Emotional Stuff

If you are a caregiver, you may experience this role as incredibly rewarding at times and it can feel incredibly overwhelming. Caring for a loved one who is dependent on you in some way or form requires an incredible amount of energy, patience and compassion. It’s easy to put your own needs as secondary or nonexistent. “Do I have needs?” Does this resonate with you? You do have needs and they are important and taking care of yourself is not a luxury- it is essential for your well-being and will serve as fuel to keep you caring for your loved ones. Here are some ways you can take care of yourself:

Learning to set boundaries as a caregiver is going to help you in the biggest way possible. You may feel responsible. For everything. But it’s important to know your limits and once you are honest with yourself and accepting of these limits (yes, you are not superhuman), setting boundaries is crucial. It’s OK to say NO and ask for help so that you can prioritize your own needs.

Although it may not always be easy to take breaks as you get caught up in the constant demands of a caregiver, taking regular breaks is essential. If you are able to get some fresh air by stepping outside the front door or opening a window, deep breathing can recharge your mental and physical energy. Even if it’s 3 mins, a break will give you a chance to reset and it’s good practice to pause and breathe.

You do not have to do this alone. Find your community & support networks. There are many support caregiver groups and receiving support from family or friends will go a long way. Connecting with people who understand what you are experiencing helps in feeling less isolated and alone as a caregiver. It’s helpful to hear of other experiences, concerns, learning new coping strategies and the emotional support felt in these groups can feel like a breath of fresh air.

Exercise and Nourish your body. Exercise regularly if you can and this means body movement, not spending an hour in a gym (unless you can and want to of course) but movement of body helps to reduce stress and boost your overall mood. It can also help you feel more energised which you need to manage your caregiving duties. What you put into your body will also matter. The food you eat serves as fuel and eating well-balanced meals will improve your overall mental health, energy levels and mood. You can seek support in meal prep, asking family or friends or food service resources (meal deliveries), if this is an option for you.

Seeking Respite care is not always easy to do as you may worry if your loved one is being cared for properly. Through a professional caregiver or a trusted family member or friend, it is important that you weigh your options so that you do not burn out as a caregiver. Even for a short while, a few hours or days, this will help you feel recharged.

Don’t forget yourself and what you love to do. Losing sight of what your interests are and what excites you happens when you are caring for someone else. Taking the time to experience joy in what you love to do is essential. It will remind you of all the other facets of you outside your role as caregiver that are equally important. This can help you feel grounded in your entire identity, not just the one.

Self-compassion: offer yourself the same compassion you offer your loved one. Guilt, frustration, overwhelm and even despair are some emotions that are often felt. You are doing the best you can. Caregiving is hard and perfection is not the goal. It’s so important that you offer yourself compassion and acknowledge your efforts. So less self-judgment and more self-compassion.

Speak to a therapist if you feel that your caregiver responsibilities are impacting your mental health. Having a safe space to talk about your experience and all your emotions without judgment is invaluable. Learn coping strategies and receive emotional support. Remember if you are not well, your loved one will not be well.

Being a caregiver is hard and thank you for what you do everyday. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but a necessity because of the role you play in someone else’s life. Taking care of yourself will ensure that you are in better form to take care of your loved one without entirely sacrificing your health and well-being. You can actually be a strong and present caregiver if you prioritise self-care. Remember to seek support so you also feel cared for, and this starts with you taking care of you first.

If you are ready to reach out for support from one of our therapists, please visit our website www.relearninghuman.com

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Who’s caring for the caregiver? Tips on how to take care of yourself as you take care of your loved one

Relationships

There’s nothing easy about a breakup. I have been navigating a separation with my ex-partner for the past four years. We still live under the same roof. Our home we were building dreams in. The way we would renovate it, children/no children? hosting family & friends, celebrating life milestones, growing old. You know all the stuff you dream about when you are building a life with someone. We are friends most of the time and we do our best to try to approach each other with love, care and understanding. We are not successful with this all the time. There is no right or wrong way of doing a breakup and the truth is there is no easy way. It hurts like hell, even when you know in your core that you have come to the end of your romantic relationship. Even when you know it is the right thing for you.

If any of this resonates with you, continue reading. I’ll share some things I’m learning along the way. Perhaps it will allow you to offer yourself some compassion and grace (consistent and necessary practice of mine) through the uncertainties, fears, and newness of your life if you have, are or will soon be experiencing a breakup of a romantic partnership. More importantly, so you know that you are not alone.

I think the hardest part is understanding and accepting that there has been a change in connection with your partner. The experience of acceptance is transient. Never the same. There are ebbs and flows, five steps forward, ten steps back. There is the confusion, the doubt, the reoccurring question, “Am I making the right decision?” It’s OK that this happens. Your brain is trying to understand this new reality, it feels unsafe and questionable because it is new. It is also a loss. And grief changes our brain and takes time to heal and relearn how to be. How to exist. It’s not only our heart that feels temporarily broken, our brain does too.

There is a difference between love and compatibility: Love is often what brings two people together and keeps the relationship intact for the most part. With life circumstances, grief and loss of loved ones, values or goals may evolve over time, it can often make it difficult for both people to grow together. This is why some relationships don’t last.

Emotional growth: This plays a big role in trying to see things from your (ex) partner’s perspective and it requires you to work on yourself emotionally; in doing so, it allows for compassion not only for yourself, but also in approaching your ex (partner) with compassion rather than bitterness, anger or resentment (it’s OK that you feel all these emotions BTW).

Letting go… with grace? Easier said than done but not impossible. What often helps is reframing the narrative: the shame and fear of judgment is raw, and you often feel like a failure when you couldn’t make the relationship work. Reframing this life transition as a natural progression and an opportunity for growth helps. An opportunity to grow for the both of you.

Healing through forgiveness: This remains a work in progress and I imagine it will be ongoing throughout my life if I’m being honest. Forgiveness allows for healing and to navigate from a space of love even when things go wrong. There are no particular steps in how forgiveness works, and again it takes time, it does require intentionality though. Do you want to forgive? This question is a good place to start. A way to gain clarity and decide how you want to move forward. Or at least try to anyway.

Relearning and rebuilding a friendship after “that” kind of love: Not everyone does this, wants to or can maintain a friendship after a romantic partnership and it’s OK. Or at least not right away. Sometimes considering it as an option, even if in the future, can offer up some sense of relief (and if children are involved, there will be some form of contact I imagine). The point is, we don’t hear of good breakups, do we? So, not limiting what could be and how love can take on a new form, a healthier, more amicable relationship could be helpful.

What have you learned from this experience? Each relationship teaches us something valuable. We can choose to believe this or not. When the relationship ends you can still hold the love that you once had close to your heart and appreciate this as a learning experience. Whatever the learnings are you can carry these into your next relationships. Learning to love, knowing that you have and can love, maybe without regrets and you did/are doing your best is a powerful takeaway.

Self-care, self-reflection and self love: These are the three S’s that carry me through everyday. I value myself; I see my imperfections as perfections and this breakup broke me but didn’t kill me. You are able to experience breakups and understand that it does not diminish your self-worth (this is a constant battle with societal pressures. F**K ‘EM). Seeking support from friends who have also experienced a breakup/separation or divorce, whichever label you choose to place on it, is incredibly helpful. You don’t feel as isolated and alienated. Having a therapist is essential or any safe space where you can talk or express your feelings and feel validated with them. Do the things you love to do even when they feel like they are few and far between “nothing” most of the time. And remember, you are still lovable.

Breakups are hard and it doesn’t have to mean that the love you had is lost, it can evolve into something else- growing apart in a way that makes sense and fits for the life that you want to create now and for your future, whilst honouring the past. Love does transform and can take on many forms and it’s OK to move on. I promise, you will move on.

Remember you don’t have to do “your breakup” on your own. When you are ready, please reach out to our therapists: co*****@*************an.com.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder or ReLearning Human.

If we started with love, why can’t we end with love? Reframing how we navigate a breakup

Relationships

As a Psychotherapist who has almost 10 years under her belt, I always get this question:

“How can I get rid of my anxiety?”

My response is always – “you can’t.”

You can avoid things that make you anxious but that won’t get rid of your anxiety. Avoidance of the person/place/thing that sets your anxiety alarm off will actually make your anxiety worse. You can develop an awesome tool box of strategies to manage your anxiety, but that won’t get rid of it either. What you can do, is learn to accept the parts of you (yes, the anxious part) that you usually brace away from, repress, avoid or push away.

You can learn how to manage your anxiety and make it your friend (OK, OK, maybe your acquaintance). The first step to any sort of change is awareness. No, I’m not talking about writing down your triggers (although, that can be helpful). I’m talking about understanding how anxiety FEELS in your body. It is shocking how little practice we have at describing how a hard-wired experience like anxiety FEELS in our body.

Some folks describe anxiety FEELING like:

a churning feeling in your stomach
feeling light-headed and dizzy
pins and needles in your limbs
feeling restless or agitated in your body
faster breathing
a fast, thumping or irregular heartbeat
sweating or hot flushes

Next time you start to notice your brain thinking anticipatory, future-focused, predicting, catastrophic or mindreading thoughts, say “I’M FEELING ANXIOUS” and try not to go into the why or justifying or judging. (Therapy Hack: anxious thoughts can sound like “if X then Y” i.e., if I’m not on time for this meeting then I won’t get the promotion).

Your internal alarm bells are going off and that’s OK. We all have alarms that go off in different scenarios. If you start thinking you’re abnormal or alone or crazy then that means your brain has been hijacked and it’s another opportunity to say, “I’M FEELING ANXIOUS.”

Once you have developed that awesome muscle of awareness, you want to work on coping, managing and living with the very human experience of anxiety.

Everyone’s coping skills around anxiety look different and therapy can help you build an anxiety tool box.

The goal of the anxiety toolbox is to regulate your nervous system and bring it down from being hyper aroused (no, not in the sexual way) to being in an active, alert or even calm space.

Coping strategies for managing anxiety might include:

Tuning into your breath moving in and out of your nose

Feeling your feet on the floor

Inhaling aromatherapy

Crying

Screaming into a pillow (hey, no judgement)

Cognitive restructuring

Exposure hierarchy and avoidance support

Self-compassion

There are SO many supportive strategies and all you need is a few tried, true and well practiced tools to help yourself manage your anxiety. The first step, and often the hardest step, is acceptance. Once you accept that totally illogical, sweaty, sometimes a bit neurotic anxiety is here to stay, you can work toward softening into it, practicing curiosity and offering your body the strategies it needs to come down when it’s triggered.

If you’re considering therapy and want to connect, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

How to get rid of your Anxiety

No B.S. Exercises

Do you have a task that no matter how hard you work at it or know it needs to get done, you find yourself spiraling, avoiding the task until the very last minute? If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

Maybe you’re used to hearing phrases like: “Everyone has to do XYZ, it’s not that difficult,” “Have you tried putting it in a planner so you’ll get it done,” or the infamous, “If you just tried a little harder.” No matter how hard we can work at improving our habits or take the advice that was given to us, we still can’t get past the obstacle which can sometimes lead to feelings of shame. But I promise you, no matter how much it feels like a personal failing, it’s not. There’s usually a reason why we are struggling with a task. Have you considered what your reason could be?

If you don’t know what your obstacle is, that’s perfectly OK. We’re humans, always learning and evolving. But, if you spend some time with yourself, exploring why a particular task is so difficult for you, you may be able to find a workaround. And if you’re ready to start having this conversation with yourself, here are a few prompts to get you started:

Is there a sensory experience (i.e., sight, smell, hearing, taste or touch) about this task that you struggle with?
Is a disability causing obstacles in completing the task? If so, what about the disability makes the task difficult?
What about this particular task bothers you?
Is the obstacle that you would rather be doing something else?
Are you overwhelmed with the aspect of starting or transitioning into a new task?

Now, considering the above:

What could you do to make this task easier for yourself?
Is there something someone else could do to assist you?

If you spend a little bit of time being curious about what obstacles are standing in your way, you may be able to find ways that make a task more manageable. If it’s something specific that gets in the way of completing the task, consider what might counteract it or eliminate it entirely. For example, I hate doing dishes (I mean, does anyone really like doing dishes?) and found myself constantly dragging my feet to do them because I’d get so overwhelmed. After looking into why I hated them, I found that I really just didn’t like the noise. So now, if I’m doing dishes, it is almost guaranteed that I also have noise-cancelling headphones blasting my favourite music because it just makes the task feel easier. But maybe it’s just the sheer number of steps that have to be taken to complete a task. And if this is the case, using micro goals may help get you started. You can find a worksheet for this here.

Other times, it could be just the way our body functions, whether it be executive dysfunction, fatigue or another factor that makes the task harder. A lot of people struggle with deadlines, no matter how much time is given, it’s most likely the work was saved to the very end, and then anxiety ensues. In this case, maybe setting an earlier deadline to have preliminary notes done and checking in with someone would help move the workflow along. Alternatively, if it’s physical, maybe there’s a way you can adapt your environment to make the task easier for you (I’m a strong believer that sitting down to do something makes the task significantly easier, at least for me it does).

And these obstacles do not always have to be there, they may just be situational. But the amazing thing about being human is that we can be adaptive, we’re wired for it. So, while maybe your needs change from time to time, it’s worth it to explore what you need at that particular moment.

We’re human, all different and unique — and that includes you — so it would make sense that maybe you need to approach something from a different angle. And there is nothing wrong with that. This change won’t happen overnight though, it may take a few tries to figure out what works for you, and that’s OK. And with this all said, there may not always be a workaround, and that’s OK too.

So, while this will take time and effort — and you are absolutely worth this effort — you do have the opportunity to make something more accessible and tuned to your needs. No matter what they are and even if they look a little different than how others do it. But if we take a moment to explore why we may be struggling with these tasks with gentle, self-compassionate curiosity instead of battling the obstacle and getting frustrated with ourselves or the task, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to find adaptive ways that work for us.

You aren’t alone in this; if you are ready to explore therapy, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here and start your therapy journey.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Struggling to get stuff done? There may be a reason.

No B.S. Exercises

Yes, it is still a thing. Today I was driving downtown Toronto and I found myself smiling. I know maybe I’ve completely lost the last of what was intact of my mind, but I really don’t think that’s the case ( still in question 🙂 It was around 9:15 am, so yes there was traffic, but what I realized I was doing was paying attention to the sky, hanging like a backdrop to the buildings, how the sun was shining and reflecting against the windows. It was beautiful, and I thought to myself, this makes me happy. I am happy right now, at this moment, I am happy.

It’s really great when we are able to access these small moments of joy, contentment and, when acknowledged, we can find ourselves basking in some happiness. I know, it doesn’t take me much, but the point I’m trying to make is that it still is possible to feel this happiness if we give it some attention.

Here are some intentional practices that have helped me access happiness some of the time:

Practice of gratitude. Have you tried this? If you haven’t, try it now if you want. Take a minute to think about something or someone you are grateful for, perhaps your life. I mean that you are alive. That’s always a great place to start, I suppose. Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to shift your mindset toward happiness. What I appreciate about the practice of gratitude, is that it helps you shift focus from scarcity to abundance.

Letting go of perfect. It doesn’t exist. If you are aiming for perfectionism, you are most likely unable to experience many moments of joy and happiness. Is this true for you? It’s helpful to accept that mistakes and imperfections are a natural part of life and being human. We are messy, life is messy, and that’s OK.

Doing something nice for someone. Ever bought a coffee for the person in line behind you? Or told someone they have something in their teeth? Doing nice things for others helps us feel good about ourselves and can sometimes elevate our mood. Helping others triggers the release of feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which can lead to increased feelings of happiness.

Have you laughed today? There’s a beautiful memory I have with my sister. We were sitting together at our family home when I started to laugh. Soon my laughter was uncontrollable and my sister, not knowing what I was laughing about, followed suit. We laughed for a few minutes uncontrollably, without a worry in the world. It feels wonderful to laugh. Not only does it improve our mood, but it is linked to reducing stress, feeling relaxed and boosts our immune system. So laugh, laugh and laugh some more.

Practice presence in nature, if possible. To be honest, it’s easier and it’s kind of like getting a head start. Without a device and noise. It could feel scary and awkward but if you have the opportunity try it. Practicing presence trains our minds to appreciate the present moment, not regrets of the past or worries of the future. Doing this in nature jumpstarts the process as being in nature soothes our brain and helps us restore balance in our body and mind.

There are many intentional practices we can start to implement in our lives if we are serious about feeling truly happy. Try one of these practices, the one that feels the most natural to you, the one that calls to you and start there. Try this practice for three days. If you want to keep going, try it for three weeks. If you find yourself feeling happier, keep going for as long as you want to feel happy 😊

What’s helped me the most is accepting that we cannot and will not feel happy all the time. It is a series of small choices and practices we make every day that can foster this happy mindset. Accepting that life will be challenging, hard and painful at times while making space for moments of joy, gratitude and connection we can build a realistic, hence sustainable, sense of happiness that comes from within ourselves. Not from the outside and/or by someone else. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled and YOU have the power to make it happen.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-founder of ReLearning Human

Is happiness still a thing? A few intentional practices to feel happy sometimes

No B.S. Exercises

Whether we are talking about our colleagues in the office, our social circle or family, we all seek a sense of belonging. According to many self-help gurus, clinicians and even researchers, belonging is being able to accept all parts of you – your darkness and your light and go one step further, and share those parts with those around you

So ask yourself – Where do I belong?

How do I accept my less pretty parts? My anxious parts? My angry parts? My scared parts?

How do I find or create space for myself where I feel a sense of belonging?

Who (what friend, family, colleagues) can I show up as fully (or more fully) myself?

How can I describe how I feel when I do belong?

Who are the people who support me as I am vs. how or who I should be?

I would bet all my pennies that you can name many places where you don’t belong. Maybe you don’t see yourself represented at work, perhaps you wear a mask in your friend group or intentionally withhold parts of yourself with your family. Maybe you struggle to accept those not so great parts of you too. Trust me, I get it. I have parts that I’m not wild about in myself either.

We do this. We separate ourselves from ourselves. We sidestep our needs, wants and desires. Funnily enough, to belong.

For all of us, there are parts of ourselves that we shun and hide away from for fear that if we show up fully as ourselves, as our fucked up, flawed (and beautiful) selves, that we will be rejected as our authentic selves. The trouble is, when we don’t show up authentically, we are already rejecting ourselves.

I don’t promote showing up as fully yourself when it feels overwhelming to do so. There are some people who do not deserve to see you as you are. There are people who, because of their own stuff, can’t appreciate experiences that are different from their own.

Over the years (and in an attempt to figure out “what was wrong with me”), I have been diagnosed with GAD, SA, SAD, PDD, ADHD, PPD, PPA, PTSD. With all these letters, I have more letters attached to my name than a PhD Neurosurgeon!

But how can I be a therapist if I have so many wonky parts? I should have it together right?

Wrong.

No one gets a gold medal for being a human being. No one gets a price for grinning and bearing it. For keeping calm and freaking out alone and not telling anyone how you are feeling – shame those emotions away and you develop IBS or other gut disorders.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t manage your tendencies. But you have to accept those knee jerk reactive parts before you do anything about them. Shame will not create lasting change in your life, neither will avoidance, but acceptance and management will.

I am an imperfect human, an imperfect Mum, partner, friend, daughter, business owner. I practice welcoming my human-ness, in every way. As Rumi says:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)

Experiencing the range of human emotions takes practice when you come from a background, family, or community that has taught you to suppress parts of yourself. To varying degrees, we all struggle with this. From one human to another, thank you for being here and for showing up as human.

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Are You Pretending or Belonging?

The Self

I never really understood my anger until my sister transitioned in 2022. I don’t think I ever needed to confront it until then. Maybe I never wanted to. I talked about being angry openly during this time. I joined boxing for two weeks because I needed to punch something. I was screaming on the inside and needing to release it on the outside. The only thing that I was able to connect to was punching a punching bag. That and screaming in front of a lake or deep in the forest and, when that wasn’t accessible, into my pillow or when driving in the car on the highway. What I learned from this horrific experience is that anger was serving a purpose. There was a benefit in feeling and expressing my anger. I couldn’t mask the anger because it was the only way an emotion, if any, would travel through my body and surface outside of my skin. It was safer for all my other emotions to stay buried deep inside.

We all experience this real-life human experience in some way or form at some point in our lives. Have you? Where your skin is no longer able to contain your emotions? Perfect moment for that expression, “I feel like I’m going to explode.”

There are many reasons we don’t fully want to access our anger. Or don’t know how to. It’s stuck. Especially as women, we are taught that we should not feel angry. Sometimes this message is not as explicit and sometimes the message couldn’t be clearer. What we do hear regardless is that it is not acceptable to be an angry woman. For many women, expressing anger publicly or aggressively can lead to judgment and have grave consequences. Women are often perceived as “too emotional” or “irrational” when they are angry, often reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Then we internalize this judgement, often suppressing, minimizing anger or avoiding confronting the issues, which can create long-term emotional & physical consequences.

Some of the questions/statements I hear from my clients, my close circles and words that have also come out of my mouth are:

“I don’t want to be angry or feel angry”

“I don’t know why I’m so angry”

“I don’t know what to do with my anger, my rage” (this could be symptoms of perimenopause, but I’ll leave that for another blog! Let’s not minimize rage right now!)

“I have no reason to be angry – I have such a good life”

If some of these statements resonate with you, take a minute, breathe and reflect. Your anger needs acknowledgment. And I will tell you this.

IT’S OK THAT YOU FEEL ANGRY.

GIVE YOUR ANGER THE SPACE IT NEEDS.

THE SPACE IT DESERVES.

What did this feel like? If this is your first time truly acknowledging your anger, good for you, you’ve taken the first step in honouring this emotion.

It makes sense that we struggle to feel anger, but just like all the other icky emotions like jealousy or guilt, if we store it for too long, it starts to take a toll on our nervous system, on our organs, our minds and our overall state of being. Here are some of the impacts on our bodies of suppressed anger just to name a few:

Anxiety

Depression

Irritability or passive-aggressive behaviour

Risk of cardiovascular diseases

Headaches

Digestive issues

Weakened immunity or autoimmune diseases

Issues with female sexual/reproductive organs

If you haven’t been acknowledging your anger until now, it may be helpful to learn how to channel your anger in healthier ways (or at least ways that won’t fuel further anger or guilt):

First and Foremost, NAME IT (acknowledging your emotion can help you feel more at ease even with anger).

Use “I” statements. It might sound simple, but it’s not. Anger can be expressed in constructive ways without aggression. “I feel angry.” Say it again. “I feel angry.” “I feel angry when…” This can help us communicate from a place of assertiveness rather than aggression and can foster more productive conversations.

We all need support. SEEKING SUPPORT can help process your emotions. Sometimes knowing that someone understands can alleviate the heaviness of anger. Also a reminder, we are not meant to do any of this alone.

SETTING BOUNDARIES. Anger and resentment can often stem from feeling taken advantage of. Understanding and respecting your own needs and setting boundaries in all of your relationships, (i.e., romantic, peers, etc.) will help you meet them. This will be hard to do, but it is your responsibility to do so. The truth is no one else is going to set these boundaries for you.

The PRACTICE OF PRESENCE & RELAXATION. Practices such as meditation, deep breathing, and journaling can help you release and process your anger in some way. When we bring awareness to our bodies, we can calm our nervous system, feeling more in charge of our body.

And when peacefulness, relaxation and deep breathing go to shit LET YOUR ANGER BE UGLY.

Your anger doesn’t feel pretty and calm does it? So let it look ugly if it needs to. It’s OK. Scream into the pillow if you need to. Chop wood. Run up a hill and scream at the top. Jump into the water. Take up boxing so you can punch something. Dance. Go to a smash room. Give yourself permission to get ugly with your anger (just don’t hurt yourself or someone else).

There is power in our pain with anger. For many women, expressing anger can feel like straying away from the expected societal mold of being patient, composed, tender and nurturing. Feeling anger and expressing anger doesn’t take any of this away. Both can be true. Anger is a powerful force. It is also freeing when released and not contained. It is also good for your body, mind and soul. So are you ready to explore your anger?

If you need some support in exploring your anger, reach out @relearninghuman.com to our therapists who also experience anger just like you.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

An Angry woman: Permission granted

Emotional Stuff

Have you ever had those moments when you’re alone or with a group of people, and just think, “Who am I?” We spend so much time searching for who we are — and it makes sense. Our identities are so closely tied to us, it can feel like such an astronomical question to ponder. Some people may have such a strong sense of who they are that it’s second nature to them. But for many, when the question “Who am I” arises, it leads to more questions. When we don’t really know what our identity is, we may move through different versions of ourselves or shift based on the people we are around to fit in. But when we get caught up in all of these identities, a fog can form around us, which makes working on understanding who we are so critical to improving our overall happiness and well-being.

There are so many different things that go into who we are and that have a hand in shaping our identities, including:

The people we spend time with — do you ever spend an extended period of time with someone and notice you pick up on their habits or common phrases? Think of your family, friends, loved ones, and others you interact with. These individuals, whether it’s noticeable or not, can be a large part in shaping who we are.
Society – society plays such a large role in our identity as our interactions are shaped around social pressures, how we may feel we need to be seen, social norms, and more.
Labels – identity or other labels may shape how we see ourselves, as well as the labels others give us.
Experiences – and I mean all kinds of experiences can shape us, whether they are positive, negative, or anything in between.

But while these factors can shape our identities, they don’t necessarily have to be held close to our identity, they can simply just be a thing. For instance, our traumas don’t define us, they might have just simply dysregulated our nervous systems. Also, for some people, they may have reminded them of their strengths and that may feel like a significant part of their identity.

While I would love to say that once we understand who we are, we will unlock all of the answers to our identity, the reality is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We are human, always evolving and changing based on our lived experiences. There are things we will learn that remain static, but other things that will change based on the seasons of our lives. So, I would argue that this is a lifelong goal. We may know who we are at the moment, but that might change a little, even if many core aspects of our identity remain the same. And because of this, it is important to keep checking in, making this a process.

But if you’re feeling stuck in the fog and questioning who you are, there are ways to relearn and reconnect with yourself.

Try journaling. It is an unfiltered way to check in with yourself and see where you are right now and track how things are going. If you’re not sure how to do this, you can start documenting things you enjoy now, or alternatively, try this worksheet here.
Explore your interests and hobbies. These are important pieces of you and you can share them with the world if you feel a push to.
Explore your strengths or talents, your passions, and your values.
Is there something that you want to be remembered for? It doesn’t have to be anything extreme; it could just be kindness or humour. This question can reveal a large part of who you are and want to be, as well as the impression you want to leave on others.
Consider who you are when nobody’s around. Sometimes we may feel most like ourselves if we don’t feel we have to perform an identity for others.
And most importantly, spend some time with yourself. Try going beyond just watching a show or scrolling through social media. This is an important practice to carve time out for yourself. It’s helpful to check in with ourselves without the distraction every once in a while.

Remember, this is a lifelong practice, and it can be challenging to learn who we are right now, what our interests are, and in turn, share these with others. But it can be rewarding when we find spaces and people that celebrate who we are, as well as when we do this for ourselves. So try reconnecting with yourself, it may open up new possibilities.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Who Am I? Relearning how to reconnect with yourself

The Self

Stress: acceptance and understanding

Feeling stressed? Me too! As humans, we all feel stress. ¼ of Canadians report feeling “quite a bit” to “extremely” stressed and that’s the problem. The problem is that we don’t know how to manage our stress hormones when they start firing off.

While you can’t change the external situations that cause stress, you can learn how to manage and work with it. Understanding what stress is and how we experience it, is an important first step in accepting and working with stress. Stress is our body’s vital warning system that activates our hard-wired fight-or-flight response. When the brain perceives some kind of external stress, it floods the body with hormones like epinephrine, norepinephrine and cortisol and can cause a wide variety of physiological symptoms.

While the symptoms associated with stress can feel uncomfortable, it is our friendly evolutionary trait that is trying desperately to help us navigate life’s hurdles. Since we have limited control over what our brain perceives as stressful, we have to work with it instead of avoiding it, surprising it or trying to control it.

Declare a truce with your body and the stress that is a part of our innate wiring. Take this theory of acceptance and put it into play. By following these steps, you will support yourself responding differently to the external stressors that will inevitably happen in your life.

Grab a pen and paper, you’re going to want to take notes:

STEP 1 – Get to know your stress:

In order to make stress work for you, you have to learn what stress feels like in your body so you can become aware of it and manage it in a different way. Think back to a time where your work deadlines were looming, you were feeling sick, your colleague was on vacation and you were left to manage both workloads alone. How did you feel physically and mentally? What does your body feel like as you think back to this stressful situation? How did your body tell you that you’re stressed? Common physiological cues are:

Perspiration

Pounding heart

Trembling hands

Racing thoughts

Tension in shoulders and neck

Nausea, upset stomach and diarrhea

Shortness of breath

For whatever reason, your brain acknowledged the events you just thought of and released stress hormones to help you meet this perceived challenge. We can’t control what our brain sees as a challenge, we can just accept and manage it. By tuning into your body, noting the symptoms of stress, you can make stress help you rise to the occasion instead of having it rule your life.

STEP 2 – Calm your body:

The problem with stress is that it inadvertently causes our mind to race through other pretty uncomfortable symptoms. Calm your body and brain down by using diaphragmatic breathing. Sometimes known as “belly breathing,” diaphragmatic breathing lowers effects of cortisol (the stress hormone) on your body, lowers your heart rate and blood pressure.

This practice will help you calm your body down when you notice symptoms of stress:

Sit comfortably, with your knees bent and your shoulders, head and neck in a relaxed position. Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach.
Breathe in slowly through your nose so that your stomach moves out against your hand. The hand on your chest should remain as still as possible.
Place one hand on your upper chest and the other just below your rib cage, on your stomach. This will allow you to feel your diaphragm move as you breathe.
Tighten your stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale through pursed lips. The hand on your upper chest must remain as still as possible.
When you notice symptoms of stress in your body, use diaphragmatic breathing to help your nervous system deactivate and support your body in calming down.

Practice diaphragmatic breathing for one minute a few times per week (this can help you get to sleep too!). I recommend setting an alarm to remind yourself to get your practice in and because your breath is always with you, you can practice anywhere!

Want more mindfulness exercises? ReLearning Human has your back! Check out more here.

STEP 3 – Take a look at your stress thoughts, perspectives and predictions:

Through my work as a social worker and psychotherapist (and as a human who has stress just like you), I have noticed patterns of thoughts that I label ‘stress thoughts.’ These thoughts align with hopelessness, helplessness and are generally catastrophic.

Think of thoughts as the blueprint created through both conscious and unconscious interpretations of our lifetime of experiences. Here are a few examples of what stress thoughts sound like:

“I can’t do this”

“I can’t cope”

“This is unfair”

“This is impossible”

“I don’t have time”

“I’m not going to make it”

If you’re having these thoughts, don’t despair! We all have them and they aren’t always helpful, are they?

Cognitive restructuring is a technique found in cognitive behavioral therapy and is a useful tool in reframing and shifting thought processes. Learning this key skill will help you to be aware of and challenge untrue, unrealistic or distorted thoughts known as cognitive distortions (or unhelpful thinking habits such as all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, predicting the future and many others).

Pause when you notice stress in your body, remind yourself that stress is a completely normal human experience (and how you know for sure that you are not a robot!). Calm down your body using diagrammatic breathing and take a look at what’s going through your mind. Once you pinpoint the external event or situation that has caused your body to activate its stress hormones, don’t react automatically.

Keep breathing and ask yourself the following questions about your stress:

What am I reacting to?
What is it that I think is going to happen here?
In all the times I have thought X, did it ever come to fruition?
What’s the worst (and best) that could happen? What’s most likely to happen?
How is thinking this way helping me?
How important is this really? How important will it be in 6 month’s time? In 1 year?
Am I overestimating the threat?
Am I underestimating my ability to cope?
Am I mind-reading what others might be thinking?
Is there another way of looking at this?
What advice would I give someone else in this situation?
How can I slow this down a bit?
How much can I control in this situation? What is outside of my control?
What changes (however small) can I make to those things that I am able to
control?
What would be the consequences of responding the way I usually do?
Is there another way of dealing with this?
What would be the most helpful and effective action to take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person)

Cognitive restructuring can be a powerful technique for understanding and working with your stress thoughts. Remember, you cannot control every situation or person, but you can shift your perspective. This is your superpower. If you can reframe your perception of stress, then you can change your overall neuro-wiring and truly change your life.

Like most things, PRACTICE is instrumental in re-training your brain to manage stress differently. Practice each step individually during times of lower stress so you can access these new tools in moments of higher stress.

Takeaways and key learnings:

Accept that stress is part of life and that we all experience various levels of stress most days.
Get to know yourself! Learn about how stress resonates in your body by tuning into your physiological cues.
Learn how to manage any uncomfortable symptoms that stress creates.
Don’t buy into your thoughts – just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.

While we all experience stress, we do have the power in learning to manage it. If you want to connect with us, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amiralt, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Teach your brain to manage stress

The Self

Did you drop or quit your New Year’s resolution yet? We are two weeks into the new year so If I could take a guess, most likely you have broken one or two? You may think this is a “negative” outlook from a therapist and maybe my scrougieness hasn’t worn off yet? Probably accurate and what I want to share with you is that it’s OK if you broke or dropped your New Year’s resolution(s). If you did, they were most probably unrealistic, hence unattainable and definitely not sustainable. Or you never really wanted this change in your life? The beautiful, marvelous part about this real life situation is you get to start again. Any time of the year. And hopefully, when you are truly ready or not, but feel a little more determined by/from your internal wisdom and your life, rather than the date and month in the calendar (not to mention the ridiculous societal pressures/construct of NY resolutions). You might not agree with this and that’s OK. But if you are one of the people that have broken a New Year’s resolution, I would challenge you to give it another try… when YOU are ready. Do you know what makes you ready for things? Ready for change?

What does your body feel like?

(Tense, ease, excited for this goal?)

What words are you using to speak to yourself?

(Are you being kind? Mean? Doubtful?)

What does the work and effort required on a weekly/monthly basis look like in order for you to reach your goal?

(Have you done this before? Is the change you are seeking going to shock your body? Your mind? How embedded and committed (willingly, consciously or not) have you been to this pattern you are trying to change and introduce newness? How many years?)

What support system do you have in place?

(Yes, you can ask for help. Who will you reach out to when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns? When this change feels too hard? Do you have an accountability buddy? [I hate this term] Who’s your people?)

Get where I’m going with this? You need a plan. Some kind of plan is required in order for your New Year’s resolution to be attainable. With a realistic plan in place, you may even start to believe that you will be able to reach your goal. It becomes believable, maybe trust in yourself more through experiencing small and consistent change. There is a vision in mind (cheers to you lovers of vision boards and believers in manifestation!). The reason why a plan is key is that we are never really ready for change. Or I should say that our brain is never really ready for change; however, we know we have the ability to change and adapt. With a plan, determination, kindness and compassion to self, belief in one’s strength, internal wisdom, purpose and letting go of the limitations we restrict ourselves by, things can happen. This groundwork is required before & during the occurrence of change. Not always possible as there are external factors to consider, and we don’t have control over those elements. But we can plan with the flexible mindset that plans change and change is constant.

For some of us New Year’s resolutions do work and for some it just doesn’t. It becomes another reason to beat up ourselves and feel discouraged that we failed once again. If you are expecting your brain to adjust and be OK, and even like the change in just one day, week or month you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take time, patience, repetition and desire, discipline and determination (my three favourite “D’s”).

We are only two weeks in so, you have some time to try again if you want and if this change is a priority to you. Before you start again, please ask yourself this. Why the change? Why is it important to YOU now? And if it is truly important to you, what’s the kind, realistic, supportive and sustainable plan you will put into place for yourself? At any time of the year.

If you need some support like we all do in creating a realistic plan in achieving your goals and getting to root issues of why you don’t or feel you can’t, our therapists at ReLearning Human also experience the same human-like challenges and are here to support you when you are ready. Please connect with us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here. If you are not ready to speak to a therapist, you can check out our micro goals worksheet here to guide you with taking small steps in making things happen.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

How’s your New Year’s resolution going?

Navigating Change

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