The Relearning Blog

When you think of the birth of life you think of the golden hour, of skin to skin contact between parent and child, of tired yet joyous parents. Trauma during birth or “birth trauma” steals those moments. Steals  hope and preconceived beauty from you and replaces it with panic, terror and disassociation.

My daughter was born November 15, 2022 in an emergency c-section after a medical error. The medical team didn’t call it an error, but it was. After the birth I vaguely remember social workers, patient advocates (or something similar) coming to visit. I had a number of cards of people to call to discuss my experience and also give feedback to the hospital. Even writing that… I’m trying to justify to myself, maybe to you, that it was traumatic. 

The first part of managing trauma is accepting it as trauma. I wasn’t able to do that for a long time. It’s hard even now, 20 months later. I can still hear the bargaining part of my brain saying, “It wasn’t that bad,” “You didn’t die, she didn’t die.”

My daughter was not breathing at birth. I don’t know what happened when she was born. Of course I know, but I don’t. I remember seeing the medical team surrounding her. I’ve read the surgical reports and I still don’t understand. Or maybe I can’t understand. She went to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) after being held by her Dad for a moment. There was an instinctual part of me that knew I shouldn’t hold her. It’s so hard to write that, even now I can feel the shame crawling up my throat. I was too wrapped up in what I had gone through to be there for her. Her birth was one of the first experiences of shame I felt as a Mother.

Over the next few months it felt like my world had shattered. And in many ways, it still does feel like that. Instead of trying to keep it all together, I try to find beauty in the shatters. I’m not trying to pick up the pieces anymore. Everything we experienced in those early months connects together:

• Because we were separated, we struggled with breastfeeding and feeding in general
• She struggled to gain weight so we had appointments everyday for what felt like weeks

For me:

• Insomnia, shame, anxiety, depression, flashbacks and the fatigue, nausea, disconnection, tingling and weight that comes along with those experiences 
• The intense nerve pain that had me shopping for black market gabapentin. Getting in and out of the car was excruciating for all of the follow-up visits 
• Rage in all its fucking glory 
• Avoidance of any possible reminders of birth
• Intrusive and disturbing thoughts and images 

The shame is so loud sometimes. Still. When people, family, compare our story to theirs. 

“My daughter had a c-section and she was fine.”

“I didn’t have to use soothers because we didn’t have a problem breast-feeding.”

“None of my children had any problems gaining weight.”

“You will get over this.”

“You did it, you must be so happy!”

“These years are so precious.”

“Come for a visit, we would love to see you.”

“You need to be more flexible.”

“Well I hemorrhaged after the birth….” 

I can look now and understand that the people who make these comments mean no harm and are just doing what humans do – shielding themselves from the hard stuff, the stuff that we try to ignore, trying to find space, understanding or reprieve in my story. 

There is no comparison, there is no diminishing, there is just the trauma that my body holds when I speak or write of our story. That living experience is still there and needs support instead of shame. Were other births more medically complex? Absolutely. Do other people have less manageable challenges to their birth experience? Yes. And yet, there the trauma is. No matter how much I try to get away from it, it’s still there. 

The minds of others do not get to decide what is and what is not trauma. 

The term postpartum has an air or an insinuation attached that it ends. Like somehow, someday I will be the same as before and I have an inner knowing that I won’t. 20 months later and I am still taken back to that day. The panic rises through my chest as the claws of panic take hold of my throat, my breath stops, eyes well and glaze as the fog comes into my mind. I feel as if I am choking underwater. 

Because I will never ‘get over’ this, I will never ‘get over’ the trauma of this birth. The day that was meant to be connected and beautiful and loving was filled with miscommunication, error and terror. The weeks and months following were full of invalidation, dismissing and comparison. Maybe one day my body will react less. Maybe it won’t. 

And that’s OK.

Instead of getting over it, I am practicing acceptance. Acceptance of my experience and the reactions that have ebbed and flowed everyday since. Acceptance that other people manage their pain in the way that they manage it and that it has nothing to do with me. Accepting that the week leading up to and on the day of my daughter’s birth, I will struggle. It’s OK to not be OK. Being not OK can be managed. 

There is a hype of the “how to’s, when to’s, who to’s, how many to’s” in the wild world of dating and romantic relationships. Whether you are looking for the “right” person (I’m sorry if you still think this is a thing), or you have been with who you thought was the right person and are still questioning it after 15 years of togetherness, then continue reading. You are exactly where you need to be.

You are one of the many humans out there who are trying to figure out this “love thing” or maybe not even love as the way we have been conditioned to think about it, but maybe the “companionship” thing. Can it be that they are the same thing? Maybe one just sounds sexier than the other. 

As human beings we are all seeking a sense of belonging and companionship. Makes sense right? To want company, to want to belong. To want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We are wired to seek this out, however we may be complicating our need for belonging more than we need to. We tend to do this as humans, don’t we? I’m not simplifying the complexities of a romantic relationship by any means. I can’t even, even if I tried. Romantic relationships are a beast, a chaotic and beautiful ecosystem in their own right. 

Truth is, as adults we do not allow ourselves (because most of us have learnt that it is unsafe) to be vulnerable with our feelings. Whether it be on our first dates, or with our partner of 20 years who has commandeered the right side of the couch. 

Some reasons that often prevent us from sharing and being our authentic selves and expressing our feelings is nestled in how we have learned to perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. These views are created by our earlier relational bonds. How we were loved, cared for, learnt about safety or feeling unsafe as a child, etc. From these learnings, most of us hold on tight to our shame, insecurities, pain, trauma that on the surface may look like resentment, anger, frustration of wanting something else perhaps or wanting to be someone we are not. Or the classic one, wanting our partners to be someone they are clearly not.

These views of ourselves can get in the way of being ourselves, our true selves and as a result, blocking the possibility of feeling connected in any relationship. So maybe we need to get back to the basics. Here are some very basic, very hard, very important, and maybe helpful questions that can get you started on figuring out what you want in a relationship (the one with yourself too) and/or what’s blocking you from being in one or jumping out of one.

What does your blueprint of a relationship look like? 

Who’s your role model for a healthy relationship? Do you have one?

What are you looking for in a partner? Why?

What are you willing to contribute in a relationship and offer to your partner? (Yes this is required of you.)

What do you feel in your body when you are close to your partner? 

Are your core values aligned? Do you know what yours are? Do you know theirs? 

(Yes you can ask this on your first date. What do you have to lose?)

Are you willing to put your ego aside? (There is no room for ego in a relationship if you want it to work.) 

If not, what’s stopping you?

Are you expressing your needs and wants? (No, your partner cannot read your mind, I don’t care how long you have been together!)

Relationships are so complex, and the one with ourselves is probably the most complex. Have you been able to answer these basic questions honestly? I commend you for even trying to answer them and if you had some difficulty in answering honestly, it’s OK. No one is judging you but yourself. If you are wondering why it was difficult for you, curious to learn more about yourself, the way you show up in relationships or why you’re not in one, you can reach out with our therapists at ReLearning Human (https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team)  who can help facilitate a deeper dialogue with you. To hold a safe space for you  so you can start to answer some of these questions, honestly. It’s hard, but not impossible. Maybe basic but not so simple and if you are still reading, it’s possibly because you’re wanting some kind of change in your life? Maybe you’re ready to take a chance, take care of your mental health to help you get back to some real connections.

Oh and a little nugget of hope there may be the “right enough” person out there 😉

Authored by: Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Individual & Couples Therapist and Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

The world of psychotherapy has expanded expediently in the past couple of years with emerging new therapists and their private practices. Addressing mental health and ensuring that there are sufficient resources available for the public is crucial. However there remains question and concern of therapists and their practice or lack thereof with boundary setting. What am I basing this on? I have had clients share their experiences of previous therapists disclosing their own personal challenges in sessions. Some therapists crying longer and louder and clients leave their sessions feeling like they need to hold space for their therapist rather than the other way around. It does happen, it is happening and can be an incredibly harmful experience for clients. It is necessary to explore, discuss and understand the importance of boundary setting between a therapist and their client. It appears as to what may have been an obvious practice in the therapy world once upon a time may not be the case today. 

Boundaries are important in creating a secure, safe and healthy client-therapist relationship. They are crucial for establishing a professional and ethical space in which therapy can take place. Only with strong boundaries we allow clients to be vulnerable and able to explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences without fearing judgment. These are the building blocks of a true therapeutic relationship. 

It is the therapist’s responsibility to create the boundaries. 

To give you an example the following are what boundaries may look like

Confidentiality: Your therapist’s role is to uphold strict confidentiality to protect your privacy. They are not to disclose any personal information about their clients and sessions without consent. There is an exception to this rule when there are specific legal or ethical situations where a disclosure is mandated (i.e. – harm to self or others). 

Emotional boundaries: Your therapist can empathise, nurture, support and co create a secure attachment with you without becoming personally involved or emotionally dependent. The balance between being supportive and maintaining objectivity is key.

Physical boundaries: Your therapist respects your physical space, asks if physical touch is ok (i.e.- hand on knee for comfort or a reach to touch your arm, handshake, hug or even touch during a guided/relaxation meditation). When appropriate and foremost consensual, this can support the therapeutic process. However physical contact is generally limited in a therapy session.

Financial: Your therapist has provided you with transparent information around the fees, cancellation and late fee policy. Your therapist might be understanding of a one off event with late payment or last-minute cancellation (hey life happens right) but appropriately addresses this with you if it starts to become a pattern. 

You have a right to a boundaried therapist

Ideally, your therapist should be receiving training and supervision to ensure they uphold these boundaries effectively throughout their practice. You have a right to a boundaried therapist so your mental health and therapy journey can feel safe, secure and fully supported. If this is your first time in therapy or your tenth time giving it a go, you are allowing yourself the opportunity to learn and experience a healthy, caring, supportive and boundary-ed relationship. This learning can sometimes feel like your new blueprint for relationships. It can extend into other relationships and model what healthy boundaries can look like, and more importantly, feel like. By addressing boundary issues directly, you can ensure that your therapy journey is supportive of your mental health goals.

Some tips for you if your therapist is unboundaried

Think it over: Reflect on the event or therapist behaviours that concerns you. Has there been a violation, inappropriate or discomfort with therapists’ personal disclosures, etc.? What is your gut feeling?

Talk it out: You can discuss your concerns directly with your therapist. Although this may feel daunting, it is important to express how you perceive the boundary issue and what you are uncomfortable with. You can do this calmly and respectfully.

Clarity: This may be a misunderstanding. Seeking clarification from your therapist about their boundaries, the therapeutic frame and their approach will help if there has been a misstep in communication, etc.

The response: A professional therapist will be open to discussing your concerns and any issues that arise. They will take your concerns seriously and work towards repairing any injury within the therapeutic relationship and in rebuilding the professional relationship.

Reporting ethical concerns: If you feel that there are ethical violations you may consider reporting them to their licensing board or professional association. These organizations have support in place to address ethical complaints and ensure accountability. 

Don’t give up hope! Seek out another therapist: It would be discerning and may dissuade you from seeking out another therapist. Please don’t give up and continue to prioritize your mental health and well being by seeking out support from another therapist. 

Therapists are human too, we have feelings, common lived experiences with our clients often mirroring our own fears, judgments, shame, joy, excitement, happiness, etc. However, there is a power imbalance between client and therapist leaving no room and opportunity to become friends. Setting boundaries with clients means we are conducting ourselves in a professional and ethical manner, protecting our clients interests and establishing trust. Boundaries also help in preventing dependence which allows clients to feel empowered, grow and develop skills to live healthier lives. 

If you are searching for a safe space in therapy, you can find an ethically sound and boundaried therapist at Relearning Human. Connect with us @relearninghuman.com

Authored: Kavita Patel RSW and co-founder of ReLearning Human

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” – Viktor Frankl.

Your phone dings and you immediately check for a message while eating dinner with your family

You walk by a bakery and start salivating and tears come to your eyes before your brain clues into your memories of freshly baked bread 

You see crumbs on the floor and become angry at your roommates (is that just me?)

An email comes through and you immediately start thinking “it’s my day off, why are they emailing”  

As humans we are constantly observing and reacting to stimulus (sights, sounds, emotions, thoughts). When we are moving about life in a reactive state, there isn’t time or space for our logical mind to kick in. Reading this you might think “well, I’m pretty logical and self-aware, I don’t need therapy”.  Think again. 

If you sometimes:

• Avoid conflict or shut down and retreat in conflict 
• Feel defensive and criticized with feedback 
• Blame other people or situations for your problems 
• Have blow up fights (including hypothetical fights in your mind)
• Replay conversations in your mind and overthink
• Feel blindsided or surprised by other peoples actions 

You might not be as aware as you think and that’s OK. Very few people are intrinsically self aware (I’ve never met someone who is). You can practice self-awareness and see great changes  through this simple practice. 

Stop what you are doing 

• When you feel yourself reacting – stop. Freeze. Say something like “I’m reacting” or “I’m reactive” (if you’re a nerd like me you can say “My amygdala has taken over”).

Take a breath – get our of your mind and into your body

• Tune into your body and create intentionality around your breathing. Notice how your lungs expand and contract with every breath you take. Slow everything down. If your mind is racing, keep breathing and focusing on your breath until it starts to slow. 

Label what’s going on (this is the hardest part because we don’t like to feel those damn emotions) 

• I feel angry, I feel anxious, I feel upset, I feel overwhelmed, I feel some kind of way 

Problem solve

This will look different for everyone. For me it includes breathing, prioritizing, asking for help, taking a break (2 mins), letting go of tasks, journaling, emailing my therapist in a panic, feeling through the emotion. 

Everyone’s process and problem solving will look different because we are all wired differently. What works for you might be detrimental for someone else. It’s important that you find a plan that works for you. Explore ReLearning Humans No B.S. Resources and team members anytime. You don’t have to do this alone, we are here to support when you are ready. 

Humans are not so different from computers. As humans, we are only able handle so much before we start to lag, short circuit, overheat and explode. Our bandwidth (pun intended) to manage information, experiences and stimulus depends on a number of factors including hormones, our sleep, weather, over-all health and nourishment, feelings of connection and many others. 

One of the challenging things about being human is that we actually haven’t evolved that much AND we believe we are much more evolved than we are. Our nervous system is still wired to constantly be on the lookout for anything that might impact our ability to survive. Yes, I am referring to the email notification, text message or upcoming doctor’s appointment that has us in a mental frenzy. 

What your mind perceives as dangerous is out of your control. What is within your control is how you respond when your brain jumps into survival mode. Being aware when your survival brain has taken over is a learned skill. Once you become aware of that, you can train your brain and body to cool down and respond instead of react.

One of the ways we can “restart” our system is by breathing. Slowing down and tuning in to our breathing signals to our parasympathetic system that we are safe, there is no danger and it can calm the f*** down. Use this breathing sphere to slow the pace of your breath and reset your system.