Have you ever had the experience where your mind starts wandering, and it may start off small but before you know it, you’re thinking of all the big life questions and getting caught up in it? There is a word for this — existential dread — and it’s likely that we will all experience this at least once in our lives.
We can start with defining it. Existential dread is the feeling of anxiety or hopelessness when we think about life. This may include overthinking all of life’s questions and meaning, the actions we take, if what we are doing matters, and so on.
If you’re feeling like this, it’s likely you’re not the only one – and I promise you’re not alone. It can be easy to get trapped in the thought process of all these questions, especially given the current state of the world. However, staying stuck in this place can and will have negative impacts on your mental health, but there are ways that we can live with and cope with these feelings as they arise.
First and foremost, know when to put the phone and social media away. I’m not going to make the argument that ignorance is bliss and that it’s better not to know, because that simply isn’t the case. Knowledge is important, but it is equally as important to know when to stop doomscrolling because there is a fine line between being knowledgeable and consuming too much. With social media, we have access to so much information, but our brains aren’t equipped to process the amount being thrown at it. So when you notice you’ve been reading and scrolling for too long, or it’s starting to make you feel anxious, make the choice to put the phone away and direct your energy toward something else.
Try journaling. Journaling can be a great tool in understanding how you’re feeling. It can be a safe and unfiltered method of getting your thoughts out on paper. If you’re unsure where to start, you can find some prompts here.
Find joy where you can and make the choice to create it. We’re not going to be happy all the time and that’s OK, but we can create and look for joy, even in the moments when we’re struggling. If you were to think about it now, what brings you joy? If you can’t think of anything, that’s OK too, maybe start brainstorming ways you can create joy for yourself, and start implementing them throughout your day and week where you can.
Look for comfort. What’s comforting to you? For me, it’s putting on one of my favourite movies or shows, or listening to a record, always in a dark room with a light projector on. But it can really be anything — putting on some comforting clothes, hiding under a blanket, watching a movie, cuddling with your pet, really focusing on anything that brings you comfort.
Engage with community rather than staying isolated. When we are feeling higher levels of anxiety or hopelessness, it can feel almost second nature to isolate ourselves. And we may do this emotionally or physically, but this is when I would argue it’s more critical to find yourself in community. What does community look like to you? It can be friends, family, support groups, or joining a local group of people with similar interests. Alternatively, if it’s more accessible, online communities can be an excellent way to connect with people, especially finding those with similar interests or experiences as your own.
Accept the emotions as they come rather than hiding from them. From a young age, we’re taught not to experience or show emotions that are seen as “negative,” like anger, sadness, anxiety — but instead, we should allow ourselves to feel all the emotions. If you feel rage, let yourself feel it instead of bottling it up. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. What’s important is displaying them and moving forward with them in ways that support you.
I’m not going to tell you this feeling will go away or that any correct set of coping or grounding skills will ‘fix’ this feeling, because simply put, that would be a lie. There’s just too much that is going on during the day to day for this feeling to just disappear. But because we’re in it, it can be helpful to find moments and things that bring you joy and comfort. And it’s best to remember, you’re not in it alone.
If you want to connect and explore therapy, you can reach out at co*****@re*************.com. If you’re not quite ready for this step yet, you can find mindfulness resources here or worksheets here.
Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW
There’s nothing easy about a breakup. I have been navigating a separation with my ex-partner for the past four years. We still live under the same roof. Our home we were building dreams in. The way we would renovate it, children/no children? hosting family & friends, celebrating life milestones, growing old. You know all the stuff you dream about when you are building a life with someone. We are friends most of the time and we do our best to try to approach each other with love, care and understanding. We are not successful with this all the time. There is no right or wrong way of doing a breakup and the truth is there is no easy way. It hurts like hell, even when you know in your core that you have come to the end of your romantic relationship. Even when you know it is the right thing for you.
If any of this resonates with you, continue reading. I’ll share some things I’m learning along the way. Perhaps it will allow you to offer yourself some compassion and grace (consistent and necessary practice of mine) through the uncertainties, fears, and newness of your life if you have, are or will soon be experiencing a breakup of a romantic partnership. More importantly, so you know that you are not alone.
I think the hardest part is understanding and accepting that there has been a change in connection with your partner. The experience of acceptance is transient. Never the same. There are ebbs and flows, five steps forward, ten steps back. There is the confusion, the doubt, the reoccurring question, “Am I making the right decision?” It’s OK that this happens. Your brain is trying to understand this new reality, it feels unsafe and questionable because it is new. It is also a loss. And grief changes our brain and takes time to heal and relearn how to be. How to exist. It’s not only our heart that feels temporarily broken, our brain does too.
There is a difference between love and compatibility: Love is often what brings two people together and keeps the relationship intact for the most part. With life circumstances, grief and loss of loved ones, values or goals may evolve over time, it can often make it difficult for both people to grow together. This is why some relationships don’t last.
Emotional growth: This plays a big role in trying to see things from your (ex) partner’s perspective and it requires you to work on yourself emotionally; in doing so, it allows for compassion not only for yourself, but also in approaching your ex (partner) with compassion rather than bitterness, anger or resentment (it’s OK that you feel all these emotions BTW).
Letting go… with grace? Easier said than done but not impossible. What often helps is reframing the narrative: the shame and fear of judgment is raw, and you often feel like a failure when you couldn’t make the relationship work. Reframing this life transition as a natural progression and an opportunity for growth helps. An opportunity to grow for the both of you.
Healing through forgiveness: This remains a work in progress and I imagine it will be ongoing throughout my life if I’m being honest. Forgiveness allows for healing and to navigate from a space of love even when things go wrong. There are no particular steps in how forgiveness works, and again it takes time, it does require intentionality though. Do you want to forgive? This question is a good place to start. A way to gain clarity and decide how you want to move forward. Or at least try to anyway.
Relearning and rebuilding a friendship after “that” kind of love: Not everyone does this, wants to or can maintain a friendship after a romantic partnership and it’s OK. Or at least not right away. Sometimes considering it as an option, even if in the future, can offer up some sense of relief (and if children are involved, there will be some form of contact I imagine). The point is, we don’t hear of good breakups, do we? So, not limiting what could be and how love can take on a new form, a healthier, more amicable relationship could be helpful.
What have you learned from this experience? Each relationship teaches us something valuable. We can choose to believe this or not. When the relationship ends you can still hold the love that you once had close to your heart and appreciate this as a learning experience. Whatever the learnings are you can carry these into your next relationships. Learning to love, knowing that you have and can love, maybe without regrets and you did/are doing your best is a powerful takeaway.
Self-care, self-reflection and self love: These are the three S’s that carry me through everyday. I value myself; I see my imperfections as perfections and this breakup broke me but didn’t kill me. You are able to experience breakups and understand that it does not diminish your self-worth (this is a constant battle with societal pressures. F**K ‘EM). Seeking support from friends who have also experienced a breakup/separation or divorce, whichever label you choose to place on it, is incredibly helpful. You don’t feel as isolated and alienated. Having a therapist is essential or any safe space where you can talk or express your feelings and feel validated with them. Do the things you love to do even when they feel like they are few and far between “nothing” most of the time. And remember, you are still lovable.
Breakups are hard and it doesn’t have to mean that the love you had is lost, it can evolve into something else- growing apart in a way that makes sense and fits for the life that you want to create now and for your future, whilst honouring the past. Love does transform and can take on many forms and it’s OK to move on. I promise, you will move on.
Remember you don’t have to do “your breakup” on your own. When you are ready, please reach out to our therapists: co*****@re*************.com.
Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder or ReLearning Human.
Did you drop or quit your New Year’s resolution yet? We are two weeks into the new year so If I could take a guess, most likely you have broken one or two? You may think this is a “negative” outlook from a therapist and maybe my scrougieness hasn’t worn off yet? Probably accurate and what I want to share with you is that it’s OK if you broke or dropped your New Year’s resolution(s). If you did, they were most probably unrealistic, hence unattainable and definitely not sustainable. Or you never really wanted this change in your life? The beautiful, marvelous part about this real life situation is you get to start again. Any time of the year. And hopefully, when you are truly ready or not, but feel a little more determined by/from your internal wisdom and your life, rather than the date and month in the calendar (not to mention the ridiculous societal pressures/construct of NY resolutions). You might not agree with this and that’s OK. But if you are one of the people that have broken a New Year’s resolution, I would challenge you to give it another try… when YOU are ready. Do you know what makes you ready for things? Ready for change?
What does your body feel like?
(Tense, ease, excited for this goal?)
What words are you using to speak to yourself?
(Are you being kind? Mean? Doubtful?)
What does the work and effort required on a weekly/monthly basis look like in order for you to reach your goal?
(Have you done this before? Is the change you are seeking going to shock your body? Your mind? How embedded and committed (willingly, consciously or not) have you been to this pattern you are trying to change and introduce newness? How many years?)
What support system do you have in place?
(Yes, you can ask for help. Who will you reach out to when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns? When this change feels too hard? Do you have an accountability buddy? [I hate this term] Who’s your people?)
Get where I’m going with this? You need a plan. Some kind of plan is required in order for your New Year’s resolution to be attainable. With a realistic plan in place, you may even start to believe that you will be able to reach your goal. It becomes believable, maybe trust in yourself more through experiencing small and consistent change. There is a vision in mind (cheers to you lovers of vision boards and believers in manifestation!). The reason why a plan is key is that we are never really ready for change. Or I should say that our brain is never really ready for change; however, we know we have the ability to change and adapt. With a plan, determination, kindness and compassion to self, belief in one’s strength, internal wisdom, purpose and letting go of the limitations we restrict ourselves by, things can happen. This groundwork is required before & during the occurrence of change. Not always possible as there are external factors to consider, and we don’t have control over those elements. But we can plan with the flexible mindset that plans change and change is constant.
For some of us New Year’s resolutions do work and for some it just doesn’t. It becomes another reason to beat up ourselves and feel discouraged that we failed once again. If you are expecting your brain to adjust and be OK, and even like the change in just one day, week or month you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take time, patience, repetition and desire, discipline and determination (my three favourite “D’s”).
We are only two weeks in so, you have some time to try again if you want and if this change is a priority to you. Before you start again, please ask yourself this. Why the change? Why is it important to YOU now? And if it is truly important to you, what’s the kind, realistic, supportive and sustainable plan you will put into place for yourself? At any time of the year.
If you need some support like we all do in creating a realistic plan in achieving your goals and getting to root issues of why you don’t or feel you can’t, our therapists at ReLearning Human also experience the same human-like challenges and are here to support you when you are ready. Please connect with us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here. If you are not ready to speak to a therapist, you can check out our micro goals worksheet here to guide you with taking small steps in making things happen.
Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
Ever feel like your mind is jumping ahead of your body? It happens so quickly; our brain gets hijacked by future worries. Thinking about what to cook for supper? Then when do I buy the groceries? should I go to the bank first, shit I have to cancel my dentist appointment, I really need to sort out my banking… we are soon spiraling downwards. Breathing more heavily, feeling tightness in our chest or a fogginess clouds our mind. For some of us, this is how our anxiety shows up.
When the thoughts jump out at us, we don’t always notice it right away and we sure get caught up in our anxiety, dysregulated and feel out of control. Because we are. This is until we can bring awareness to our anxiety (name it) and learn to regulate our nervous system. In this moment of awareness, we can come back to our breath. This is the magic of breathing, we have access to it all the time until we don’t, and it doesn’t require a tremendous amount of effort, just practice.
Here are three questions to help bring us back to the now:
1) Where am I?
2) What am I doing?
3) Who am I with?
In order to answer the first question, I have to completely stop. Breathe. Deep breaths and ask myself where am I? Firstly, this is to interrupt my mind from racing, being scared and to remind myself that my body is safe. Maybe at this point I have not entirely convinced my mind but I am present to my surroundings.
Secondly, what am I doing? Again, first I take a few deep breaths, asking myself what EXACTLY I am doing. I bring awareness to what my physical actions are, sometimes to the thoughts in my mind however at this point, not so important. At this moment I am bringing awareness to what I am doing. I am bringing myself back here. Also reminding myself that I am safe.
Who am I with? Am I alone, with someone else? Usually when I’m alone, I draw my attention to my body, most often rubbing my feet together or gently rubbing my arm or even my chin. If I have drifted off into my spiral and I am with someone, I do my best to bring my attention to the person’s eyes or some part of their face that draws my attention, and again, deep breaths and then reestablish connection with this person.
This practice has helped significantly when my mind is racing. It is not so easy, but with practice it can become a useful tool to bring you back to the present moment. With this practice it is also important to hold a space of kindness and non self judgment as you may be learning how to be present for the first time. So, it will take time for your brain to adjust to this newness.
If you would like some guided meditations to help with the practice of being present, coming back to the here & now, check out this link. If you feel you are ready to explore discussing your anxiety and learn other strategies in managing your anxiety with a therapist, check out our therapists’ bios here.
Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Registered Social Worker/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
…But there might not be. You are human. It’s normal to get carried away with your thoughts and have your mind going here, there and everywhere. Repeat after me, there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me AND there are things I might want to work on that will make life a bit easier or a bit brighter.
As humans we have 70,000 – 100,000 thoughts a day and not all of them are happy and joyous. We can get caught up in some pretty wild and dark thought processes and that’s OK, that’s human. We are hard-wired for safety. You might think “but that meeting I’m ruminating about doesn’t impact my ability to survive” and you are right AND for some reason your brain thinks it does. I’m not going to attack or kill the squirrel when I walk up to it but it runs away anyways. We have to accept what our mind sees as a danger. That is the first step in managing our own version of humanness.
Just because our mind is running a marathon and flitting from thought to thought like some sort of anxious and judgemental Ninja Warrior, doesn’t mean we have to go with it. When your mind runs away, try to become aware of it. Once you become aware of the mental race you’ve been running, exhale. Come back to the room you are in right now.
What day is it?
What time?
Are you seated or standing?
What are you wearing?
Can you feel the weight of your clothes on your body?
Can you feel the support of the chair under your butt or your feet on the floor?
Do you notice anything around you?
Any noises you can hear?
Can you feel your hands? Your pinky fingers?
Orient back to the here and now and train your brain. It sounds easy doesn’t it? It is not. Noticing when your mind has wandered off, away from the present moment and bringing it back is hard work. You deserve to give yourself credit for that hard work. Simply training your mind can help manage a whole host of mental experiences like: anxiety, depression, insomnia, stress, anger and more. We all have stuff, baggage, and things that are either getting in the way of us living our lives or things we just want to work on and manage.
This type of activity is mindfully-based using your senses. Mindfulness is a really simple process of recognizing when the mind has wandered off into thought and coming back to the present moment. There are lots of ways to practice mindfulness including guided meditation, visualization, grounding techniques and lots more. You can find free resources for this here.
Being a human is not easy. You likely have a lot on your mind and are managing a lot (even if your mind says it’s not that much). If you feel like you have done the self-help routine, if you have tried therapy, if you have tried alone reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support.
Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human