Have you ever found yourself thinking about what should have happened, what someone should have said or done? 

Focusing on an alternative world where what happened didn’t happen is exhausting. While you expend energy thinking about what should be, you create more pain. There is more suffering in the denial of reality than there is in the acceptance. 

The concept of radical acceptance is a skill to tolerate distress. This important skill lets us move from blaming, tantruming and denying to problem solving what is in front of us. 

Maybe you have heard yourself say or think some of the following statements:

“If it was me, I wouldn’t have made that decision.”

“They shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why is this happening?”

“I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.”

“This should be easier for me.”

If so, the practice of radical acceptance will help you move into experiencing your life more fully, including all the challenges you face. 

How to practice radical acceptance:

Acknowledge the pain: Instead of pushing away difficult emotions, accept them. Radical acceptance requires you to fully engage in the range of emotions humans can access without trying to engage, suppress or deny them. If you are feeling anger, you might say, “I am feeling angry right now and that’s OK, it will pass.” 

Let go of judgement: It’s easy to judge yourself for feeling and to think that certain emotions or situations are “wrong.” The practice of acceptance means letting go of that judgement. Instead of believing “I shouldn’t be sad,” you would accept that sadness is part of every human experience. 

Stop resisting: As the saying goes, “shit happens.” We don’t want to accept failure, relationships ending, getting evicted, death, and other losses. And, we all know that for all of us, this is part of being human. Instead of ruminating about what should or could be, you might remind yourself, “it is what it is, there have been hundreds of decisions and experiences that have led up to this moment.” 

Self-compassion: Life is challenging enough without stewing in self-condemnation and judgement. Next time you find yourself in a challenging moment or a moment you are resisting, you can decide to offer yourself compassion. Saying to yourself, “I’m having a hard time with this and that’s OK, we all have to manage challenges in our life, I am not alone. This will pass and for now, it’s OK that I’m struggling.” 

Focus on the present: Your brain might default to ruminating about the past or predicting the future. Radical acceptance encourages us to focus on the here and now because we can’t change the past and we cannot predict the future. When you find your mind moving into the past or future, catch it and come back to the present – feeling your feet on the floor, your butt in your chair or the breath moving in and out of your body. 

Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t necessarily solve your problems, but it does change your relationship to them. Instead of struggling against your problems, acceptance allows you to find clarity and move with the problem instead of resisting it. 

Radical acceptance is, well…. Radical. It goes against the default of denying, ruminating, controlling and avoiding. It’s also a skill that can be, in practice, life changing. You can change your life if you want to, the first step might be this practice. 

You don’t have to do this work alone, if you’re thinking of trying therapy, connect with us at co*****@*************an.com or read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human