Are you a people pleaser? See if you identify with one or more of the following.

1. You don’t know how to say No. You never say No. It’s not even in your vocabulary.
2. You apologize for everything. Even for breathing too deeply.
3. You get along with EVERYONE. 
4. You don’t really experience fun and enjoyment.

If you can identify with one or more of these, don’t worry you are not alone. People pleasing is a common practice. Why are we people pleasing? The short answer, to meet our basic human need to feel a sense of belonging. As this is our primal instinct it also makes it difficult to stop the unhealthy ways in which we seek out and find (or not) this sense of belonging. Here are other reasons as to why we people please and maybe you can relate to these also.

Were you conditioned to say yes to your career or adults as a child? As a South Asian woman, it was frowned upon if I didn’t say yes to something that was being offered or asked of me from an adult or a career. Saying “no” would be considered rude and extremely disrespectful. It truly is difficult to unlearn these conditionings especially if the understanding through these messages is that if you say yes, you are a “good” girl, respectable and do as you are told. Evidently, this is one factor that determines your sense of self and more dangerously your sense of worth. So how could you ever say “no” when it only felt safe to say “yes”?

When did you or someone appoint you the group peace maker? I’m sure you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs. Conflict or the anticipation of conflict can trigger one of our fear/trauma responses called fawning. This is our way of appeasing or smoothing things over quickly in order to feel safe again. Sound familiar? 

Constantly seeking approval from others can feel like a full-time job. Without this approval, what will determine your self-worth? There is a constant need to receive external validation in order to fulfill a sense of worth and continue to fuel self-confidence. This pattern develops into a vicious cycle, hence most of us find it extremely difficult to break free from this role. 

Most of us lack the skill of boundary setting. The likelihood is that we learned that it is wrong to do so, hence for our brain and body, a very unsafe skill to practice, so we don’t. When we don’t place boundaries though, often we hold resentment, neglect our own needs and desires, and very often overcommit and then feel exhausted. 

The price you pay for being a people pleaser

I don’t think you need me or anyone to tell you how trying to please people for most of your life is impacting and affecting you, do you?  But I will anyway 🙂 You probably feel frustrated, maybe holding onto resentment, wondering why people aren’t as considerate as you, burnt out, scattered, highly stressed and anxious and not really having a true sense of identity (as this is dependent on the who/where/how/where’s). If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself and accept who you are, just the way you are, then no one else will either. You are not living an authentic life. This is the biggest price you are paying as a people pleaser. 

Ready to resign as a people pleaser?

So how do you stop pleasing everyone you encounter? Read that again. How can you, as a single human being, please everyone that you come into contact with? Here’s the honest truth. YOU CAN NOT. Are you able to acknowledge how absurd this expectation that you have learned to set for yourself is? (Yes, it may not have started with you, but you sure are enabling the voice inside your head and giving it too much air time). 

Making the decision to stop pleasing people in your life will require you to take a risk. A risk in which you will disappoint people because you have decided to place boundaries for the first time and to take care of yourself in some way. Learn how you people please. What does this pattern look like for you? Jot it down. Taking this step will require you to challenge your narrative. The one that has been blabbing on, if you set limits and say “No” people will no longer like you and don’t want to be around you. Don’t get me wrong, you may lose people, but that would be saying more about them and their ability to accept and support you as opposed to you not being a good person. 

Trust me, it’s scary and there really is nothing that will make it less scary. The only solace I can offer you (based on my personal lived experiences and as a therapist hearing the brave lived experiences from my clients), it gets easier to say no and disappoint people. With some patience, time, compassion for yourself and lots and lots of practice.

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.