Emotional Stuff

When was the last time you had some rest? Not just sleeping or scrolling through your timeline while you think about the dishes that have to be done — but genuine rest — the kind that feeds your mind and body. With all the things we have to do in a day, it can feel impossible. I know, there’s just never enough time. But the thing is, rest is not a privilege or something you need to earn, it’s a priority. So, when can we simply rest? 

If the time we spend taking breaks while thinking about our next task to do isn’t rest, then what is it? Rest is when someone takes a break, physically or mentally, from an activity as a way to recharge. And so, when we are thinking about other things, we aren’t really fitting into this definition. 

If you’re still not convinced that finding ways to rest beyond what you have been doing will help, here are a few reasons why you should begin practicing rest. I’m sure if you take a moment to think about it, you’ll come up with a few reasons of your own as to why you owe it to yourself to take a break.

1. Rest is important for minimizing stress: not only this, but as a practice, it can also be good for avoiding burnout.
2. When we are rested, we can make better decisions: when we step away from something to rest, we can look at it with a fresh perspective.
3. Beneficial for our physical health: have you ever noticed that when you’re particularly overwhelmed your body feels off too? Stress and our fight-or-flight response impacts different aspects of our body like digestion, blood pressure, heart rate and hormones. When we rest, we give our bodies the ability to recharge and lessen stress.
4. Rest can make us more productive: when we force ourselves to get stuff done because we are stuck in a mindset of what is and isn’t productive, we can sometimes start dragging our feet and procrastinating, so we struggle with the task at hand. Rest makes it easier to focus on the task, ultimately improving our ability to complete what we need to do.
5. Rest can be a form of protest: in a world where we often aren’t given the opportunity to rest, and are even told we shouldn’t, it’s a great act of resistance to rest and prioritize ourselves. Community and being there for others is important, but we can’t always be everything for everyone — and that’s okay too — you can take time for yourself when needed.

It’s one thing to say that rest is helpful, but let’s be honest, it’s also difficult to find time for it. We are so busy these days and the responsibilities pile up. Here’s a few ways to get better rest:

1. Schedule it in: just like you can schedule other parts of your day, you can schedule rest too. It doesn’t have to take more than 20 minutes, but find a time where you can focus on you and recharge. Scheduling it in may help you stick more to the plan and avoid distractions that take away from your rest time. 
2. Find something you enjoy: your rest time is for you — how you recharge doesn’t have to be typical or make sense to anyone else, it can just be. It may not click right away and you may have to try out different ways to unwind, but if it feels right to you, hold onto it.
3. Consider what rest means to you: is it more recharging to be with others socially or do you find watching a  movie alone under blankets to be more restful?

Don’t know where to start, try these ideas. You may find them helpful or you may not, and that’s okay, we are all different after all. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll lead you somewhere where you can feel rested.

1. Get active: try moving your body in any way that works for you — go for a walk, hike, or try dance.
2. Try breathing exercises or similar activities: practices like these can help us to regulate our stress response. Try a few practices and see what works for you. Not sure where to find one that you like? Check out some of our resources here.
3. Consider your favourite type of media: do you love music? Is there a show or movie that brings you comfort? Try to implement these into your day, but not just as background noise; instead, immerse yourself in it.
4. Play: when was the last time you played? Play has many benefits for your mental health. You can read more about this here and understand your play style through this worksheet.
5. Take a nap: sometimes the most basic methods of rest work best. Try resting your mind and body with a nap to recharge.
6. Find a hobby that fuels you: consider what you enjoy, maybe it’s something creative, playing video games, baking, etc. If the hobby leaves you feeling fulfilled and recharged, it’s rest.

Now, please find some time to rest — it’s okay to prioritize yourself! 

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

As an addict (smoking) in recovery, I spent a lot of time outside watching massive Toronto squirrels. Moving from the East Coast, I had never seen anything like them before. They are twitchy, resourceful and fast. Because they have to be. Just like us, they are living in a world as both predator and prey. You might be rolling your eyes and thinking “Humans are top of the food chain.” I can’t argue with that BUT I do think that as animals, humans feel less safe than we care to admit. Don’t believe me? If you let your mind roam for a minute or two, where does it go?

Are you:

Ruminating about a past conversation?

Anticipating something coming up today or this week?

Engaging in a hypothetical argument?

Struggling to get to sleep or stay asleep at night?

Judging or comparing yourself or your values to other people? 

Avoiding certain people, places or experiences? 

Beating yourself up over a mistake you made?

Repeating a conversation that was had? 

Over-analyzing a piece of feedback?

Becoming angry remembering something someone said or did?

Engaging in “what if” types of thoughts? 

If you sat peaceful and zen for a few minutes (no, disassociation and numbing do not count), I’m happy for you. If not, your mind might be working hard to keep you safe from perceived dangers. I know, I know, your performance evaluation or upcoming third date isn’t inherently dangerous yet here you are, thinking about it. 

All humans, all animals have things that they perceive as dangerous. These things might not be logically or rationally a threat to survival but the brain and body systems send off little alarm bells (cue anxiety, panic, insomnia, OCD, depression and other experiences) to keep us safe. Think of those squirrels who run away from people trying to feed them or just walking near them. The people did not have any intention of harming them and yet the squirrel ran because it is hardwired to seek safety even if it doesn’t make logical sense. We are just like those squirrels.

Yes we have access to logical reasoning, emotional regulation and complex reasoning, but we have to USE IT. 

If you are:

Imagining the future

Getting stuck in the past

Struggling to regulate your anger, excitement, and other emotions

Shutting down in conflict

Experiencing insomnia 

Avoiding conflict

Overthinking 

Feeling exhausted and like you are fried by the end of the day

Not being honest with yourself or others

Not advancing in your career or relationships the way you want to

(and many more human experiences)

The likelihood is that your Nervous System is stuck and you are not able to access those highly human traits of reasoning, regulation and other advanced human traits. Remember, just because we are wired to survive doesn’t mean we have to settle for survival. Through consistent practice and mental evolution,cognitive rewiring is possible. 

Being stuck is not the problem. It’s human to be stuck sometimes. Staying stuck might be the problem, and if it is, we are here to help. 

Want to take the next step? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support you. If you’re feeling nervous about the next steps and want to better understand the process, you can read Getting Started here.

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Self-talk is a normal process that we all participate in daily, we all have an inner voice, and for some of us, that voice is an asshole. When we go with our automatic, reactive thoughts without recognizing and challenging them, it has implications that affect our emotions, motivation, resiliency and future accomplishments. Problems around self-esteem and self-confidence arise when our inner voice is persistently negative. This type of mental experience reinforces irrational, negative and black and white ideas that we have about ourselves, our relationships and our futures. 

Someone once wrote: “If we talked to our friends in the same way that we talk to ourselves we would not have any friends.”

Ask yourself the following questions to challenge your inner critic, mitigate the impacts of negative self-talk and lessen your critical inner voice:

1. Challenge your thoughts

• What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
• Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation of the situation or event?
• Am I jumping to conclusions? Mind reading? Predicting the future?
• How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?
  

2. Look for alternative explanations

• Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
• If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?
• What would I tell a friend or loved one who has a similar experience?
  

3. Put it in perspective

• Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be?
• What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?
• What is the best thing that could happen?
• What is most likely to happen?
• Is there anything good about this situation?
• Will this matter in five years?
  

By acknowledging your self-critical voice and challenging its observations, you have the opportunity to create a change in how you relate to yourself and the world around you. Over time, being aware of your critical self-talk will actually rewire your brain. The more you practice pulling back from beating yourself up, the less automatic it will become. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

I see you there in the dark place, sitting alone. The silence is so loud, it’s deafening. Judgements of ourselves swirl around us, we are haunted by past versions of ourselves and taunted by predictions of the future. 

Everything is heavy here. Everything is scary. The air is a thick fog of shame that weighs on every inch of the body. The weight is too immense. It’s invisible and crushing.

We work hard to make sure we’re alone in our dark places. It has always been safer to be alone. From the start, we have learned to manage everything on our own. We push people away, refuse help and withdraw from others. We don’t want people to see what it’s really like here. If they saw what it’s like where they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand. The dark place has convinced us that we are a burden and we are alone in this experience. 

The dark place is a place I know well and I’ve have spent so much time I can recite the stories the dark place tells us by heart: to kill ourselves, that we are unloveable, we are inherently flawed, we escape this pain because it will never end, there’s something wrong with is, that no one really knows who we are, life will never get better or easier. The slippery story of this place weedles its way into the mind of the traumatized, the mind of the addict, the anxious and avoidant mind. The longer the dark story goes unchallenged, the louder it becomes and the harder it is to manage. 

If you are there now, I won’t try to pull you out. The dark place has its hold on you, for now. I don’t want you to split in two. Instead I’m going to get in there with you, in your dark place, sitting beside you. Is that OK? Maybe we are on a bench together, maybe we are just staring at a wall. It doesn’t really matter what we do, just that we do it together. It is how we are hard-wired, to connect. Even though the dark place has convinced you that it’s safer to be alone, no one should be alone in the dark place. I’m with you, sitting beside you. Breathing in and out as the stories and self-judgments swirl around us. Let them swirl, watch them as they go. 

There’s nothing to figure out or problem solve when we are in the dark place. Our goal is to simply survive. Accept we are in the dark place for now and do our best to hold on. Hold onto the bed you are laying on. Hold on to that memory of kindness from someone somewhere. Hold on to yourself and you can hold on to me too. We all need something to hold on to. 

I know my dark place well and when the story is loud I will hold on. Even when the depression tells you horrible things about you, just hold on. You don’t need to fight or resist the story. Just let the story swirl. It’s just the story that depression tells you. It is not the truth, even when it feels like the truth. This is just a story of depression. 

Hold on. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of Relearning Human

I decided to write on this particular topic as I have recently experienced the greatest loss of my life. I am grieving the loss of my sister. My person. She transitioned in December 2022. She fought Leukemia (AML) and lung GVHD (graft vs host disease she developed in her lungs from her stem cell transplant). If I were to write she lost her battle to cancer, I’m pretty sure she would deliver me a cosmic pinch on my arm.

As a mental health practitioner and may I remind myself and you, a human first, we are so often challenged with having (yes, the “I should” because I am a therapist) to practice “healthy” coping, implementing self care techniques and “doing the work” as I often share with my clients. However, as a human, when you are faced with these human challenges, all this shit often goes out the window.  Sometimes in order to merely survive we dive headfirst into isolation, numbing and avoidance, anything to prevent feeling the unsurmountable pain, both physical and emotional. 

Here are some of the ways I am experiencing and navigating with my grief and loss. Some of these reminders and choices may also help you navigate yours. Is it possible to cope and continue to live with and through your grief & loss. 

Some of the things you may experience after the loss of your loved one:

Fatigue   

Overwhelm with all the “feels” 

Grief fog  

Loss of appetite or increase in appetite.

Inability to be around people (those you love, maybe?)

Difficulty sleeping

Anxiety

Depression (extreme sadness)

Isolating yourself

Consuming yourself with your lost loved one 

This is not an exhaustive list of the symptoms you may experience. All the symptoms you experience are normal after losing someone you love. 

When you are ready to heal and take steps forward in healing, these are some tips that may help you:  No one knows the best way to heal but you!

Grieve in your own way. That is the only way.

I talk to my sister and hear her what her response would be and feel her presence. I incorporate her into my life in any which way I can (yesterday I made Shepards pie. It’s not my favorite but it is hers). And it’s ok. However, it feels isolating and most days I feel a little, a lot crazy.

I am learning to accept that no two people will grieve the same way. Sometimes it’s easy to feel guilty, angry and isolated when you don’t grieve in a certain way or the way people around you, or the world wants you to grieve. Let go of the guilt when you are ready, it will not help you heal and allow yourself permission to grieve exactly the way you need to in the moment. It’s ok.

Self care. Even when you’d rather not.

Grief engulfs every aspect of your life, it is a full body and mind experience and can be entirely debilitating and so confusing. The last thing I wanted (want to do some days) is get out of bed, exercise, at times I did not want to allow myself any opportunity to experience joy and moments of happiness. Guilt can be very loud sometimes, and you wonder why and what’s the point of taking care of myself? And you do it anyway.  Only you know what your capacity is, what you can and can not handle.

Here are some of the ways that I have been able to take care of myself. You may be able to resonate with some and try:

Spending lots of time in nature

Going to the lake at my sister’s (your loved ones) favorite spot (if possible, of course)

Exercising (this means movement of body)

Nourishing my body with healthy meals and drinking lots of water

Breathwork, Somatic exercises (this may not feel safe for everyone) Meditation.

Painting, cross stitch

Therapy 

Journalling 

Working less (saying ‘No’)

Zoning out, into my grief binge watching television (yes this is ok)

Practicing non-judgment and self compassion when I turn to alcohol or substances to numb the pain.

Reaching out for support from those who know what’s up. 

The exact dates and time frame is unclear however not long after my sister transitioned, I joined the Princess Margaret Hospital support group for bereaved family members at Wellspring. It was the start of feeling less isolated and enabled me to understand and fully accept that not everyone grieves the same. There were family members with unresolved anger towards their loved ones, denial (I was in this group) and still with courage and vulnerability we were able to share, feel seen and heard in the most difficult time.  Along with the support group I continued with my individual therapy sessions with my therapist (yes, every therapist should have a therapist!) and have had many conversations and continue to do so with those that have also lost loved ones. There is a comfort and ease when you know they get it. You don’t have to say much at all, and this means everything.

Surround yourself with people you love and love you. When you want to.

It’s not always easy to do. Most often being around people you love and creating new memories is a bittersweet and sometimes a painful experience, a reminder that your loved one is not here anymore. So, surround yourself with people you love when you want to because although your loved one is not here in physical form, there are others around who do love you and love for you to be around in any emotional state you’re in. Just as you are. Shifting your mind to what you still have and to want to create for your life and future is necessary in your healing journey.

Keeping memories alive and celebrating the life of your loved one

I think I’ve made it somewhat of a mission of mine to ensure that my sister is remembered and celebrated. We had a weeklong celebration for her where we released her ashes on her birthday in Jamaica as per her wishes. We are fortunate that we were able to grant her this wish. I have built strong connections with some of her dearest friends, and they share their memories of my sister. Together we are keeping her memory alive through the tears and the laughter.  There are photos of her in my home, some of her belongings that are the dearest to me and my family. Her clothes are still in her closet at my parents home. Periodically we step in and smell her clothes. Talk to her in her childhood bedroom and feel maybe a little closer to her. Beautiful paintings that she painted during her last two years on earth are placed all over the home. She is remembered, missed, loved and celebrated every day. 

You can keep memories of your loved ones alive. Creating an album, memory journal, recordings of your thoughts are some other ways you can do this for yourself and share with family and friends if it feels right for you.

Leaning into your faith and spiritual beliefs

I am a Buddhist by practice and what I mean by that is I chant/pray and create clear determinations daily for my life, the one I wish to create for myself. It is also the time (well one of many times throughout the day) in which I connect and feel closer to my loved ones that have transitioned. It is when I have conversations with my sister and wish her love and light in her continued journey. It’s what allows me to have hope in my healing journey and connectivity to all things within me and around me. It is my grounding. My anchor.

If you have religious or spiritual belief lean into this part of you for support and guidance through your grief and your healing.

Trust in time

My clients hear me say this, A LOT. Trust in timing or to be more accurate, “I trust in timing”. Time does heal. Maybe not entirely heal but what I am experiencing is that there are moments when the grief feels lighter and a little more manageable. I haven’t experienced this consistently though. Grief is not linear, sometimes we feel like we are doing quite well and managing and then the next moment, day or week we are feeling the intense loss and fall into the depths of our sadness all over again. I wake up some days with the thought of, “is this true?”, “Oh no she’s really not here”. With time however, these periods in between feel more spread out. 

Take time to heal, do not rush your process and be kind and gentle with yourself. You can do this and you are not alone. Your brain is trying to make sense of a new reality without your loved one in it the way they used to be. You are relearning to live essentially with loss, building a new life around your grief, hence time is an essential component in your process.

Try to take good care of yourself (when you can) & Breathe.

This blog is dedicated to my sister & soulmate Janki Patel. Her last words in her eulogy she left for us… 

You are strong. You are brave. You are loved. And you are enough just the way you are. All is well. Until we meet again.

Authored: Kavita Patel Co-founder of Relearning Human

For support, connect with our Relearning Human therapists.