A dedicated space to support your journey of relearning who you are and how you are wired

The Relearning Blog

no b.s. exercises

the exposed therapist
relationships
navigating change
emotional stuff
the self

No one ever really tells us how much work relationships are. The kind that you want anyway or think you should have. Do you agree that Disney f*cked us over? OK I’m already getting off track. We fantasize so much about how our relationships “should” be rather than putting the effort into them. Why would we if we don’t think we need to. We think that if someone loves us and has made a commitment to us then things “should” just work, right? Well no. Relationships require more than love and commitment to work. One tool that we can all start to use in our relationships is curiosity. 

Here is how and what can happen when you practice being curious in your relationship. 

When you show interest in your partner, as in genuine interest, it creates a safe space to open up honest communication. Being curious about your partner can be translated to… “You are important to me.” “Your thoughts and feelings are important to me.” “I want to know you better.” This deepens emotional intimacy and if that’s not hot, I’m not sure what is.

Working with couples I often hear, “there is no spark.” “We love each other deeply, but the passion is gone.” Being curious about each other NOW can introduce spontaneity back into what can often feel like a boring, mundane routined kind of relationship. We are consistently without a doubt evolving as human beings. Exploring each other’s interests, learning a new activity together, sharing sexual fantasies and desires can help reignite your spark and deepen connection.

Approaching conflict and challenges in your relationship with curiosity can transform them into opportunities for learning and growth. When we engage with genuine curiosity, what we are saying is “I care for you.” “I see you are hurting.” “I want to understand you.” Empathy connects us as human beings. It softens conflict and introduces compassion in heated moments (THIS IS NOT EASY TO DO). Feeling as though you and your partner are on the same team can truly nurture a felt sense of connection.

Being curious about how your partner copes and manages their own stressors can help build resilience in your couplehood. When we understand our partners’ experiences and learned coping styles in managing stress/or not (this in itself can be stressful) we are able to work through challenges more effectively. When we feel seen, heard, accepted even at our worst, we are able to feel calmer quicker (co-regulation) when we know we are not in it alone. 

Feel ready to be curious about your partner? If yes, give some of these curious questions a go. (If possible, be present. How is your partner responding? Be curious around your own thoughts, feelings and responses).

Hey ______(insert whatever word used to address your partner)

What did you feel good about today? 

Did you dream last night? What did you dream about?

What’s your favorite color today?

Did you laugh today? About what?

What made you cry today?

What were you afraid of today? 

What stresses you out the most? 

Did anything excite you today? Or what have you felt excited about lately?

Again, relationships require work. And don’t hold me accountable if you are practicing curiosity and your relationship is still falling apart. It is one excellent tool and the work consists of implementing many more tools. If you are still a believer in a “happily ever after,”  good for you! It can and does exist. Only this time it will require some unlearning and relearning about true, realistic, deep human connection. When you feel ready, check out our online therapy services (including couples therapy). Visit our trained therapists’ bios who are truly curious about your relationship and ready to support you through it.

https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team

*Happily ever not guaranteed, but a safe space is.

To continue to be curious about current or future relationship reads, visit https://relearninghuman.com/2024/08/23/basic-but-not-so-simple-8-revealing-questions-to-ask-yourself-about-relationships/ 

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist (Individuals & Couples Therapist) & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Be curious. It can save your relationship.

Relationships

Like starting any new process, there are many unknowns and uncertainties when finding a therapist. It can feel daunting, exciting, frustrating and downright defeating. Connecting with the right therapist can sometimes feel overwhelming and we hope to streamline the process for you. 

Maybe you have a specific goal of therapy in mind, that’s great. And, it’s totally fine if you don’t. Maybe you want a person trained in a specific modality or with specific lived experience, that’s fine. Maybe you just want to feel connected to the therapist, that’s fine too. 

Every person shows up to therapy in a different way. However you showing up is good enough. You don’t need to change anything about how you show up in therapy. There is no right or wrong way to engage in this process. Just show up as you are. 

Here is how to get the process started:

  1. You already have. Well done. Take a moment to acknowledge that you clicked on this post today and wherever you go from here is up to you. You are in the driver’s seat in this process. 
  1. Read through the bios (https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team)  Without thinking too hard – who do you feel drawn to? It could be their photo or the words they use. Connection points sometimes can’t be put into words and that’s OK. If you feel drawn to someone, great. If not, that’s OK too. Go onto step 3.
  1. Book a complimentary meet and greet with one or all of the therapists (https://relearninghuman.janeapp.com). You will have 15 minutes to get to know the therapist, ask any questions you might have or get a feel for the therapists’ general vibe. 
  1. If you have any questions, hesitations or want an in-between for steps 2 and 3, email us at co*****@re*************.com .

Thank you for considering therapy with ReLearning Human and in general. The world becomes a more connected place when we get to know ourselves a bit better. 

Authored by: Annie Amirault RSW, MSW & Co-founder of Relearning Human.

Getting Started

Navigating Change

Everyday we are faced with stressful, anxious provoking situations and it’s easy to get in your head. ‘Grounding techniques’ offer a solution to the problem of the human mind that experiences 70,000-100,000 thoughts per day (ever wonder why you are tired, fatigued and overwhelmed by 5pm? – thats why!). 

This technique can help you get through challenging (think stressful and anxiety producing) situations. When we are confronted with experiences that our brains perceive as difficult, impossible or even dangerous (yes, that email notification can feel dangerous), sometimes our bodies produce survival hormones that intend to be helpful but in reality make us physically and emotionally uncomfortable (read mental freak outs, anxiety spirals, outthinking and self sabotaging behaviors). 

Using this technique will walk you through your five senses to help manage tough situations when they arise.

5 – LOOK: Look around for 5 things that you can see, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I see the computer, I see the cup, I see the picture frame.

4 – FEEL: Pay attention to your body and think of 4 things that you can feel, and say them out loud. For example, you could say, I feel my feet warm in my socks, I feel the hair moving in the breeze.

3 – LISTEN: Listen for 3 sounds. It could be the sound of traffic outside, the sound of typing or the sound of your tummy rumbling. 

2 – SMELL: Say two things you can smell. If you’re able to, it’s okay to move to another spot and sniff something. If you can’t smell anything at the moment or you can’t move, then name your 2 favorite smells.

1 – TASTE: Say one thing you can taste. It may be the toothpaste from brushing your teeth, or a mint from after lunch. If you can’t taste anything, then say your favorite thing to taste.

Need more help managing anxiety, overwhelm, stress or other human experiences? We are here, one email or click away.

Feeling Crazy? Learn how to tame your brain

No B.S. Exercises

Shame is an uncomfortable emotion that we often avoid feeling. Feeling shame does not mean you are a bad person, it means you are human. The discomfort and fear of feeling shame can activate certain behaviors. Shame can look like:

  • Wanting to hide/hiding
  • Rigidly believe that we are ‘good’ or bad’
  • Being attracted to folks who are emotionally unavailable 
  • Avoiding certain tasks, people and situations 
  • Not asking for what you want or need
  • Not speaking up and/or ruminating about things you would have said
  • Doing what you think other people want you to do 
  • “Go with the flow” even though you have preferences 
  • Reacting in anger
  • Negative self-talk and self-blame
  • Blaming ourselves when things don’t work out

Because humans are hard-wired with shame, we can’t necessarily ‘get rid of it’ and we can learn to recognize and manage it when it gets in the way of us living the life we want to live.

My story of shame starts with an anxious and fearful parent who did their very best to ensure that I was set up for their definition of success. This looked like controlling my normal, developmentally appropriate, child-like behaviors with, you guessed it, shame. Since childhood, I spent much of my life fighting against all the “shoulds” and expectations of others. I would try on the expectations of others, what other people wanted from me and it was like a vice squeezing me but I didn’t break (or maybe I did).  It seemed to me that everyone got the manual on how and who to be and I was the only one who didn’t “get it.” I thought that no one would love me unless I fit into this box that everyone else seemingly fit into.

I could go on about my shame story but I can’t change the past. Let’s skip to the present, the process of ReLearning.

Over time and lots of therapy, I have come to understand that my thoughts and behaviors kept me little, unseen and safe. I learned that I cannot control others’ thoughts, actions, or their feeling towards me. I can, however, become aware of how these pieces impact me, how these old wounds may become raw again when pressed and how I can best help myself when I feel anxious, angry, scared, and human. Getting to know your personal story of shame and how it is impacting your life and relationships is one of the most powerful tools learned in therapy. Shame is a powerhouse emotion. The humans at ReLearning Human are experts in shame and shame management. If you want to work on how you show up as a human when you feel shame, we are here to support. Kavita and I created ReLearning Human to provide a space for you to explore your own human experience, whatever that looks like for you.

– Annie, Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

ReLearning Shame

The Exposed Therapist

This is a fairly simple, yet challenging practice where we use our breath to get us out of our thoughts (because we all know they can be uber distressing sometimes) and back to the here and now.  

Problem solving, planning, thinking are all necessary parts of being human AND when not used as an intentional skill (think pen and paper, collaboration or meeting with yourself) they can cause our anxiety and stress hormones to respond and rise to help us meet the challenge in front of us (and feel a bit wonky and off kilter). 

I encourage you to focus on one component of breath. Pick your own or choose one of the following:

  • The air moving in and out of your nose or mouth
  • Your chest rising and falling
  • Your Belly moving up and down
  • Your lungs expanding and contracting

As you focus on that one component of breath, use your hand to trace your inhales and exhales. You don’t have to change or alter your breath at all, just notice each inhale and exhale, just breathing as you breathe. If you notice you have gotten caught up in thoughts or your mind has wandered off, that’s OK, you are human and we don’t judge being human. Just come back to the practice of tracing your breath with your hand.

Breathing isn’t cutting it? Don’t worry, we all need more support from time to time. At ReLearning Human, we provide online therapy to support you through the challenging and painful experiences of life while cultivating a deeper understanding of what it means to be human — and what it looks like to be human for YOU. 

Book a meet and greet here to get started.

Overwhelmed? This might help

No B.S. Exercises