No one ever really tells us how much work relationships are. The kind that you want anyway or think you should have. Do you agree that Disney f*cked us over? OK I’m already getting off track. We fantasize so much about how our relationships “should” be rather than putting the effort into them. Why would we if we don’t think we need to. We think that if someone loves us and has made a commitment to us then things “should” just work, right? Well no. Relationships require more than love and commitment to work. One tool that we can all start to use in our relationships is curiosity. 

Here is how and what can happen when you practice being curious in your relationship. 

When you show interest in your partner, as in genuine interest, it creates a safe space to open up honest communication. Being curious about your partner can be translated to… “You are important to me.” “Your thoughts and feelings are important to me.” “I want to know you better.” This deepens emotional intimacy and if that’s not hot, I’m not sure what is.

Working with couples I often hear, “there is no spark.” “We love each other deeply, but the passion is gone.” Being curious about each other NOW can introduce spontaneity back into what can often feel like a boring, mundane routined kind of relationship. We are consistently without a doubt evolving as human beings. Exploring each other’s interests, learning a new activity together, sharing sexual fantasies and desires can help reignite your spark and deepen connection.

Approaching conflict and challenges in your relationship with curiosity can transform them into opportunities for learning and growth. When we engage with genuine curiosity, what we are saying is “I care for you.” “I see you are hurting.” “I want to understand you.” Empathy connects us as human beings. It softens conflict and introduces compassion in heated moments (THIS IS NOT EASY TO DO). Feeling as though you and your partner are on the same team can truly nurture a felt sense of connection.

Being curious about how your partner copes and manages their own stressors can help build resilience in your couplehood. When we understand our partners’ experiences and learned coping styles in managing stress/or not (this in itself can be stressful) we are able to work through challenges more effectively. When we feel seen, heard, accepted even at our worst, we are able to feel calmer quicker (co-regulation) when we know we are not in it alone. 

Feel ready to be curious about your partner? If yes, give some of these curious questions a go. (If possible, be present. How is your partner responding? Be curious around your own thoughts, feelings and responses).

Hey ______(insert whatever word used to address your partner)

What did you feel good about today? 

Did you dream last night? What did you dream about?

What’s your favorite color today?

Did you laugh today? About what?

What made you cry today?

What were you afraid of today? 

What stresses you out the most? 

Did anything excite you today? Or what have you felt excited about lately?

Again, relationships require work. And don’t hold me accountable if you are practicing curiosity and your relationship is still falling apart. It is one excellent tool and the work consists of implementing many more tools. If you are still a believer in a “happily ever after,”  good for you! It can and does exist. Only this time it will require some unlearning and relearning about true, realistic, deep human connection. When you feel ready, check out our online therapy services (including couples therapy). Visit our trained therapists’ bios who are truly curious about your relationship and ready to support you through it.

https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team

*Happily ever not guaranteed, but a safe space is.

To continue to be curious about current or future relationship reads, visit https://relearninghuman.com/2024/08/23/basic-but-not-so-simple-8-revealing-questions-to-ask-yourself-about-relationships/ 

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist (Individuals & Couples Therapist) & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.