Relationships
Ever wonder why you decided to get married or why you want to get married? I wonder how many of us ask ourselves these questions? What I’ve come to learn as a couples’ therapist is, it is often our fundamental belief system (our values and conditioning) that are different, and this is OK. What doesn’t work however, is when two people choose to come together and build a life with the hope or expectation that these two differing belief systems should automatically join forces, without any clash and be the start of a harmonious and easy marriage. This is never the case. This hope or expectation and conviction to one’s own belief system is often the catalyst for conflict in relationships. The statement that is often expressed by couples is that “We just don’t get along.” “We don’t understand each other.” “We are just so different.” Yes, of course you are. You are two separate entities that are coming together with a misconception and belief system that differences will work themselves out miraculously. A further unrealistic belief, that the other partner will or should adjust, conform with full acceptance in the name of love. This can happen and does happen, often at the cost of the conforming partner feeling a tremendous loss of their identity. Sound familiar? If yes, you are not alone.
Asking these following questions can mitigate or at least soften some of the conflict and challenges when you do decide to tie the knot. If anything, exploring and being curious about marriage and what it means will help you better understand your own belief system along with your partners. Hopefully this can help eliminate the not so pleasant surprises down your path of marriage.
1) What kind of wedding do you want? (yes, this is important, and it is one day) More important question to ask: what are your intentions as a couple?
It’s wonderful to have a beautiful, picturesque wedding, having your loved ones there to celebrate your union. Having your values and your intentions as a couple being reflected on your wedding day is equally important.
2) Why is it important for you to get married?
Is time ticking? Are you feeling societal pressures? Want companionship? Having clarity over your intentions helps you make sound and responsive decisions rather than reactive ones. Asking this question can help you understand your partner and whether your intentions for marriage are aligned.
3) What are your expectations for marriage?
What is your idea of marriage? How do you see your marriage unfold? This may look very different from the expectations of your partner and that of families. Asking this question can help distinguish your true wants and desires separate from others. It also provides an opportunity for you and your partner to acknowledge these external pressures and navigate them together.
4) How will you face life’s stressors in your marriage?
Marriage is something new and always changing. When there is any kind of change, there is loss. By acknowledging and normalizing this loss within and between, a beautiful change can help soften the grief experienced. It can bring empathy and understanding into your conversations as to the ways in which you have dealt with challenges in your life as an individual and now, how to face some life challenges as a couple.
5) How will you protect your own individuality in your togetherness?
This is part of the grief that is often experienced. When we get married, it feels sometimes impossible to protect and hold on to our own individual selves. It can often feel like an internal battle and more often show up in conflict with our partners. There is often a sense of push and pull in marriage. Having the discussion about a sense of self, individual hobbies and interests and your own personal growth is not only helpful, but necessary to maintain a long-lasting relationship.
6) What’s your vision and commitment to your future together?
Asking these two questions will help you understand if your idea of marriage and commitment to the marriage are aligned. Marriage is work. It’s the commitment to the work, process and your journey together that counts.
Take the time to ask yourself why you want to get married or why you did get married? These questions and the experiences in answering them can have a tremendous impact on your marriage and its longevity. Awareness of ourselves, our wants, desires and needs start with self-reflection. Followed by communicating these thoughts and feelings to our partners in hopes to create a stronger bond. The “why’s” aren’t always important to figure out, but when it comes to marriage it helps to understand the motivations behind “the act of love.” Loving each other is beautiful. However, understanding and accepting each other is the key ingredient to a forever ever.
Read more about relationships here.
Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
There is a hype of the “how to’s, when to’s, who to’s, how many to’s” in the wild world of dating and romantic relationships. Whether you are looking for the “right” person (I’m sorry if you still think this is a thing), or you have been with who you thought was the right person and are still questioning it after 15 years of togetherness, then continue reading. You are exactly where you need to be.
You are one of the many humans out there who are trying to figure out this “love thing” or maybe not even love as the way we have been conditioned to think about it, but maybe the “companionship” thing. Can it be that they are the same thing? Maybe one just sounds sexier than the other.
As human beings we are all seeking a sense of belonging and companionship. Makes sense right? To want company, to want to belong. To want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We are wired to seek this out, however we may be complicating our need for belonging more than we need to. We tend to do this as humans, don’t we? I’m not simplifying the complexities of a romantic relationship by any means. I can’t even, even if I tried. Romantic relationships are a beast, a chaotic and beautiful ecosystem in their own right.
Truth is, as adults we do not allow ourselves (because most of us have learnt that it is unsafe) to be vulnerable with our feelings. Whether it be on our first dates, or with our partner of 20 years who has commandeered the right side of the couch.
Some reasons that often prevent us from sharing and being our authentic selves and expressing our feelings is nestled in how we have learned to perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. These views are created by our earlier relational bonds. How we were loved, cared for, learnt about safety or feeling unsafe as a child, etc. From these learnings, most of us hold on tight to our shame, insecurities, pain, trauma that on the surface may look like resentment, anger, frustration of wanting something else perhaps or wanting to be someone we are not. Or the classic one, wanting our partners to be someone they are clearly not.
These views of ourselves can get in the way of being ourselves, our true selves and as a result, blocking the possibility of feeling connected in any relationship. So maybe we need to get back to the basics. Here are some very basic, very hard, very important, and maybe helpful questions that can get you started on figuring out what you want in a relationship (the one with yourself too) and/or what’s blocking you from being in one or jumping out of one.
What does your blueprint of a relationship look like?
Who’s your role model for a healthy relationship? Do you have one?
What are you looking for in a partner? Why?
What are you willing to contribute in a relationship and offer to your partner? (Yes this is required of you.)
What do you feel in your body when you are close to your partner?
Are your core values aligned? Do you know what yours are? Do you know theirs?
(Yes you can ask this on your first date. What do you have to lose?)
Are you willing to put your ego aside? (There is no room for ego in a relationship if you want it to work.)
If not, what’s stopping you?
Are you expressing your needs and wants? (No, your partner cannot read your mind, I don’t care how long you have been together!)
Relationships are so complex, and the one with ourselves is probably the most complex. Have you been able to answer these basic questions honestly? I commend you for even trying to answer them and if you had some difficulty in answering honestly, it’s OK. No one is judging you but yourself. If you are wondering why it was difficult for you, curious to learn more about yourself, the way you show up in relationships or why you’re not in one, you can reach out with our therapists at ReLearning Human (https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team) who can help facilitate a deeper dialogue with you. To hold a safe space for you so you can start to answer some of these questions, honestly. It’s hard, but not impossible. Maybe basic but not so simple and if you are still reading, it’s possibly because you’re wanting some kind of change in your life? Maybe you’re ready to take a chance, take care of your mental health to help you get back to some real connections.
Oh and a little nugget of hope there may be the “right enough” person out there 😉
Authored by: Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Individual & Couples Therapist and Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
