Emotional Stuff

Whether we are talking about our colleagues in the office, our social circle or family, we all seek a sense of belonging. According to many self-help gurus, clinicians and even researchers, belonging is being able to accept all parts of you – your darkness and your light and go one step further, and share those parts with those around you

So ask yourself – Where do I belong?

How do I accept my less pretty parts? My anxious parts? My angry parts? My scared parts?

How do I find or create space for myself where I feel a sense of belonging?

Who (what friend, family, colleagues) can I show up as fully (or more fully) myself?

How can I describe how I feel when I do belong?

Who are the people who support me as I am vs. how or who I should be?

I would bet all my pennies that you can name many places where you don’t belong. Maybe you don’t see yourself represented at work, perhaps you wear a mask in your friend group or intentionally withhold parts of yourself with your family. Maybe you struggle to accept those not so great parts of you too. Trust me, I get it. I have parts that I’m not wild about in myself either.

We do this. We separate ourselves from ourselves. We sidestep our needs, wants and desires. Funnily enough, to belong.

For all of us, there are parts of ourselves that we shun and hide away from for fear that if we show up fully as ourselves, as our fucked up, flawed (and beautiful) selves, that we will be rejected as our authentic selves. The trouble is, when we don’t show up authentically, we are already rejecting ourselves.

I don’t promote showing up as fully yourself when it feels overwhelming to do so. There are some people who do not deserve to see you as you are. There are people who, because of their own stuff, can’t appreciate experiences that are different from their own.

Over the years (and in an attempt to figure out “what was wrong with me”), I have been diagnosed with GAD, SA, SAD, PDD, ADHD, PPD, PPA, PTSD. With all these letters, I have more letters attached to my name than a PhD Neurosurgeon!

But how can I be a therapist if I have so many wonky parts? I should have it together right?

Wrong.

No one gets a gold medal for being a human being. No one gets a price for grinning and bearing it. For keeping calm and freaking out alone and not telling anyone how you are feeling – shame those emotions away and you develop IBS or other gut disorders.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t manage your tendencies. But you have to accept those knee jerk reactive parts before you do anything about them. Shame will not create lasting change in your life, neither will avoidance, but acceptance and management will.

I am an imperfect human, an imperfect Mum, partner, friend, daughter, business owner. I practice welcoming my human-ness, in every way. As Rumi says:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)

Experiencing the range of human emotions takes practice when you come from a background, family, or community that has taught you to suppress parts of yourself. To varying degrees, we all struggle with this. From one human to another, thank you for being here and for showing up as human.

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Are You Pretending or Belonging?

The Self

I never really understood my anger until my sister transitioned in 2022. I don’t think I ever needed to confront it until then. Maybe I never wanted to. I talked about being angry openly during this time. I joined boxing for two weeks because I needed to punch something. I was screaming on the inside and needing to release it on the outside. The only thing that I was able to connect to was punching a punching bag. That and screaming in front of a lake or deep in the forest and, when that wasn’t accessible, into my pillow or when driving in the car on the highway. What I learned from this horrific experience is that anger was serving a purpose. There was a benefit in feeling and expressing my anger. I couldn’t mask the anger because it was the only way an emotion, if any, would travel through my body and surface outside of my skin. It was safer for all my other emotions to stay buried deep inside.

We all experience this real-life human experience in some way or form at some point in our lives. Have you? Where your skin is no longer able to contain your emotions? Perfect moment for that expression, “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

There are many reasons we don’t fully want to access our anger. Or don’t know how to. It’s stuck. Especially as women, we are taught that we should not feel angry. Sometimes this message is not as explicit and sometimes the message couldn’t be clearer. What we do hear regardless is that it is not acceptable to be an angry woman. For many women, expressing anger publicly or aggressively can lead to judgment and have grave consequences. Women are often perceived as “too emotional” or “irrational” when they are angry, often reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Then we internalize this judgement, often suppressing, minimizing anger or avoiding confronting the issues, which can create long-term emotional & physical consequences.

Some of the questions/statements I hear from my clients, my close circles and words that have also come out of my mouth are:

“I don’t want to be angry or feel angry”

“I don’t know why I’m so angry”

“I don’t know what to do with my anger, my rage” (this could be symptoms of perimenopause, but I’ll leave that for another blog! Let’s not minimize rage right now!)

“I have no reason to be angry – I have such a good life”

If some of these statements resonate with you, take a minute, breathe and reflect. Your anger needs acknowledgment. And I will tell you this.

IT’S OK THAT YOU FEEL ANGRY.

GIVE YOUR ANGER THE SPACE IT NEEDS.

THE SPACE IT DESERVES.

What did this feel like? If this is your first time truly acknowledging your anger, good for you, you’ve taken the first step in honouring this emotion.

It makes sense that we struggle to feel anger, but just like all the other icky emotions like jealousy or guilt, if we store it for too long, it starts to take a toll on our nervous system, on our organs, our minds and our overall state of being. Here are some of the impacts on our bodies of suppressed anger just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability or passive-aggressive behaviour

Risk of cardiovascular diseases

Headaches

Digestive issues

Weakened immunity or autoimmune diseases

Issues with female sexual/reproductive organs

If you haven’t been acknowledging your anger until now, it may be helpful to learn how to channel your anger in healthier ways (or at least ways that won’t fuel further anger or guilt):

First and Foremost, NAME IT (acknowledging your emotion can help you feel more at ease even with anger).

Use “I” statements. It might sound simple, but it’s not. Anger can be expressed in constructive ways without aggression. “I feel angry.” Say it again. “I feel angry.” “I feel angry when…” This can help us communicate from a place of assertiveness rather than aggression and can foster more productive conversations.

We all need support. SEEKING SUPPORT can help process your emotions. Sometimes knowing that someone understands can alleviate the heaviness of anger. Also a reminder, we are not meant to do any of this alone.

SETTING BOUNDARIES. Anger and resentment can often stem from feeling taken advantage of. Understanding and respecting your own needs and setting boundaries in all of your relationships, (i.e., romantic, peers, etc.) will help you meet them. This will be hard to do, but it is your responsibility to do so. The truth is no one else is going to set these boundaries for you.

The PRACTICE OF PRESENCE & RELAXATION. Practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help you release and process your anger in some way. When we bring awareness to our bodies, we can calm our nervous system, feeling more in charge of our body.

And when peacefulness, relaxation and deep breathing go to shit LET YOUR ANGER BE UGLY.

Your anger doesn’t feel pretty and calm does it? So let it look ugly if it needs to. It’s OK. Scream into the pillow if you need to. Chop wood. Run up a hill and scream at the top. Jump into the water. Take up boxing so you can punch something. Dance. Go to a smash room. Give yourself permission to get ugly with your anger (just don’t hurt yourself or someone else).

There is power in our pain with anger. For many women, expressing anger can feel like straying away from the expected societal mold of being patient, composed, tender and nurturing. Feeling anger and expressing anger doesn’t take any of this away. Both can be true. Anger is a powerful force. It is also freeing when released and not contained. It is also good for your body, mind and soul. So are you ready to explore your anger?

If you need some support in exploring your anger, reach out @relearninghuman.com to our therapists who also experience anger just like you.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

An Angry woman: Permission granted

Emotional Stuff

Have you ever had those moments when you’re alone or with a group of people, and just think, “Who am I?” We spend so much time searching for who we are — and it makes sense. Our identities are so closely tied to us, it can feel like such an astronomical question to ponder. Some people may have such a strong sense of who they are that it’s second nature to them. But for many, when the question “Who am I” arises, it leads to more questions. When we don’t really know what our identity is, we may move through different versions of ourselves or shift based on the people we are around to fit in. But when we get caught up in all of these identities, a fog can form around us, which makes working on understanding who we are so critical to improving our overall happiness and well-being.

There are so many different things that go into who we are and that have a hand in shaping our identities, including:

The people we spend time with — do you ever spend an extended period of time with someone and notice you pick up on their habits or common phrases? Think of your family, friends, loved ones, and others you interact with. These individuals, whether it’s noticeable or not, can be a large part in shaping who we are.
Society – society plays such a large role in our identity as our interactions are shaped around social pressures, how we may feel we need to be seen, social norms, and more.
Labels – identity or other labels may shape how we see ourselves, as well as the labels others give us.
Experiences – and I mean all kinds of experiences can shape us, whether they are positive, negative, or anything in between.

But while these factors can shape our identities, they don’t necessarily have to be held close to our identity, they can simply just be a thing. For instance, our traumas don’t define us, they might have just simply dysregulated our nervous systems. Also, for some people, they may have reminded them of their strengths and that may feel like a significant part of their identity.

While I would love to say that once we understand who we are, we will unlock all of the answers to our identity, the reality is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We are human, always evolving and changing based on our lived experiences. There are things we will learn that remain static, but other things that will change based on the seasons of our lives. So, I would argue that this is a lifelong goal. We may know who we are at the moment, but that might change a little, even if many core aspects of our identity remain the same. And because of this, it is important to keep checking in, making this a process.

But if you’re feeling stuck in the fog and questioning who you are, there are ways to relearn and reconnect with yourself.

Try journaling. It is an unfiltered way to check in with yourself and see where you are right now and track how things are going. If you’re not sure how to do this, you can start documenting things you enjoy now, or alternatively, try this worksheet here.
Explore your interests and hobbies. These are important pieces of you and you can share them with the world if you feel a push to.
Explore your strengths or talents, your passions, and your values.
Is there something that you want to be remembered for? It doesn’t have to be anything extreme; it could just be kindness or humour. This question can reveal a large part of who you are and want to be, as well as the impression you want to leave on others.
Consider who you are when nobody’s around. Sometimes we may feel most like ourselves if we don’t feel we have to perform an identity for others.
And most importantly, spend some time with yourself. Try going beyond just watching a show or scrolling through social media. This is an important practice to carve time out for yourself. It’s helpful to check in with ourselves without the distraction every once in a while.

Remember, this is a lifelong practice, and it can be challenging to learn who we are right now, what our interests are, and in turn, share these with others. But it can be rewarding when we find spaces and people that celebrate who we are, as well as when we do this for ourselves. So try reconnecting with yourself, it may open up new possibilities.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Who Am I? Relearning how to reconnect with yourself

The Self

Stress: acceptance and understanding

Feeling stressed? Me too! As humans, we all feel stress. ¼ of Canadians report feeling “quite a bit” to “extremely” stressed and that’s the problem. The problem is that we don’t know how to manage our stress hormones when they start firing off.

While you can’t change the external situations that cause stress, you can learn how to manage and work with it. Understanding what stress is and how we experience it, is an important first step in accepting and working with stress. Stress is our body’s vital warning system that activates our hard-wired fight-or-flight response. When the brain perceives some kind of external stress, it floods the body with hormones like epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol and can cause a wide variety of physiological symptoms.

While the symptoms associated with stress can feel uncomfortable, it is our friendly evolutionary trait that is trying desperately to help us navigate life’s hurdles. Since we have limited control over what our brain perceives as stressful, we have to work with it instead of avoiding it, surprising it or trying to control it.

Declare a truce with your body and the stress that is a part of our innate wiring. Take this theory of acceptance and put it into play. By following these steps, you will support yourself responding differently to the external stressors that will inevitably happen in your life.

Grab a pen and paper, you’re going to want to take notes:

STEP 1 – Get to know your stress:

In order to make stress work for you, you have to learn what stress feels like in your body so you can become aware of it and manage it in a different way. Think back to a time where your work deadlines were looming, you were feeling sick, your colleague was on vacation and you were left to manage both workloads alone. How did you feel physically and mentally? What does your body feel like as you think back to this stressful situation? How did your body tell you that you’re stressed? Common physiological cues are:

Perspiration

Pounding heart

Trembling hands

Racing thoughts

Tension in shoulders and neck

Nausea, upset stomach and diarrhea

Shortness of breath

For whatever reason, your brain acknowledged the events you just thought of and released stress hormones to help you meet this perceived challenge. We can’t control what our brain sees as a challenge, we can just accept and manage it. By tuning into your body, noting the symptoms of stress, you can make stress help you rise to the occasion instead of having it rule your life.

STEP 2 – Calm your body:

The problem with stress is that it inadvertently causes our mind to race through other pretty uncomfortable symptoms. Calm your body and brain down by using diaphragmatic breathing. Sometimes known as “belly breathing,” diaphragmatic breathing lowers effects of cortisol (the stress hormone) on your body, lowers your heart rate and blood pressure.

This practice will help you calm your body down when you notice symptoms of stress:

Sit comfortably, with your knees bent and your shoulders, head and neck in a relaxed position. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach.
Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out against your hand. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage, on your stomach. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
Tighten your stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.
When you notice symptoms of stress in your body, use diaphragmatic breathing to help your nervous system deactivate and support your body in calming down.

Practice diaphragmatic breathing for one minute a few times per week (this can help you get to sleep too!). I recommend setting an alarm to remind yourself to get your practice in and because your breath is always with you, you can practice anywhere!

Want more mindfulness exercises? ReLearning Human has your back! Check out more here.

STEP 3 – Take a look at your stress thoughts, perspectives and predictions:

Through my work as a social worker and psychotherapist (and as a human who has stress just like you), I have noticed patterns of thoughts that I label ‘stress thoughts.’ These thoughts align with hopelessness, helplessness and are generally catastrophic.

Think of thoughts as the blueprint created through both conscious and unconscious interpretations of our lifetime of experiences. Here are a few examples of what stress thoughts sound like:

“I can’t do this”

“I can’t cope”

“This is unfair”

“This is impossible”

“I don’t have time”

“I’m not going to make it”

If you’re having these thoughts, don’t despair! We all have them and they aren’t always helpful, are they?

Cognitive restructuring is a technique found in cognitive behavioral therapy and is a useful tool in reframing and shifting thought processes. Learning this key skill will help you to be aware of and challenge untrue, unrealistic or distorted thoughts known as cognitive distortions (or unhelpful thinking habits such as all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, predicting the future and many others).

Pause when you notice stress in your body, remind yourself that stress is a completely normal human experience (and how you know for sure that you are not a robot!). Calm down your body using diagrammatic breathing and take a look at what’s going through your mind. Once you pinpoint the external event or situation that has caused your body to activate its stress hormones, don’t react automatically.

Keep breathing and ask yourself the following questions about your stress:

What am I reacting to?
What is it that I think is going to happen here?
In all the times I have thought X, did it ever come to fruition?
What’s the worst (and best) that could happen? What’s most likely to happen?
How is thinking this way helping me?
How important is this really? How important will it be in 6 month’s time? In 1 year?
Am I overestimating the threat?
Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking?
Is there another way of looking at this?
What advice would I give someone else in this situation?
How can I slow this down a bit?
How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control?
What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to
control?
What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do?
Is there another way of dealing with this?
What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)

Cognitive restructuring can be a powerful technique for understanding and working with your stress thoughts. Remember, you cannot control every situation or person, but you can shift your perspective. This is your superpower. If you can reframe your perception of stress, then you can change your overall neuro-wiring and truly change your life.

Like most things, PRACTICE is instrumental in re-training your brain to manage stress differently. Practice each step individually during times of lower stress so you can access these new tools in moments of higher stress.

Takeaways and key learnings:

Accept that stress is part of life and that we all experience various levels of stress most days.
Get to know yourself! Learn about how stress resonates in your body by tuning into your physiological cues.
Learn how to manage any uncomfortable symptoms that stress creates.
Don’t buy into your thoughts – just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

While we all experience stress, we do have the power in learning to manage it. If you want to connect with us, contact us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amiralt, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Teach your brain to manage stress

The Self

Did you drop or quit your New Year’s resolution yet? We are two weeks into the new year so If I could take a guess, most likely you have broken one or two? You may think this is a “negative” outlook from a therapist and maybe my scrougieness hasn’t worn off yet? Probably accurate and what I want to share with you is that it’s OK if you broke or dropped your New Year’s resolution(s). If you did, they were most probably unrealistic, hence unattainable and definitely not sustainable. Or you never really wanted this change in your life? The beautiful, marvelous part about this real life situation is you get to start again. Any time of the year. And hopefully, when you are truly ready or not, but feel a little more determined by/from your internal wisdom and your life, rather than the date and month in the calendar (not to mention the ridiculous societal pressures/construct of NY resolutions). You might not agree with this and that’s OK. But if you are one of the people that have broken a New Year’s resolution, I would challenge you to give it another try… when YOU are ready. Do you know what makes you ready for things? Ready for change?

What does your body feel like?

(Tense, ease, excited for this goal?)

What words are you using to speak to yourself?

(Are you being kind? Mean? Doubtful?)

What does the work and effort required on a weekly/monthly basis look like in order for you to reach your goal?

(Have you done this before? Is the change you are seeking going to shock your body? Your mind? How embedded and committed (willingly, consciously or not) have you been to this pattern you are trying to change and introduce newness? How many years?)

What support system do you have in place?

(Yes, you can ask for help. Who will you reach out to when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns? When this change feels too hard? Do you have an accountability buddy? [I hate this term] Who’s your people?)

Get where I’m going with this? You need a plan. Some kind of plan is required in order for your New Year’s resolution to be attainable. With a realistic plan in place, you may even start to believe that you will be able to reach your goal. It becomes believable, maybe trust in yourself more through experiencing small and consistent change. There is a vision in mind (cheers to you lovers of vision boards and believers in manifestation!). The reason why a plan is key is that we are never really ready for change. Or I should say that our brain is never really ready for change; however, we know we have the ability to change and adapt. With a plan, determination, kindness and compassion to self, belief in one’s strength, internal wisdom, purpose and letting go of the limitations we restrict ourselves by, things can happen. This groundwork is required before & during the occurrence of change. Not always possible as there are external factors to consider, and we don’t have control over those elements. But we can plan with the flexible mindset that plans change and change is constant.

For some of us New Year’s resolutions do work and for some it just doesn’t. It becomes another reason to beat up ourselves and feel discouraged that we failed once again. If you are expecting your brain to adjust and be OK, and even like the change in just one day, week or month you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take time, patience, repetition and desire, discipline and determination (my three favourite “D’s”).

We are only two weeks in so, you have some time to try again if you want and if this change is a priority to you. Before you start again, please ask yourself this. Why the change? Why is it important to YOU now? And if it is truly important to you, what’s the kind, realistic, supportive and sustainable plan you will put into place for yourself? At any time of the year.

If you need some support like we all do in creating a realistic plan in achieving your goals and getting to root issues of why you don’t or feel you can’t, our therapists at ReLearning Human also experience the same human-like challenges and are here to support you when you are ready. Please connect with us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here. If you are not ready to speak to a therapist, you can check out our micro goals worksheet here to guide you with taking small steps in making things happen.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

How’s your New Year’s resolution going?

Navigating Change

Anxiety is a term that most of us barely go a day without hearing from our friends, colleagues, in the media or out in the world, and somehow, we struggle to conceptualize it within ourselves.

Someone once said that the difference between fear and anxiety is that fear is a reaction to something that has happened while anxiety is a fear response to something that hasn’t happened yet.

As I anxiously sit here writing this blog thinking about what my dentist is going to say about my teeth, I can feel my palms start to sweat as I see a mental image of their judgemental face as I wince and whine with every poke and prod (all my braces and maxillofacial surgery folks stand up!). My mind begins to fog over as I hear a distinct alert to cancel the appointment. The whisper of “you can go another day,” “you don’t have time for this,” becomes more audible as I sit thinking. What I am experiencing is anxiety.

The beautiful thing about fear is, when it presents, we react perfectly – the body is wired to survive. When fear is activated, we respond in whatever way we need to in order to manage the presenting danger.

Anxiety is the same, except, the danger that is felt hasn’t happened yet (even if our mind and body says it’s inevitable).

What is anxiety anyways?

Anxiety is our internal alarm system that sounds off when it perceives danger. Note: the word perceive. Unfortunately our lizard brain hasn’t gotten the memo yet that the email from your boss won’t kill you, the person talking shit about you and that an unknown caller isn’t a threat to your survival. That is where most people get stuck – anxiety is not logical and often does not work to manage it. Trust me, if I could say “hey, there isn’t anything to be anxious about, you’re fine,” I would shout it from the rooftops. Because logic usually doesn’t work to manage anxiety, what does?

Because anxiety is usually a future-oriented experience, do whatever you can to come back to the space you are in, back to the present moment. There are many present-focused activities and it is important to have one or two well practiced ones that you can use in an anxious moment. You can read more about coming back to the present here.

What anxiety sounds like:

Everyone’s anxiety voice is different. My voice sounds pretty catastrophic and it is distrusting of my ability to manage challenging situations. Yours might be different but mine sounds like:

“What if” Thoughts: “What if I fail? What if I embarrass myself?”
Future focus: “What if I don’t get the job? What if something happens to my loved ones? What if I can’t handle this?”
Overthinking: “Did I say the wrong thing? What did they think of me? I need to replay that conversation in my head.”
Self-Doubt: “Am I good enough? What if everyone else is more qualified?”
Catastrophizing: “If I mess this up, it will ruin everything I have worked for. I’ll be a failure.”
Hyperawareness of the body: “My heart is racing too fast, am I having a heart attack? What if something is wrong with me? Why can’t I calm down?”
Avoidance Thoughts: “Maybe I should just cancel. It’s too much to handle right now. I can’t do it.”

Anxiety can manifest in a number of ways. Clients I have worked with have identified anxiety showing up in their bodies as:

Racing or palpating heart

Perspiration

Heat through head, neck and chest

Stomach in knots

Racing mind

Tension through jaw, neck and shoulders

Short and shallow breathing

General unease and restlessness

Sleep disturbances and difficulty falling asleep

Managing the above cognitive and physical symptoms is simple but not easy. Start by using your awareness muscle and:

Accept it: stop resisting yourself and let yourself feel anxious.

Name it: “I know it might not be rational but I’m feeling anxious about X and my mind is saying …”

Manage it: When I’m anxious I know that coming back to the present moment is helpful. Present-focused activities include grounding exercises (you can find some here) , mindful activities (available here) , and other tools that I have developed and practiced in therapy.

Move on: instead of focusing on the fact that you were anxious just now, move on. Anxiety will pop up seemingly at random and that’s OK. The less time we spend in the anxious space, the less time we will spend in the anxious space (get it?). We cannot think our way out of challenges, we cannot prepare for every outcome, avoiding hard stuff makes it worse and we are so much more adaptive and resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

Living is challenging enough without having the persistent experience of anxiety. I get it. Looking back, I was a highly anxious kid during the 90’s who had no idea what was happening and despite having medically-focused parents, they couldn’t help me accept, name, manage and move with the anxiety so here I am. A human, just like you who is trying to manage their anxiety day to day through weekly therapy (Elizabeth, you’re the BEST!), daily awareness and mindful practices and a community of people who help enable AND check in on me when I need it. Remember, you aren’t alone in this and there are people who are not only trained, but have experienced something similar to what you are managing now. We are here when you need us – or – when you want us.

If you want to connect with us, you can contact us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Anxiety 101: Back to Basics

The Self

Ever feel like your mind is jumping ahead of your body? It happens so quickly; our brain gets hijacked by future worries. Thinking about what to cook for supper? Then when do I buy the groceries? should I go to the bank first, shit I have to cancel my dentist appointment, I really need to sort out my banking… we are soon spiraling downwards. Breathing more heavily, feeling tightness in our chest or a fogginess clouds our mind. For some of us, this is how our anxiety shows up.

When the thoughts jump out at us, we don’t always notice it right away and we sure get caught up in our anxiety, dysregulated and feel out of control. Because we are. This is until we can bring awareness to our anxiety (name it) and learn to regulate our nervous system. In this moment of awareness, we can come back to our breath. This is the magic of breathing, we have access to it all the time until we don’t, and it doesn’t require a tremendous amount of effort, just practice.

Here are three questions to help bring us back to the now:

1) Where am I?

2) What am I doing?

3) Who am I with?

In order to answer the first question, I have to completely stop. Breathe. Deep breaths and ask myself where am I? Firstly, this is to interrupt my mind from racing, being scared and to remind myself that my body is safe. Maybe at this point I have not entirely convinced my mind but I am present to my surroundings.

Secondly, what am I doing? Again, first I take a few deep breaths, asking myself what EXACTLY I am doing. I bring awareness to what my physical actions are, sometimes to the thoughts in my mind however at this point, not so important. At this moment I am bringing awareness to what I am doing. I am bringing myself back here. Also reminding myself that I am safe.

Who am I with? Am I alone, with someone else? Usually when I’m alone, I draw my attention to my body, most often rubbing my feet together or gently rubbing my arm or even my chin. If I have drifted off into my spiral and I am with someone, I do my best to bring my attention to the person’s eyes or some part of their face that draws my attention, and again, deep breaths and then reestablish connection with this person.

This practice has helped significantly when my mind is racing. It is not so easy, but with practice it can become a useful tool to bring you back to the present moment. With this practice it is also important to hold a space of kindness and non self judgment as you may be learning how to be present for the first time. So, it will take time for your brain to adjust to this newness.

If you would like some guided meditations to help with the practice of being present, coming back to the here & now, check out this link. If you feel you are ready to explore discussing your anxiety and learn other strategies in managing your anxiety with a therapist, check out our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Registered Social Worker/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

How you can come back to Here & Now

The Self

When was the last time you had some rest? Not just sleeping or scrolling through your timeline while you think about the dishes that have to be done — but genuine rest — the kind that feeds your mind and body. With all the things we have to do in a day, it can feel impossible. I know, there’s just never enough time. But the thing is, rest is not a privilege or something you need to earn, it’s a priority. So, when can we simply rest?

If the time we spend taking breaks while thinking about our next task to do isn’t rest, then what is it? Rest is when someone takes a break, physically or mentally, from an activity as a way to recharge. And so, when we are thinking about other things, we aren’t really fitting into this definition.

If you’re still not convinced that finding ways to rest beyond what you have been doing will help, here are a few reasons why you should begin practicing rest. I’m sure if you take a moment to think about it, you’ll come up with a few reasons of your own as to why you owe it to yourself to take a break.

Rest is important for minimizing stress: not only this, but as a practice, it can also be good for avoiding burnout.
When we are rested, we can make better decisions: when we step away from something to rest, we can look at it with a fresh perspective.
Beneficial for our physical health: have you ever noticed that when you’re particularly overwhelmed your body feels off too? Stress and our fight-or-flight response impacts different aspects of our body like digestion, blood pressure, heart rate and hormones. When we rest, we give our bodies the ability to recharge and lessen stress.
Rest can make us more productive: when we force ourselves to get stuff done because we are stuck in a mindset of what is and isn’t productive, we can sometimes start dragging our feet and procrastinating, so we struggle with the task at hand. Rest makes it easier to focus on the task, ultimately improving our ability to complete what we need to do.
Rest can be a form of protest: in a world where we often aren’t given the opportunity to rest, and are even told we shouldn’t, it’s a great act of resistance to rest and prioritize ourselves. Community and being there for others is important, but we can’t always be everything for everyone — and that’s okay too — you can take time for yourself when needed.

It’s one thing to say that rest is helpful, but let’s be honest, it’s also difficult to find time for it. We are so busy these days and the responsibilities pile up. Here’s a few ways to get better rest:

Schedule it in: just like you can schedule other parts of your day, you can schedule rest too. It doesn’t have to take more than 20 minutes, but find a time where you can focus on you and recharge. Scheduling it in may help you stick more to the plan and avoid distractions that take away from your rest time.
Find something you enjoy: your rest time is for you — how you recharge doesn’t have to be typical or make sense to anyone else, it can just be. It may not click right away and you may have to try out different ways to unwind, but if it feels right to you, hold onto it.
Consider what rest means to you: is it more recharging to be with others socially or do you find watching a movie alone under blankets to be more restful?

Don’t know where to start, try these ideas. You may find them helpful or you may not, and that’s okay, we are all different after all. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll lead you somewhere where you can feel rested.

Get active: try moving your body in any way that works for you — go for a walk, hike, or try dance.
Try breathing exercises or similar activities: practices like these can help us to regulate our stress response. Try a few practices and see what works for you. Not sure where to find one that you like? Check out some of our resources here.
Consider your favourite type of media: do you love music? Is there a show or movie that brings you comfort? Try to implement these into your day, but not just as background noise; instead, immerse yourself in it.
Play: when was the last time you played? Play has many benefits for your mental health. You can read more about this here and understand your play style through this worksheet.
Take a nap: sometimes the most basic methods of rest work best. Try resting your mind and body with a nap to recharge.
Find a hobby that fuels you: consider what you enjoy, maybe it’s something creative, playing video games, baking, etc. If the hobby leaves you feeling fulfilled and recharged, it’s rest.

Now, please find some time to rest — it’s okay to prioritize yourself!

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Rest, why is it so difficult?

Navigating Change

…But there might not be. You are human. It’s normal to get carried away with your thoughts and have your mind going here, there and everywhere. Repeat after me, there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me AND there are things I might want to work on that will make life a bit easier or a bit brighter.

As humans we have 70,000 – 100,000 thoughts a day and not all of them are happy and joyous. We can get caught up in some pretty wild and dark thought processes and that’s OK, that’s human. We are hard-wired for safety. You might think “but that meeting I’m ruminating about doesn’t impact my ability to survive” and you are right AND for some reason your brain thinks it does. I’m not going to attack or kill the squirrel when I walk up to it but it runs away anyways. We have to accept what our mind sees as a danger. That is the first step in managing our own version of humanness.

Just because our mind is running a marathon and flitting from thought to thought like some sort of anxious and judgemental Ninja Warrior, doesn’t mean we have to go with it. When your mind runs away, try to become aware of it. Once you become aware of the mental race you’ve been running, exhale. Come back to the room you are in right now.

What day is it?

What time?

Are you seated or standing?

What are you wearing?

Can you feel the weight of your clothes on your body?

Can you feel the support of the chair under your butt or your feet on the floor?

Do you notice anything around you?

Any noises you can hear?

Can you feel your hands? Your pinky fingers?

Orient back to the here and now and train your brain. It sounds easy doesn’t it? It is not. Noticing when your mind has wandered off, away from the present moment and bringing it back is hard work. You deserve to give yourself credit for that hard work. Simply training your mind can help manage a whole host of mental experiences like: anxiety, depression, insomnia, stress, anger and more. We all have stuff, baggage, and things that are either getting in the way of us living our lives or things we just want to work on and manage.

This type of activity is mindfully-based using your senses. Mindfulness is a really simple process of recognizing when the mind has wandered off into thought and coming back to the present moment. There are lots of ways to practice mindfulness including guided meditation, visualization, grounding techniques and lots more. You can find free resources for this here.

Being a human is not easy. You likely have a lot on your mind and are managing a lot (even if your mind says it’s not that much). If you feel like you have done the self-help routine, if you have tried therapy, if you have tried alone reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support.

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Frantic mind? There might be something wrong…

Emotional Stuff

As an addict (smoking) in recovery, I spent a lot of time outside watching massive Toronto squirrels. Moving from the East Coast, I had never seen anything like them before. They are twitchy, resourceful and fast. Because they have to be. Just like us, they are living in a world as both predator and prey. You might be rolling your eyes and thinking “Humans are top of the food chain.” I can’t argue with that BUT I do think that as animals, humans feel less safe than we care to admit. Don’t believe me? If you let your mind roam for a minute or two, where does it go?

Are you:

Ruminating about a past conversation?

Anticipating something coming up today or this week?

Engaging in a hypothetical argument?

Struggling to get to sleep or stay asleep at night?

Judging or comparing yourself or your values to other people?

Avoiding certain people, places or experiences?

Beating yourself up over a mistake you made?

Repeating a conversation that was had?

Over-analyzing a piece of feedback?

Becoming angry remembering something someone said or did?

Engaging in “what if” types of thoughts?

If you sat peaceful and zen for a few minutes (no, disassociation and numbing do not count), I’m happy for you. If not, your mind might be working hard to keep you safe from perceived dangers. I know, I know, your performance evaluation or upcoming third date isn’t inherently dangerous yet here you are, thinking about it.

All humans, all animals have things that they perceive as dangerous. These things might not be logically or rationally a threat to survival but the brain and body systems send off little alarm bells (cue anxiety, panic, insomnia, OCD, depression and other experiences) to keep us safe. Think of those squirrels who run away from people trying to feed them or just walking near them. The people did not have any intention of harming them and yet the squirrel ran because it is hardwired to seek safety even if it doesn’t make logical sense. We are just like those squirrels.

Yes we have access to logical reasoning, emotional regulation and complex reasoning, but we have to USE IT.

If you are:

Imagining the future

Getting stuck in the past

Struggling to regulate your anger, excitement, and other emotions

Shutting down in conflict

Experiencing insomnia

Avoiding conflict

Overthinking

Feeling exhausted and like you are fried by the end of the day

Not being honest with yourself or others

Not advancing in your career or relationships the way you want to

(and many more human experiences)

The likelihood is that your Nervous System is stuck and you are not able to access those highly human traits of reasoning, regulation and other advanced human traits. Remember, just because we are wired to survive doesn’t mean we have to settle for survival. Through consistent practice and mental evolution,cognitive rewiring is possible.

Being stuck is not the problem. It’s human to be stuck sometimes. Staying stuck might be the problem, and if it is, we are here to help.

Want to take the next step? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support you. If you’re feeling nervous about the next steps and want to better understand the process, you can read Getting Started here.

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

The Evolving Human

The Self

RELEARNING
HUMAN

Do the work

partners in care

Emotional Stuff

RELEARNING
HUMAN

Do the work

RELEARNINGHUMAN

Do the work

partners in care

Emotional Stuff

RELEARNINGHUMAN

Do the work

RELEARNING
HUMAN

RELEARNING
HUMAN