I never really understood my anger until my sister transitioned in 2022. I don’t think I ever needed to confront it until then. Maybe I never wanted to. I talked about being angry openly during this time. I joined boxing for two weeks because I needed to punch something. I was screaming on the inside and needing to release it on the outside. The only thing that I was able to connect to was punching a punching bag. That and screaming in front of a lake or deep in the forest and, when that wasn’t accessible, into my pillow or when driving in the car on the highway. What I learned from this horrific experience is that anger was serving a purpose. There was a benefit in feeling and expressing my anger. I couldn’t mask the anger because it was the only way an emotion, if any, would travel through my body and surface outside of my skin. It was safer for all my other emotions to stay buried deep inside.

We all experience this real-life human experience in some way or form at some point in our lives. Have you? Where your skin is no longer able to contain your emotions? Perfect moment for that expression, “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

There are many reasons we don’t fully want to access our anger. Or don’t know how to. It’s stuck. Especially as women, we are taught that we should not feel angry. Sometimes this message is not as explicit and sometimes the message couldn’t be clearer. What we do hear regardless is that it is not acceptable to be an angry woman. For many women, expressing anger publicly or aggressively can lead to judgment and have grave consequences. Women are often perceived as “too emotional” or “irrational” when they are angry, often reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Then we internalize this judgement, often suppressing, minimizing anger or avoiding confronting the issues, which can create long-term emotional & physical consequences.

Some of the questions/statements I hear from my clients, my close circles and words that have also come out of my mouth are:

“I don’t want to be angry or feel angry”

“I don’t know why I’m so angry” 

“I don’t know what to do with my anger, my rage” (this could be symptoms of perimenopause, but I’ll leave that for another blog! Let’s not minimize rage right now!)

“I have no reason to be angry – I have such a good life”

If some of these statements resonate with you, take a minute, breathe and reflect. Your anger needs acknowledgment. And I will tell you this.

IT’S OK THAT YOU FEEL ANGRY. 

GIVE YOUR ANGER THE SPACE IT NEEDS.

THE SPACE IT DESERVES.

What did this feel like? If this is your first time truly acknowledging your anger, good for you, you’ve taken the first step in honouring this emotion.

It makes sense that we struggle to feel anger, but just like all the other icky emotions like jealousy or guilt, if we store it for too long, it starts to take a toll on our nervous system, on our organs, our minds and our overall state of being. Here are some of the impacts on our bodies of suppressed anger just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability or passive-aggressive behaviour

Risk of cardiovascular diseases

Headaches

Digestive issues

Weakened immunity or autoimmune diseases

Issues with female sexual/reproductive organs 

If you haven’t been acknowledging your anger until now, it may be helpful to learn how to channel your anger in healthier ways (or at least ways that won’t fuel further anger or guilt):

First and Foremost, NAME IT (acknowledging your emotion can help you feel more at ease even with anger).

Use “I” statements. It might sound simple, but it’s not. Anger can be expressed in constructive ways without aggression. “I feel angry.” Say it again. “I feel angry.” “I feel angry when…” This can help us communicate from a place of assertiveness rather than aggression and can foster more productive conversations.

We all need support. SEEKING SUPPORT can help process your emotions. Sometimes knowing that someone understands can alleviate the heaviness of anger. Also a reminder, we are not meant to do any of this alone.

SETTING BOUNDARIES. Anger and resentment can often stem from feeling taken advantage of. Understanding and respecting your own needs and setting boundaries in all of your relationships, (i.e., romantic, peers, etc.) will help you meet them. This will be hard to do, but it is your responsibility to do so. The truth is no one else is going to set these boundaries for you.

The PRACTICE OF PRESENCE & RELAXATION. Practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help you release and process your anger in some way. When we bring awareness to our bodies, we can calm our nervous system, feeling more in charge of our body.

And when peacefulness, relaxation and deep breathing go to shit LET YOUR ANGER BE UGLY.

Your anger doesn’t feel pretty and calm does it? So let it look ugly if it needs to. It’s OK. Scream into the pillow if you need to. Chop wood. Run up a hill and scream at the top. Jump into the water. Take up boxing so you can punch something. Dance. Go to a smash room. Give yourself permission to get ugly with your anger (just don’t hurt yourself or someone else).

There is power in our pain with anger. For many women, expressing anger can feel like straying away from the expected societal mold of being patient, composed, tender and nurturing. Feeling anger and expressing anger doesn’t take any of this away. Both can be true. Anger is a powerful force. It is also freeing when released and not contained. It is also good for your body, mind and soul. So are you ready to explore your anger?

If you need some support in exploring your anger, reach out @relearninghuman.com to our therapists who also experience anger just like you.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human