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The Relearning Blog
That’s what your mind tells you and yet here you are, feeling the way that you do. What do you want to do about this?
Maybe you have heard or even tried saying some of the following:
“Other people have it worse”
“There is no reason for me to feel this way”
“This doesn’t matter”
“I shouldn’t feel like this”
“This isn’t a big deal”
“I’m too sensitive”
Sound familiar?
If so, you have two options about how to move forward:
- You can ignore your experience or try to gaslight them away by denying they exist and are real
- You can accept that something activated or triggered you and manage it in a way that doesn’t make you feel like s***, piss you off or numb you out
If you’re in the self-gaslighting phase that’s OK. A lot of folks we work with have a pattern of denying their emotional experience. As therapists we even do it ourselves sometimes! You are not alone in not wanting to feel challenging and big emotions. There are a number of reasons that your knee jerk response is to deny your emotional reality. Here are a few reasons why you might be gaslighting yourself:
- Social Expectations: Society holds certain expectations on how you ‘should’ feel or behave in certain situations. These expectations often lead to feelings of guilt or shame if your emotions don’t align with these expectations.
- Internalized Beliefs: You have been taught that certain emotions are unacceptable or bad (anyone else put in time out when they were a kid?). This can lead to self-criticism and judgment when you experience these normal human emotions.
- Fear of Judgment & Self-Judgement: You might worry about how others will judge us for feeling the way that you do. This can lead you to think that you shouldn’t be feeling a certain way.
I could write that it’s easy and simple and follow these six steps and you will overcome your overwhelm, manage your anger and make everyone in your life happy…. But I won’t bullshit you.
Often we learn how to act when we experience emotions somewhere and it can be challenging to break out of these patterns. And therapy can help you figure out where you are getting stuck and how to move forward.
If you aren’t ready for therapy yet, you can start by naming your reality without judgment (the non-judgement part is key):
“I feel pissed off”
“I’m overwhelmed”
“I am feeling X”
Once you have given the feeling a name or identified that you are feeling something (instead of running around slamming cupboards or drinking a bottle of wine) see if you can really picture the emotions in your body using ReLearning Human’s emotion mapping tool : https://relearninghuman.com/resources)
This work isn’t easy and it is the foundation for all other awareness and therapeutic work. It’s tough, but you, you are tougher. ReLearning Human is here if you need us.
Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW and co-founder of ReLearning Human
