Relationships

Did the title make you feel uncomfortable, or did it intrigue you? Or both? Your initial reaction might be linked to your learnings and experiences around the act of sex, sexuality and sensuality. What do you think about sex? Do you enjoy sex? Are you able to talk openly about sex and your sexual experiences? OR does thinking about sex bring up feelings like embarrassment, disgust, fear? If so, you are not alone and you may be struggling with sexual shame.

Sex shame can look and feel very different for each of us. If you grew up in a household where the tv channel was switched because a sex scene was on the screen like I did, the likelihood of feeling anything but uncomfortable is unavoidable. The message absorbed is that sex is dirty, taboo, and if you can’t watch it, you surely should not be “doing it.” It’s shameful.

A simplified way of defining sexual shame is the sense or a feeling that something is inherently wrong or bad in you and anything remotely revolving around sex. You may feel this about the way your genitals look, the shape or size of your body, sexual fantasies, desires, who you are sexually attracted to or any kinks that you may have, and so on.

So where have you learned sexual shame?

These learnings are not isolated to our family homes. Some of our culture or religious beliefs contribute to our sexual shame. We may not be aware of it or not want to believe it does have an influence, but it does. Some of the teachings around sex say that it is sinful, particularly outside of the construct of marriage (and you are having sex outside of marriage), or that sexuality as a whole is bad or dirty. This can instill feelings of guilt around normal, natural, sexual thoughts and behaviors.

What did we learn about our bodies growing up? From a young age we are bombarded with false messages about what our bodies should look like and how we should behave. Absorbing and believing these messages can lead to body shame. Body shame is closely tied to sexual shame. The media doesn’t help either. As we know, it often promotes constricted standards of beauty and what is sexy. Although we’ve made some strides in the past ten years or so, we still have a way to go. These messages formulate an unrealistic idea around sex and what is acceptable or not that can leave us feeling guilt (what I’m doing is bad) and shame (I am bad).

On a heavier note, individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse may have internalized feelings of shame around their sexuality, associating sexual experiences with disgust, pain, fear or violence.

How is sex shame showing up in your life?

There are so many consequences of sexual shame that we may not be aware of. Here are some of the experiences you may have or are encountering in your life. Sex shame can lead to sexual dysfunction such as lack of desire, inability to orgasm, inability to have penetration or full penetration (i.e.: vaginismus) without pain, difficulty with arousal, and so on. You may experience low self-esteem due to feelings of shame around your sexuality, often increasing levels of anxiety and depression. Shame around sex can often build walls in your romantic relationships prohibiting honest communication, misunderstanding and leaving partners feeling inadequate and dissatisfied. Not to mention even more isolated in their shame. You’re also most likely not able to experience full pleasure. Shame can make it difficult to fully enjoy sex, to evoke a sense of curiosity and explore your sexual desires in a safe way.

How can you reclaim your sexuality without shame? (Or at least try to)

It is possible to relearn your relationship with sex and your sexuality. Here are some things that might help:

Therapy: Talk to a trained professional. Someone that is able to hold a safe space for you without judgment. Your experiences and how you feel about sex are valid and talking to a therapist can support your need to be heard and validated. Learning ways in which to understand your shame can help you learn how to release it.

Consensual safe sexual practices: Sexual practices established around consent and respect will support transparent communication. Being able to share your needs and desires will increase chances of building positive experiences around sex and reducing shame.

Challenge your beliefs (a repetitive narrative doesn’t make it true): Check in with yourself and your beliefs around sex and your sexuality. Are these your beliefs? Are emotions such as guilt and fear motivating factors? Do these beliefs support your authentic self?

Educate yourself (SEX 101): You may need to go back to the drawing board. (I’m remembering the 50 mins of sex education class). It might be helpful to relearn about sex, sexual consent, sexual/reproductive organs, anatomy, etc. This may help debunk all that we think we know about sex or have learned about sex, what we should or should not be doing sexually and, more importantly, how to or not to feel. Learning that sex is natural and some of it not so sexy may help shed some of the shame wrapped up in these learnings.

Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself while working through shame will be necessary. Your sexuality is unique, no need to compare it to others and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to work through your shame. Go at your own pace and what feels safe to you.

If you haven’t been able to label your sexual shame until now and wish to work on challenging and creating a new narrative around your ideas around sex, sexuality and sensuality, first and foremost, be kind to yourself during this process. It will require self-reflection, open communication, and a shift in your mindset. Healing from sexual shame is a brave and powerful step towards living an authentic life, having deeper and meaningful connections and cultivating a sense of empowerment and love for yourself. Reminder, you don’t have to do this on your own.

Please reach out to our team of therapists for support at co*****@re*************.com and you can check out ReLearning Human’s very own sex therapist Kehinde Ekpudu’s bio here.

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Shameless SEXuality.

The Self

Ever wonder why you decided to get married or why you want to get married? I wonder how many of us ask ourselves these questions? What I’ve come to learn as a couples’ therapist is, it is often our fundamental belief system (our values and conditioning) that are different, and this is OK. What doesn’t work however, is when two people choose to come together and build a life with the hope or expectation that these two differing belief systems should automatically join forces, without any clash and be the start of a harmonious and easy marriage. This is never the case. This hope or expectation and conviction to one’s own belief system is often the catalyst for conflict in relationships. The statement that is often expressed by couples is that “We just don’t get along.” “We don’t understand each other.” “We are just so different.” Yes, of course you are. You are two separate entities that are coming together with a misconception and belief system that differences will work themselves out miraculously. A further unrealistic belief, that the other partner will or should adjust, conform with full acceptance in the name of love. This can happen and does happen, often at the cost of the conforming partner feeling a tremendous loss of their identity. Sound familiar? If yes, you are not alone.

Asking these following questions can mitigate or at least soften some of the conflict and challenges when you do decide to tie the knot. If anything, exploring and being curious about marriage and what it means will help you better understand your own belief system along with your partners. Hopefully this can help eliminate the not so pleasant surprises down your path of marriage.

1) What kind of wedding do you want? (yes, this is important, and it is one day) More important question to ask: what are your intentions as a couple?

It’s wonderful to have a beautiful, picturesque wedding, having your loved ones there to celebrate your union. Having your values and your intentions as a couple being reflected on your wedding day is equally important.

2) Why is it important for you to get married?

Is time ticking? Are you feeling societal pressures? Want companionship? Having clarity over your intentions helps you make sound and responsive decisions rather than reactive ones. Asking this question can help you understand your partner and whether your intentions for marriage are aligned.

3) What are your expectations for marriage?

What is your idea of marriage? How do you see your marriage unfold? This may look very different from the expectations of your partner and that of families. Asking this question can help distinguish your true wants and desires separate from others. It also provides an opportunity for you and your partner to acknowledge these external pressures and navigate them together.

4) How will you face life’s stressors in your marriage?

Marriage is something new and always changing. When there is any kind of change, there is loss. By acknowledging and normalizing this loss within and between, a beautiful change can help soften the grief experienced. It can bring empathy and understanding into your conversations as to the ways in which you have dealt with challenges in your life as an individual and now, how to face some life challenges as a couple.

5) How will you protect your own individuality in your togetherness?

This is part of the grief that is often experienced. When we get married, it feels sometimes impossible to protect and hold on to our own individual selves. It can often feel like an internal battle and more often show up in conflict with our partners. There is often a sense of push and pull in marriage. Having the discussion about a sense of self, individual hobbies and interests and your own personal growth is not only helpful, but necessary to maintain a long-lasting relationship.

6) What’s your vision and commitment to your future together?

Asking these two questions will help you understand if your idea of marriage and commitment to the marriage are aligned. Marriage is work. It’s the commitment to the work, process and your journey together that counts.

Take the time to ask yourself why you want to get married or why you did get married? These questions and the experiences in answering them can have a tremendous impact on your marriage and its longevity. Awareness of ourselves, our wants, desires and needs start with self-reflection. Followed by communicating these thoughts and feelings to our partners in hopes to create a stronger bond. The “why’s” aren’t always important to figure out, but when it comes to marriage it helps to understand the motivations behind “the act of love.” Loving each other is beautiful. However, understanding and accepting each other is the key ingredient to a forever ever.

Read more about relationships here.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

“You’re getting married-Congratulations! Why?”.

Relationships

No one ever really tells us how much work relationships are. The kind that you want anyway or think you should have. Do you agree that Disney f*cked us over? OK I’m already getting off track. We fantasize so much about how our relationships “should” be rather than putting the effort into them. Why would we if we don’t think we need to. We think that if someone loves us and has made a commitment to us then things “should” just work, right? Well no. Relationships require more than love and commitment to work. One tool that we can all start to use in our relationships is curiosity.

Here is how and what can happen when you practice being curious in your relationship.

When you show interest in your partner, as in genuine interest, it creates a safe space to open up honest communication. Being curious about your partner can be translated to… “You are important to me.” “Your thoughts and feelings are important to me.” “I want to know you better.” This deepens emotional intimacy and if that’s not hot, I’m not sure what is.

Working with couples I often hear, “there is no spark.” “We love each other deeply, but the passion is gone.” Being curious about each other NOW can introduce spontaneity back into what can often feel like a boring, mundane routined kind of relationship. We are consistently without a doubt evolving as human beings. Exploring each other’s interests, learning a new activity together, sharing sexual fantasies and desires can help reignite your spark and deepen connection.

Approaching conflict and challenges in your relationship with curiosity can transform them into opportunities for learning and growth. When we engage with genuine curiosity, what we are saying is “I care for you.” “I see you are hurting.” “I want to understand you.” Empathy connects us as human beings. It softens conflict and introduces compassion in heated moments (THIS IS NOT EASY TO DO). Feeling as though you and your partner are on the same team can truly nurture a felt sense of connection.

Being curious about how your partner copes and manages their own stressors can help build resilience in your couplehood. When we understand our partners’ experiences and learned coping styles in managing stress/or not (this in itself can be stressful) we are able to work through challenges more effectively. When we feel seen, heard, accepted even at our worst, we are able to feel calmer quicker (co-regulation) when we know we are not in it alone.

Feel ready to be curious about your partner? If yes, give some of these curious questions a go. (If possible, be present. How is your partner responding? Be curious around your own thoughts, feelings and responses).

Hey ______(insert whatever word used to address your partner)

What did you feel good about today?

Did you dream last night? What did you dream about?

What’s your favorite color today?

Did you laugh today? About what?

What made you cry today?

What were you afraid of today?

What stresses you out the most?

Did anything excite you today? Or what have you felt excited about lately?

Again, relationships require work. And don’t hold me accountable if you are practicing curiosity and your relationship is still falling apart. It is one excellent tool and the work consists of implementing many more tools. If you are still a believer in a “happily ever after,” good for you! It can and does exist. Only this time it will require some unlearning and relearning about true, realistic, deep human connection. When you feel ready, check out our online therapy services (including couples therapy). Visit our trained therapists’ bios who are truly curious about your relationship and ready to support you through it.

https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team

*Happily ever not guaranteed, but a safe space is.

To continue to be curious about current or future relationship reads, visit https://relearninghuman.com/2024/08/23/basic-but-not-so-simple-8-revealing-questions-to-ask-yourself-about-relationships/

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist (Individuals & Couples Therapist) & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Be curious. It can save your relationship.

Relationships

There is a hype of the “how to’s, when to’s, who to’s, how many to’s” in the wild world of dating and romantic relationships. Whether you are looking for the “right” person (I’m sorry if you still think this is a thing), or you have been with who you thought was the right person and are still questioning it after 15 years of togetherness, then continue reading. You are exactly where you need to be.

You are one of the many humans out there who are trying to figure out this “love thing” or maybe not even love as the way we have been conditioned to think about it, but maybe the “companionship” thing. Can it be that they are the same thing? Maybe one just sounds sexier than the other.

As human beings we are all seeking a sense of belonging and companionship. Makes sense right? To want company, to want to belong. To want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We are wired to seek this out, however we may be complicating our need for belonging more than we need to. We tend to do this as humans, don’t we? I’m not simplifying the complexities of a romantic relationship by any means. I can’t even, even if I tried. Romantic relationships are a beast, a chaotic and beautiful ecosystem in their own right.

Truth is, as adults we do not allow ourselves (because most of us have learnt that it is unsafe) to be vulnerable with our feelings. Whether it be on our first dates, or with our partner of 20 years who has commandeered the right side of the couch.

Some reasons that often prevent us from sharing and being our authentic selves and expressing our feelings is nestled in how we have learned to perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. These views are created by our earlier relational bonds. How we were loved, cared for, learnt about safety or feeling unsafe as a child, etc. From these learnings, most of us hold on tight to our shame, insecurities, pain, trauma that on the surface may look like resentment, anger, frustration of wanting something else perhaps or wanting to be someone we are not. Or the classic one, wanting our partners to be someone they are clearly not.

These views of ourselves can get in the way of being ourselves, our true selves and as a result, blocking the possibility of feeling connected in any relationship. So maybe we need to get back to the basics. Here are some very basic, very hard, very important, and maybe helpful questions that can get you started on figuring out what you want in a relationship (the one with yourself too) and/or what’s blocking you from being in one or jumping out of one.

What does your blueprint of a relationship look like?

Who’s your role model for a healthy relationship? Do you have one?

What are you looking for in a partner? Why?

What are you willing to contribute in a relationship and offer to your partner? (Yes this is required of you.)

What do you feel in your body when you are close to your partner?

Are your core values aligned? Do you know what yours are? Do you know theirs?

(Yes you can ask this on your first date. What do you have to lose?)

Are you willing to put your ego aside? (There is no room for ego in a relationship if you want it to work.)

If not, what’s stopping you?

Are you expressing your needs and wants? (No, your partner cannot read your mind, I don’t care how long you have been together!)

Relationships are so complex, and the one with ourselves is probably the most complex. Have you been able to answer these basic questions honestly? I commend you for even trying to answer them and if you had some difficulty in answering honestly, it’s OK. No one is judging you but yourself. If you are wondering why it was difficult for you, curious to learn more about yourself, the way you show up in relationships or why you’re not in one, you can reach out with our therapists at ReLearning Human (https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team) who can help facilitate a deeper dialogue with you. To hold a safe space for you so you can start to answer some of these questions, honestly. It’s hard, but not impossible. Maybe basic but not so simple and if you are still reading, it’s possibly because you’re wanting some kind of change in your life? Maybe you’re ready to take a chance, take care of your mental health to help you get back to some real connections.

Oh and a little nugget of hope there may be the “right enough” person out there 😉

Authored by: Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Individual & Couples Therapist and Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Basic but not so simple: 8 revealing questions to ask yourself about relationships.

Relationships

The world of psychotherapy has expanded expediently in the past couple of years with emerging new therapists and their private practices. Addressing mental health and ensuring that there are sufficient resources available for the public is crucial. However there remains question and concern of therapists and their practice or lack thereof with boundary setting. What am I basing this on? I have had clients share their experiences of previous therapists disclosing their own personal challenges in sessions. Some therapists crying longer and louder and clients leave their sessions feeling like they need to hold space for their therapist rather than the other way around. It does happen, it is happening and can be an incredibly harmful experience for clients. It is necessary to explore, discuss and understand the importance of boundary setting between a therapist and their client. It appears as to what may have been an obvious practice in the therapy world once upon a time may not be the case today.

Boundaries are important in creating a secure, safe and healthy client-therapist relationship. They are crucial for establishing a professional and ethical space in which therapy can take place. Only with strong boundaries we allow clients to be vulnerable and able to explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences without fearing judgment. These are the building blocks of a true therapeutic relationship.

It is the therapist’s responsibility to create the boundaries.

To give you an example the following are what boundaries may look like

Confidentiality: Your therapist’s role is to uphold strict confidentiality to protect your privacy. They are not to disclose any personal information about their clients and sessions without consent. There is an exception to this rule when there are specific legal or ethical situations where a disclosure is mandated (i.e. – harm to self or others).

Emotional boundaries: Your therapist can empathise, nurture, support and co create a secure attachment with you without becoming personally involved or emotionally dependent. The balance between being supportive and maintaining objectivity is key.

Physical boundaries: Your therapist respects your physical space, asks if physical touch is ok (i.e.- hand on knee for comfort or a reach to touch your arm, handshake, hug or even touch during a guided/relaxation meditation). When appropriate and foremost consensual, this can support the therapeutic process. However physical contact is generally limited in a therapy session.

Financial: Your therapist has provided you with transparent information around the fees, cancellation and late fee policy. Your therapist might be understanding of a one off event with late payment or last-minute cancellation (hey life happens right) but appropriately addresses this with you if it starts to become a pattern.

You have a right to a boundaried therapist

Ideally, your therapist should be receiving training and supervision to ensure they uphold these boundaries effectively throughout their practice. You have a right to a boundaried therapist so your mental health and therapy journey can feel safe, secure and fully supported. If this is your first time in therapy or your tenth time giving it a go, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to learn and experience a healthy, caring, supportive and boundary-ed relationship. This learning can sometimes feel like your new blueprint for relationships. It can extend into other relationships and model what healthy boundaries can look like, and more importantly, feel like. By addressing boundary issues directly, you can ensure that your therapy journey is supportive of your mental health goals.

Some tips for you if your therapist is unboundaried

Think it over: Reflect on the event or therapist behaviours that concerns you. Has there been a violation, inappropriate or discomfort with therapists’ personal disclosures, etc.? What is your gut feeling?

Talk it out: You can discuss your concerns directly with your therapist. Although this may feel daunting, it is important to express how you perceive the boundary issue and what you are uncomfortable with. You can do this calmly and respectfully.

Clarity: This may be a misunderstanding. Seeking clarification from your therapist about their boundaries, the therapeutic frame and their approach will help if there has been a misstep in communication, etc.

The response: A professional therapist will be open to discussing your concerns and any issues that arise. They will take your concerns seriously and work towards repairing any injury within the therapeutic relationship and in rebuilding the professional relationship.

Reporting ethical concerns: If you feel that there are ethical violations you may consider reporting them to their licensing board or professional association. These organizations have support in place to address ethical complaints and ensure accountability.

Don’t give up hope! Seek out another therapist: It would be discerning and may dissuade you from seeking out another therapist. Please don’t give up and continue to prioritize your mental health and well being by seeking out support from another therapist.

Therapists are human too, we have feelings, common lived experiences with our clients often mirroring our own fears, judgments, shame, joy, excitement, happiness, etc. However, there is a power imbalance between client and therapist leaving no room and opportunity to become friends. Setting boundaries with clients means we are conducting ourselves in a professional and ethical manner, protecting our clients interests and establishing trust. Boundaries also help in preventing dependence which allows clients to feel empowered, grow and develop skills to live healthier lives.

If you are searching for a safe space in therapy, you can find an ethically sound and boundaried therapist at Relearning Human. Connect with us @relearninghuman.com

Authored: Kavita Patel RSW and co-founder of ReLearning Human

Your therapist is not your friend. Why boundaries are important in a client-therapist relationship.

Relationships

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Relationships

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Relationships

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Do the work

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