The Self
When was the last time you had some rest? Not just sleeping or scrolling through your timeline while you think about the dishes that have to be done — but genuine rest — the kind that feeds your mind and body. With all the things we have to do in a day, it can feel impossible. I know, there’s just never enough time. But the thing is, rest is not a privilege or something you need to earn, it’s a priority. So, when can we simply rest?
If the time we spend taking breaks while thinking about our next task to do isn’t rest, then what is it? Rest is when someone takes a break, physically or mentally, from an activity as a way to recharge. And so, when we are thinking about other things, we aren’t really fitting into this definition.
If you’re still not convinced that finding ways to rest beyond what you have been doing will help, here are a few reasons why you should begin practicing rest. I’m sure if you take a moment to think about it, you’ll come up with a few reasons of your own as to why you owe it to yourself to take a break.
- Rest is important for minimizing stress: not only this, but as a practice, it can also be good for avoiding burnout.
- When we are rested, we can make better decisions: when we step away from something to rest, we can look at it with a fresh perspective.
- Beneficial for our physical health: have you ever noticed that when you’re particularly overwhelmed your body feels off too? Stress and our fight-or-flight response impacts different aspects of our body like digestion, blood pressure, heart rate and hormones. When we rest, we give our bodies the ability to recharge and lessen stress.
- Rest can make us more productive: when we force ourselves to get stuff done because we are stuck in a mindset of what is and isn’t productive, we can sometimes start dragging our feet and procrastinating, so we struggle with the task at hand. Rest makes it easier to focus on the task, ultimately improving our ability to complete what we need to do.
- Rest can be a form of protest: in a world where we often aren’t given the opportunity to rest, and are even told we shouldn’t, it’s a great act of resistance to rest and prioritize ourselves. Community and being there for others is important, but we can’t always be everything for everyone — and that’s okay too — you can take time for yourself when needed.
It’s one thing to say that rest is helpful, but let’s be honest, it’s also difficult to find time for it. We are so busy these days and the responsibilities pile up. Here’s a few ways to get better rest:
- Schedule it in: just like you can schedule other parts of your day, you can schedule rest too. It doesn’t have to take more than 20 minutes, but find a time where you can focus on you and recharge. Scheduling it in may help you stick more to the plan and avoid distractions that take away from your rest time.
- Find something you enjoy: your rest time is for you — how you recharge doesn’t have to be typical or make sense to anyone else, it can just be. It may not click right away and you may have to try out different ways to unwind, but if it feels right to you, hold onto it.
- Consider what rest means to you: is it more recharging to be with others socially or do you find watching a movie alone under blankets to be more restful?
Don’t know where to start, try these ideas. You may find them helpful or you may not, and that’s okay, we are all different after all. But maybe, just maybe, it’ll lead you somewhere where you can feel rested.
- Get active: try moving your body in any way that works for you — go for a walk, hike, or try dance.
- Try breathing exercises or similar activities: practices like these can help us to regulate our stress response. Try a few practices and see what works for you. Not sure where to find one that you like? Check out some of our resources here.
- Consider your favourite type of media: do you love music? Is there a show or movie that brings you comfort? Try to implement these into your day, but not just as background noise; instead, immerse yourself in it.
- Play: when was the last time you played? Play has many benefits for your mental health. You can read more about this here and understand your play style through this worksheet.
- Take a nap: sometimes the most basic methods of rest work best. Try resting your mind and body with a nap to recharge.
- Find a hobby that fuels you: consider what you enjoy, maybe it’s something creative, playing video games, baking, etc. If the hobby leaves you feeling fulfilled and recharged, it’s rest.
Now, please find some time to rest — it’s okay to prioritize yourself!
Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW
As an addict (smoking) in recovery, I spent a lot of time outside watching massive Toronto squirrels. Moving from the East Coast, I had never seen anything like them before. They are twitchy, resourceful and fast. Because they have to be. Just like us, they are living in a world as both predator and prey. You might be rolling your eyes and thinking “Humans are top of the food chain.” I can’t argue with that BUT I do think that as animals, humans feel less safe than we care to admit. Don’t believe me? If you let your mind roam for a minute or two, where does it go?
Are you:
Ruminating about a past conversation?
Anticipating something coming up today or this week?
Engaging in a hypothetical argument?
Struggling to get to sleep or stay asleep at night?
Judging or comparing yourself or your values to other people?
Avoiding certain people, places or experiences?
Beating yourself up over a mistake you made?
Repeating a conversation that was had?
Over-analyzing a piece of feedback?
Becoming angry remembering something someone said or did?
Engaging in “what if” types of thoughts?
If you sat peaceful and zen for a few minutes (no, disassociation and numbing do not count), I’m happy for you. If not, your mind might be working hard to keep you safe from perceived dangers. I know, I know, your performance evaluation or upcoming third date isn’t inherently dangerous yet here you are, thinking about it.
All humans, all animals have things that they perceive as dangerous. These things might not be logically or rationally a threat to survival but the brain and body systems send off little alarm bells (cue anxiety, panic, insomnia, OCD, depression and other experiences) to keep us safe. Think of those squirrels who run away from people trying to feed them or just walking near them. The people did not have any intention of harming them and yet the squirrel ran because it is hardwired to seek safety even if it doesn’t make logical sense. We are just like those squirrels.
Yes we have access to logical reasoning, emotional regulation and complex reasoning, but we have to USE IT.
If you are:
Imagining the future
Getting stuck in the past
Struggling to regulate your anger, excitement, and other emotions
Shutting down in conflict
Experiencing insomnia
Avoiding conflict
Overthinking
Feeling exhausted and like you are fried by the end of the day
Not being honest with yourself or others
Not advancing in your career or relationships the way you want to
(and many more human experiences)
The likelihood is that your Nervous System is stuck and you are not able to access those highly human traits of reasoning, regulation and other advanced human traits. Remember, just because we are wired to survive doesn’t mean we have to settle for survival. Through consistent practice and mental evolution,cognitive rewiring is possible.
Being stuck is not the problem. It’s human to be stuck sometimes. Staying stuck might be the problem, and if it is, we are here to help.
Want to take the next step? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support you. If you’re feeling nervous about the next steps and want to better understand the process, you can read Getting Started here.
Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
Self-talk is a normal process that we all participate in daily, we all have an inner voice, and for some of us, that voice is an asshole. When we go with our automatic, reactive thoughts without recognizing and challenging them, it has implications that affect our emotions, motivation, resiliency and future accomplishments. Problems around self-esteem and self-confidence arise when our inner voice is persistently negative. This type of mental experience reinforces irrational, negative and black and white ideas that we have about ourselves, our relationships and our futures.
Someone once wrote: “If we talked to our friends in the same way that we talk to ourselves we would not have any friends.”
Ask yourself the following questions to challenge your inner critic, mitigate the impacts of negative self-talk and lessen your critical inner voice:
1. Challenge your thoughts
- What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
- Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation of the situation or event?
- Am I jumping to conclusions? Mind reading? Predicting the future?
- How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?
2. Look for alternative explanations
- Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
- If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?
- What would I tell a friend or loved one who has a similar experience?
3. Put it in perspective
- Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be?
- What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?
- What is the best thing that could happen?
- What is most likely to happen?
- Is there anything good about this situation?
- Will this matter in five years?
By acknowledging your self-critical voice and challenging its observations, you have the opportunity to create a change in how you relate to yourself and the world around you. Over time, being aware of your critical self-talk will actually rewire your brain. The more you practice pulling back from beating yourself up, the less automatic it will become.
Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
Are you a people pleaser? See if you identify with one or more of the following.
- You don’t know how to say No. You never say No. It’s not even in your vocabulary.
- You apologize for everything. Even for breathing too deeply.
- You get along with EVERYONE.
- You don’t really experience fun and enjoyment.
If you can identify with one or more of these, don’t worry you are not alone. People pleasing is a common practice. Why are we people pleasing? The short answer, to meet our basic human need to feel a sense of belonging. As this is our primal instinct it also makes it difficult to stop the unhealthy ways in which we seek out and find (or not) this sense of belonging. Here are other reasons as to why we people please and maybe you can relate to these also.
Were you conditioned to say yes to your career or adults as a child? As a South Asian woman, it was frowned upon if I didn’t say yes to something that was being offered or asked of me from an adult or a career. Saying “no” would be considered rude and extremely disrespectful. It truly is difficult to unlearn these conditionings especially if the understanding through these messages is that if you say yes, you are a “good” girl, respectable and do as you are told. Evidently, this is one factor that determines your sense of self and more dangerously your sense of worth. So how could you ever say “no” when it only felt safe to say “yes”?
When did you or someone appoint you the group peace maker? I’m sure you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs. Conflict or the anticipation of conflict can trigger one of our fear/trauma responses called fawning. This is our way of appeasing or smoothing things over quickly in order to feel safe again. Sound familiar?
Constantly seeking approval from others can feel like a full-time job. Without this approval, what will determine your self-worth? There is a constant need to receive external validation in order to fulfill a sense of worth and continue to fuel self-confidence. This pattern develops into a vicious cycle, hence most of us find it extremely difficult to break free from this role.
Most of us lack the skill of boundary setting. The likelihood is that we learned that it is wrong to do so, hence for our brain and body, a very unsafe skill to practice, so we don’t. When we don’t place boundaries though, often we hold resentment, neglect our own needs and desires, and very often overcommit and then feel exhausted.
The price you pay for being a people pleaser
I don’t think you need me or anyone to tell you how trying to please people for most of your life is impacting and affecting you, do you? But I will anyway 🙂 You probably feel frustrated, maybe holding onto resentment, wondering why people aren’t as considerate as you, burnt out, scattered, highly stressed and anxious and not really having a true sense of identity (as this is dependent on the who/where/how/where’s). If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself and accept who you are, just the way you are, then no one else will either. You are not living an authentic life. This is the biggest price you are paying as a people pleaser.
Ready to resign as a people pleaser?
So how do you stop pleasing everyone you encounter? Read that again. How can you, as a single human being, please everyone that you come into contact with? Here’s the honest truth. YOU CAN NOT. Are you able to acknowledge how absurd this expectation that you have learned to set for yourself is? (Yes, it may not have started with you, but you sure are enabling the voice inside your head and giving it too much air time).
Making the decision to stop pleasing people in your life will require you to take a risk. A risk in which you will disappoint people because you have decided to place boundaries for the first time and to take care of yourself in some way. Learn how you people please. What does this pattern look like for you? Jot it down. Taking this step will require you to challenge your narrative. The one that has been blabbing on, if you set limits and say “No” people will no longer like you and don’t want to be around you. Don’t get me wrong, you may lose people, but that would be saying more about them and their ability to accept and support you as opposed to you not being a good person.
Trust me, it’s scary and there really is nothing that will make it less scary. The only solace I can offer you (based on my personal lived experiences and as a therapist hearing the brave lived experiences from my clients), it gets easier to say no and disappoint people. With some patience, time, compassion for yourself and lots and lots of practice.
Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
I see you there in the dark place, sitting alone. The silence is so loud, it’s deafening. Judgements of ourselves swirl around us, we are haunted by past versions of ourselves and taunted by predictions of the future.
Everything is heavy here. Everything is scary. The air is a thick fog of shame that weighs on every inch of the body. The weight is too immense. It’s invisible and crushing.
We work hard to make sure we’re alone in our dark places. It has always been safer to be alone. From the start, we have learned to manage everything on our own. We push people away, refuse help and withdraw from others. We don’t want people to see what it’s really like here. If they saw what it’s like where they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand. The dark place has convinced us that we are a burden and we are alone in this experience.
The dark place is a place I know well and I’ve have spent so much time I can recite the stories the dark place tells us by heart: to kill ourselves, that we are unloveable, we are inherently flawed, we escape this pain because it will never end, there’s something wrong with is, that no one really knows who we are, life will never get better or easier. The slippery story of this place weedles its way into the mind of the traumatized, the mind of the addict, the anxious and avoidant mind. The longer the dark story goes unchallenged, the louder it becomes and the harder it is to manage.
If you are there now, I won’t try to pull you out. The dark place has its hold on you, for now. I don’t want you to split in two. Instead I’m going to get in there with you, in your dark place, sitting beside you. Is that OK? Maybe we are on a bench together, maybe we are just staring at a wall. It doesn’t really matter what we do, just that we do it together. It is how we are hard-wired, to connect. Even though the dark place has convinced you that it’s safer to be alone, no one should be alone in the dark place. I’m with you, sitting beside you. Breathing in and out as the stories and self-judgments swirl around us. Let them swirl, watch them as they go.
There’s nothing to figure out or problem solve when we are in the dark place. Our goal is to simply survive. Accept we are in the dark place for now and do our best to hold on. Hold onto the bed you are laying on. Hold on to that memory of kindness from someone somewhere. Hold on to yourself and you can hold on to me too. We all need something to hold on to.
I know my dark place well and when the story is loud I will hold on. Even when the depression tells you horrible things about you, just hold on. You don’t need to fight or resist the story. Just let the story swirl. It’s just the story that depression tells you. It is not the truth, even when it feels like the truth. This is just a story of depression.
Hold on.
Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of Relearning Human
