There’s nothing easy about a breakup. I have been navigating a separation with my ex-partner for the past four years. We still live under the same roof. Our home we were building dreams in. The way we would renovate it, children/no children? hosting family & friends, celebrating life milestones, growing old. You know all the stuff you dream about when you are building a life with someone. We are friends most of the time and we do our best to try to approach each other with love, care and understanding. We are not successful with this all the time. There is no right or wrong way of doing a breakup and the truth is there is no easy way. It hurts like hell, even when you know in your core that you have come to the end of your romantic relationship. Even when you know it is the right thing for you.

If any of this resonates with you, continue reading. I’ll share some things I’m learning along the way. Perhaps it will allow you to offer yourself some compassion and grace (consistent and necessary practice of mine) through the uncertainties, fears, and newness of your life if you have, are or will soon be experiencing a breakup of a romantic partnership. More importantly, so you know that you are not alone.

I think the hardest part is understanding and accepting that there has been a change in connection with your partner. The experience of acceptance is transient. Never the same. There are ebbs and flows, five steps forward, ten steps back. There is the confusion, the doubt, the reoccurring question, “Am I making the right decision?” It’s OK that this happens. Your brain is trying to understand this new reality, it feels unsafe and questionable because it is new. It is also a loss. And grief changes our brain and takes time to heal and relearn how to be. How to exist. It’s not only our heart that feels temporarily broken, our brain does too.

There is a difference between love and compatibility: Love is often what brings two people together and keeps the relationship intact for the most part. With life circumstances, grief and loss of loved ones, values or goals may evolve over time, it can often make it difficult for both people to grow together. This is why some relationships don’t last.

Emotional growth: This plays a big role in trying to see things from your (ex) partner’s perspective and it requires you to work on yourself emotionally; in doing so, it allows for compassion not only for yourself, but also  in approaching your ex (partner) with compassion rather than bitterness, anger or resentment (it’s OK that you feel all these emotions BTW).

Letting go… with grace? Easier said than done but not impossible. What often helps is reframing the narrative: the shame and fear of judgment is raw, and you often feel like a failure when you couldn’t make the relationship work. Reframing this life transition as a natural progression and an opportunity for growth helps. An opportunity to grow for the both of you.

Healing through forgiveness: This remains a work in progress and I imagine it will be ongoing throughout my life if I’m being honest. Forgiveness allows for healing and to navigate from a space of love even when things go wrong. There are no particular steps in how forgiveness works, and again it takes time, it does require intentionality though. Do you want to forgive? This question is a good place to start. A way to gain clarity and decide how you want to move forward. Or at least try to anyway.

Relearning and rebuilding a friendship after “that” kind of love: Not everyone does this, wants to or can maintain a friendship after a romantic partnership and it’s OK. Or at least not right away. Sometimes considering it as an option, even if in the future, can offer up some sense of relief (and if children are involved, there will be some form of contact I imagine). The point is, we don’t hear of good breakups, do we? So, not limiting what could be and how love can take on a new form, a healthier, more amicable relationship could be helpful.

What have you learned from this experience? Each relationship teaches us something valuable. We can choose to believe this or not. When the relationship ends you can still hold the love that you once had close to your heart and appreciate this as a learning experience. Whatever the learnings are you can carry these into your next relationships. Learning to love, knowing that you have and can love, maybe without regrets and you did/are doing your best is a powerful takeaway.

Self-care, self-reflection and self love: These are the three S’s that carry me through everyday. I value myself; I see my imperfections as perfections and this breakup broke me but didn’t kill me. You are able to experience breakups and understand that it does not diminish your self-worth (this is a constant battle with societal pressures. F**K ‘EM). Seeking support from friends who have also experienced a breakup/separation or divorce, whichever label you choose to place on it, is incredibly helpful. You don’t feel as isolated and alienated. Having a therapist is essential or any safe space where you can talk or express your feelings and feel validated with them. Do the things you love to do even when they feel like they are few and far between “nothing” most of the time. And remember, you are still lovable.

Breakups are hard and it doesn’t have to mean that the love you had is lost, it can evolve into something else- growing apart in a way that makes sense and fits for the life that you want to create now and for your future, whilst honouring the past. Love does transform and can take on many forms and it’s OK to move on. I promise, you will move on.

Remember you don’t have to do “your breakup” on your own. When you are ready, please reach out to our therapists: co*****@*************an.com.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder or ReLearning Human.