We are in our “Let Them” era with Mel Robbins’ fabulous theory that advises us to let go of managing the emotions of others, letting go of other people’s actions, choices, opinions and judgements. Instead of reacting with anxiety or frustration, the concept of radical acceptance (a pillar of DBT and other modalities we use here at ReLearning Human) is coming into focus with the practice of accepting, instead of resisting. 

Accepting folks as they are might initially sound like you are allowing others to disrespect, abuse or treat you poorly but this is not the practice. Experiencing someone just as they are allows you to fully see the person, how they interact with the world, with you, their beliefs and perspectives. This vital information gives you the opportunity to make informed decisions about how you want to interact with this person. 

If someone is consistently defensive, closed, judgemental, comparative, or passive-aggressive and is not open to your feedback, then you may want to look at how you engage with them. Feedback, openness, vulnerability are needed and necessary for relationships to flourish. This does not mean cutting the person out, this means adjusting your expectations around how this person can show up for you. 

There is peace in power in letting go of things you cannot control. Hopefully the exercise below will help further and deepen your practice of acceptance, of letting go and letting others be as they are without resistance. 

The step-by-step guide to “Let them” & radical acceptance 

Build your awareness: The first and I would argue the hardest step in accepting, practicing awareness. Awareness is really about being able to identify your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how your internal world impacts others.

In order to build your awareness, you have to slow down. This doesn’t mean Pamela Anderson in Baywatch slow, this means actually knowing what is happening for you in real time. Are you Angry? Anxious? Sad? None of these experiences are bad, they are actually a normal part of being human. How did you feel today and how might that be coming off to other people?

Know your triggers: With awareness as a solid foundation, recognizing what grinds your gears, what brings you to tears and what makes you shut down will help you pause when you are upset, angry or dysregulated. What bothered or upset you today? Unless your life is perfect, you experienced some reactivity today. 

Don’t react: When you feel upset, pause. Are you making someone’s emotion or behaviour about you? Stop. This is not about you, it’s about them. Refocus on your breathing, do a body scan or somatic exercise (peep the somatic exercise here or find some resources and mindful practices here). 

Share and set boundaries if needed: Let the person know that their behaviour felt bad for you.“Hey when you compared me to your other friend it hurt, I’m sharing this not to judge you but because I might have seemed off afterwards when I abruptly stopped texting. I don’t know why it hurt but it did and I want you to know because I care about our relationship.” You are not judging them, shaming or blaming them. You are sharing what happened for you (you can control you). 

If they are not open, if they are defensive, angry, judgemental or tell you are being sensitive you can repeat the same process. Let them know their actions hurt you. If they are not open, then it is boundary time. Change your expectations of them and how you interact with them. Let them be as they are, you change. 

Focus on You: Redirect your energy to your goals, passions and interests. When you find them occupying space in your mind, keep re-focusing. The less space we give people in our mental house, the less space they take up. 


Practice daily & forever: It’s easy to read a book about mountain climbing, it takes a lot more practice, effort and consistency to climb a mountain. Reading a self-help book and practicing are two different things. You cannot evolve if you do not practice. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Guide to Peace – Putting “Let Them” into practice

The Self

Working out mentally is not about overthinking, ruminating or playing a scene over and over again in your mind. It’s about training your awareness muscle to shift away from the constant mental noise and come back to the present moment. 

As humans, we get caught in our heads riding the rollercoaster of worry, predicting and overanalyzing. When we engage in this mental gymnastics, we feel ungrounded, anxious, depressed and overwhelmed. “Working out” mentally means practicing ways to interrupt this cycle by engaging your awareness and grounding techniques. 

People who might want to start using this practice:


Overthinkers 

  • Constantly replaying conversations, “what if’s” and decisions in their mind
  • Struggle to relax or be present even in times of quiet and calm

Perfectionists & high-achievers 

  • Always doing even if there is nothing to do
  • Unrealistic expectations of self and others
  • Finds rest difficult or even feels guilt when resting 

Recovering from burn-out

  • Feels emotionally and physically depleted but are still in “go” mode
  • Need to slow down but are unsure how 

Emotionally numb and disconnected

  • Says things like “I don’t know how I feel” 
  • Feels muted, numb or disconnected 
  • Tends to shut-down, zone out when overwhelmed 

Reactive

  • Reacts disproportionately and is confused by their reactions
  • Struggle with lying, knee-jerk reactions and getting in their own way 

There are a number of ways to ground and for this post, we will focus on the somatic perspective. The following exercise will help you get out of your mind and into your body in order to actually feel and process those feelings humming under the surface. 

A simple somatic exercise:

  1. Pause for just a moment. It doesn’t matter whether you are sitting or standing. Just pause. Take a deep inhale and long slow exhale – maybe an audible sigh. If it feels right for you, you can keep breathing in and out at your own natural rhythm. Maybe this is the first breath you have taken all day – linger here if you want to. This is at your pace.
  2. Bring your attention to your feet. How do your feet feel right now? Are they cold or warm? Resting or tense? Just notice how your feet feel right now.
  3. Move your attention upwards into your ankles, calves, shins, knees and thighs. How do they feel? Is there a sense of relaxation or tension? Lightness or heaviness? Without going into problem-solving or fixing, just label how these parts of you feel right now.
  4. Keep scanning upwards into your hips, stomach and torso. Maybe you can place a hand on your belly or over your heart to feel the rise and fall of your body as it breathes.
  5. Move to your shoulders, neck and jaw. If there is tension that’s OK, just notice it. If it feels right to adjust or soften here or any other parts of your body, please do so.
  6. Finally, notice your face. Is your brow furrowed? Are you clenching your jaw? Can you relax your body by just 1%? 

How do you feel now? Better…worse? Just notice the impact that getting back into your body has. You can use this exercise anytime when you find yourself getting wrapped up in your own mental drama. You have control over how you respond when your mind is moving at a rapid pace. 

Was this helpful and are you interested in more exercises to help you get rid of your mental clutter? Check out more here 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Mental Gym: Get out of your head and into your body

The Self

I know very few people that do nothing and feel great about it. We live in a world obsessed and proud of the hustle pushed and manufactured by productivity apps, self-optimization, routines, structure and breathing, sleeping, goal trackers. Can we learn how to let all this go, if even for a moment? Can you let it all go? No plans, no pressure, no “shoulds.” If you’re ready to try, here are some ideas you can put into practice. The practice you can implement to feel joy when you are doing fuck all.

First and foremost, allow yourself permission to Dilly Dally. This is NOT laziness. This is more of a reclamation of space. Your time for your sanity. For your overall well-being.

1)    One morning with no agenda. When was the last time you woke up without an alarm? But because your body knew it was time to wake up? (I know if you are a parent you may have your eyeballs rolling around in your head Still, I encourage you to try it for a day. Is it possible? Is it possible just to observe how it feels? How do you want to use this time?

2)    Indulge without guilt. Because you can. Guilt exists to prevent you from feeling joy. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Wear your pjs all day, eat the pizza for breakfast, binge watch a series, read one page and then close the book. Do what you want. Why? Again, because you can.

3)    Sit there. Doing nothing is something. It really is. It isn’t a waste of time or space. It creates more space. Sitting where you are looking at the trees, shadows, maybe sitting on the couch or outside. You are not trying to find yourself. You are here. You are present.

4)    When society says GO, say NO. Rebel and resist the hustle culture. Perhaps we don’t have the luxury to practice this every day, but for one day a week we could give society a fuck off I think. There is so much power in being “unavailable” and being able to say, “I’m doing nothing today.” Try it. Please. No backup plans, no half-doing anything, not busy, but just being.

5)    Finale. When you let yourself do nothing, you really start to experience life less like “a to-do list” and more like life. Moments and time stretch, your breath returns. Your nervous system gives you a big thank you and sigh of relief for this sacred stillness. If you need permission to stop. Here it is.

You don’t need to optimize time and your morning routine.

You don’t need to monetize your hobbies.

You don’t need to earn rest or stillness. You just need to stop. For no reason whatsoever. Without shame.

And at the moment if you are:

Reading this right now because you’re procrastinating. Good.

If you’re lying in bed with Miss Vickie’s jalapeno dust on your pjs. Fantastic.

And if you’re doing absolutely nothing at all. Fucking Perfect.

The truth is we can always find something to do with our time because we feel we “should.” Practicing doing fuck all is necessary because society and (insert everyone that wants more from you here________) is always going to want more. It won’t stop. So, from time to time you can practice saying, Nah…. Fuck em.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

The joy of doing f*ck all

The Self

Perfectionism is the Psychological phenomenon that is categorized by “all or nothing” ways of thinking, control and has been linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Working with anxious, procrastinating perfectionists for almost a decade, I have noticed a number of behaviours and beliefs that are keeping perfectionists stuck: 

Fear of failure: This profound fear stops you from starting any new endeavour by paralyzing your system. Some refer to this as a ‘functional freeze’ where on the outside you might look lazy or like you’re relaxed, but on the inside, you’re in turmoil and conflict bouncing between the various “best” ways to start.

Procrastination: You can’t fail if you don’t start right? Avoidance, or procrastination is one of the top behaviors I’ve noticed in perfectionists. Procrastination takes many forms and can sound like, “I’ll start tomorrow” or “I can’t handle this right now.” The more we procrastinate, the easier it is to get looped into the cycle of procrastination.  


Results focused: Most goals worth working towards require small, incremental changes that focus on process instead of the outcome. When we focus solely on the results, every time we don’t attain them, we fail. 


People-pleasing: Focusing on what others think of the decisions you are making and the goals you are achieving vs. having an intrinsic sense of accomplishment during the process. People-pleasing might show up as seeking external validation, withholding information about your goals or plans or making decisions that you believe others would value and want. 


Highly critical: Whether they are looking in the mirror or at people around them, perfectionists’ brains are hyper-critical. This neuro-wiring may present challenges in relationships where they are outwardly critical of their partner or inwardly critical, believing that they need to do and be better to deserve care and connection. 

Ready to make lasting changes to your perfectionist mindset? Here is what to do: 

Break through procrastination: Micro goals are goals that can help you break down tasks into smaller, more attainable goals so that each day you can feel a sense of accomplishment. Action creates motivation and the more micro goals you check-off, the more motivated you will be to keep going. Now (not later) is a great time to start. You can begin creating micro goals using this worksheet here.

Fail, fail and fail some more: Failure is part of any process. If we base out decisions and actions on not failing, then we likely aren’t trying. If we focus on not failing then we are playing defence in our own life. 

Re-focus on the process: When you notice your mind focusing on the end goal, pull back. Starting a business, changing body composition, finding a partner, making your bed, cleaning your space, takes consistent effort. 

ReLearn what perfectionism is: We sometimes use “well, I’m a perfectionist” as a way to fuel our helplessness. Perfectionism is a coping strategy to manage anxiety and like any coping strategy, the more we use it, the stronger the “muscle” becomes. 

Ask for support: Whether it’s doomscrolling, drinking too much at parties, over-texting friends and family members or ruminating, recognizing and managing anxiety is tough. You don’t have to manage alone, there are books, courses and therapists who can help! Check out a few of the resources below: 

Marc Antony TedTalk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTbnBmwKuCI

Reshma Saujani: https://www.amazon.ca/Brave-Not-Perfect-Celebrating-Imperfection/dp/1524762350/ref=asc_df_1524762350/?tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=706754452057&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4001277781930848264&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000090&hvtargid=pla-1098540870872&psc=1&mcid=811d6b7b947d3bdcb104bf5acc85f337&gad_source=1

Ali Abdall: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elAFB0HSBgo 

Stephen Guise: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25692561-how-to-be-an-imperfectionist 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Perfectionism: A perfect coping strategy for anxiety 

The Self

Many people come to therapy looking for tools and techniques to manage their stress or to manage symptoms of burnout (sustained stress). I get it, stress is not the most comfortable thing to experience and most of us need help developing strategies to manage challenges and stress-points. 

Here are a few questions that can help you map out your stress:

When I am stressed, how does my body react? Racing mind, adrenaline, fast speech 

What happens to me when I feel stressed? I disconnect from others, my mind starts to race

What stories are in the mind about this stress? Other people wouldn’t be stressed, I’m not handling this well, other people don’t have it as hard as me 

How does feeling stressed impact my relationships? I isolate and can’t verbalize how I am feeling

What did I learn about stress growing up? Stress is bad, it should be avoided 

Therapeutic work in stress management techniques is holistic and begins with daily practices  accessing the pillars of health. This means, nourishing and moving the body, connecting with our community, mindful practices, resting and accessing sleep. Daily management can help prevent burnout and also support our awareness when stress or anxiety is not helping us.

When I teach daily stress-management, we speak of the following: 

  1. Acceptance vs. resistance 

Accept that stress is your body’s normal response when it needs a little *umph* to get over and move through a challenge. Stress is not a bad thing, it’s a normal, human reaction to (perceived) pressure. Practice shifting your understanding when you feel that cortisol flowing through your body. Your body is helping you rise to the occasion, whether that occasion be sitting in traffic, answering an email, delivering a presentation or making dinner. Your body is not against you, it is trying to help, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable. 

  1. Let it flow

Challenging situations should come, visit and they should go. If you are feeling “stressed” for a long period of time, then you may want to have a deeper look at what’s actually happening. If your thoughts are swirling around, are future focused, catastrophic or hinged on things out of your control, then you may want to shift your language and use “anxious” instead of “stress.” Rumination, or cyclical thinking, about stressful situations will create prolonged stress in your body, and if it goes unchecked, can lead to burnout. 

  1. Stop identifying with being “stressed”

Whether you are talking about crossfit, being a parent, having an illness or being stressed, the more you align yourself with a concept, the more you will identify with it. Being “stressed” has become the new Prada bag. We identify as “stressed” as a signifier of our importance and almost a status symbol. 

  1. Be more specific about what you feel 

Feeling “stressed” has become a catch all for many emotions. Take a minute when you hear yourself talking about your stress or catch yourself thinking about stress and deep dive. Is your body actually feeling stressed? Or are you feeling anger? Anxiety? Fear? Once you get crystal clear on what’s happening in your body, it will be easier to figure out how to help yourself. 

Whether it’s in the gym, at work or in therapy, learning new skills can require a little extra support. Check out ReLearning Human’s other blogs and start implementing the necessary tools to get the most out of your life. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Stressed? Here is what to do about it: practical advice on handling stress as it shows up in your everyday life 

No B.S. Exercises