The Self

If you are a caregiver, you may experience this role as incredibly rewarding at times and it can feel incredibly overwhelming. Caring for a loved one who is dependent on you in some way or form requires an incredible amount of energy, patience and compassion. It’s easy to put your own needs as secondary or nonexistent. “Do I have needs?” Does this resonate with you? You do have needs and they are important and taking care of yourself is not a luxury- it is essential for your well-being and will serve as fuel to keep you caring for your loved ones. Here are some ways you can take care of yourself:

Learning to set boundaries as a caregiver is going to help you in the biggest way possible. You may feel responsible. For everything. But it’s important to know your limits and once you are honest with yourself and accepting of these limits (yes, you are not superhuman), setting boundaries is crucial. It’s OK to say NO and ask for help so that you can prioritize your own needs.

Although it may not always be easy to take breaks as you get caught up in the constant demands of a caregiver, taking regular breaks is essential. If you are able to get some fresh air by stepping outside the front door or opening a window, deep breathing can recharge your mental and physical energy. Even if it’s 3 mins, a break will give you a chance to reset and it’s good practice to pause and breathe.

You do not have to do this alone. Find your community & support networks. There are many support caregiver groups and receiving support from family or friends will go a long way. Connecting with people who understand what you are experiencing helps in feeling less isolated and alone as a caregiver. It’s helpful to hear of other experiences, concerns, learning new coping strategies and the emotional support felt in these groups can feel like a breath of fresh air.

Exercise and Nourish your body. Exercise regularly if you can and this means body movement, not spending an hour in a gym (unless you can and want to of course) but movement of body helps to reduce stress and boost your overall mood. It can also help you feel more energised which you need to manage your caregiving duties. What you put into your body will also matter. The food you eat serves as fuel and eating well-balanced meals will improve your overall mental health, energy levels and mood. You can seek support in meal prep, asking family or friends or food service resources (meal deliveries), if this is an option for you.

Seeking Respite care is not always easy to do as you may worry if your loved one is being cared for properly. Through a professional caregiver or a trusted family member or friend, it is important that you weigh your options so that you do not burn out as a caregiver. Even for a short while, a few hours or days, this will help you feel recharged.

Don’t forget yourself and what you love to do. Losing sight of what your interests are and what excites you happens when you are caring for someone else. Taking the time to experience joy in what you love to do is essential. It will remind you of all the other facets of you outside your role as caregiver that are equally important. This can help you feel grounded in your entire identity, not just the one.

Self-compassion: offer yourself the same compassion you offer your loved one. Guilt, frustration, overwhelm and even despair are some emotions that are often felt. You are doing the best you can. Caregiving is hard and perfection is not the goal. It’s so important that you offer yourself compassion and acknowledge your efforts. So less self-judgment and more self-compassion.

Speak to a therapist if you feel that your caregiver responsibilities are impacting your mental health. Having a safe space to talk about your experience and all your emotions without judgment is invaluable. Learn coping strategies and receive emotional support. Remember if you are not well, your loved one will not be well.

Being a caregiver is hard and thank you for what you do everyday. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but a necessity because of the role you play in someone else’s life. Taking care of yourself will ensure that you are in better form to take care of your loved one without entirely sacrificing your health and well-being. You can actually be a strong and present caregiver if you prioritise self-care. Remember to seek support so you also feel cared for, and this starts with you taking care of you first.

If you are ready to reach out for support from one of our therapists, please visit our website www.relearninghuman.com

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Do you have a task that no matter how hard you work at it or know it needs to get done, you find yourself spiraling, avoiding the task until the very last minute? If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

Maybe you’re used to hearing phrases like: “Everyone has to do XYZ, it’s not that difficult,” “Have you tried putting it in a planner so you’ll get it done,” or the infamous, “If you just tried a little harder.” No matter how hard we can work at improving our habits or take the advice that was given to us, we still can’t get past the obstacle which can sometimes lead to feelings of shame. But I promise you, no matter how much it feels like a personal failing, it’s not. There’s usually a reason why we are struggling with a task. Have you considered what your reason could be?

If you don’t know what your obstacle is, that’s perfectly OK. We’re humans, always learning and evolving. But, if you spend some time with yourself, exploring why a particular task is so difficult for you, you may be able to find a workaround. And if you’re ready to start having this conversation with yourself, here are a few prompts to get you started:

• Is there a sensory experience (i.e., sight, smell, hearing, taste or touch) about this task that you struggle with?
• Is a disability causing obstacles in completing the task? If so, what about the disability makes the task difficult?
• What about this particular task bothers you?
• Is the obstacle that you would rather be doing something else?
• Are you overwhelmed with the aspect of starting or transitioning into a new task?

Now, considering the above:

• What could you do to make this task easier for yourself?
• Is there something someone else could do to assist you?

If you spend a little bit of time being curious about what obstacles are standing in your way, you may be able to find ways that make a task more manageable. If it’s something specific that gets in the way of completing the task, consider what might counteract it or eliminate it entirely. For example, I hate doing dishes (I mean, does anyone really like doing dishes?) and found myself constantly dragging my feet to do them because I’d get so overwhelmed. After looking into why I hated them, I found that I really just didn’t like the noise. So now, if I’m doing dishes, it is almost guaranteed that I also have noise-cancelling headphones blasting my favourite music because it just makes the task feel easier. But maybe it’s just the sheer number of steps that have to be taken to complete a task. And if this is the case, using micro goals may help get you started. You can find a worksheet for this here.

Other times, it could be just the way our body functions, whether it be executive dysfunction, fatigue or another factor that makes the task harder. A lot of people struggle with deadlines, no matter how much time is given, it’s most likely the work was saved to the very end, and then anxiety ensues. In this case, maybe setting an earlier deadline to have preliminary notes done and checking in with someone would help move the workflow along. Alternatively, if it’s physical, maybe there’s a way you can adapt your environment to make the task easier for you (I’m a strong believer that sitting down to do something makes the task significantly easier, at least for me it does).

And these obstacles do not always have to be there, they may just be situational. But the amazing thing about being human is that we can be adaptive, we’re wired for it. So, while maybe your needs change from time to time, it’s worth it to explore what you need at that particular moment.

We’re human, all different and unique — and that includes you — so it would make sense that maybe you need to approach something from a different angle. And there is nothing wrong with that. This change won’t happen overnight though, it may take a few tries to figure out what works for you, and that’s OK. And with this all said, there may not always be a workaround, and that’s OK too.

So, while this will take time and effort — and you are absolutely worth this effort — you do have the opportunity to make something more accessible and tuned to your needs. No matter what they are and even if they look a little different than how others do it. But if we take a moment to explore why we may be struggling with these tasks with gentle, self-compassionate curiosity instead of battling the obstacle and getting frustrated with ourselves or the task, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to find adaptive ways that work for us.

You aren’t alone in this; if you are ready to explore therapy, contact us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here and start your therapy journey.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Ever sit on the couch with your mind telling you the long list of things you *should* or *need* to do and you can’t seem to get up and actually do any of them? You sit there for minutes, hours or even days naming everything you need to do and judging that it’s not being done. You are anticipating how hard the task will be, criticizing yourself thinking that it’s easier for everyone else. You might even go through your day-to-day completing your tasks, but it takes every ounce of energy for you to get them done. 

The longer you avoid a task, the harder your brain will believe it is and the less resources it will have to do the actual task.

Your mind has overwhelmed you to the point of poking at your sympathetic nervous system and BOOM you are frozen. 

You have a good body, it is trying to help you survive when danger is present. You might be thinking, “But no danger is present!” If your nervous system is activated and you are frozen, it is because it has perceived a danger. Your brain is trying to logic you away from this reaction, and unfortunately, the animal  just does not work that way. 

You can start to thaw your freeze response by following these steps:

TALK TO YOUR BRAIN – say “Thanks brain but you aren’t being helpful right now.”

NAME WHAT’S HAPPENING – I feel frozen and that is OK, this a normal response, even if the fear is not logical.

HELP YOURSELF – The feeling of helplessness creeps in and we might start to notice apathy, some “why bothers” or “what’s the points” floating around in your mind.

START SLOW – Look at the corners of the room that you are in. Move your neck. It’s hard to stay stuck when you are in motion. Keep trying to note all the corners. 

GET UP – Often we experience this functional freeze or freeze experience when our bodies are laying or sitting. Even though it might look like rest on the outside, the mind is jumping from thought to thought and feeling anything BUT peaceful. Even if it’s one foot on the ground, or bending your knees. Move your body. 

CHANGE YOUR TEMPERATURE – Once you have successfully shifted that freeze response, splash cold water on your face, grab an ice cube and let it melt in your hand. If you are brave, go outside in the cold for a moment. Feel that change of temperature as it shifts you further out of freeze.

Managing the human system is not easy and we do often need more help with our practice. We are here when you need that extra bit of support. Reach out to co*****@re*************.com for other resources or to find a therapist that might be the right fit for you. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

I never really understood my anger until my sister transitioned in 2022. I don’t think I ever needed to confront it until then. Maybe I never wanted to. I talked about being angry openly during this time. I joined boxing for two weeks because I needed to punch something. I was screaming on the inside and needing to release it on the outside. The only thing that I was able to connect to was punching a punching bag. That and screaming in front of a lake or deep in the forest and, when that wasn’t accessible, into my pillow or when driving in the car on the highway. What I learned from this horrific experience is that anger was serving a purpose. There was a benefit in feeling and expressing my anger. I couldn’t mask the anger because it was the only way an emotion, if any, would travel through my body and surface outside of my skin. It was safer for all my other emotions to stay buried deep inside.

We all experience this real-life human experience in some way or form at some point in our lives. Have you? Where your skin is no longer able to contain your emotions? Perfect moment for that expression, “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

There are many reasons we don’t fully want to access our anger. Or don’t know how to. It’s stuck. Especially as women, we are taught that we should not feel angry. Sometimes this message is not as explicit and sometimes the message couldn’t be clearer. What we do hear regardless is that it is not acceptable to be an angry woman. For many women, expressing anger publicly or aggressively can lead to judgment and have grave consequences. Women are often perceived as “too emotional” or “irrational” when they are angry, often reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Then we internalize this judgement, often suppressing, minimizing anger or avoiding confronting the issues, which can create long-term emotional & physical consequences.

Some of the questions/statements I hear from my clients, my close circles and words that have also come out of my mouth are:

“I don’t want to be angry or feel angry”

“I don’t know why I’m so angry” 

“I don’t know what to do with my anger, my rage” (this could be symptoms of perimenopause, but I’ll leave that for another blog! Let’s not minimize rage right now!)

“I have no reason to be angry – I have such a good life”

If some of these statements resonate with you, take a minute, breathe and reflect. Your anger needs acknowledgment. And I will tell you this.

IT’S OK THAT YOU FEEL ANGRY. 

GIVE YOUR ANGER THE SPACE IT NEEDS.

THE SPACE IT DESERVES.

What did this feel like? If this is your first time truly acknowledging your anger, good for you, you’ve taken the first step in honouring this emotion.

It makes sense that we struggle to feel anger, but just like all the other icky emotions like jealousy or guilt, if we store it for too long, it starts to take a toll on our nervous system, on our organs, our minds and our overall state of being. Here are some of the impacts on our bodies of suppressed anger just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability or passive-aggressive behaviour

Risk of cardiovascular diseases

Headaches

Digestive issues

Weakened immunity or autoimmune diseases

Issues with female sexual/reproductive organs 

If you haven’t been acknowledging your anger until now, it may be helpful to learn how to channel your anger in healthier ways (or at least ways that won’t fuel further anger or guilt):

First and Foremost, NAME IT (acknowledging your emotion can help you feel more at ease even with anger).

Use “I” statements. It might sound simple, but it’s not. Anger can be expressed in constructive ways without aggression. “I feel angry.” Say it again. “I feel angry.” “I feel angry when…” This can help us communicate from a place of assertiveness rather than aggression and can foster more productive conversations.

We all need support. SEEKING SUPPORT can help process your emotions. Sometimes knowing that someone understands can alleviate the heaviness of anger. Also a reminder, we are not meant to do any of this alone.

SETTING BOUNDARIES. Anger and resentment can often stem from feeling taken advantage of. Understanding and respecting your own needs and setting boundaries in all of your relationships, (i.e., romantic, peers, etc.) will help you meet them. This will be hard to do, but it is your responsibility to do so. The truth is no one else is going to set these boundaries for you.

The PRACTICE OF PRESENCE & RELAXATION. Practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help you release and process your anger in some way. When we bring awareness to our bodies, we can calm our nervous system, feeling more in charge of our body.

And when peacefulness, relaxation and deep breathing go to shit LET YOUR ANGER BE UGLY.

Your anger doesn’t feel pretty and calm does it? So let it look ugly if it needs to. It’s OK. Scream into the pillow if you need to. Chop wood. Run up a hill and scream at the top. Jump into the water. Take up boxing so you can punch something. Dance. Go to a smash room. Give yourself permission to get ugly with your anger (just don’t hurt yourself or someone else).

There is power in our pain with anger. For many women, expressing anger can feel like straying away from the expected societal mold of being patient, composed, tender and nurturing. Feeling anger and expressing anger doesn’t take any of this away. Both can be true. Anger is a powerful force. It is also freeing when released and not contained. It is also good for your body, mind and soul. So are you ready to explore your anger?

If you need some support in exploring your anger, reach out @relearninghuman.com to our therapists who also experience anger just like you.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Stress: acceptance and understanding

Feeling stressed? Me too! As humans, we all feel stress. ¼ of Canadians report feeling “quite a bit” to “extremely” stressed and that’s the problem. The problem is that we don’t know how to manage our stress hormones when they start firing off. 

While you can’t change the external situations that cause stress, you can learn how to manage and work with it. Understanding what stress is and how we experience it, is an important first step in accepting and working with stress. Stress is our body’s vital warning system that activates our hard-wired fight-or-flight response. When the brain perceives some kind of external stress, it floods the body with hormones like epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol and can cause a wide variety of physiological symptoms. 

While the symptoms associated with stress can feel uncomfortable, it is our friendly evolutionary trait that is trying desperately to help us navigate life’s hurdles. Since we have limited control over what our brain perceives as stressful, we have to work with it instead of avoiding it, surprising it or trying to control it. 

Declare a truce with your body and the stress that is a part of our innate wiring. Take this theory of acceptance and put it into play. By following these steps, you will support yourself responding differently to the external stressors that will inevitably happen in your life.

Grab a pen and paper, you’re going to want to take notes:

STEP 1 – Get to know your stress:

In order to make stress work for you, you have to learn what stress feels like in your body so you can become aware of it and manage it in a different way. Think back to a time where your work deadlines were looming, you were feeling sick, your colleague was on vacation and you were left to manage both workloads alone. How did you feel physically and mentally?  What does your body feel like as you think back to this stressful situation? How did your body tell you that you’re stressed? Common physiological cues are:

Perspiration

Pounding heart 

Trembling hands

Racing thoughts

Tension in shoulders and neck

Nausea, upset stomach and diarrhea

Shortness of breath

For whatever reason, your brain acknowledged the events you just thought of and released stress hormones to help you meet this perceived challenge. We can’t control what our brain sees as a challenge, we can just accept and manage it. By tuning into your body, noting the symptoms of stress, you can make stress help you rise to the occasion instead of having it rule your life. 

STEP 2 –  Calm your body:

The problem with stress is that it inadvertently causes our mind to race through other pretty uncomfortable symptoms. Calm your body and brain down by using diaphragmatic breathing. Sometimes known as “belly breathing,” diaphragmatic breathing lowers effects of cortisol (the stress hormone) on your body, lowers your heart rate and blood pressure. 

This practice will help you calm your body down when you notice symptoms of stress: 

1. Sit comfortably, with your knees bent and your shoulders, head and neck in a relaxed position. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach.  
2. Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out against your hand. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
3. Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage, on your stomach. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
4. Tighten your stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.
5. When you notice symptoms of stress in your body, use diaphragmatic breathing to help your nervous system deactivate and support your body in calming down. 

Practice diaphragmatic breathing for one minute a few times per week (this can help you get to sleep too!). I recommend setting an alarm to remind yourself to get your practice in and because your breath is always with you, you can practice anywhere! 

Want more mindfulness exercises? ReLearning Human has your back! Check out more here.

STEP 3 – Take a look at your stress thoughts, perspectives and predictions: 

Through my work as a social worker and psychotherapist (and as a human who has stress just like you), I have noticed patterns of thoughts that I label ‘stress thoughts.’ These thoughts align with hopelessness, helplessness and are generally catastrophic. 

Think of thoughts as the blueprint created through both conscious and unconscious interpretations of our lifetime of experiences. Here are a few examples of what stress thoughts sound like:  

“I can’t do this” 

“I can’t cope”

“This is unfair”

“This is impossible”

“I don’t have time” 

“I’m not going to make it”

If you’re having these thoughts, don’t despair! We all have them and they aren’t always helpful, are they?

Cognitive restructuring is a technique found in cognitive behavioral therapy and is a useful tool in reframing and shifting thought processes. Learning this key skill will help you to be aware of and challenge untrue, unrealistic or distorted thoughts known as cognitive distortions (or unhelpful thinking habits such as all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, predicting the future and many others). 

Pause when you notice stress in your body, remind yourself that stress is a completely normal human experience (and how you know for sure that you are not a robot!). Calm down your body using diagrammatic breathing and take a look at what’s going through your mind.  Once you pinpoint the external event or situation that has caused your body to activate its stress hormones, don’t react automatically. 

Keep breathing and ask yourself the following questions about your stress: 

• What am I reacting to?  
• What is it that I think is going to happen here? 
• In all the times I have thought X, did it ever come to fruition?
• What’s the worst (and best) that could happen? What’s most likely to happen? 
• How is thinking this way helping me?
• How important is this really? How important will it be in 6 month’s time? In 1 year?
• Am I overestimating the threat? 
• Am I underestimating my ability to cope? 
• Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking? 
• Is there another way of looking at this?
• What advice would I give someone else in this situation? 
• How can I slow this down a bit? 
• How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control? 
• What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to
  control? 
• What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do? 
• Is there another way of dealing with this? 
• What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
  

Cognitive restructuring can be a powerful technique for understanding and working with your stress thoughts. Remember, you cannot control every situation or person, but you can shift your perspective. This is your superpower. If you can reframe your perception of stress, then you can change your overall neuro-wiring and truly change your life.  

Like most things, PRACTICE is instrumental in re-training your brain to manage stress differently. Practice each step individually during times of lower stress so you can access these new tools in moments of higher stress.

Takeaways and key learnings:

• Accept that stress is part of life and that we all experience various levels of stress most days. 
• Get to know yourself! Learn about how stress resonates in your body by tuning into your physiological cues. 
• Learn how to manage any uncomfortable symptoms that stress creates. 
• Don’t buy into your thoughts – just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

While we all experience stress, we do have the power in learning to manage it. If you want to connect with us, contact us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amiralt, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human