“Why aren’t we talking about this?” This question is seared into my mind. One of my closest friends called me this past January and this was the first thing she asked as she was experiencing her father’s transition. Sitting in the hospital parking lot in her car, that’s when she called me. And then, we had a chat about things that matter and things we don’t nearly talk about enough. That we are all going to die. That we have some dying wishes or not, that we have fears about dying or not. The conversation was brief but that didn’t matter. The experience of the conversation is what mattered. What we were curious about, compassion, empathy, lived experiences, exploring emotions- sitting with them, space to sit with them, patience and love. Nothing to do about right or wrong, no solutions. That didn’t matter. It never does when death is near.

We don’t talk about death. We avoid it.  We live deeply in a death-phobic culture and this avoidance to accept the inevitable may just be the cause of our suffering rather than dying itself. For some of us anyway. As human beings, our brains are programmed to survive. It is not programmed to die. When people are dying there is a moment in which the brain/body still fights to survive. There is a surge in energy in the dying person. It’s actually called a death surge. Whether this looks like movement when they have not been able to move for months, or they have an appetite for their favorite food. There is lucidity. This is the body’s way of trying to remain in function- trying to survive. 

There is fear around death predominantly because we succumb into an unknown landscape. Full of uncertainty. So it does make sense that we don’t talk about death.

Now, I welcome you to join me in my curiosity about death and your own death. How do you feel right now? Observe, be curious and breathe. It’s OK.  

Death and the fear of death of my loved ones has surrounded me over the past decade due to their life threatening diagnoses and, in December 2022, my sister died. The person that I feared to lose the most since I have been alive, she died. And I am still alive and surviving and I have fully accepted this notion of death. None of us can escape it. So naturally as a therapist and a curious human I want to learn and talk more about it. I started to ask myself some questions around death. These are some of the questions you can ask yourself too. If the question doesn’t ignite something in you, move on to the next. I encourage you to journal your answers so you have something to come back to as a reminder that you have started the conversation around death and dying, even if it’s with yourself.

• What do I fear most about death? 
• Am I afraid to die? Why?
• What do I think happens after I die?
• What song(s) would I play at my funeral? What does this song(s) mean to me?
• How does my religion, culture, spirituality view death?
• What have I learned about death & dying?
• How would I want to die? 
• How do my thoughts about my death impact the way that I live?
• Is death truly an end or a transformation of some kind?
• What would I regret if I died today?
• What do I want to be remembered for? (Maybe you can write a short obituary of yourself)

Journaling about death and your death in particular can help ease some anxiety you may experience when you lean into your curiosity around death and dying. Speaking to others about death and dying can also help normalize this life event. Maybe we don’t need to fear it as much as we do? How do you feel after exploring these questions? You can journal about that too. What I am learning is that the answers to these questions will change over time as we grow older, evolve and experience loss. There is no right or wrong in how we answer these questions, there is no right or wrong in how we experience death and dying. But it is going to happen, so just as we work so hard in living a fulfilled life, maybe we can also put some thought and effort into dying a good death.

If you wish to seek support around death and dying you can visit our website here and book a consultation here with our therapists to find the best fit and start your conversation around death, dying and grief. You don’t have to do this alone. 

If you’re not ready for therapy but still curious about death, here are some book recommendations:

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK” – Megan Divine

“Briefly Perfectly Human” – Alua Arthur

“The Lost Art of Dying”: –  L.S. Dugdale

“The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss”- Mary Francis O’Connor

“Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe” – Laura Lynne Jackson

“How We Live Is How We Die”- Pema Chödrön

“How to Live When a Loved One Dies”- Thich Nhat Hanh

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human