The Relearning Blog

Whether we are talking about our colleagues in the office, our social circle or family, we all seek a sense of belonging. According to many self-help gurus, clinicians and even researchers, belonging is being able to accept all parts of you – your darkness and your light and go one step further, and share those parts with those around you

So ask yourself – Where do I belong? 

How do I accept my less pretty parts? My anxious parts? My angry parts? My scared parts? 

How do I find or create space for myself where I feel a sense of belonging? 

Who (what friend, family, colleagues) can I show up as fully (or more fully) myself?

How can I describe how I feel when I do belong?

Who are the people who support me as I am vs. how or who I should be? 

I would bet all my pennies that you can name many places where you don’t belong. Maybe you don’t see yourself represented at work, perhaps you wear a mask in your friend group or intentionally withhold parts of yourself with your family. Maybe you struggle to accept those not so great parts of you too. Trust me, I get it. I have parts that I’m not wild about in myself either.

We do this. We separate ourselves from ourselves. We sidestep our needs, wants and desires. Funnily enough, to belong.

For all of us, there are parts of ourselves that we shun and hide away from for fear that if we show up fully as ourselves, as our fucked up, flawed (and beautiful) selves, that we will be rejected as our authentic selves. The trouble is, when we don’t show up authentically, we are already rejecting ourselves. 

I don’t promote showing up as fully yourself when it feels overwhelming to do so. There are some people who do not deserve to see you as you are. There are people who, because of their own stuff, can’t appreciate experiences that are different from their own. 

Over the years (and in an attempt to figure out “what was wrong with me”), I have been diagnosed with GAD, SA, SAD, PDD, ADHD, PPD, PPA, PTSD. With all these letters, I have more letters attached to my name than a PhD Neurosurgeon! 

But how can I be a therapist if I have so many wonky parts? I should have it together right?

Wrong.

No one gets a gold medal for being a human being. No one gets a price for grinning and bearing it. For keeping calm and freaking out alone and not telling anyone how you are feeling – shame those emotions away and you develop IBS or other gut disorders. 

That doesn’t mean that you can’t manage your tendencies. But you have to accept those knee jerk reactive parts before you do anything about them. Shame will not create lasting change in your life, neither will avoidance, but acceptance and management will. 

I am an imperfect human, an imperfect Mum, partner, friend, daughter, business owner. I practice welcoming my human-ness, in every way. As Rumi says:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)

Experiencing the range of human emotions takes practice when you come from a background, family, or community that has taught you to suppress parts of yourself. To varying degrees, we all struggle with this. From one human to another, thank you for being here and for showing up as human. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human