The Self

Are you a people pleaser? See if you identify with one or more of the following.

1. You don’t know how to say No. You never say No. It’s not even in your vocabulary.
2. You apologize for everything. Even for breathing too deeply.
3. You get along with EVERYONE. 
4. You don’t really experience fun and enjoyment.

If you can identify with one or more of these, don’t worry you are not alone. People pleasing is a common practice. Why are we people pleasing? The short answer, to meet our basic human need to feel a sense of belonging. As this is our primal instinct it also makes it difficult to stop the unhealthy ways in which we seek out and find (or not) this sense of belonging. Here are other reasons as to why we people please and maybe you can relate to these also.

Were you conditioned to say yes to your career or adults as a child? As a South Asian woman, it was frowned upon if I didn’t say yes to something that was being offered or asked of me from an adult or a career. Saying “no” would be considered rude and extremely disrespectful. It truly is difficult to unlearn these conditionings especially if the understanding through these messages is that if you say yes, you are a “good” girl, respectable and do as you are told. Evidently, this is one factor that determines your sense of self and more dangerously your sense of worth. So how could you ever say “no” when it only felt safe to say “yes”?

When did you or someone appoint you the group peace maker? I’m sure you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs. Conflict or the anticipation of conflict can trigger one of our fear/trauma responses called fawning. This is our way of appeasing or smoothing things over quickly in order to feel safe again. Sound familiar? 

Constantly seeking approval from others can feel like a full-time job. Without this approval, what will determine your self-worth? There is a constant need to receive external validation in order to fulfill a sense of worth and continue to fuel self-confidence. This pattern develops into a vicious cycle, hence most of us find it extremely difficult to break free from this role. 

Most of us lack the skill of boundary setting. The likelihood is that we learned that it is wrong to do so, hence for our brain and body, a very unsafe skill to practice, so we don’t. When we don’t place boundaries though, often we hold resentment, neglect our own needs and desires, and very often overcommit and then feel exhausted. 

The price you pay for being a people pleaser

I don’t think you need me or anyone to tell you how trying to please people for most of your life is impacting and affecting you, do you?  But I will anyway 🙂 You probably feel frustrated, maybe holding onto resentment, wondering why people aren’t as considerate as you, burnt out, scattered, highly stressed and anxious and not really having a true sense of identity (as this is dependent on the who/where/how/where’s). If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself and accept who you are, just the way you are, then no one else will either. You are not living an authentic life. This is the biggest price you are paying as a people pleaser. 

Ready to resign as a people pleaser?

So how do you stop pleasing everyone you encounter? Read that again. How can you, as a single human being, please everyone that you come into contact with? Here’s the honest truth. YOU CAN NOT. Are you able to acknowledge how absurd this expectation that you have learned to set for yourself is? (Yes, it may not have started with you, but you sure are enabling the voice inside your head and giving it too much air time). 

Making the decision to stop pleasing people in your life will require you to take a risk. A risk in which you will disappoint people because you have decided to place boundaries for the first time and to take care of yourself in some way. Learn how you people please. What does this pattern look like for you? Jot it down. Taking this step will require you to challenge your narrative. The one that has been blabbing on, if you set limits and say “No” people will no longer like you and don’t want to be around you. Don’t get me wrong, you may lose people, but that would be saying more about them and their ability to accept and support you as opposed to you not being a good person. 

Trust me, it’s scary and there really is nothing that will make it less scary. The only solace I can offer you (based on my personal lived experiences and as a therapist hearing the brave lived experiences from my clients), it gets easier to say no and disappoint people. With some patience, time, compassion for yourself and lots and lots of practice.

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

I see you there in the dark place, sitting alone. The silence is so loud, it’s deafening. Judgements of ourselves swirl around us, we are haunted by past versions of ourselves and taunted by predictions of the future. 

Everything is heavy here. Everything is scary. The air is a thick fog of shame that weighs on every inch of the body. The weight is too immense. It’s invisible and crushing.

We work hard to make sure we’re alone in our dark places. It has always been safer to be alone. From the start, we have learned to manage everything on our own. We push people away, refuse help and withdraw from others. We don’t want people to see what it’s really like here. If they saw what it’s like where they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand. The dark place has convinced us that we are a burden and we are alone in this experience. 

The dark place is a place I know well and I’ve have spent so much time I can recite the stories the dark place tells us by heart: to kill ourselves, that we are unloveable, we are inherently flawed, we escape this pain because it will never end, there’s something wrong with is, that no one really knows who we are, life will never get better or easier. The slippery story of this place weedles its way into the mind of the traumatized, the mind of the addict, the anxious and avoidant mind. The longer the dark story goes unchallenged, the louder it becomes and the harder it is to manage. 

If you are there now, I won’t try to pull you out. The dark place has its hold on you, for now. I don’t want you to split in two. Instead I’m going to get in there with you, in your dark place, sitting beside you. Is that OK? Maybe we are on a bench together, maybe we are just staring at a wall. It doesn’t really matter what we do, just that we do it together. It is how we are hard-wired, to connect. Even though the dark place has convinced you that it’s safer to be alone, no one should be alone in the dark place. I’m with you, sitting beside you. Breathing in and out as the stories and self-judgments swirl around us. Let them swirl, watch them as they go. 

There’s nothing to figure out or problem solve when we are in the dark place. Our goal is to simply survive. Accept we are in the dark place for now and do our best to hold on. Hold onto the bed you are laying on. Hold on to that memory of kindness from someone somewhere. Hold on to yourself and you can hold on to me too. We all need something to hold on to. 

I know my dark place well and when the story is loud I will hold on. Even when the depression tells you horrible things about you, just hold on. You don’t need to fight or resist the story. Just let the story swirl. It’s just the story that depression tells you. It is not the truth, even when it feels like the truth. This is just a story of depression. 

Hold on. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of Relearning Human

In the book I’m reading (Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas), a main character says as they are about to engage in war: 

“…and you will likely throw up again. But just remember that this fear of yours? It means you have something worth fighting for – something you care so greatly for that losing it is the worst thing you can imagine” (page 684). 

Fear is undeniably part of the human experience. We all feel fear. It can show up as a tight knot in your stomach, racing heart, or a mental block and procrastination. Whether it’s going on a date, checking an email, or speaking up in a meeting, fear often holds us back from achieving our goals and living the life that aligns with our values. But, what if we could transform that fear into a catalyst for action? Managing the fear and moving forward anyway is a key strategy for personal growth and success. As the title says – feel the fear and do the damn thing. 

Understanding fear as a natural, human response 

Fear is a normal human emotion designed to protect us from danger. However, in today’s world, most of our fears are not life-threatening. Often when the fear response is activated, it is because we are doing something different and stepping out of our comfort zones. This distinction allows us to approach fear not as an enemy to avoid but as a simple, normal, human signal that maybe we are challenging ourselves or being given an opportunity to stretch and grow. Instead of becoming stuck in fear, we can use it as a guide to where we might want or need to grow and change.

Recognizing and accepting fear 

ReLearning being Human is a continual process and it includes accepting fear. Accepting fear as a normal and expected part of the human experience is the first step to overcoming it. Instead of being overwhelmed, denying, suppressing or avoiding your anxiety, recognize it as a natural, human response. Mindful practices can help you build the muscle of awareness so that you can manage the fear when it naturally comes up day to day. You can find various mindful practices here. Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. The process of accepting your reality as it is without turning away from it, is about making peace with your fear and using it as a starting point for action.

Using curiosity to question fear 

Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of?” 

“Why does this fear exist?”

“What do I think will happen if I do (or don’t do) X?”

“How is the fear trying to protect me and keep me safe?”

By understanding the root of your fear, you can address it more effectively and help support yourself to walk with the fear, instead of avoiding it. 

Take small steps

Large goals are often overwhelming and exacerbate the fear and subsequent avoidance. Breaking down goals into smaller, bitesize tasks can help manage the fear and overwhelm when starting a task. Try using micro goals to create manageable goals that might be less activating. You can learn more about micro goals here.These incremental steps can make the process less daunting and help build a sense of accomplishment in the process. 

Ask for help

Asking for help might be fear-inducing in itself! AND we can’t be an expert in everything. If you are struggling to manage your fear, reach out to fellow humans who both feel fear, and help themselves and others learn how to accept and manage it. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/ Psychotherapist & Co-founder of ReLearning Human

Playing hide and seek has always been a favorite of mine as a child and even now in my 40’s and sooooo what? Watching my nephews and niece laugh with excitement and joy is priceless. We don’t play anymore as adults, do we? The world has weighed us down and most of us have lost our childlike innocence. We are often afraid of what others will think if we are rolling around in the park with our children or sliding down the slide without any children (OK fine, questionable) or skipping down the street!

This is not just about getting back to your inner child; however, playing has a significant impact on our mental health. For the better and here’s how:

Play can reduce our stress. When we engage in play we naturally shift our focus to something. Yes, just like that! This helps us even for a few moments to feel less stressed. Our body also releases endorphins (the feel good hormone) so we feel good. This can help us to manage our symptoms of anxiety and depression.

We won! Winning a challenge or learning a new skill can help enhance our self-esteem and confidence contributing to a healthier view of self.

Our ability to adapt: When we are engaging in play, it entails trial and error. If the stakes aren’t that high we can sometimes feel more at ease with setbacks and losses. Adapting and managing low level stress can be helpful in managing stress when the stakes are in fact higher. So losing in a game of scrabble can be helpful! You’ve allowed yourself an opportunity to learn how to manage your stress (good on you!).

Learn to build connections: We are social beings and engaging in social activities not only breaks us out of our isolation, it can help enhance and build stronger relationships. When we participate in play, specifically in team activities, we are learning how to work together, deepen bonds and work through conflict when the opportunity arises.

Stimulating your brain: As we age we actively need to work on keeping our mind sharp (remember, our brain is a muscle. If we don’t use it, we lose it). Engaging in activities such as word puzzles or strategy games can help with our attention, memory and problem solving skills.

Are you feeling playful? If you are but don’t know how, here are some ways you can introduce play into your life:

Be spontaneous. If you feel like playing, being a little silly, then go ahead. Play. If something stops you from acting out on this desire, you can check in with yourself. What’s stopping you? Is it enough to stop you from having a little bit of fun? 

You have the option of scheduling in play. We schedule everything in our day-to-day lives, so go ahead and schedule in some playtime. 

If you have forgotten how to have a little bit of playful fun you can also try to learn a new hobby, try a different activity and asking google is always an option. You can also try this worksheet https://static.showit.co/file/bsyLudH7O2-UxYvcGS73ww/182439/play_worksheet.pdf to support you getting started in your playful journey AND if you wish to experience the joys of play and incorporate it into your life right now, first put down your device and get out. Go on, take care of your mental health, have some fun and PLAY! 

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW, psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

Feel it through. Harnessing, trusting and using your intuition to create the life you want.

Intuition:  a natural ability or power that makes it possible to know something without any proof or evidence: a feeling that guides a person to act a certain way without fully understanding why- Britannica Dictionary 

We understand this from a cognitive perspective however there are very few of us who practice following our intuition. Other terms you may be familiar with, “sixth sense, gut feeling or neuroception” coined by Dr. Stephen Porges. Most of us humans are conditioned to use our intellect and cognitive thought processes rather than tapping into our intuition. 

The past few years, I have had many clients speak openly and courageously about their “gut feelings”, their “Spidey senses” and how, if they just paid more attention, listened and trusted they would have made better decisions for themselves. My response is often the same, “You needed your rational brain to protect yourself from whatever fear you thought the outcome would be, the outcome that you most likely would not be able to manage at that time. You need time to experience, to grow your courage, strength and to trust your person to get to this place. Now when you feel that gut feeling, you may be ready to listen to it. Ready to do the thing that you did not want to do because you will have to feel what you do not want to feel”. Followed by, “feel it through”.  Most often this is responded with a scoff, or a look of disbelief and maybe even some nervous laughter.  

We all want the answers, right?! The calculated decisions with the guarantee that the decision is the “right” decision the “right” outcome and…it needs to make sense. And the truth is we can’t make sense of our intuition. What I also share with my clients full heartedly believing and knowing this, “you know yourself best, follow your intuition, it is the one thing that never lets you down”.

All of us have experienced that feeling, the feeling in the pit of our stomach telling us what we need to do, sometimes yelling at us. Our deeper knowing that we cannot make sense of but follow it anyway, well not all the time. So why is following our intuition worth a try? How can we learn to tune into our deeper gut instincts? How can we train ourselves to develop these senses further and how can we use our intuition to grow and expand every aspect of our life? 

Why is following our intuition so important?

This gut feeling has helped us survive since our primitive years and has nothing to do with how smart we are or our level of education. Some may refer to it as the process of quickly deducting information built on experiences, connections, patterns however intuition is not a cognitive experience. It is an emotional, intuitive experience. These hunches give us clarity and help us make the best decisions for our lives. The challenge is not allowing outside pressures or influences to intercept this guidance. When we don’t follow our intuition more problems are likely to arise in the future, again not so easy to do as we are often preoccupied with what others think about our life decisions, listening to what others say we “should do” or how stupid would we look if we made decisions following our gut or heart and not our head.  

How can you tune into your intuition?

It’s always been there. It can take some time to tap into if you haven’t become familiar with it yet or if you have chosen to ignore it and now decided otherwise. As humans, we are influenced and highly impressionable by our external environment (social media, structure of educational systems, news, etc.) and slightly closer to us, our caregivers, family, culture, religion, faith, etc., all of which create our view of the world and how we learn to view ourselves. We learn from a very early age to listen to elders, authority figures, follow or be forced to submit to a system, a certain kind of “order”. 

Along the way we often lose or second guess our internal cues (intuition being one of them) and fall victim to the noise around us.  When we ask ourselves if this makes sense, what is rational or logical about this we often forget to ask ourselves, what am I feeling? What values do I hold, what feels right for me? If things don’t align or make sense but that “feeling” is strong, go with that feeling. It is ok to stop and listen to what you are feeling. Sounds strange right? to listen to what you are feeling. Paying attention to our body and our feelings is the first step to tuning into our intuition.  When you are ready to develop your intuitive muscle, be patient and kind to yourself and as I share with clients, always at your own pace. 

Some ways to develop and nurture your intuition: 

1. Silencing the noise: allow yourself the opportunity to find a quiet place where you can relax, practice mediation, deep breathing and/or sit in silence for a few minutes (this may feel uncomfortable. Do it anyway). This will help calm your mind and help you to hear your intuition. What does it tell you? 

2. Feel your feels. Pay attention: Our intuition speaks to us through feelings, gut instinct and/or sensations. What are your feelings in certain situations? when you need to make a decision and when you are around people? Being curious and observing how you feel will help you become more in tune with your intuition.

3. Trust yourself: I often share with clients that they know themselves best. There is an inner wisdom that we all possess and to never dismiss these instincts. They are not coincidental or irrational.  Just because we cannot rationalise everything, make sense of everything we feel, does not mean we shouldn’t trust it. 

4. Practice of presence: Mindfulness exercises and the practice of presence can truly support your intuitive development. Being present is difficult to practice as we know. Our minds are often busied with thoughts about the past or worries about the future (our oldest friend as we know as anxiety). Mindfulness can sharpen our awareness and sensitivity to subtle cues of our intuition that are often quieted.

5. Body awareness: What is your body telling you? Intuition shows up through bodily sensations. Pay attention to when your body is feeling relaxed, tense or uncomfortable in areas such as your stomach or chest. These cues can guide you towards the right decision or what course of action you need to take.

6. Write down your experiences: keeping an intuition journal can help remind you of your inner wisdom and knowing when you can’t necessarily make sense of them. Tracking your intuitive patterns can help you gain a deeper understanding of how your intuition works. (it reassures me that I haven’t entirely lost all my marbles!)

7. Neuroplasticity (intuitive exercises to change our brain): We have the opportunity as human beings to change and strengthen our brain’s neurotransmitters and neural pathways. We can do this through engaging in new activities, stimulating our brain through creative expression, guided visualizations, being curious and nurturing a growth mindset. This can help build confidence and in turn, tuning in to our inner guide.

8.  Don’t be afraid to be on your own for a while:  We are not built to be alone and feel comfortable or safe on our own as human beings. However sometimes it is important to seek solitude to access your inner self without external distractions and influences. Doing this will strengthen your connection to self and to your intuition.

9. Take action (the risky part): Follow your intuition. When you receive intuitive insights let them guide you even when it feels awkward and uncomfortable. It doesn’t always make logical sense and that’s ok.

10.  Learn and Celebrate:  Reflect on your process when you allow your intuitive insights to guide you. What has been the outcome? How do you feel? Reflective practice helps to consolidate our experiences and provides a positive feedback loop. This not only strengthens our intuition but also our confidence to continue to follow it. And as I share with clients…CELEBRATE this experience.

Trusting your intuition: 

Your intuition doesn’t tell you what to do nor is it foolproof, however it can guide you to new opportunities that you may have never thought to consider. Sifting through genuine intuition and impulsive emotions (i.e. having an intense urge to connect with an ex-partner!) is important to learn and requires patience, self compassion, and self awareness.  

Our experiences are often muddled with our fears, judgments, wishes and we are receiving massive amounts of information, so we need to take time to sort them out. Our gut feelings feel the most intense when aligned with our core values, with these experiences it is important to balance between instincts and reason. Seeking inner guidance through your own Q&A session is often helpful. Asking yourself questions such as, “What is this hunch about for me (in my body and my mind)?” “What may I be missing?”, “can I connect with someone who has had similar experiences and ask for their observations?”. 

Trusting and following our intuition is accompanied with a tremendous sense of responsibility and accountability in our own lives. To reap the benefits or to suffer the consequences of these actions can feel unsettling especially when it is not backed up by a pros and cons list and infallible outcomes based on factual reasoning and logic. Well, this is how we convince ourselves right?  I often describe this as a disillusionment of control.  This also plays a factor as to why we don’t do the thing we innately know to do. Maybe it’s just too much of a risk when we don’t have the guarantees? This makes logical sense, and it is terrifying. 

We rely greatly on logic and reason as a society often dismissing our innate wisdom as human beings. It is essential however to trust ourselves in making decisions for our own lives and require a tremendous amount of courage. To make life decisions based on a hunch, not comparing to others, not listening to others, not being influenced by external factors might be considered as outrageous or maybe the most courageous way to live one’s life. Most successful people often speak of following their intuitive instincts and taking chances and risks and often dancing away to their own tune.

Are you reading to become your own intuitive expert? If you are ready, first know that you have access to it and can hone and nurture your intuition. Next, practice the guidance that resonates the most to you at your own pace. Pause, breathe & remember, your intuition is the one thing that never lets you down.

Authored: Kavita Patel co-founder of Relearning Human.

For support, connect with our Relearning Human therapists.