Navigating Change

For any client that I meet I often describe therapy as a safe space. Where there is opportunity to explore learned patterns, coping mechanisms, uncover fears and rediscover parts of our humanness that were forgotten or didn’t even know existed. This is the unraveling beauty of therapy. What I also prepare my clients for is therapy can also be an isolating experience. Where seeking connection and understanding might start off with stepping into a space of solitude.

Therapy requires vulnerability. Through this process as a therapist, I gently ask clients to open up wounds that have been buried, confront memories that have been avoided and face fears and challenge themselves when they are ready, or not. This is a necessary process for healing to occur and this itself can cause a profound sense of isolation. Therapists are supportive; however, the journey that you are on is YOUR journey. No one else experiences the exact experience as you, your pain, your perspective. This process can feel like you are navigating the unknown entirely on our own. And it’s because you are.

Why Does Therapy Feel Isolating?

Unshared experiences: You soon start to realize that some experiences cannot be fully shared or understood by others. I never say to my clients, “I can only imagine.”  Because I can’t. I may have had similar experiences but not my clients’ experience. I can guide, validate emotions and offer insights, but I cannot walk in my client’s shoes. This can amplify feelings of solitude.

Disconnection from loved ones: Therapy prompts self-discovery often building curiosity and creating opportunities to reevaluate relationships, boundaries, wants and needs. Pretty much your life in general! As you learn more about yourself, grow and change, some relationships start to feel strained or off-rhythm. A felt sense of misalignment may emerge, causing you to question expectations or dynamics of existing connections. This can create a sense of alienation. Not everyone will understand, agree with or even accept your transformation. This shift in relationships can be extremely challenging and lonely.

Facing your truths: Therapy forces you to confront truths about yourself that you can no longer avoid, or rather you are somewhat ready to no longer avoid. Some truths about us can be uncomfortable and so painful. This internal work, inward focus, can sometimes feel isolating as you are processing through them alone. When you start to do the work of untangling patterns and unlearning and relearning coping mechanisms it can often feel like a solitary battle even with the most compassionate therapist rooting for you.

How Can You Navigate the Isolation?

Get used to the discomfort: It’s true. We need to start to normalize that with anything new, a change will feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our brain needs to adapt to this change and discomfort is often a sign of growth (therapy is working! Yay). Remember, feeling isolated through the process of therapy is not uncommon.

Let your therapist know: I share this often with my therapist. My ethnicity, cultural background, child of immigrant parents, sexual orientation and all the parts that make me whole have always felt uniquely different, not in a good way. Being a service user of therapy has amplified my feelings of alienation. I have always felt outside of any box. Discussing it with my therapist helps to unpack these feelings and they can make the process feel less daunting.

Build your support network: Who are your people? Lean on friends, family members or support groups that feel safe and can provide comfort. Sharing with others can help you bridge that gap with the internal work that you are doing and the outside world.

Write down your experience: Journaling helps. Writing down your experience is a powerful tool in processing your emotions and organizing your thoughts. Sometimes this can help in articulating your feelings that you might find difficult to express in your therapy sessions. It also feels incredible to read your entries and realise how far you’ve come and the personal growth that has occurred. If you would like some prompts to support you in journaling, you can find some here.

Be fearless with solitude: Try and embrace solitude. Use this time to deepen your connection to self. Practice mindfulness, breathwork, connect with your spiritual self or use creative outlets like art, music, dance. Have an open and curious mind. Do not fear your own company.

Isolation can feel incredibly daunting, but this doesn’t mean it is inherently negative. The solitude experienced in therapy can serve a profound purpose. This is a space where we can connect with ourselves. There can be room in this space for self-reliance, self- awareness, self-compassion and tremendous personal growth. The loneliness and solitude can be the bridge between who you were, are and who you are becoming. It can be isolating at times, but this process is a vital part of healing. With time, you can experience isolation paving the way to a deeper sense of connection, not only with others around you, but to the very essence of who you are.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Perfectionism is the Psychological phenomenon that is categorized by “all or nothing” ways of thinking, control and has been linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Working with anxious, procrastinating perfectionists for almost a decade, I have noticed a number of behaviours and beliefs that are keeping perfectionists stuck: 

Fear of failure: This profound fear stops you from starting any new endeavour by paralyzing your system. Some refer to this as a ‘functional freeze’ where on the outside you might look lazy or like you’re relaxed, but on the inside, you’re in turmoil and conflict bouncing between the various “best” ways to start.

Procrastination: You can’t fail if you don’t start right? Avoidance, or procrastination is one of the top behaviors I’ve noticed in perfectionists. Procrastination takes many forms and can sound like, “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I can’t handle this right now.” The more we procrastinate, the easier it is to get looped into the cycle of procrastination.  

Results focused: Most goals worth working towards require small, incremental changes that focus on process instead of the outcome. When we focus solely on the results, every time we don’t attain them, we fail. 

People-pleasing: Focusing on what others think of the decisions you are making and the goals you are achieving vs. having an intrinsic sense of accomplishment during the process. People-pleasing might show up as seeking external validation, withholding information about your goals or plans or making decisions that you believe others would value and want. 

Highly critical: Whether they are looking in the mirror or at people around them, perfectionists’ brains are hyper-critical. This neuro-wiring may present challenges in relationships where they are outwardly critical of their partner or inwardly critical, believing that they need to do and be better to deserve care and connection. 

Ready to make lasting changes to your perfectionist mindset? Here is what to do: 

Break through procrastination: Micro goals are goals that can help you break down tasks into smaller, more attainable goals so that each day you can feel a sense of accomplishment. Action creates motivation and the more micro goals you check-off, the more motivated you will be to keep going. Now (not later) is a great time to start. You can begin creating micro goals using this worksheet here.

Fail, fail and fail some more: Failure is part of any process. If we base out decisions and actions on not failing, then we likely aren’t trying. If we focus on not failing then we are playing defence in our own life. 

Re-focus on the process: When you notice your mind focusing on the end goal, pull back. Starting a business, changing body composition, finding a partner, making your bed, cleaning your space, takes consistent effort. 

ReLearn what perfectionism is: We sometimes use “well, I’m a perfectionist” as a way to fuel our helplessness. Perfectionism is a coping strategy to manage anxiety and like any coping strategy, the more we use it, the stronger the “muscle” becomes. 

Ask for support: Whether it’s doomscrolling, drinking too much at parties, over-texting friends and family members or ruminating, recognizing and managing anxiety is tough. You don’t have to manage alone, there are books, courses and therapists who can help! Check out a few of the resources below: 

Marc Antony TedTalk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTbnBmwKuCI

Reshma Saujani: https://www.amazon.ca/Brave-Not-Perfect-Celebrating-Imperfection/dp/1524762350/ref=asc_df_1524762350/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=706754452057&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4001277781930848264&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000090&hvtargid=pla-1098540870872&psc=1&mcid=811d6b7b947d3bdcb104bf5acc85f337&gad_source=1

Ali Abdall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elAFB0HSBgo 

Stephen Guise: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25692561-how-to-be-an-imperfectionist 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Have you ever found yourself thinking about what should have happened, what someone should have said or done? 

Focusing on an alternative world where what happened didn’t happen is exhausting. While you expend energy thinking about what should be, you create more pain. There is more suffering in the denial of reality than there is in the acceptance. 

The concept of radical acceptance is a skill to tolerate distress. This important skill lets us move from blaming, tantruming and denying to problem solving what is in front of us. 

Maybe you have heard yourself say or think some of the following statements:

“If it was me, I wouldn’t have made that decision.”

“They shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why is this happening?”

“I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.”

“This should be easier for me.”

If so, the practice of radical acceptance will help you move into experiencing your life more fully, including all the challenges you face. 

How to practice radical acceptance:

Acknowledge the pain: Instead of pushing away difficult emotions, accept them. Radical acceptance requires you to fully engage in the range of emotions humans can access without trying to engage, suppress or deny them. If you are feeling anger, you might say, “I am feeling angry right now and that’s OK, it will pass.” 

Let go of judgement: It’s easy to judge yourself for feeling and to think that certain emotions or situations are “wrong.” The practice of acceptance means letting go of that judgement. Instead of believing “I shouldn’t be sad,” you would accept that sadness is part of every human experience. 

Stop resisting: As the saying goes, “shit happens.” We don’t want to accept failure, relationships ending, getting evicted, death, and other losses. And, we all know that for all of us, this is part of being human. Instead of ruminating about what should or could be, you might remind yourself, “it is what it is, there have been hundreds of decisions and experiences that have led up to this moment.” 

Self-compassion: Life is challenging enough without stewing in self-condemnation and judgement. Next time you find yourself in a challenging moment or a moment you are resisting, you can decide to offer yourself compassion. Saying to yourself, “I’m having a hard time with this and that’s OK, we all have to manage challenges in our life, I am not alone. This will pass and for now, it’s OK that I’m struggling.” 

Focus on the present: Your brain might default to ruminating about the past or predicting the future. Radical acceptance encourages us to focus on the here and now because we can’t change the past and we cannot predict the future. When you find your mind moving into the past or future, catch it and come back to the present – feeling your feet on the floor, your butt in your chair or the breath moving in and out of your body. 

Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t necessarily solve your problems, but it does change your relationship to them. Instead of struggling against your problems, acceptance allows you to find clarity and move with the problem instead of resisting it. 

Radical acceptance is, well…. Radical. It goes against the default of denying, ruminating, controlling and avoiding. It’s also a skill that can be, in practice, life changing. You can change your life if you want to, the first step might be this practice. 

You don’t have to do this work alone, if you’re thinking of trying therapy, connect with us at co*****@*************an.com or read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

If you are a caregiver, you may experience this role as incredibly rewarding at times and it can feel incredibly overwhelming. Caring for a loved one who is dependent on you in some way or form requires an incredible amount of energy, patience and compassion. It’s easy to put your own needs as secondary or nonexistent. “Do I have needs?” Does this resonate with you? You do have needs and they are important and taking care of yourself is not a luxury- it is essential for your well-being and will serve as fuel to keep you caring for your loved ones. Here are some ways you can take care of yourself:

Learning to set boundaries as a caregiver is going to help you in the biggest way possible. You may feel responsible. For everything. But it’s important to know your limits and once you are honest with yourself and accepting of these limits (yes, you are not superhuman), setting boundaries is crucial. It’s OK to say NO and ask for help so that you can prioritize your own needs.

Although it may not always be easy to take breaks as you get caught up in the constant demands of a caregiver, taking regular breaks is essential. If you are able to get some fresh air by stepping outside the front door or opening a window, deep breathing can recharge your mental and physical energy. Even if it’s 3 mins, a break will give you a chance to reset and it’s good practice to pause and breathe.

You do not have to do this alone. Find your community & support networks. There are many support caregiver groups and receiving support from family or friends will go a long way. Connecting with people who understand what you are experiencing helps in feeling less isolated and alone as a caregiver. It’s helpful to hear of other experiences, concerns, learning new coping strategies and the emotional support felt in these groups can feel like a breath of fresh air.

Exercise and Nourish your body. Exercise regularly if you can and this means body movement, not spending an hour in a gym (unless you can and want to of course) but movement of body helps to reduce stress and boost your overall mood. It can also help you feel more energised which you need to manage your caregiving duties. What you put into your body will also matter. The food you eat serves as fuel and eating well-balanced meals will improve your overall mental health, energy levels and mood. You can seek support in meal prep, asking family or friends or food service resources (meal deliveries), if this is an option for you.

Seeking Respite care is not always easy to do as you may worry if your loved one is being cared for properly. Through a professional caregiver or a trusted family member or friend, it is important that you weigh your options so that you do not burn out as a caregiver. Even for a short while, a few hours or days, this will help you feel recharged.

Don’t forget yourself and what you love to do. Losing sight of what your interests are and what excites you happens when you are caring for someone else. Taking the time to experience joy in what you love to do is essential. It will remind you of all the other facets of you outside your role as caregiver that are equally important. This can help you feel grounded in your entire identity, not just the one.

Self-compassion: offer yourself the same compassion you offer your loved one. Guilt, frustration, overwhelm and even despair are some emotions that are often felt. You are doing the best you can. Caregiving is hard and perfection is not the goal. It’s so important that you offer yourself compassion and acknowledge your efforts. So less self-judgment and more self-compassion.

Speak to a therapist if you feel that your caregiver responsibilities are impacting your mental health. Having a safe space to talk about your experience and all your emotions without judgment is invaluable. Learn coping strategies and receive emotional support. Remember if you are not well, your loved one will not be well.

Being a caregiver is hard and thank you for what you do everyday. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but a necessity because of the role you play in someone else’s life. Taking care of yourself will ensure that you are in better form to take care of your loved one without entirely sacrificing your health and well-being. You can actually be a strong and present caregiver if you prioritise self-care. Remember to seek support so you also feel cared for, and this starts with you taking care of you first.

If you are ready to reach out for support from one of our therapists, please visit our website www.relearninghuman.com

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Stress: acceptance and understanding

Feeling stressed? Me too! As humans, we all feel stress. ¼ of Canadians report feeling “quite a bit” to “extremely” stressed and that’s the problem. The problem is that we don’t know how to manage our stress hormones when they start firing off. 

While you can’t change the external situations that cause stress, you can learn how to manage and work with it. Understanding what stress is and how we experience it, is an important first step in accepting and working with stress. Stress is our body’s vital warning system that activates our hard-wired fight-or-flight response. When the brain perceives some kind of external stress, it floods the body with hormones like epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol and can cause a wide variety of physiological symptoms. 

While the symptoms associated with stress can feel uncomfortable, it is our friendly evolutionary trait that is trying desperately to help us navigate life’s hurdles. Since we have limited control over what our brain perceives as stressful, we have to work with it instead of avoiding it, surprising it or trying to control it. 

Declare a truce with your body and the stress that is a part of our innate wiring. Take this theory of acceptance and put it into play. By following these steps, you will support yourself responding differently to the external stressors that will inevitably happen in your life.

Grab a pen and paper, you’re going to want to take notes:

STEP 1 – Get to know your stress:

In order to make stress work for you, you have to learn what stress feels like in your body so you can become aware of it and manage it in a different way. Think back to a time where your work deadlines were looming, you were feeling sick, your colleague was on vacation and you were left to manage both workloads alone. How did you feel physically and mentally?  What does your body feel like as you think back to this stressful situation? How did your body tell you that you’re stressed? Common physiological cues are:

Perspiration

Pounding heart 

Trembling hands

Racing thoughts

Tension in shoulders and neck

Nausea, upset stomach and diarrhea

Shortness of breath

For whatever reason, your brain acknowledged the events you just thought of and released stress hormones to help you meet this perceived challenge. We can’t control what our brain sees as a challenge, we can just accept and manage it. By tuning into your body, noting the symptoms of stress, you can make stress help you rise to the occasion instead of having it rule your life. 

STEP 2 –  Calm your body:

The problem with stress is that it inadvertently causes our mind to race through other pretty uncomfortable symptoms. Calm your body and brain down by using diaphragmatic breathing. Sometimes known as “belly breathing,” diaphragmatic breathing lowers effects of cortisol (the stress hormone) on your body, lowers your heart rate and blood pressure. 

This practice will help you calm your body down when you notice symptoms of stress: 

1. Sit comfortably, with your knees bent and your shoulders, head and neck in a relaxed position. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach.  
2. Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out against your hand. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
3. Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage, on your stomach. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
4. Tighten your stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.
5. When you notice symptoms of stress in your body, use diaphragmatic breathing to help your nervous system deactivate and support your body in calming down. 

Practice diaphragmatic breathing for one minute a few times per week (this can help you get to sleep too!). I recommend setting an alarm to remind yourself to get your practice in and because your breath is always with you, you can practice anywhere! 

Want more mindfulness exercises? ReLearning Human has your back! Check out more here.

STEP 3 – Take a look at your stress thoughts, perspectives and predictions: 

Through my work as a social worker and psychotherapist (and as a human who has stress just like you), I have noticed patterns of thoughts that I label ‘stress thoughts.’ These thoughts align with hopelessness, helplessness and are generally catastrophic. 

Think of thoughts as the blueprint created through both conscious and unconscious interpretations of our lifetime of experiences. Here are a few examples of what stress thoughts sound like:  

“I can’t do this” 

“I can’t cope”

“This is unfair”

“This is impossible”

“I don’t have time” 

“I’m not going to make it”

If you’re having these thoughts, don’t despair! We all have them and they aren’t always helpful, are they?

Cognitive restructuring is a technique found in cognitive behavioral therapy and is a useful tool in reframing and shifting thought processes. Learning this key skill will help you to be aware of and challenge untrue, unrealistic or distorted thoughts known as cognitive distortions (or unhelpful thinking habits such as all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, predicting the future and many others). 

Pause when you notice stress in your body, remind yourself that stress is a completely normal human experience (and how you know for sure that you are not a robot!). Calm down your body using diagrammatic breathing and take a look at what’s going through your mind.  Once you pinpoint the external event or situation that has caused your body to activate its stress hormones, don’t react automatically. 

Keep breathing and ask yourself the following questions about your stress: 

• What am I reacting to?  
• What is it that I think is going to happen here? 
• In all the times I have thought X, did it ever come to fruition?
• What’s the worst (and best) that could happen? What’s most likely to happen? 
• How is thinking this way helping me?
• How important is this really? How important will it be in 6 month’s time? In 1 year?
• Am I overestimating the threat? 
• Am I underestimating my ability to cope? 
• Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking? 
• Is there another way of looking at this?
• What advice would I give someone else in this situation? 
• How can I slow this down a bit? 
• How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control? 
• What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to
  control? 
• What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do? 
• Is there another way of dealing with this? 
• What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)
  

Cognitive restructuring can be a powerful technique for understanding and working with your stress thoughts. Remember, you cannot control every situation or person, but you can shift your perspective. This is your superpower. If you can reframe your perception of stress, then you can change your overall neuro-wiring and truly change your life.  

Like most things, PRACTICE is instrumental in re-training your brain to manage stress differently. Practice each step individually during times of lower stress so you can access these new tools in moments of higher stress.

Takeaways and key learnings:

• Accept that stress is part of life and that we all experience various levels of stress most days. 
• Get to know yourself! Learn about how stress resonates in your body by tuning into your physiological cues. 
• Learn how to manage any uncomfortable symptoms that stress creates. 
• Don’t buy into your thoughts – just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

While we all experience stress, we do have the power in learning to manage it. If you want to connect with us, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amiralt, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human