The Relearning Blog

Perfect doesn’t exist — it can be a painful sentence to hear and I’m sorry if it seems harsh, but it’s true. It can be especially difficult to come to terms with when it feels like we’ve been wired to be perfect all of the time. I get it, I really do, but it’s exhausting, right? The need to overachieve, sometimes overworking to reach high standards we set for ourselves, still not being happy with the outcome, and then the cycle repeats.  

While perfect doesn’t exist, perfectionism does, and this separate entity can feel really heavy at times. So why don’t we start with defining exactly what perfectionism is. Perfectionism is the tendency to create high standards of what may be deemed “perfect.” These high standards we set out for ourselves, may often lead to being hyper-critical of choices and what we’ve done. And this can find its way into various parts of our lives — if you’re not exactly sure how, think of aiming to get 100% on a test, but also applying this mindset to work, different relationships, social interactions, etc.

Perfectionism can be a bit of a downward spiral that we get trapped in, as a result, perfectionism can lead to different experiences, such as:

• An increase in anxiety and depression
• Higher levels of self-doubt and lower self-esteem
• Being overly critical of ourselves
• A decrease in productivity
• Not feeling like you’re living in the present because of overthinking about the past and what may be perceived as mistakes, as well as being worried about the future and the ability to perform
• An impact in functioning when perfect standards aren’t met 
• And overall, potentially spiralling into nothing ever feeling good enough

It can be helpful to explore where perfectionism stems from. This can help to quiet the anxieties around the need to be perfect all the time, especially when we realize that more often than not, the voice of “perfect” wasn’t originally ours to begin with. Perfectionism comes from the way we are conditioned — some of our earliest experiences are defined by the way we perform and that perpetuates into various stages of our lives. Because of this, it can be difficult to distance ourselves from these standards when so many facets of life can seem dependent on it, even when we aren’t fully conscious of it happening. But it is not impossible, no matter how daunting it can seem at times.

So how can we work with the desire to be perfect and lean toward acceptance? There are a few steps we can take:

• First, acknowledging that perfect doesn’t exist is a big step. We are all human and that means it gets messy and imperfect, and that’s okay.
• Remember, that when we make mistakes, it’s not a reflection of who we are or what we are capable of, it’s just a mistake. And mistakes are okay to make. 
• Understanding that it is hard to break out of this mindset; it’s all a process, sometimes it will be easier and other times it will be harder.
• Work through the stress associated with perfectionism — for instance, through journaling (not sure where to start or experiencing writer’s block? Start with this worksheet here).
• As well, perfectionism can be associated with fear of failure or other fears we experience. If this sounds familiar, it might be helpful to explore the fear and work toward facing it. You can learn about facing your fears here and try this worksheet here.
• Finally, one way to work on accepting that being perfect doesn’t exist could be to do something outside of your comfort zone that requires a little bit of practice. By doing this, you’re taking something where the perceived risk is small and working with it to overcome the need to be perfect in whatever it is that you’re doing. In my case, I decided I wanted to learn to crochet. And while I started with some basic tutorials, I still managed to make many funny mistakes along the way. Even now, I will sometimes look at a project and have a moment where I know that I haven’t followed a pattern correctly, but I choose to laugh at it and accept the imperfection. 

While it can feel overwhelming at times, there are ways to move through perfectionism rather than be run by it. Want support with this? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com .

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW