No B.S. Exercises
Have you ever found yourself thinking about what should have happened, what someone should have said or done?
Focusing on an alternative world where what happened didn’t happen is exhausting. While you expend energy thinking about what should be, you create more pain. There is more suffering in the denial of reality than there is in the acceptance.
The concept of radical acceptance is a skill to tolerate distress. This important skill lets us move from blaming, tantruming and denying to problem solving what is in front of us.
Maybe you have heard yourself say or think some of the following statements:
“If it was me, I wouldn’t have made that decision.”
“They shouldn’t have said that.”
“Why is this happening?”
“I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.”
“This should be easier for me.”
If so, the practice of radical acceptance will help you move into experiencing your life more fully, including all the challenges you face.
How to practice radical acceptance:
Acknowledge the pain: Instead of pushing away difficult emotions, accept them. Radical acceptance requires you to fully engage in the range of emotions humans can access without trying to engage, suppress or deny them. If you are feeling anger, you might say, “I am feeling angry right now and that’s OK, it will pass.”
Let go of judgement: It’s easy to judge yourself for feeling and to think that certain emotions or situations are “wrong.” The practice of acceptance means letting go of that judgement. Instead of believing “I shouldn’t be sad,” you would accept that sadness is part of every human experience.
Stop resisting: As the saying goes, “shit happens.” We don’t want to accept failure, relationships ending, getting evicted, death, and other losses. And, we all know that for all of us, this is part of being human. Instead of ruminating about what should or could be, you might remind yourself, “it is what it is, there have been hundreds of decisions and experiences that have led up to this moment.”
Self-compassion: Life is challenging enough without stewing in self-condemnation and judgement. Next time you find yourself in a challenging moment or a moment you are resisting, you can decide to offer yourself compassion. Saying to yourself, “I’m having a hard time with this and that’s OK, we all have to manage challenges in our life, I am not alone. This will pass and for now, it’s OK that I’m struggling.”
Focus on the present: Your brain might default to ruminating about the past or predicting the future. Radical acceptance encourages us to focus on the here and now because we can’t change the past and we cannot predict the future. When you find your mind moving into the past or future, catch it and come back to the present – feeling your feet on the floor, your butt in your chair or the breath moving in and out of your body.
Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t necessarily solve your problems, but it does change your relationship to them. Instead of struggling against your problems, acceptance allows you to find clarity and move with the problem instead of resisting it.
Radical acceptance is, well…. Radical. It goes against the default of denying, ruminating, controlling and avoiding. It’s also a skill that can be, in practice, life changing. You can change your life if you want to, the first step might be this practice.
You don’t have to do this work alone, if you’re thinking of trying therapy, connect with us at co*****@*************an.com or read through our therapists’ bios here.
Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
Do you have a task that no matter how hard you work at it or know it needs to get done, you find yourself spiraling, avoiding the task until the very last minute? If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.
Maybe you’re used to hearing phrases like: “Everyone has to do XYZ, it’s not that difficult,” “Have you tried putting it in a planner so you’ll get it done,” or the infamous, “If you just tried a little harder.” No matter how hard we can work at improving our habits or take the advice that was given to us, we still can’t get past the obstacle which can sometimes lead to feelings of shame. But I promise you, no matter how much it feels like a personal failing, it’s not. There’s usually a reason why we are struggling with a task. Have you considered what your reason could be?
If you don’t know what your obstacle is, that’s perfectly OK. We’re humans, always learning and evolving. But, if you spend some time with yourself, exploring why a particular task is so difficult for you, you may be able to find a workaround. And if you’re ready to start having this conversation with yourself, here are a few prompts to get you started:
- Is there a sensory experience (i.e., sight, smell, hearing, taste or touch) about this task that you struggle with?
- Is a disability causing obstacles in completing the task? If so, what about the disability makes the task difficult?
- What about this particular task bothers you?
- Is the obstacle that you would rather be doing something else?
- Are you overwhelmed with the aspect of starting or transitioning into a new task?
Now, considering the above:
- What could you do to make this task easier for yourself?
- Is there something someone else could do to assist you?
If you spend a little bit of time being curious about what obstacles are standing in your way, you may be able to find ways that make a task more manageable. If it’s something specific that gets in the way of completing the task, consider what might counteract it or eliminate it entirely. For example, I hate doing dishes (I mean, does anyone really like doing dishes?) and found myself constantly dragging my feet to do them because I’d get so overwhelmed. After looking into why I hated them, I found that I really just didn’t like the noise. So now, if I’m doing dishes, it is almost guaranteed that I also have noise-cancelling headphones blasting my favourite music because it just makes the task feel easier. But maybe it’s just the sheer number of steps that have to be taken to complete a task. And if this is the case, using micro goals may help get you started. You can find a worksheet for this here.
Other times, it could be just the way our body functions, whether it be executive dysfunction, fatigue or another factor that makes the task harder. A lot of people struggle with deadlines, no matter how much time is given, it’s most likely the work was saved to the very end, and then anxiety ensues. In this case, maybe setting an earlier deadline to have preliminary notes done and checking in with someone would help move the workflow along. Alternatively, if it’s physical, maybe there’s a way you can adapt your environment to make the task easier for you (I’m a strong believer that sitting down to do something makes the task significantly easier, at least for me it does).
And these obstacles do not always have to be there, they may just be situational. But the amazing thing about being human is that we can be adaptive, we’re wired for it. So, while maybe your needs change from time to time, it’s worth it to explore what you need at that particular moment.
We’re human, all different and unique — and that includes you — so it would make sense that maybe you need to approach something from a different angle. And there is nothing wrong with that. This change won’t happen overnight though, it may take a few tries to figure out what works for you, and that’s OK. And with this all said, there may not always be a workaround, and that’s OK too.
So, while this will take time and effort — and you are absolutely worth this effort — you do have the opportunity to make something more accessible and tuned to your needs. No matter what they are and even if they look a little different than how others do it. But if we take a moment to explore why we may be struggling with these tasks with gentle, self-compassionate curiosity instead of battling the obstacle and getting frustrated with ourselves or the task, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to find adaptive ways that work for us.
You aren’t alone in this; if you are ready to explore therapy, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here and start your therapy journey.
Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW
Ever sit on the couch with your mind telling you the long list of things you *should* or *need* to do and you can’t seem to get up and actually do any of them? You sit there for minutes, hours or even days naming everything you need to do and judging that it’s not being done. You are anticipating how hard the task will be, criticizing yourself thinking that it’s easier for everyone else. You might even go through your day-to-day completing your tasks, but it takes every ounce of energy for you to get them done.
The longer you avoid a task, the harder your brain will believe it is and the less resources it will have to do the actual task.
Your mind has overwhelmed you to the point of poking at your sympathetic nervous system and BOOM you are frozen.
You have a good body, it is trying to help you survive when danger is present. You might be thinking, “But no danger is present!” If your nervous system is activated and you are frozen, it is because it has perceived a danger. Your brain is trying to logic you away from this reaction, and unfortunately, the animal just does not work that way.
You can start to thaw your freeze response by following these steps:
TALK TO YOUR BRAIN – say “Thanks brain but you aren’t being helpful right now.”
NAME WHAT’S HAPPENING – I feel frozen and that is OK, this a normal response, even if the fear is not logical.
HELP YOURSELF – The feeling of helplessness creeps in and we might start to notice apathy, some “why bothers” or “what’s the points” floating around in your mind.
START SLOW – Look at the corners of the room that you are in. Move your neck. It’s hard to stay stuck when you are in motion. Keep trying to note all the corners.
GET UP – Often we experience this functional freeze or freeze experience when our bodies are laying or sitting. Even though it might look like rest on the outside, the mind is jumping from thought to thought and feeling anything BUT peaceful. Even if it’s one foot on the ground, or bending your knees. Move your body.
CHANGE YOUR TEMPERATURE – Once you have successfully shifted that freeze response, splash cold water on your face, grab an ice cube and let it melt in your hand. If you are brave, go outside in the cold for a moment. Feel that change of temperature as it shifts you further out of freeze.
Managing the human system is not easy and we do often need more help with our practice. We are here when you need that extra bit of support. Reach out to co*****@*************an.com for other resources or to find a therapist that might be the right fit for you.
Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
Everyday we are faced with stressful, anxious provoking situations and it’s easy to get in your head. ‘Grounding techniques’ offer a solution to the problem of the human mind that experiences 70,000-100,000 thoughts per day (ever wonder why you are tired, fatigued and overwhelmed by 5pm? – thats why!).
This technique can help you get through challenging (think stressful and anxiety producing) situations. When we are confronted with experiences that our brains perceive as difficult, impossible or even dangerous (yes, that email notification can feel dangerous), sometimes our bodies produce survival hormones that intend to be helpful but in reality make us physically and emotionally uncomfortable (read mental freak outs, anxiety spirals, outthinking and self sabotaging behaviors).
Using this technique will walk you through your five senses to help manage tough situations when they arise.
5 – LOOK: Look around for 5 things that you can see, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I see the computer, I see the cup, I see the picture frame.
4 – FEEL: Pay attention to your body and think of 4 things that you can feel, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I feel my feet warm in my socks, I feel the hair moving in the breeze.
3 – LISTEN: Listen for 3 sounds. It could be the sound of traffic outside, the sound of typing or the sound of your tummy rumbling.
2 – SMELL: Say two things you can smell. If you’re able to, it’s okay to move to another spot and sniff something. If you can’t smell anything at the moment or you can’t move, then name your 2 favorite smells.
1 – TASTE: Say one thing you can taste. It may be the toothpaste from brushing your teeth, or a mint from after lunch. If you can’t taste anything, then say your favorite thing to taste.
Need more help managing anxiety, overwhelm, stress or other human experiences? We are here, one email or click away.
Humans are not so different from computers. As humans, we are only able handle so much before we start to lag, short circuit, overheat and explode. Our bandwidth (pun intended) to manage information, experiences and stimulus depends on a number of factors including hormones, our sleep, weather, over-all health and nourishment, feelings of connection and many others.
One of the challenging things about being human is that we actually haven’t evolved that much AND we believe we are much more evolved than we are. Our nervous system is still wired to constantly be on the lookout for anything that might impact our ability to survive. Yes, I am referring to the email notification, text message or upcoming doctor’s appointment that has us in a mental frenzy.
What your mind perceives as dangerous is out of your control. What is within your control is how you respond when your brain jumps into survival mode. Being aware when your survival brain has taken over is a learned skill. Once you become aware of that, you can train your brain and body to cool down and respond instead of react.
One of the ways we can “restart” our system is by breathing. Slowing down and tuning in to our breathing signals to our parasympathetic system that we are safe, there is no danger and it can calm the f*** down. Use this breathing sphere to slow the pace of your breath and reset your system.
This is a fairly simple, yet challenging practice where we use our breath to get us out of our thoughts (because we all know they can be uber distressing sometimes) and back to the here and now.
Problem solving, planning, thinking are all necessary parts of being human AND when not used as an intentional skill (think pen and paper, collaboration or meeting with yourself) they can cause our anxiety and stress hormones to respond and rise to help us meet the challenge in front of us (and feel a bit wonky and off kilter).
I encourage you to focus on one component of breath. Pick your own or choose one of the following:
- The air moving in and out of your nose or mouth
- Your chest rising and falling
- Your Belly moving up and down
- Your lungs expanding and contracting
As you focus on that one component of breath, use your hand to trace your inhales and exhales. You don’t have to change or alter your breath at all, just notice each inhale and exhale, just breathing as you breathe. If you notice you have gotten caught up in thoughts or your mind has wandered off, that’s OK, you are human and we don’t judge being human. Just come back to the practice of tracing your breath with your hand.
Breathing isn’t cutting it? Don’t worry, we all need more support from time to time. At ReLearning Human, we provide online therapy to support you through the challenging and painful experiences of life while cultivating a deeper understanding of what it means to be human — and what it looks like to be human for YOU.
Book a meet and greet here to get started.
