The Relearning Blog

It’s been almost two decades since I’ve worked with humans in some therapeutic setting. Life topics and challenges and how they shape us as human beings always takes center stage. And I think it’s fair to say, and all my single clients would concur, it has never been this difficult to date in this time and space in which we live. We live within the illusion of connection and this is the problem. In this digital world, with texting, AI, TikTok Ing, there are more and more reasons as to why human-to-human connection may prove difficult. And yet, what all the single folks wish for is a deeper, meaningful, connected companionship. So, how do we continue to date in such a disconnected world? Here are some things I’ve noted along the way.

Barriers that might get in the way:

Quantity over quality: conversations can often feel transactional and because dating apps deliver in volume, there may be a lack of commitment to the date or dating itself. “Maybe there’s a better option,” “someone who ticks all my boxes.” These beliefs can manifest as behaviours such as not responding to texts in a timely manner, ghosting, not being fully present during the date and showing up on the date for the sake of “ticking the box.”

Zero vulnerability: It will be impossible to get to know someone for who they are if you are not willing to show up and reveal who you are. Transparency and vulnerability, believe it or not, is contagious. It helps us feel more connected as human beings, but the truth is we are too afraid of being vulnerable. For fear of judgment and the big one, fear of rejection.

Squirrely brain: we are so distracted and attached to a digital world that does not rest. Our attention is constantly divided between apps, social media feeds, pings, emails, calls and is addicted to instant gratification and dopamine hits. Real intimacy takes time, intention, presence, discomfort, patience and commitment to the process.

Loneliness can be very loud: it’s become an epidemic. Loneliness. And people in relationships are also reporting this sense of loneliness if that’s any consolation. Connection is not just about being physically present but it’s being present on purpose. A desire, a want to be around that person. If there isn’t a felt sense of connection, no meaningful conversations, aligned values that contribute to forming emotional safety, then dating can feel extremely lonely. And aimless. 

So, here’s the thing: there’s no easy way around this and you’re not going to be too pleased with what comes next. But these points are always broached and explored in my client sessions. Here are some things that you could do differently when you decide to date more intentionally:

TAKE RISKS: AKA, BE VULNERABLE

Show up and be present on the date: make eye contact with the person. Be present and put your phone away.

Be intentional: you don’t need to respond right away but really take the time to read someone’s messages or what they are sharing with you face-to-face and respond with intention. So slow down. Be responsive, less reactive.

Be honest: share what you are looking for. It’s OK to do this on the first date. Better to filter out all the noise and get to the things that are important and meaningful to you.

Be curious: stop asking questions just to ask questions and because you are uncomfortable with silence. Let there be silence, it’s another perfect opportunity to observe how you feel around this person in silence. Ask the questions that you are really curious about.

Stop judging yourself & practice self-compassion: there is no wrong or right way of dating. And feeling the awkwardness and the pressures of “how will I be on the date” has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself rather than the person sitting across from you that you’ve known for a minute. You are enough just the way you are, so be kind to yourself with this process.

Get to know yourself: in such a disconnected world, it’s more of a reason to get even more connected with ourselves. The more we know what we want, need, value, the more we can attract someone who can meet us there. This is your job to figure it out, the rest will fall into place. 

Real connection is out there, but you need to put down your phone (once you secure a date if you’re using a dating app 😊). Seriously. It’s already noisy enough, so many distractions and digital detours. As humans, what remains the same at its core is we all want to be seen, heard, truly known and accepted. So, the truth is, it doesn’t matter how “perfect” your profile is or your AI texts. What forms true connection is presence, vulnerability, and consistent effort. That’s a true and real connection and I have hope that it’s out there for each and every one of us.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human