Folks who avoid conflict are often touted as easy going and identifying with “going with the flow.” They are also the folks who likely find themselves knee deep in conflict, resentment and inner turmoil because they haven’t learned the skills to engage in healthy conflict.

Is this you? Keep reading… 

If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, you probably didn’t have healthy conflict modeled during your earlier years. The tendency to avoid conflict has been traced back to growing up in an environment where you were criticized, dismissed or ignored. This type of early experience  causes us to have a deep belief that people can’t feel upset or disappointed or there will be dire consequences like the silent treatment, yelling or raised voices, being isolated (going to your room) and other punishments where the caregiver withheld connection. 

Conflict avoidance can present as a host of experiences. Working with a roster of recovering conflict avoiders, here are a few patterns I have noticed:

Making decisions you think other people want you to make

Feeling a sense of emotional paralysis over-making decisions

Avoiding challenging conversations

Feeling profound resentment and not speaking up

Withholding what we want in relationships

Not being aware of what you want 

Focusing on the needs of others instead of your own

Struggling with a sense of self 

Engaging in heated and consistent conflict 

Inner turmoil and inability to say “no”

Mistrusting others motives or words

Logically, we all know that conflict is part of life. Every relationship – work, intimate, family, friendship and even the relationship that we have with ourselves will include some level of conflict. So, if we can’t avoid all conflict, what can we do?

When we enter into conflict with the belief that it’s us vs. them, we won’t be able to help feeling like adversaries. We will feel defensive, angry, scared and a host of other emotions that will get in the way of resolution. When we are reactionary, conflict escalates. 

First, ReLearn what the purpose of conflict is: 

Relationship researchers and clinical psychologists Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman say “Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding.” 

Practice accepting that conflict is part of life, part of all relationships and that its purpose is to get to know the issue or problem and find a way forward. When this is practiced more often than not, your perspective around conflict will shift. By engaging in healthy conflict, you may also notice a decrease in anxiety, resentment, conflict, rumination, improved self-esteem and decision-making. 

Developing the skills to engage in healthy conflict will help you become more comfortable with conflict. Being able to stay steady when in conflict will make conflict feel more manageable and you will find yourself feeling more connected to yourself and others.

Recovering from years of avoiding conflict can often need more support. Reach out to our team at co*****@*************an.com or book a complimentary meet and greet here to find a therapist who will help you feel empowered to walk into conflict rather than shying away from it. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human