Navigating Change

Anxiety is a term that most of us barely go a day without hearing from our friends, colleagues, in the media or out in the world, and somehow, we struggle to conceptualize it within ourselves. 

Someone once said that the difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is a reaction to something that has happened while anxiety is a fear response to something that hasn’t happened yet.

As I anxiously sit here writing this blog thinking about what my dentist is going to say about my teeth, I can feel my palms start to sweat as I see a mental image of their judgemental face as I wince and whine with every poke and prod (all my braces and maxillofacial surgery folks stand up!). My mind begins to fog over as I hear a distinct alert to cancel the appointment. The whisper of “you can go another day,” “you don’t have time for this,” becomes more audible as I sit thinking. What I am experiencing is anxiety. 

The beautiful thing about fear is, when it presents, we react perfectly – the body is wired to survive. When fear is activated, we respond in whatever way we need to in order to manage the presenting danger. 

Anxiety is the same, except, the danger that is felt hasn’t happened yet (even if our mind and body says it’s inevitable). 

What is anxiety anyways?

Anxiety is our internal alarm system that sounds off when it perceives danger. Note: the word perceive. Unfortunately our lizard brain hasn’t gotten the memo yet that the email from your boss won’t kill you, the person talking shit about you and that an unknown caller isn’t a threat to your survival. That is where most people get stuck – anxiety is not logical and often does not work to manage it. Trust me, if I could say “hey, there isn’t anything to be anxious about, you’re fine,” I would shout it from the rooftops. Because logic usually doesn’t work to manage anxiety, what does? 

Because anxiety is usually a future-oriented experience, do whatever you can to come back to the space you are in, back to the present moment. There are many present-focused activities  and it is important to have one or two well practiced ones that you can use in an anxious moment. You can read more about coming back to the present here.

What anxiety sounds like:

Everyone’s anxiety voice is different. My voice sounds pretty catastrophic and it is distrusting of my ability to manage challenging situations. Yours might be different but mine sounds like:

1. “What if” Thoughts: “What if I fail? What if I embarrass myself?”
2. Future focus: “What if I don’t get the job? What if something happens to my loved ones? What if I can’t handle this?”
3. Overthinking: “Did I say the wrong thing? What did they think of me? I need to replay that conversation in my head.”
4. Self-Doubt: “Am I good enough? What if everyone else is more qualified?” 
5. Catastrophizing: “If I mess this up, it will ruin everything I have worked for. I’ll be a failure.”
6. Hyperawareness of the body: “My heart is racing too fast, am I having a heart attack? What if something is wrong with me? Why can’t I calm down?”
7. Avoidance Thoughts: “Maybe I should just cancel. It’s too much to handle right now. I can’t do it.”

Anxiety can manifest in a number of ways. Clients I have worked with have identified anxiety showing up in their bodies as:

Racing or palpating heart

Perspiration

Heat through head, neck and chest

Stomach in knots

Racing mind

Tension through jaw, neck and shoulders

Short and shallow breathing 

General unease and restlessness

Sleep disturbances and difficulty falling asleep 

Managing the above cognitive and physical symptoms is simple but not easy. Start by using your awareness muscle and: 

Accept it: stop resisting yourself and let yourself feel anxious. 

Name it: “I know it might not be rational but I’m feeling anxious about X and my mind is saying …”

Manage it: When I’m anxious I know that coming back to the present moment is helpful. Present-focused activities include grounding exercises (you can find some here) , mindful activities (available here) , and other tools that I have developed and practiced in therapy. 

Move on: instead of focusing on the fact that you were anxious just now, move on. Anxiety will pop up seemingly at random and that’s OK. The less time we spend in the anxious space, the less time we will spend in the anxious space (get it?). We cannot think our way out of challenges, we cannot prepare for every outcome, avoiding hard stuff makes it worse and we are so much more adaptive and resilient  than we give ourselves credit for.

Living is challenging enough without having the persistent experience of anxiety. I get it. Looking back, I was a highly anxious kid during the 90’s who had no idea what was happening and despite having medically-focused parents, they couldn’t help me accept, name, manage and move with the anxiety so here I am. A human, just like you who is trying to manage their anxiety day to day through weekly therapy (Elizabeth, you’re the BEST!), daily awareness and mindful practices and a community of people who help enable AND check in on me when I need it. Remember, you aren’t alone in this and there are people who are not only trained, but have experienced something similar to what you are managing now. We are here when you need us – or – when you want us.

If you want to connect with us, you can contact us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

When was the last time you had some rest? Not just sleeping or scrolling through your timeline while you think about the dishes that have to be done — but genuine rest — the kind that feeds your mind and body. With all the things we have to do in a day, it can feel impossible. I know, there’s just never enough time. But the thing is, rest is not a privilege or something you need to earn, it’s a priority. So, when can we simply rest? 

If the time we spend taking breaks while thinking about our next task to do isn’t rest, then what is it? Rest is when someone takes a break, physically or mentally, from an activity as a way to recharge. And so, when we are thinking about other things, we aren’t really fitting into this definition. 

If you’re still not convinced that finding ways to rest beyond what you have been doing will help, here are a few reasons why you should begin practicing rest. I’m sure if you take a moment to think about it, you’ll come up with a few reasons of your own as to why you owe it to yourself to take a break.

1. Rest is important for minimizing stress: not only this, but as a practice, it can also be good for avoiding burnout.
2. When we are rested, we can make better decisions: when we step away from something to rest, we can look at it with a fresh perspective.
3. Beneficial for our physical health: have you ever noticed that when you’re particularly overwhelmed your body feels off too? Stress and our fight-or-flight response impacts different aspects of our body like digestion, blood pressure, heart rate and hormones. When we rest, we give our bodies the ability to recharge and lessen stress.
4. Rest can make us more productive: when we force ourselves to get stuff done because we are stuck in a mindset of what is and isn’t productive, we can sometimes start dragging our feet and procrastinating, so we struggle with the task at hand. Rest makes it easier to focus on the task, ultimately improving our ability to complete what we need to do.
5. Rest can be a form of protest: in a world where we often aren’t given the opportunity to rest, and are even told we shouldn’t, it’s a great act of resistance to rest and prioritize ourselves. Community and being there for others is important, but we can’t always be everything for everyone — and that’s okay too — you can take time for yourself when needed.

It’s one thing to say that rest is helpful, but let’s be honest, it’s also difficult to find time for it. We are so busy these days and the responsibilities pile up. Here’s a few ways to get better rest:

1. Schedule it in: just like you can schedule other parts of your day, you can schedule rest too. It doesn’t have to take more than 20 minutes, but find a time where you can focus on you and recharge. Scheduling it in may help you stick more to the plan and avoid distractions that take away from your rest time. 
2. Find something you enjoy: your rest time is for you — how you recharge doesn’t have to be typical or make sense to anyone else, it can just be. It may not click right away and you may have to try out different ways to unwind, but if it feels right to you, hold onto it.
3. Consider what rest means to you: is it more recharging to be with others socially or do you find watching a  movie alone under blankets to be more restful?

Don’t know where to start, try these ideas. You may find them helpful or you may not, and that’s okay, we are all different after all. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll lead you somewhere where you can feel rested.

1. Get active: try moving your body in any way that works for you — go for a walk, hike, or try dance.
2. Try breathing exercises or similar activities: practices like these can help us to regulate our stress response. Try a few practices and see what works for you. Not sure where to find one that you like? Check out some of our resources here.
3. Consider your favourite type of media: do you love music? Is there a show or movie that brings you comfort? Try to implement these into your day, but not just as background noise; instead, immerse yourself in it.
4. Play: when was the last time you played? Play has many benefits for your mental health. You can read more about this here and understand your play style through this worksheet.
5. Take a nap: sometimes the most basic methods of rest work best. Try resting your mind and body with a nap to recharge.
6. Find a hobby that fuels you: consider what you enjoy, maybe it’s something creative, playing video games, baking, etc. If the hobby leaves you feeling fulfilled and recharged, it’s rest.

Now, please find some time to rest — it’s okay to prioritize yourself! 

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

As an addict (smoking) in recovery, I spent a lot of time outside watching massive Toronto squirrels. Moving from the East Coast, I had never seen anything like them before. They are twitchy, resourceful and fast. Because they have to be. Just like us, they are living in a world as both predator and prey. You might be rolling your eyes and thinking “Humans are top of the food chain.” I can’t argue with that BUT I do think that as animals, humans feel less safe than we care to admit. Don’t believe me? If you let your mind roam for a minute or two, where does it go?

Are you:

Ruminating about a past conversation?

Anticipating something coming up today or this week?

Engaging in a hypothetical argument?

Struggling to get to sleep or stay asleep at night?

Judging or comparing yourself or your values to other people? 

Avoiding certain people, places or experiences? 

Beating yourself up over a mistake you made?

Repeating a conversation that was had? 

Over-analyzing a piece of feedback?

Becoming angry remembering something someone said or did?

Engaging in “what if” types of thoughts? 

If you sat peaceful and zen for a few minutes (no, disassociation and numbing do not count), I’m happy for you. If not, your mind might be working hard to keep you safe from perceived dangers. I know, I know, your performance evaluation or upcoming third date isn’t inherently dangerous yet here you are, thinking about it. 

All humans, all animals have things that they perceive as dangerous. These things might not be logically or rationally a threat to survival but the brain and body systems send off little alarm bells (cue anxiety, panic, insomnia, OCD, depression and other experiences) to keep us safe. Think of those squirrels who run away from people trying to feed them or just walking near them. The people did not have any intention of harming them and yet the squirrel ran because it is hardwired to seek safety even if it doesn’t make logical sense. We are just like those squirrels.

Yes we have access to logical reasoning, emotional regulation and complex reasoning, but we have to USE IT. 

If you are:

Imagining the future

Getting stuck in the past

Struggling to regulate your anger, excitement, and other emotions

Shutting down in conflict

Experiencing insomnia 

Avoiding conflict

Overthinking 

Feeling exhausted and like you are fried by the end of the day

Not being honest with yourself or others

Not advancing in your career or relationships the way you want to

(and many more human experiences)

The likelihood is that your Nervous System is stuck and you are not able to access those highly human traits of reasoning, regulation and other advanced human traits. Remember, just because we are wired to survive doesn’t mean we have to settle for survival. Through consistent practice and mental evolution,cognitive rewiring is possible. 

Being stuck is not the problem. It’s human to be stuck sometimes. Staying stuck might be the problem, and if it is, we are here to help. 

Want to take the next step? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support you. If you’re feeling nervous about the next steps and want to better understand the process, you can read Getting Started here.

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Did the title make you feel uncomfortable, or did it intrigue you? Or both? Your initial reaction might be linked to your learnings and experiences around the act of sex, sexuality and sensuality. What do you think about sex? Do you enjoy sex? Are you able to talk openly about sex and your sexual experiences? OR does thinking about sex bring up feelings like embarrassment, disgust, fear? If so, you are not alone and you may be struggling with sexual shame.

Sex shame can look and feel very different for each of us. If you grew up in a household where the tv channel was switched because a sex scene was on the screen like I did, the likelihood of feeling anything but uncomfortable is unavoidable. The message absorbed is that sex is dirty, taboo, and if you can’t watch it, you surely should not be “doing it.” It’s shameful.  

A simplified way of defining sexual shame is the sense or a feeling that something is inherently wrong or bad in you and anything remotely revolving around sex. You may feel this about the way your genitals look, the shape or size of your body, sexual fantasies, desires, who you are sexually attracted to or any kinks that you may have, and so on.

 So where have you learned sexual shame?

These learnings are not isolated to our family homes. Some of our culture or religious beliefs contribute to our sexual shame. We may not be aware of it or not want to believe it does have an influence, but it does. Some of the teachings around sex say that it is sinful, particularly outside of the construct of marriage (and you are having sex outside of marriage), or that sexuality as a whole is bad or dirty. This can instill feelings of guilt around normal, natural, sexual thoughts and behaviors.

What did we learn about our bodies growing up? From a young age we are bombarded with false messages about what our bodies should look like and how we should behave. Absorbing and believing these messages can lead to body shame. Body shame is closely tied to sexual shame. The media doesn’t help either. As we know, it often promotes constricted standards of beauty and what is sexy. Although we’ve made some strides in the past ten years or so, we still have a way to go. These messages formulate an unrealistic idea around sex and what is acceptable or not that can leave us feeling guilt (what I’m doing is bad) and shame (I am bad).

On a heavier note, individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse may have internalized feelings of shame around their sexuality, associating sexual experiences with disgust, pain, fear or violence.

 How is sex shame showing up in your life?

There are so many consequences of sexual shame that we may not be aware of. Here are some of the experiences you may have or are encountering in your life. Sex shame can lead to sexual dysfunction such as lack of desire, inability to orgasm, inability to have penetration or full penetration (i.e.: vaginismus) without pain, difficulty with arousal, and so on. You may experience low self-esteem due to feelings of shame around your sexuality, often increasing levels of anxiety and depression. Shame around sex can often build walls in your romantic relationships prohibiting honest communication, misunderstanding and leaving partners feeling inadequate and dissatisfied. Not to mention even more isolated in their shame. You’re also most likely not able to experience full pleasure. Shame can make it difficult to fully enjoy sex, to evoke a sense of curiosity and explore your sexual desires in a safe way.

How can you reclaim your sexuality without shame? (Or at least try to)

It is possible to relearn your relationship with sex and your sexuality. Here are some things that might help:

Therapy: Talk to a trained professional. Someone that is able to hold a safe space for you without judgment. Your experiences and how you feel about sex are valid and talking to a therapist can support your need to be heard and validated. Learning ways in which to understand your shame can help you learn how to release it.

Consensual safe sexual practices: Sexual practices established around consent and respect will support transparent communication. Being able to share your needs and desires will increase chances of building positive experiences around sex and reducing shame.

Challenge your beliefs (a repetitive narrative doesn’t make it true): Check in with yourself and your beliefs around sex and your sexuality. Are these your beliefs? Are emotions such as guilt and fear motivating factors? Do these beliefs support your authentic self?

Educate yourself (SEX 101): You may need to go back to the drawing board. (I’m remembering the 50 mins of sex education class). It might be helpful to relearn about sex, sexual consent, sexual/reproductive organs, anatomy, etc. This may help debunk all that we think we know about sex or have learned about sex, what we should or should not be doing sexually and, more importantly, how to or not to feel. Learning that sex is natural and some of it not so sexy may help shed some of the shame wrapped up in these learnings.

Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself while working through shame will be necessary. Your sexuality is unique, no need to compare it to others and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to work through your shame. Go at your own pace and what feels safe to you.

If you haven’t been able to label your sexual shame until now and wish to work on challenging and creating a new narrative around your ideas around sex, sexuality and sensuality, first and foremost, be kind to yourself during this process. It will require self-reflection, open communication, and a shift in your mindset. Healing from sexual shame is a brave and powerful step towards living an authentic life, having deeper and meaningful connections and cultivating a sense of empowerment and love for yourself. Reminder, you don’t have to do this on your own.

Please reach out to our team of therapists for support at co*****@re*************.com and you can check out ReLearning Human’s very own sex therapist Kehinde Ekpudu’s bio here. 

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Many of my clients share their challenges around falling asleep or staying asleep throughout the night. Especially during this time of year. When further explored, it’s quite clear that one of the challenges around sleep is that we are in fact trying to force ourselves to sleep! We know the drill. Twist and turn, get up to pee, curse, scroll on our phone, thoughts and worries running through our minds, curse some more, and so on. Forcing sleep doesn’t work. When we do this, we disrupt our natural process of sleep, our circadian rhythms and the release of sleep hormones such as melatonin. Here are some reasons as to why forcing yourself to sleep won’t work.

Let’s think about it, if you are forcing yourself to sleep you are adding pressure on yourself and this often leads us into an anxiety spiral. At this point trying to sleep is becoming more and more stressful. When you are feeling anxious, you are more sensitive and can experience a heightened awareness, not only in your body, but your surroundings. We experience anxiety when we are feeling a sense of threat (i.e.: F**k, I can’t sleep! I’m not going to be able to function and deliver a stellar presentation at work tomorrow!).  

We also don’t give sleep and the complexities of sleep the credit that it deserves, and we often neglect this process by neglecting to listen to our bodies. Your body knows when it needs to sleep and fighting off these cues often lead to disruptive sleep cycles. I understand that you may not be able to take a nap in the middle of the day (especially if you’re physically in the office 😊), however listening to your body at the end of the day and following through on what it needs when it comes to sleep may surprise you.

Probably the worst thing you can do (I am guilty of this too) is reaching for your phone or any device before sleep and/or when you awake in the middle of the night. When you do this, you are activating your brain and it will be difficult to fall asleep. 

My first suggestion with clients wanting to relearn how to sleep and stay asleep is the practice of:

 1) Acceptance VS resistance. This can help support your process of sleep overall. It interrupts the current habit or pattern that exists. You are also choosing to focus on the present moment and not tomorrow’s presentation.

2) Mindfulness sleep meditations can keep you in the present moment. Deep breathing and muscle relaxation techniques can help calm your mind and body, easing your anxiety (find some resources here). Journaling is also another way to declutter your mind and soften or dump any negative ruminating thoughts.

3) Listening to your body and trusting that it knows when to sleep is helpful. You can try getting up, doing some light stretches, walking around or sitting in another room if that is an option and doing this quietly.

4) Assisting your body and mind with a pre-sleep realistic relaxing routine can help wind down.  Limiting caffeine, heavy meals and screen time before bed can help. However, don’t set yourself up for failure. If you don’t like to read or meditate before bed, then don’t. Setting a realistic relaxing routine for you is important.

5) Give it time. If you are starting your journey in relearning how to sleep and stay asleep, some offerings of grace and kindness to yourself will be nice. Your brain needs time, repetition and consistency to adopt a new learning. So be nice to your brain.

6) Seeking additional support for sleep may be necessary and always recommended if it is impacting your daily functioning. Consult with a healthcare professional. They may be able to provide further support around your specific sleep care needs.

Getting to know our bodies and our natural sleep cycle is important. Being in tune with ourselves brings an awareness of what we need to fall asleep and stay asleep. Accepting that our needs around sleep will change from time to time can be difficult. We are not always going to have a deep, peaceful sleep due to life events, stressors, change in season and so on. Being mindful of this and accepting this natural process can also contribute to better sleep. It’s a start anyway. If/when you decide to relearn and create a sleep routine that works for you give some of these suggestions a try. Good luck to you and maybe, good night.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.