The Self

Perfect doesn’t exist — it can be a painful sentence to hear and I’m sorry if it seems harsh, but it’s true. It can be especially difficult to come to terms with when it feels like we’ve been wired to be perfect all of the time. I get it, I really do, but it’s exhausting, right? The need to overachieve, sometimes overworking to reach high standards we set for ourselves, still not being happy with the outcome, and then the cycle repeats.  

While perfect doesn’t exist, perfectionism does, and this separate entity can feel really heavy at times. So why don’t we start with defining exactly what perfectionism is. Perfectionism is the tendency to create high standards of what may be deemed “perfect.” These high standards we set out for ourselves, may often lead to being hyper-critical of choices and what we’ve done. And this can find its way into various parts of our lives — if you’re not exactly sure how, think of aiming to get 100% on a test, but also applying this mindset to work, different relationships, social interactions, etc.

Perfectionism can be a bit of a downward spiral that we get trapped in, as a result, perfectionism can lead to different experiences, such as:

• An increase in anxiety and depression
• Higher levels of self-doubt and lower self-esteem
• Being overly critical of ourselves
• A decrease in productivity
• Not feeling like you’re living in the present because of overthinking about the past and what may be perceived as mistakes, as well as being worried about the future and the ability to perform
• An impact in functioning when perfect standards aren’t met 
• And overall, potentially spiralling into nothing ever feeling good enough

It can be helpful to explore where perfectionism stems from. This can help to quiet the anxieties around the need to be perfect all the time, especially when we realize that more often than not, the voice of “perfect” wasn’t originally ours to begin with. Perfectionism comes from the way we are conditioned — some of our earliest experiences are defined by the way we perform and that perpetuates into various stages of our lives. Because of this, it can be difficult to distance ourselves from these standards when so many facets of life can seem dependent on it, even when we aren’t fully conscious of it happening. But it is not impossible, no matter how daunting it can seem at times.

So how can we work with the desire to be perfect and lean toward acceptance? There are a few steps we can take:

• First, acknowledging that perfect doesn’t exist is a big step. We are all human and that means it gets messy and imperfect, and that’s okay.
• Remember, that when we make mistakes, it’s not a reflection of who we are or what we are capable of, it’s just a mistake. And mistakes are okay to make. 
• Understanding that it is hard to break out of this mindset; it’s all a process, sometimes it will be easier and other times it will be harder.
• Work through the stress associated with perfectionism — for instance, through journaling (not sure where to start or experiencing writer’s block? Start with this worksheet here).
• As well, perfectionism can be associated with fear of failure or other fears we experience. If this sounds familiar, it might be helpful to explore the fear and work toward facing it. You can learn about facing your fears here and try this worksheet here.
• Finally, one way to work on accepting that being perfect doesn’t exist could be to do something outside of your comfort zone that requires a little bit of practice. By doing this, you’re taking something where the perceived risk is small and working with it to overcome the need to be perfect in whatever it is that you’re doing. In my case, I decided I wanted to learn to crochet. And while I started with some basic tutorials, I still managed to make many funny mistakes along the way. Even now, I will sometimes look at a project and have a moment where I know that I haven’t followed a pattern correctly, but I choose to laugh at it and accept the imperfection. 

While it can feel overwhelming at times, there are ways to move through perfectionism rather than be run by it. Want support with this? Reach out to us at co*****@*************an.com.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Did the title make you feel uncomfortable, or did it intrigue you? Or both? Your initial reaction might be linked to your learnings and experiences around the act of sex, sexuality and sensuality. What do you think about sex? Do you enjoy sex? Are you able to talk openly about sex and your sexual experiences? OR does thinking about sex bring up feelings like embarrassment, disgust, fear? If so, you are not alone and you may be struggling with sexual shame.

Sex shame can look and feel very different for each of us. If you grew up in a household where the tv channel was switched because a sex scene was on the screen like I did, the likelihood of feeling anything but uncomfortable is unavoidable. The message absorbed is that sex is dirty, taboo, and if you can’t watch it, you surely should not be “doing it.” It’s shameful.  

A simplified way of defining sexual shame is the sense or a feeling that something is inherently wrong or bad in you and anything remotely revolving around sex. You may feel this about the way your genitals look, the shape or size of your body, sexual fantasies, desires, who you are sexually attracted to or any kinks that you may have, and so on.

 So where have you learned sexual shame?

These learnings are not isolated to our family homes. Some of our culture or religious beliefs contribute to our sexual shame. We may not be aware of it or not want to believe it does have an influence, but it does. Some of the teachings around sex say that it is sinful, particularly outside of the construct of marriage (and you are having sex outside of marriage), or that sexuality as a whole is bad or dirty. This can instill feelings of guilt around normal, natural, sexual thoughts and behaviors.

What did we learn about our bodies growing up? From a young age we are bombarded with false messages about what our bodies should look like and how we should behave. Absorbing and believing these messages can lead to body shame. Body shame is closely tied to sexual shame. The media doesn’t help either. As we know, it often promotes constricted standards of beauty and what is sexy. Although we’ve made some strides in the past ten years or so, we still have a way to go. These messages formulate an unrealistic idea around sex and what is acceptable or not that can leave us feeling guilt (what I’m doing is bad) and shame (I am bad).

On a heavier note, individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse may have internalized feelings of shame around their sexuality, associating sexual experiences with disgust, pain, fear or violence.

 How is sex shame showing up in your life?

There are so many consequences of sexual shame that we may not be aware of. Here are some of the experiences you may have or are encountering in your life. Sex shame can lead to sexual dysfunction such as lack of desire, inability to orgasm, inability to have penetration or full penetration (i.e.: vaginismus) without pain, difficulty with arousal, and so on. You may experience low self-esteem due to feelings of shame around your sexuality, often increasing levels of anxiety and depression. Shame around sex can often build walls in your romantic relationships prohibiting honest communication, misunderstanding and leaving partners feeling inadequate and dissatisfied. Not to mention even more isolated in their shame. You’re also most likely not able to experience full pleasure. Shame can make it difficult to fully enjoy sex, to evoke a sense of curiosity and explore your sexual desires in a safe way.

How can you reclaim your sexuality without shame? (Or at least try to)

It is possible to relearn your relationship with sex and your sexuality. Here are some things that might help:

Therapy: Talk to a trained professional. Someone that is able to hold a safe space for you without judgment. Your experiences and how you feel about sex are valid and talking to a therapist can support your need to be heard and validated. Learning ways in which to understand your shame can help you learn how to release it.

Consensual safe sexual practices: Sexual practices established around consent and respect will support transparent communication. Being able to share your needs and desires will increase chances of building positive experiences around sex and reducing shame.

Challenge your beliefs (a repetitive narrative doesn’t make it true): Check in with yourself and your beliefs around sex and your sexuality. Are these your beliefs? Are emotions such as guilt and fear motivating factors? Do these beliefs support your authentic self?

Educate yourself (SEX 101): You may need to go back to the drawing board. (I’m remembering the 50 mins of sex education class). It might be helpful to relearn about sex, sexual consent, sexual/reproductive organs, anatomy, etc. This may help debunk all that we think we know about sex or have learned about sex, what we should or should not be doing sexually and, more importantly, how to or not to feel. Learning that sex is natural and some of it not so sexy may help shed some of the shame wrapped up in these learnings.

Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself while working through shame will be necessary. Your sexuality is unique, no need to compare it to others and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to work through your shame. Go at your own pace and what feels safe to you.

If you haven’t been able to label your sexual shame until now and wish to work on challenging and creating a new narrative around your ideas around sex, sexuality and sensuality, first and foremost, be kind to yourself during this process. It will require self-reflection, open communication, and a shift in your mindset. Healing from sexual shame is a brave and powerful step towards living an authentic life, having deeper and meaningful connections and cultivating a sense of empowerment and love for yourself. Reminder, you don’t have to do this on your own.

Please reach out to our team of therapists for support at co*****@*************an.com and you can check out ReLearning Human’s very own sex therapist Kehinde Ekpudu’s bio here. 

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

What is dissociation?

On the most basic human level, disassociation is the process in which we separate and detach from our sense of reality – our thoughts, emotions, body sensations and identity. This experience can manifest in many ways and might include:

Gaps in memory and memory loss

Seeing yourself as separate and/or detached from your body 

Feeling emotionally numb

A sense of mental fogginess or strangeness in relation to your external world

Think about disassociation as if you are a step away from your reality, like you are watching a movie of your life instead of being part of it. When you watch a movie, you are watching scenes unfold on the screen – people laughing, beautiful skies, challenging moments – and you are separated from what is happening. You can see emotions, situations and experiences, but they don’t sink in or feel like they belong to you. It is as if the experiences belong to someone else and they are not part of your story. When our reality feels distant from us, when we aren’t fully present and engaged in the experience, we are likely disassociating. 

Disassociation is one of the bodies coping mechanisms that, based on accessibility of our resources, helps us manage overwhelming life experiences. If the experience overwhelms your resources, the likelihood is another coping strategy will be deployed. 

Sky divers who dive solo take a number of classes, participate in tandem dives, understand procedures and parachute mechanisms AND there is another safety mechanism in their shoot that will deploy if the diver cannot access their other resources when they need them. This emergency mechanism is kind of like the brain’s hardwired resource of disassociation; an emergency plan that is accessible when the other brain’s mechanism cannot or will not deploy.

Judgment universally makes our experience worse so, first and foremost, acceptance of the brain’s hardwired mechanism of disassociation. 

Recognizing triggers where your resources are overwhelmed is a great place to start. Are there any moments in your day where you feel like your reality is at arm’s length? This might look like day dreaming, hyper focusing on TV or a task, lost in a tunnel of rumination or other times where you are going through the motions but not actually experiencing the present moment. 

Naming what is happening without judgment: “Oops, I just left for a bit but I am back now.” When we work on developing the muscle of awareness, managing our disassociation becomes easier and easier with time. 

Manage it  – Come back to your present moment. Feel your feet on the ground, wiggle your toes. See if you can bring your awareness into your feet or hands or other place that feels comfortable in your body. Your mind might resist coming back to the present moment and that’s OK. 

Track it – knowing what might have promoted the overwhelm of the body’s resources can help us manage it in the future. For me, its sensory overwhelm. If I’m in large or noisy crowds (think IKEA on a Saturday in September) without my Loops Ear Plugs, I can be present for about 30 minutes before I start becoming irritable, ruminating, unaware of my surroundings and my brain starts to fog over. 

Remember, your body and nervous system know how to keep you safe, and safety is not always pleasant, present or comfortable. We can all work on ourselves to understand our bodies’ responses to overwhelming  life experiences.

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-founder or ReLearning Human.

Ever wonder why you decided to get married or why you want to get married? I wonder how many of us ask ourselves these questions? What I’ve come to learn as a couples’ therapist is, it is often our fundamental belief system (our values and conditioning) that are different, and this is OK. What doesn’t work however, is when two people choose to come together and build a life with the hope or expectation that these two differing belief systems should automatically join forces, without any clash and be the start of a harmonious and easy marriage. This is never the case. This hope or expectation and conviction to one’s own belief system is often the catalyst for conflict in relationships. The statement that is often expressed by couples is that “We just don’t get along.” “We don’t understand each other.” “We are just so different.” Yes, of course you are. You are two separate entities that are coming together with a misconception and belief system that differences will work themselves out miraculously. A further unrealistic belief, that the other partner will or should adjust, conform with full acceptance in the name of love. This can happen and does happen, often at the cost of the conforming partner feeling a tremendous loss of their identity. Sound familiar? If yes, you are not alone.

Asking these following questions can mitigate or at least soften some of the conflict and challenges when you do decide to tie the knot. If anything, exploring and being curious about marriage and what it means will help you better understand your own belief system along with your partners. Hopefully this can help eliminate the not so pleasant surprises down your path of marriage.

1)     What kind of wedding do you want? (yes, this is important, and it is one day) More important question to ask: what are your intentions as a couple?

It’s wonderful to have a beautiful, picturesque wedding, having your loved ones there to celebrate your union. Having your values and your intentions as a couple being reflected on your wedding day is equally important.  

2)      Why is it important for you to get married?

Is time ticking? Are you feeling societal pressures? Want companionship? Having clarity over your intentions helps you make sound and responsive decisions rather than reactive ones. Asking this question can help you understand your partner and whether your intentions for marriage are aligned.

3)      What are your expectations for marriage?

What is your idea of marriage? How do you see your marriage unfold? This may look very different from the expectations of your partner and that of families. Asking this question can help distinguish your true wants and desires separate from others. It also provides an opportunity for you and your partner to acknowledge these external pressures and navigate them together.

4)      How will you face life’s stressors in your marriage?

Marriage is something new and always changing. When there is any kind of change, there is loss. By acknowledging and normalizing this loss within and between, a beautiful change can help soften the grief experienced. It can bring empathy and understanding into your conversations as to the ways in which you have dealt with challenges in your life as an individual and now, how to face some life challenges as a couple. 

5)      How will you protect your own individuality in your togetherness?

This is part of the grief that is often experienced. When we get married, it feels sometimes impossible to protect and hold on to our own individual selves. It can often feel like an internal battle and more often show up in conflict with our partners. There is often a sense of push and pull in marriage. Having the discussion about a sense of self, individual hobbies and interests and your own personal growth is not only helpful, but necessary to maintain a long-lasting relationship.

6)       What’s your vision and commitment to your future together? 

Asking these two questions will help you understand if your idea of marriage and commitment to the marriage are aligned. Marriage is work. It’s the commitment to the work, process and your journey together that counts.

Take the time to ask yourself why you want to get married or why you did get married? These questions and the experiences in answering them can have a tremendous impact on your marriage and its longevity. Awareness of ourselves, our wants, desires and needs start with self-reflection. Followed by communicating these thoughts and feelings to our partners in hopes to create a stronger bond. The “why’s” aren’t always important to figure out, but when it comes to marriage it helps to understand the motivations behind “the act of love.” Loving each other is beautiful. However, understanding and accepting each other is the key ingredient to a forever ever.

Read more about relationships here.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

What are diagnostic labels and why do we use them?

As humans, we label ourselves to create a sense of identity and to make sense of our experience. Labels can help us understand the various facets of ourselves in relation to others and may offer a sense of belonging and community. Labels describe and simplify parts of our identity and might include personality traits, profession, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and many more. 

Diagnostic labels were created to cluster experiences in order to streamline treatment. Anxiety and Panic Disorder, Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder are all labels found in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).

Understanding how you experience the label

Diagnosis is the first step of many in managing our labels – whether the labels are lazy and anxious with ADHD or Angry Borderline with Major Depressive Disorder – we need to hone in on how we see the label or diagnosis impacting our lives. 

For the purpose of this, I’m going to use the Lazy ADHD folk as an example. If you align with a different label like the ones above, you can insert that label and look up a list of symptoms and experiences that others have noted and see which ones you align with, and which ones you don’t.

How I see the Lazy ADHD showing up in my life:

Shame (hello label of Lazy)

Perfectionism

Procrastination 

Overwhelm with larger tasks 

Interrupting conversations 

Hyperfocus 

The diagnosis or label of ADHD is not the issue. The issue is that too many people stop there because they lack the support to form a path forward to manage their labels (also the stigma, but I will leave that for another post). There might also be a sense of helplessness that comes with labels. Please understand that regardless of the label you have received from yourself or others, you can (generally) change your brain. Yes, we might need some help to make changes and there are people, places and things to unstick yourself when you are stuck.

How to move forward

Being aware of how your labels show up in your daily life and relationships is an integral step of acceptance and moving forward with the label. Once you develop a sense of understanding awareness, ask yourself the following:

• What part of the ADHD neuro-spicy brain gets in the way of me living the life I want?
• Are there parts of my brain I want to work on or change?
• What parts of my brain do I not want to change?
• What kind of support is realistic financially? Time and capacity-wise? (self-help, group support, therapy, course work, etc.)

Having a neuro-spicy brain is awesome and just like having a neurotypical brain, there are likely areas I can improve upon based on the above list, and just like neurotypicals, I likely have skill deficits I can work on. Making a list of the places you are getting stuck and what support is available to you can be a catalyst in moving forward. 

Feeling motivated to start managing your label in a different way? Email co*****@*************an.com and we will do our best to find the next step for you. 
If you want to learn more about the process of connecting with our therapists and starting therapy, read Getting Started here.

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-founder of Relearning Human.