The Self

For any client that I meet I often describe therapy as a safe space. Where there is opportunity to explore learned patterns, coping mechanisms, uncover fears and rediscover parts of our humanness that were forgotten or didn’t even know existed. This is the unraveling beauty of therapy. What I also prepare my clients for is therapy can also be an isolating experience. Where seeking connection and understanding might start off with stepping into a space of solitude.

Therapy requires vulnerability. Through this process as a therapist, I gently ask clients to open up wounds that have been buried, confront memories that have been avoided and face fears and challenge themselves when they are ready, or not. This is a necessary process for healing to occur and this itself can cause a profound sense of isolation. Therapists are supportive; however, the journey that you are on is YOUR journey. No one else experiences the exact experience as you, your pain, your perspective. This process can feel like you are navigating the unknown entirely on our own. And it’s because you are.

Why Does Therapy Feel Isolating?

Unshared experiences: You soon start to realize that some experiences cannot be fully shared or understood by others. I never say to my clients, “I can only imagine.”  Because I can’t. I may have had similar experiences but not my clients’ experience. I can guide, validate emotions and offer insights, but I cannot walk in my client’s shoes. This can amplify feelings of solitude.

Disconnection from loved ones: Therapy prompts self-discovery often building curiosity and creating opportunities to reevaluate relationships, boundaries, wants and needs. Pretty much your life in general! As you learn more about yourself, grow and change, some relationships start to feel strained or off-rhythm. A felt sense of misalignment may emerge, causing you to question expectations or dynamics of existing connections. This can create a sense of alienation. Not everyone will understand, agree with or even accept your transformation. This shift in relationships can be extremely challenging and lonely.

Facing your truths: Therapy forces you to confront truths about yourself that you can no longer avoid, or rather you are somewhat ready to no longer avoid. Some truths about us can be uncomfortable and so painful. This internal work, inward focus, can sometimes feel isolating as you are processing through them alone. When you start to do the work of untangling patterns and unlearning and relearning coping mechanisms it can often feel like a solitary battle even with the most compassionate therapist rooting for you.

How Can You Navigate the Isolation?

Get used to the discomfort: It’s true. We need to start to normalize that with anything new, a change will feel awkward and uncomfortable. Our brain needs to adapt to this change and discomfort is often a sign of growth (therapy is working! Yay). Remember, feeling isolated through the process of therapy is not uncommon.

Let your therapist know: I share this often with my therapist. My ethnicity, cultural background, child of immigrant parents, sexual orientation and all the parts that make me whole have always felt uniquely different, not in a good way. Being a service user of therapy has amplified my feelings of alienation. I have always felt outside of any box. Discussing it with my therapist helps to unpack these feelings and they can make the process feel less daunting.

Build your support network: Who are your people? Lean on friends, family members or support groups that feel safe and can provide comfort. Sharing with others can help you bridge that gap with the internal work that you are doing and the outside world.

Write down your experience: Journaling helps. Writing down your experience is a powerful tool in processing your emotions and organizing your thoughts. Sometimes this can help in articulating your feelings that you might find difficult to express in your therapy sessions. It also feels incredible to read your entries and realise how far you’ve come and the personal growth that has occurred. If you would like some prompts to support you in journaling, you can find some here.

Be fearless with solitude: Try and embrace solitude. Use this time to deepen your connection to self. Practice mindfulness, breathwork, connect with your spiritual self or use creative outlets like art, music, dance. Have an open and curious mind. Do not fear your own company.

Isolation can feel incredibly daunting, but this doesn’t mean it is inherently negative. The solitude experienced in therapy can serve a profound purpose. This is a space where we can connect with ourselves. There can be room in this space for self-reliance, self- awareness, self-compassion and tremendous personal growth. The loneliness and solitude can be the bridge between who you were, are and who you are becoming. It can be isolating at times, but this process is a vital part of healing. With time, you can experience isolation paving the way to a deeper sense of connection, not only with others around you, but to the very essence of who you are.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

It’s been almost two decades since I’ve worked with humans in some therapeutic setting. Life topics and challenges and how they shape us as human beings always takes center stage. And I think it’s fair to say, and all my single clients would concur, it has never been this difficult to date in this time and space in which we live. We live within the illusion of connection and this is the problem. In this digital world, with texting, AI, TikTok Ing, there are more and more reasons as to why human-to-human connection may prove difficult. And yet, what all the single folks wish for is a deeper, meaningful, connected companionship. So, how do we continue to date in such a disconnected world? Here are some things I’ve noted along the way.

Barriers that might get in the way:

Quantity over quality: conversations can often feel transactional and because dating apps deliver in volume, there may be a lack of commitment to the date or dating itself. “Maybe there’s a better option,” “someone who ticks all my boxes.” These beliefs can manifest as behaviours such as not responding to texts in a timely manner, ghosting, not being fully present during the date and showing up on the date for the sake of “ticking the box.”

Zero vulnerability: It will be impossible to get to know someone for who they are if you are not willing to show up and reveal who you are. Transparency and vulnerability, believe it or not, is contagious. It helps us feel more connected as human beings, but the truth is we are too afraid of being vulnerable. For fear of judgment and the big one, fear of rejection.

Squirrely brain: we are so distracted and attached to a digital world that does not rest. Our attention is constantly divided between apps, social media feeds, pings, emails, calls and is addicted to instant gratification and dopamine hits. Real intimacy takes time, intention, presence, discomfort, patience and commitment to the process.

Loneliness can be very loud: it’s become an epidemic. Loneliness. And people in relationships are also reporting this sense of loneliness if that’s any consolation. Connection is not just about being physically present but it’s being present on purpose. A desire, a want to be around that person. If there isn’t a felt sense of connection, no meaningful conversations, aligned values that contribute to forming emotional safety, then dating can feel extremely lonely. And aimless. 

So, here’s the thing: there’s no easy way around this and you’re not going to be too pleased with what comes next. But these points are always broached and explored in my client sessions. Here are some things that you could do differently when you decide to date more intentionally:

TAKE RISKS: AKA, BE VULNERABLE

Show up and be present on the date: make eye contact with the person. Be present and put your phone away.

Be intentional: you don’t need to respond right away but really take the time to read someone’s messages or what they are sharing with you face-to-face and respond with intention. So slow down. Be responsive, less reactive.

Be honest: share what you are looking for. It’s OK to do this on the first date. Better to filter out all the noise and get to the things that are important and meaningful to you.

Be curious: stop asking questions just to ask questions and because you are uncomfortable with silence. Let there be silence, it’s another perfect opportunity to observe how you feel around this person in silence. Ask the questions that you are really curious about.

Stop judging yourself & practice self-compassion: there is no wrong or right way of dating. And feeling the awkwardness and the pressures of “how will I be on the date” has a lot to do with how you feel about yourself rather than the person sitting across from you that you’ve known for a minute. You are enough just the way you are, so be kind to yourself with this process.

Get to know yourself: in such a disconnected world, it’s more of a reason to get even more connected with ourselves. The more we know what we want, need, value, the more we can attract someone who can meet us there. This is your job to figure it out, the rest will fall into place. 

Real connection is out there, but you need to put down your phone (once you secure a date if you’re using a dating app 😊). Seriously. It’s already noisy enough, so many distractions and digital detours. As humans, what remains the same at its core is we all want to be seen, heard, truly known and accepted. So, the truth is, it doesn’t matter how “perfect” your profile is or your AI texts. What forms true connection is presence, vulnerability, and consistent effort. That’s a true and real connection and I have hope that it’s out there for each and every one of us.

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Folks who avoid conflict are often touted as easy going and identifying with “going with the flow.” They are also the folks who likely find themselves knee deep in conflict, resentment and inner turmoil because they haven’t learned the skills to engage in healthy conflict.

Is this you? Keep reading… 

If you go out of your way to avoid conflict, you probably didn’t have healthy conflict modeled during your earlier years. The tendency to avoid conflict has been traced back to growing up in an environment where you were criticized, dismissed or ignored. This type of early experience  causes us to have a deep belief that people can’t feel upset or disappointed or there will be dire consequences like the silent treatment, yelling or raised voices, being isolated (going to your room) and other punishments where the caregiver withheld connection. 

Conflict avoidance can present as a host of experiences. Working with a roster of recovering conflict avoiders, here are a few patterns I have noticed:

Making decisions you think other people want you to make

Feeling a sense of emotional paralysis over-making decisions

Avoiding challenging conversations

Feeling profound resentment and not speaking up

Withholding what we want in relationships

Not being aware of what you want 

Focusing on the needs of others instead of your own

Struggling with a sense of self 

Engaging in heated and consistent conflict 

Inner turmoil and inability to say “no”

Mistrusting others motives or words

Logically, we all know that conflict is part of life. Every relationship – work, intimate, family, friendship and even the relationship that we have with ourselves will include some level of conflict. So, if we can’t avoid all conflict, what can we do?

When we enter into conflict with the belief that it’s us vs. them, we won’t be able to help feeling like adversaries. We will feel defensive, angry, scared and a host of other emotions that will get in the way of resolution. When we are reactionary, conflict escalates. 

First, ReLearn what the purpose of conflict is: 

Relationship researchers and clinical psychologists Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman say “Conflict really has a purpose, and the purpose is mutual understanding.” 

Practice accepting that conflict is part of life, part of all relationships and that its purpose is to get to know the issue or problem and find a way forward. When this is practiced more often than not, your perspective around conflict will shift. By engaging in healthy conflict, you may also notice a decrease in anxiety, resentment, conflict, rumination, improved self-esteem and decision-making. 

Developing the skills to engage in healthy conflict will help you become more comfortable with conflict. Being able to stay steady when in conflict will make conflict feel more manageable and you will find yourself feeling more connected to yourself and others.

Recovering from years of avoiding conflict can often need more support. Reach out to our team at co*****@*************an.com or book a complimentary meet and greet here to find a therapist who will help you feel empowered to walk into conflict rather than shying away from it. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

What did you dream about as a child? What did you want to become? Where did your imagination take you? Do you remember how you felt? When nothing seemed out of reach. Do you still dream as an adult and how much do you believe in these dreams to become a reality? As adults, we often find ourselves running around caught up in the daily grind. We get lost in the endless demands of responsibilities, routine, work and we normalize this too. But when we dream and nurture our dreams- this can have a profound impact on your mental health.

It’s not so childish to dream no matter how big or small. Here are a few reasons why dreaming can help with our overall well being:

Encourages personal growth: most often when we dream, we envision the ideal version of ourselves. Ever dreamt of working in the Congo with gorillas, or writing a book, becoming an actor? These dreams can encourage us to try new things, help to challenge our fears, build self-confidence, and although some dreams might not be actualized, these small steps in trying new things offer up the opportunity for self-discovery and growth.

Gives us purpose: dreams provide us with a sense of purpose. Having clear goals or aspirations, when we have something to strive for, offers us direction and adds meaning to our lives. Without having dreams, it can feel like we are stuck in a rut and when we are working on something we are passionate about and get excited about, it can drastically improve our mental well-being. Having a reason to get up in the morning can never hurt, right?

Source of Hope: I can’t keep count of the endless challenges life has thrown at me. Cancer is a well-known name in my personal life. And grief and loss has not strayed too far behind, although I wish it would. Without dreaming and pursuing my dreams I wouldn’t have a sense of hope to continue to get me to the next day. Dreaming about a better future, a better tomorrow can provide you with emotional strength to keep going. Having something to look forward to, whether it be a personal goal, a lifelong dream vacation, building a family, chasing your dream job, can be your mental anchor as you weather life’s storminess.

Reduces stress & anxiety: daydreaming and letting your imagination run wild is important. This can actually be a great stress reliever. We encourage children to use their imagination, right? So why did we stop as adults? When I’m stressed at times my mind gravitates to escapism. I know that it’s important to be present and face challenges head on, but I also give myself permission to park and step outside my stressors for a little while. Imagining a different reality (not being delusional about it) can reduce feelings of anxiety (this is why visualization or enactments in therapy are successful) we allow our brain to experience a less stressful and more peaceful scenario, and that’s OK.

Build resilience: we hear the word resiliency often (maybe too much these days). What it is, is the ability to bounce back from adversity and setbacks in our lives. Dreaming is an integral part of nurturing this quality. Dreaming is imagining a better future and through tough times it can offer you a road map of where you want to go, even if it’s a long road again. Dreams can act as a mental training tool for resilience, keeping your perspective and outlook positive even when things go wrong. What being resilient looks like is to keep trying, learning, and growing rather than throwing in the towel. Having a dream can help with this.

A more fulfilling life: is ultimately what we all want. Dreaming is often accompanied with anticipation, excitement, drive and determination. Even if we don’t achieve every single dream we have, it can add colourfulness and meaning to our lives. What I love about having dreams is the reminder of that feeling of being connected to something much larger than myself and that growth and joy is attainable.

I’ve always been called a dreamer especially by my parents and it never felt like a positive thing until my late 20’s. That’s when I started to think, I may just have a superpower! I’ve always had big dreams, some I have reached while others I dream them bigger. When we get buried with the demands of life, it’s important to nurture our dreams and use this as a tool to improve and nourish our mental health. It will help keep you focused, resilient, connected to yourself and others and is a constant reminder of your humanness and sense of purpose. So, as the song goes, dream a dream. Are you ready to start dreaming again?

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Have you ever found yourself thinking about what should have happened, what someone should have said or done? 

Focusing on an alternative world where what happened didn’t happen is exhausting. While you expend energy thinking about what should be, you create more pain. There is more suffering in the denial of reality than there is in the acceptance. 

The concept of radical acceptance is a skill to tolerate distress. This important skill lets us move from blaming, tantruming and denying to problem solving what is in front of us. 

Maybe you have heard yourself say or think some of the following statements:

“If it was me, I wouldn’t have made that decision.”

“They shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why is this happening?”

“I shouldn’t feel the way that I do.”

“This should be easier for me.”

If so, the practice of radical acceptance will help you move into experiencing your life more fully, including all the challenges you face. 

How to practice radical acceptance:

Acknowledge the pain: Instead of pushing away difficult emotions, accept them. Radical acceptance requires you to fully engage in the range of emotions humans can access without trying to engage, suppress or deny them. If you are feeling anger, you might say, “I am feeling angry right now and that’s OK, it will pass.” 

Let go of judgement: It’s easy to judge yourself for feeling and to think that certain emotions or situations are “wrong.” The practice of acceptance means letting go of that judgement. Instead of believing “I shouldn’t be sad,” you would accept that sadness is part of every human experience. 

Stop resisting: As the saying goes, “shit happens.” We don’t want to accept failure, relationships ending, getting evicted, death, and other losses. And, we all know that for all of us, this is part of being human. Instead of ruminating about what should or could be, you might remind yourself, “it is what it is, there have been hundreds of decisions and experiences that have led up to this moment.” 

Self-compassion: Life is challenging enough without stewing in self-condemnation and judgement. Next time you find yourself in a challenging moment or a moment you are resisting, you can decide to offer yourself compassion. Saying to yourself, “I’m having a hard time with this and that’s OK, we all have to manage challenges in our life, I am not alone. This will pass and for now, it’s OK that I’m struggling.” 

Focus on the present: Your brain might default to ruminating about the past or predicting the future. Radical acceptance encourages us to focus on the here and now because we can’t change the past and we cannot predict the future. When you find your mind moving into the past or future, catch it and come back to the present – feeling your feet on the floor, your butt in your chair or the breath moving in and out of your body. 

Practicing radical acceptance doesn’t necessarily solve your problems, but it does change your relationship to them. Instead of struggling against your problems, acceptance allows you to find clarity and move with the problem instead of resisting it. 

Radical acceptance is, well…. Radical. It goes against the default of denying, ruminating, controlling and avoiding. It’s also a skill that can be, in practice, life changing. You can change your life if you want to, the first step might be this practice. 

You don’t have to do this work alone, if you’re thinking of trying therapy, connect with us at co*****@*************an.com or read through our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human