Emotional Stuff

Did the title make you feel uncomfortable, or did it intrigue you? Or both? Your initial reaction might be linked to your learnings and experiences around the act of sex, sexuality and sensuality. What do you think about sex? Do you enjoy sex? Are you able to talk openly about sex and your sexual experiences? OR does thinking about sex bring up feelings like embarrassment, disgust, fear? If so, you are not alone and you may be struggling with sexual shame.

Sex shame can look and feel very different for each of us. If you grew up in a household where the tv channel was switched because a sex scene was on the screen like I did, the likelihood of feeling anything but uncomfortable is unavoidable. The message absorbed is that sex is dirty, taboo, and if you can’t watch it, you surely should not be “doing it.” It’s shameful.

A simplified way of defining sexual shame is the sense or a feeling that something is inherently wrong or bad in you and anything remotely revolving around sex. You may feel this about the way your genitals look, the shape or size of your body, sexual fantasies, desires, who you are sexually attracted to or any kinks that you may have, and so on.

So where have you learned sexual shame?

These learnings are not isolated to our family homes. Some of our culture or religious beliefs contribute to our sexual shame. We may not be aware of it or not want to believe it does have an influence, but it does. Some of the teachings around sex say that it is sinful, particularly outside of the construct of marriage (and you are having sex outside of marriage), or that sexuality as a whole is bad or dirty. This can instill feelings of guilt around normal, natural, sexual thoughts and behaviors.

What did we learn about our bodies growing up? From a young age we are bombarded with false messages about what our bodies should look like and how we should behave. Absorbing and believing these messages can lead to body shame. Body shame is closely tied to sexual shame. The media doesn’t help either. As we know, it often promotes constricted standards of beauty and what is sexy. Although we’ve made some strides in the past ten years or so, we still have a way to go. These messages formulate an unrealistic idea around sex and what is acceptable or not that can leave us feeling guilt (what I’m doing is bad) and shame (I am bad).

On a heavier note, individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse may have internalized feelings of shame around their sexuality, associating sexual experiences with disgust, pain, fear or violence.

How is sex shame showing up in your life?

There are so many consequences of sexual shame that we may not be aware of. Here are some of the experiences you may have or are encountering in your life. Sex shame can lead to sexual dysfunction such as lack of desire, inability to orgasm, inability to have penetration or full penetration (i.e.: vaginismus) without pain, difficulty with arousal, and so on. You may experience low self-esteem due to feelings of shame around your sexuality, often increasing levels of anxiety and depression. Shame around sex can often build walls in your romantic relationships prohibiting honest communication, misunderstanding and leaving partners feeling inadequate and dissatisfied. Not to mention even more isolated in their shame. You’re also most likely not able to experience full pleasure. Shame can make it difficult to fully enjoy sex, to evoke a sense of curiosity and explore your sexual desires in a safe way.

How can you reclaim your sexuality without shame? (Or at least try to)

It is possible to relearn your relationship with sex and your sexuality. Here are some things that might help:

Therapy: Talk to a trained professional. Someone that is able to hold a safe space for you without judgment. Your experiences and how you feel about sex are valid and talking to a therapist can support your need to be heard and validated. Learning ways in which to understand your shame can help you learn how to release it.

Consensual safe sexual practices: Sexual practices established around consent and respect will support transparent communication. Being able to share your needs and desires will increase chances of building positive experiences around sex and reducing shame.

Challenge your beliefs (a repetitive narrative doesn’t make it true): Check in with yourself and your beliefs around sex and your sexuality. Are these your beliefs? Are emotions such as guilt and fear motivating factors? Do these beliefs support your authentic self?

Educate yourself (SEX 101): You may need to go back to the drawing board. (I’m remembering the 50 mins of sex education class). It might be helpful to relearn about sex, sexual consent, sexual/reproductive organs, anatomy, etc. This may help debunk all that we think we know about sex or have learned about sex, what we should or should not be doing sexually and, more importantly, how to or not to feel. Learning that sex is natural and some of it not so sexy may help shed some of the shame wrapped up in these learnings.

Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself while working through shame will be necessary. Your sexuality is unique, no need to compare it to others and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to work through your shame. Go at your own pace and what feels safe to you.

If you haven’t been able to label your sexual shame until now and wish to work on challenging and creating a new narrative around your ideas around sex, sexuality and sensuality, first and foremost, be kind to yourself during this process. It will require self-reflection, open communication, and a shift in your mindset. Healing from sexual shame is a brave and powerful step towards living an authentic life, having deeper and meaningful connections and cultivating a sense of empowerment and love for yourself. Reminder, you don’t have to do this on your own.

Please reach out to our team of therapists for support at co*****@re*************.com and you can check out ReLearning Human’s very own sex therapist Kehinde Ekpudu’s bio here.

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Shameless SEXuality.

The Self

I see you there in the dark place, sitting alone. The silence is so loud, it’s deafening. Judgements of ourselves swirl around us, we are haunted by past versions of ourselves and taunted by predictions of the future.

Everything is heavy here. Everything is scary. The air is a thick fog of shame that weighs on every inch of the body. The weight is too immense. It’s invisible and crushing.

We work hard to make sure we’re alone in our dark places. It has always been safer to be alone. From the start, we have learned to manage everything on our own. We push people away, refuse help and withdraw from others. We don’t want people to see what it’s really like here. If they saw what it’s like where they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand. The dark place has convinced us that we are a burden and we are alone in this experience.

The dark place is a place I know well and I’ve have spent so much time I can recite the stories the dark place tells us by heart: to kill ourselves, that we are unloveable, we are inherently flawed, we escape this pain because it will never end, there’s something wrong with is, that no one really knows who we are, life will never get better or easier. The slippery story of this place weedles its way into the mind of the traumatized, the mind of the addict, the anxious and avoidant mind. The longer the dark story goes unchallenged, the louder it becomes and the harder it is to manage.

If you are there now, I won’t try to pull you out. The dark place has its hold on you, for now. I don’t want you to split in two. Instead I’m going to get in there with you, in your dark place, sitting beside you. Is that OK? Maybe we are on a bench together, maybe we are just staring at a wall. It doesn’t really matter what we do, just that we do it together. It is how we are hard-wired, to connect. Even though the dark place has convinced you that it’s safer to be alone, no one should be alone in the dark place. I’m with you, sitting beside you. Breathing in and out as the stories and self-judgments swirl around us. Let them swirl, watch them as they go.

There’s nothing to figure out or problem solve when we are in the dark place. Our goal is to simply survive. Accept we are in the dark place for now and do our best to hold on. Hold onto the bed you are laying on. Hold on to that memory of kindness from someone somewhere. Hold on to yourself and you can hold on to me too. We all need something to hold on to.

I know my dark place well and when the story is loud I will hold on. Even when the depression tells you horrible things about you, just hold on. You don’t need to fight or resist the story. Just let the story swirl. It’s just the story that depression tells you. It is not the truth, even when it feels like the truth. This is just a story of depression.

Hold on.

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of Relearning Human

The Dark Place of Depression.

Emotional Stuff

In the book I’m reading (Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas), a main character says as they are about to engage in war:

“…and you will likely throw up again. But just remember that this fear of yours? It means you have something worth fighting for – something you care so greatly for that losing it is the worst thing you can imagine” (page 684).

Fear is undeniably part of the human experience. We all feel fear. It can show up as a tight knot in your stomach, racing heart, or a mental block and procrastination. Whether it’s going on a date, checking an email, or speaking up in a meeting, fear often holds us back from achieving our goals and living the life that aligns with our values. But, what if we could transform that fear into a catalyst for action? Managing the fear and moving forward anyway is a key strategy for personal growth and success. As the title says – feel the fear and do the damn thing.

Understanding fear as a natural, human response

Fear is a normal human emotion designed to protect us from danger. However, in today’s world, most of our fears are not life-threatening. Often when the fear response is activated, it is because we are doing something different and stepping out of our comfort zones. This distinction allows us to approach fear not as an enemy to avoid but as a simple, normal, human signal that maybe we are challenging ourselves or being given an opportunity to stretch and grow. Instead of becoming stuck in fear, we can use it as a guide to where we might want or need to grow and change.

Recognizing and accepting fear

ReLearning being Human is a continual process and it includes accepting fear. Accepting fear as a normal and expected part of the human experience is the first step to overcoming it. Instead of being overwhelmed, denying, suppressing or avoiding your anxiety, recognize it as a natural, human response. Mindful practices can help you build the muscle of awareness so that you can manage the fear when it naturally comes up day to day. You can find various mindful practices here. Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. The process of accepting your reality as it is without turning away from it, is about making peace with your fear and using it as a starting point for action.

Using curiosity to question fear

Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of?”

“Why does this fear exist?”

“What do I think will happen if I do (or don’t do) X?”

“How is the fear trying to protect me and keep me safe?”

By understanding the root of your fear, you can address it more effectively and help support yourself to walk with the fear, instead of avoiding it.

Take small steps

Large goals are often overwhelming and exacerbate the fear and subsequent avoidance. Breaking down goals into smaller, bitesize tasks can help manage the fear and overwhelm when starting a task. Try using micro goals to create manageable goals that might be less activating. You can learn more about micro goals here.These incremental steps can make the process less daunting and help build a sense of accomplishment in the process.

Ask for help

Asking for help might be fear-inducing in itself! AND we can’t be an expert in everything. If you are struggling to manage your fear, reach out to fellow humans who both feel fear, and help themselves and others learn how to accept and manage it.

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/ Psychotherapist & Co-founder of ReLearning Human

Facing Uncertainty: Feel the Fear and Do the Damn Thing

The Self

I decided to write on this particular topic as I have recently experienced the greatest loss of my life. I am grieving the loss of my sister. My person. She transitioned in December 2022. She fought Leukemia (AML) and lung GVHD (graft vs host disease she developed in her lungs from her stem cell transplant). If I were to write she lost her battle to cancer, I’m pretty sure she would deliver me a cosmic pinch on my arm.

As a mental health practitioner and may I remind myself and you, a human first, we are so often challenged with having (yes, the “I should” because I am a therapist) to practice “healthy” coping, implementing self care techniques and “doing the work” as I often share with my clients. However, as a human, when you are faced with these human challenges, all this shit often goes out the window. Sometimes in order to merely survive we dive headfirst into isolation, numbing and avoidance, anything to prevent feeling the unsurmountable pain, both physical and emotional.

Here are some of the ways I am experiencing and navigating with my grief and loss. Some of these reminders and choices may also help you navigate yours. Is it possible to cope and continue to live with and through your grief & loss.

Some of the things you may experience after the loss of your loved one:

Fatigue

Overwhelm with all the “feels”

Grief fog

Loss of appetite or increase in appetite.

Inability to be around people (those you love, maybe?)

Difficulty sleeping

Anxiety

Depression (extreme sadness)

Isolating yourself

Consuming yourself with your lost loved one

This is not an exhaustive list of the symptoms you may experience. All the symptoms you experience are normal after losing someone you love.

When you are ready to heal and take steps forward in healing, these are some tips that may help you: No one knows the best way to heal but you!

Grieve in your own way. That is the only way.

I talk to my sister and hear her what her response would be and feel her presence. I incorporate her into my life in any which way I can (yesterday I made Shepards pie. It’s not my favorite but it is hers). And it’s ok. However, it feels isolating and most days I feel a little, a lot crazy.

I am learning to accept that no two people will grieve the same way. Sometimes it’s easy to feel guilty, angry and isolated when you don’t grieve in a certain way or the way people around you, or the world wants you to grieve. Let go of the guilt when you are ready, it will not help you heal and allow yourself permission to grieve exactly the way you need to in the moment. It’s ok.

Self care. Even when you’d rather not.

Grief engulfs every aspect of your life, it is a full body and mind experience and can be entirely debilitating and so confusing. The last thing I wanted (want to do some days) is get out of bed, exercise, at times I did not want to allow myself any opportunity to experience joy and moments of happiness. Guilt can be very loud sometimes, and you wonder why and what’s the point of taking care of myself? And you do it anyway. Only you know what your capacity is, what you can and can not handle.

Here are some of the ways that I have been able to take care of myself. You may be able to resonate with some and try:

Spending lots of time in nature

Going to the lake at my sister’s (your loved ones) favorite spot (if possible, of course)

Exercising (this means movement of body)

Nourishing my body with healthy meals and drinking lots of water

Breathwork, Somatic exercises (this may not feel safe for everyone) Meditation.

Painting, cross stitch

Therapy

Journalling

Working less (saying ‘No’)

Zoning out, into my grief binge watching television (yes this is ok)

Practicing non-judgment and self compassion when I turn to alcohol or substances to numb the pain.

Reaching out for support from those who know what’s up.

The exact dates and time frame is unclear however not long after my sister transitioned, I joined the Princess Margaret Hospital support group for bereaved family members at Wellspring. It was the start of feeling less isolated and enabled me to understand and fully accept that not everyone grieves the same. There were family members with unresolved anger towards their loved ones, denial (I was in this group) and still with courage and vulnerability we were able to share, feel seen and heard in the most difficult time. Along with the support group I continued with my individual therapy sessions with my therapist (yes, every therapist should have a therapist!) and have had many conversations and continue to do so with those that have also lost loved ones. There is a comfort and ease when you know they get it. You don’t have to say much at all, and this means everything.

Surround yourself with people you love and love you. When you want to.

It’s not always easy to do. Most often being around people you love and creating new memories is a bittersweet and sometimes a painful experience, a reminder that your loved one is not here anymore. So, surround yourself with people you love when you want to because although your loved one is not here in physical form, there are others around who do love you and love for you to be around in any emotional state you’re in. Just as you are. Shifting your mind to what you still have and to want to create for your life and future is necessary in your healing journey.

Keeping memories alive and celebrating the life of your loved one

I think I’ve made it somewhat of a mission of mine to ensure that my sister is remembered and celebrated. We had a weeklong celebration for her where we released her ashes on her birthday in Jamaica as per her wishes. We are fortunate that we were able to grant her this wish. I have built strong connections with some of her dearest friends, and they share their memories of my sister. Together we are keeping her memory alive through the tears and the laughter. There are photos of her in my home, some of her belongings that are the dearest to me and my family. Her clothes are still in her closet at my parents home. Periodically we step in and smell her clothes. Talk to her in her childhood bedroom and feel maybe a little closer to her. Beautiful paintings that she painted during her last two years on earth are placed all over the home. She is remembered, missed, loved and celebrated every day.

You can keep memories of your loved ones alive. Creating an album, memory journal, recordings of your thoughts are some other ways you can do this for yourself and share with family and friends if it feels right for you.

Leaning into your faith and spiritual beliefs

I am a Buddhist by practice and what I mean by that is I chant/pray and create clear determinations daily for my life, the one I wish to create for myself. It is also the time (well one of many times throughout the day) in which I connect and feel closer to my loved ones that have transitioned. It is when I have conversations with my sister and wish her love and light in her continued journey. It’s what allows me to have hope in my healing journey and connectivity to all things within me and around me. It is my grounding. My anchor.

If you have religious or spiritual belief lean into this part of you for support and guidance through your grief and your healing.

Trust in time

My clients hear me say this, A LOT. Trust in timing or to be more accurate, “I trust in timing”. Time does heal. Maybe not entirely heal but what I am experiencing is that there are moments when the grief feels lighter and a little more manageable. I haven’t experienced this consistently though. Grief is not linear, sometimes we feel like we are doing quite well and managing and then the next moment, day or week we are feeling the intense loss and fall into the depths of our sadness all over again. I wake up some days with the thought of, “is this true?”, “Oh no she’s really not here”. With time however, these periods in between feel more spread out.

Take time to heal, do not rush your process and be kind and gentle with yourself. You can do this and you are not alone. Your brain is trying to make sense of a new reality without your loved one in it the way they used to be. You are relearning to live essentially with loss, building a new life around your grief, hence time is an essential component in your process.

Try to take good care of yourself (when you can) & Breathe.

This blog is dedicated to my sister & soulmate Janki Patel. Her last words in her eulogy she left for us…

You are strong. You are brave. You are loved. And you are enough just the way you are. All is well. Until we meet again.

Authored: Kavita Patel Co-founder of Relearning Human

For support, connect with our Relearning Human therapists.

Grief: Navigating Loss When Your Mind Feels Fucked

The Exposed Therapist

RELEARNING
HUMAN

Do the work

partners in care

Emotional Stuff

RELEARNING
HUMAN

Do the work

RELEARNINGHUMAN

Do the work

partners in care

Emotional Stuff

RELEARNINGHUMAN

Do the work

RELEARNING
HUMAN

RELEARNING
HUMAN