Have you ever had those moments when you’re alone or with a group of people, and just think, “Who am I?” We spend so much time searching for who we are — and it makes sense. Our identities are so closely tied to us, it can feel like such an astronomical question to ponder. Some people may have such a strong sense of who they are that it’s second nature to them. But for many, when the question “Who am I” arises, it leads to more questions. When we don’t really know what our identity is, we may move through different versions of ourselves or shift based on the people we are around to fit in. But when we get caught up in all of these identities, a fog can form around us, which makes working on understanding who we are so critical to improving our overall happiness and well-being. 

There are so many different things that go into who we are and that have a hand in shaping our identities, including:

• The people we spend time with — do you ever spend an extended period of time with someone and notice you pick up on their habits or common phrases? Think of your family, friends, loved ones, and others you interact with. These individuals, whether it’s noticeable or not, can be a large part in shaping who we are.
• Society – society plays such a large role in our identity as our interactions are shaped around social pressures, how we may feel we need to be seen, social norms, and more.
• Labels – identity or other labels may shape how we see ourselves, as well as the labels others give us.
• Experiences – and I mean all kinds of experiences can shape us, whether they are positive, negative, or anything in between.

But while these factors can shape our identities, they don’t necessarily have to be held close to our identity, they can simply just be a thing. For instance, our traumas don’t define us, they might have just simply dysregulated our nervous systems. Also, for some people, they may have reminded them of their strengths and that may feel like a significant part of their identity.

While I would love to say that once we understand who we are, we will unlock all of the answers to our identity, the reality is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We are human, always evolving and changing based on our lived experiences. There are things we will learn that remain static, but other things that will change based on the seasons of our lives. So, I would argue that this is a lifelong goal. We may know who we are at the moment, but that might change a little, even if many core aspects of our identity remain the same. And because of this, it is important to keep checking in, making this a process.

But if you’re feeling stuck in the fog and questioning who you are, there are ways to relearn and reconnect with yourself.

• Try journaling. It is an unfiltered way to check in with yourself and see where you are right now and track how things are going. If you’re not sure how to do this, you can start documenting things you enjoy now, or alternatively, try this worksheet here.
• Explore your interests and hobbies. These are important pieces of you and you can share them with the world if you feel a push to.
• Explore your strengths or talents, your passions, and your values.
• Is there something that you want to be remembered for? It doesn’t have to be anything extreme; it could just be kindness or humour. This question can reveal a large part of who you are and want to be, as well as the impression you want to leave on others.
• Consider who you are when nobody’s around. Sometimes we may feel most like ourselves if we don’t feel we have to perform an identity for others.
• And most importantly, spend some time with yourself. Try going beyond just watching a show or scrolling through social media. This is an important practice to carve time out for yourself. It’s helpful to check in with ourselves without the distraction every once in a while.

Remember, this is a lifelong practice, and it can be challenging to learn who we are right now, what our interests are, and in turn, share these with others. But it can be rewarding when we find spaces and people that celebrate who we are, as well as when we do this for ourselves. So try reconnecting with yourself, it may open up new possibilities.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW