The Self
Have you ever had the experience where your mind starts wandering, and it may start off small but before you know it, you’re thinking of all the big life questions and getting caught up in it? There is a word for this — existential dread — and it’s likely that we will all experience this at least once in our lives.
We can start with defining it. Existential dread is the feeling of anxiety or hopelessness when we think about life. This may include overthinking all of life’s questions and meaning, the actions we take, if what we are doing matters, and so on.
If you’re feeling like this, it’s likely you’re not the only one – and I promise you’re not alone. It can be easy to get trapped in the thought process of all these questions, especially given the current state of the world. However, staying stuck in this place can and will have negative impacts on your mental health, but there are ways that we can live with and cope with these feelings as they arise.
First and foremost, know when to put the phone and social media away. I’m not going to make the argument that ignorance is bliss and that it’s better not to know, because that simply isn’t the case. Knowledge is important, but it is equally as important to know when to stop doomscrolling because there is a fine line between being knowledgeable and consuming too much. With social media, we have access to so much information, but our brains aren’t equipped to process the amount being thrown at it. So when you notice you’ve been reading and scrolling for too long, or it’s starting to make you feel anxious, make the choice to put the phone away and direct your energy toward something else.
Try journaling. Journaling can be a great tool in understanding how you’re feeling. It can be a safe and unfiltered method of getting your thoughts out on paper. If you’re unsure where to start, you can find some prompts here.
Find joy where you can and make the choice to create it. We’re not going to be happy all the time and that’s OK, but we can create and look for joy, even in the moments when we’re struggling. If you were to think about it now, what brings you joy? If you can’t think of anything, that’s OK too, maybe start brainstorming ways you can create joy for yourself, and start implementing them throughout your day and week where you can.
Look for comfort. What’s comforting to you? For me, it’s putting on one of my favourite movies or shows, or listening to a record, always in a dark room with a light projector on. But it can really be anything — putting on some comforting clothes, hiding under a blanket, watching a movie, cuddling with your pet, really focusing on anything that brings you comfort.
Engage with community rather than staying isolated. When we are feeling higher levels of anxiety or hopelessness, it can feel almost second nature to isolate ourselves. And we may do this emotionally or physically, but this is when I would argue it’s more critical to find yourself in community. What does community look like to you? It can be friends, family, support groups, or joining a local group of people with similar interests. Alternatively, if it’s more accessible, online communities can be an excellent way to connect with people, especially finding those with similar interests or experiences as your own.
Accept the emotions as they come rather than hiding from them. From a young age, we’re taught not to experience or show emotions that are seen as “negative,” like anger, sadness, anxiety — but instead, we should allow ourselves to feel all the emotions. If you feel rage, let yourself feel it instead of bottling it up. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. What’s important is displaying them and moving forward with them in ways that support you.
I’m not going to tell you this feeling will go away or that any correct set of coping or grounding skills will ‘fix’ this feeling, because simply put, that would be a lie. There’s just too much that is going on during the day to day for this feeling to just disappear. But because we’re in it, it can be helpful to find moments and things that bring you joy and comfort. And it’s best to remember, you’re not in it alone.
If you want to connect and explore therapy, you can reach out at co*****@*************an.com. If you’re not quite ready for this step yet, you can find mindfulness resources here or worksheets here.
Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW
There’s nothing easy about a breakup. I have been navigating a separation with my ex-partner for the past four years. We still live under the same roof. Our home we were building dreams in. The way we would renovate it, children/no children? hosting family & friends, celebrating life milestones, growing old. You know all the stuff you dream about when you are building a life with someone. We are friends most of the time and we do our best to try to approach each other with love, care and understanding. We are not successful with this all the time. There is no right or wrong way of doing a breakup and the truth is there is no easy way. It hurts like hell, even when you know in your core that you have come to the end of your romantic relationship. Even when you know it is the right thing for you.
If any of this resonates with you, continue reading. I’ll share some things I’m learning along the way. Perhaps it will allow you to offer yourself some compassion and grace (consistent and necessary practice of mine) through the uncertainties, fears, and newness of your life if you have, are or will soon be experiencing a breakup of a romantic partnership. More importantly, so you know that you are not alone.
I think the hardest part is understanding and accepting that there has been a change in connection with your partner. The experience of acceptance is transient. Never the same. There are ebbs and flows, five steps forward, ten steps back. There is the confusion, the doubt, the reoccurring question, “Am I making the right decision?” It’s OK that this happens. Your brain is trying to understand this new reality, it feels unsafe and questionable because it is new. It is also a loss. And grief changes our brain and takes time to heal and relearn how to be. How to exist. It’s not only our heart that feels temporarily broken, our brain does too.
There is a difference between love and compatibility: Love is often what brings two people together and keeps the relationship intact for the most part. With life circumstances, grief and loss of loved ones, values or goals may evolve over time, it can often make it difficult for both people to grow together. This is why some relationships don’t last.
Emotional growth: This plays a big role in trying to see things from your (ex) partner’s perspective and it requires you to work on yourself emotionally; in doing so, it allows for compassion not only for yourself, but also in approaching your ex (partner) with compassion rather than bitterness, anger or resentment (it’s OK that you feel all these emotions BTW).
Letting go… with grace? Easier said than done but not impossible. What often helps is reframing the narrative: the shame and fear of judgment is raw, and you often feel like a failure when you couldn’t make the relationship work. Reframing this life transition as a natural progression and an opportunity for growth helps. An opportunity to grow for the both of you.
Healing through forgiveness: This remains a work in progress and I imagine it will be ongoing throughout my life if I’m being honest. Forgiveness allows for healing and to navigate from a space of love even when things go wrong. There are no particular steps in how forgiveness works, and again it takes time, it does require intentionality though. Do you want to forgive? This question is a good place to start. A way to gain clarity and decide how you want to move forward. Or at least try to anyway.
Relearning and rebuilding a friendship after “that” kind of love: Not everyone does this, wants to or can maintain a friendship after a romantic partnership and it’s OK. Or at least not right away. Sometimes considering it as an option, even if in the future, can offer up some sense of relief (and if children are involved, there will be some form of contact I imagine). The point is, we don’t hear of good breakups, do we? So, not limiting what could be and how love can take on a new form, a healthier, more amicable relationship could be helpful.
What have you learned from this experience? Each relationship teaches us something valuable. We can choose to believe this or not. When the relationship ends you can still hold the love that you once had close to your heart and appreciate this as a learning experience. Whatever the learnings are you can carry these into your next relationships. Learning to love, knowing that you have and can love, maybe without regrets and you did/are doing your best is a powerful takeaway.
Self-care, self-reflection and self love: These are the three S’s that carry me through everyday. I value myself; I see my imperfections as perfections and this breakup broke me but didn’t kill me. You are able to experience breakups and understand that it does not diminish your self-worth (this is a constant battle with societal pressures. F**K ‘EM). Seeking support from friends who have also experienced a breakup/separation or divorce, whichever label you choose to place on it, is incredibly helpful. You don’t feel as isolated and alienated. Having a therapist is essential or any safe space where you can talk or express your feelings and feel validated with them. Do the things you love to do even when they feel like they are few and far between “nothing” most of the time. And remember, you are still lovable.
Breakups are hard and it doesn’t have to mean that the love you had is lost, it can evolve into something else- growing apart in a way that makes sense and fits for the life that you want to create now and for your future, whilst honouring the past. Love does transform and can take on many forms and it’s OK to move on. I promise, you will move on.
Remember you don’t have to do “your breakup” on your own. When you are ready, please reach out to our therapists: co*****@*************an.com.
Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder or ReLearning Human.
Yes, it is still a thing. Today I was driving downtown Toronto and I found myself smiling. I know maybe I’ve completely lost the last of what was intact of my mind, but I really don’t think that’s the case ( still in question 🙂 It was around 9:15 am, so yes there was traffic, but what I realized I was doing was paying attention to the sky, hanging like a backdrop to the buildings, how the sun was shining and reflecting against the windows. It was beautiful, and I thought to myself, this makes me happy. I am happy right now, at this moment, I am happy.
It’s really great when we are able to access these small moments of joy, contentment and, when acknowledged, we can find ourselves basking in some happiness. I know, it doesn’t take me much, but the point I’m trying to make is that it still is possible to feel this happiness if we give it some attention.
Here are some intentional practices that have helped me access happiness some of the time:
Practice of gratitude. Have you tried this? If you haven’t, try it now if you want. Take a minute to think about something or someone you are grateful for, perhaps your life. I mean that you are alive. That’s always a great place to start, I suppose. Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to shift your mindset toward happiness. What I appreciate about the practice of gratitude, is that it helps you shift focus from scarcity to abundance.
Letting go of perfect. It doesn’t exist. If you are aiming for perfectionism, you are most likely unable to experience many moments of joy and happiness. Is this true for you? It’s helpful to accept that mistakes and imperfections are a natural part of life and being human. We are messy, life is messy, and that’s OK.
Doing something nice for someone. Ever bought a coffee for the person in line behind you? Or told someone they have something in their teeth? Doing nice things for others helps us feel good about ourselves and can sometimes elevate our mood. Helping others triggers the release of feel-good hormones like oxytocin, which can lead to increased feelings of happiness.
Have you laughed today? There’s a beautiful memory I have with my sister. We were sitting together at our family home when I started to laugh. Soon my laughter was uncontrollable and my sister, not knowing what I was laughing about, followed suit. We laughed for a few minutes uncontrollably, without a worry in the world. It feels wonderful to laugh. Not only does it improve our mood, but it is linked to reducing stress, feeling relaxed and boosts our immune system. So laugh, laugh and laugh some more.
Practice presence in nature, if possible. To be honest, it’s easier and it’s kind of like getting a head start. Without a device and noise. It could feel scary and awkward but if you have the opportunity try it. Practicing presence trains our minds to appreciate the present moment, not regrets of the past or worries of the future. Doing this in nature jumpstarts the process as being in nature soothes our brain and helps us restore balance in our body and mind.
There are many intentional practices we can start to implement in our lives if we are serious about feeling truly happy. Try one of these practices, the one that feels the most natural to you, the one that calls to you and start there. Try this practice for three days. If you want to keep going, try it for three weeks. If you find yourself feeling happier, keep going for as long as you want to feel happy 😊
What’s helped me the most is accepting that we cannot and will not feel happy all the time. It is a series of small choices and practices we make every day that can foster this happy mindset. Accepting that life will be challenging, hard and painful at times while making space for moments of joy, gratitude and connection we can build a realistic, hence sustainable, sense of happiness that comes from within ourselves. Not from the outside and/or by someone else. You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled and YOU have the power to make it happen.
Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW & Co-founder of ReLearning Human
Whether we are talking about our colleagues in the office, our social circle or family, we all seek a sense of belonging. According to many self-help gurus, clinicians and even researchers, belonging is being able to accept all parts of you – your darkness and your light and go one step further, and share those parts with those around you
So ask yourself – Where do I belong?
How do I accept my less pretty parts? My anxious parts? My angry parts? My scared parts?
How do I find or create space for myself where I feel a sense of belonging?
Who (what friend, family, colleagues) can I show up as fully (or more fully) myself?
How can I describe how I feel when I do belong?
Who are the people who support me as I am vs. how or who I should be?
I would bet all my pennies that you can name many places where you don’t belong. Maybe you don’t see yourself represented at work, perhaps you wear a mask in your friend group or intentionally withhold parts of yourself with your family. Maybe you struggle to accept those not so great parts of you too. Trust me, I get it. I have parts that I’m not wild about in myself either.
We do this. We separate ourselves from ourselves. We sidestep our needs, wants and desires. Funnily enough, to belong.
For all of us, there are parts of ourselves that we shun and hide away from for fear that if we show up fully as ourselves, as our fucked up, flawed (and beautiful) selves, that we will be rejected as our authentic selves. The trouble is, when we don’t show up authentically, we are already rejecting ourselves.
I don’t promote showing up as fully yourself when it feels overwhelming to do so. There are some people who do not deserve to see you as you are. There are people who, because of their own stuff, can’t appreciate experiences that are different from their own.
Over the years (and in an attempt to figure out “what was wrong with me”), I have been diagnosed with GAD, SA, SAD, PDD, ADHD, PPD, PPA, PTSD. With all these letters, I have more letters attached to my name than a PhD Neurosurgeon!
But how can I be a therapist if I have so many wonky parts? I should have it together right?
Wrong.
No one gets a gold medal for being a human being. No one gets a price for grinning and bearing it. For keeping calm and freaking out alone and not telling anyone how you are feeling – shame those emotions away and you develop IBS or other gut disorders.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t manage your tendencies. But you have to accept those knee jerk reactive parts before you do anything about them. Shame will not create lasting change in your life, neither will avoidance, but acceptance and management will.
I am an imperfect human, an imperfect Mum, partner, friend, daughter, business owner. I practice welcoming my human-ness, in every way. As Rumi says:
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
translation by Coleman Barks (The Essential Rumi)
Experiencing the range of human emotions takes practice when you come from a background, family, or community that has taught you to suppress parts of yourself. To varying degrees, we all struggle with this. From one human to another, thank you for being here and for showing up as human.
Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human
Have you ever had those moments when you’re alone or with a group of people, and just think, “Who am I?” We spend so much time searching for who we are — and it makes sense. Our identities are so closely tied to us, it can feel like such an astronomical question to ponder. Some people may have such a strong sense of who they are that it’s second nature to them. But for many, when the question “Who am I” arises, it leads to more questions. When we don’t really know what our identity is, we may move through different versions of ourselves or shift based on the people we are around to fit in. But when we get caught up in all of these identities, a fog can form around us, which makes working on understanding who we are so critical to improving our overall happiness and well-being.
There are so many different things that go into who we are and that have a hand in shaping our identities, including:
- The people we spend time with — do you ever spend an extended period of time with someone and notice you pick up on their habits or common phrases? Think of your family, friends, loved ones, and others you interact with. These individuals, whether it’s noticeable or not, can be a large part in shaping who we are.
- Society – society plays such a large role in our identity as our interactions are shaped around social pressures, how we may feel we need to be seen, social norms, and more.
- Labels – identity or other labels may shape how we see ourselves, as well as the labels others give us.
- Experiences – and I mean all kinds of experiences can shape us, whether they are positive, negative, or anything in between.
But while these factors can shape our identities, they don’t necessarily have to be held close to our identity, they can simply just be a thing. For instance, our traumas don’t define us, they might have just simply dysregulated our nervous systems. Also, for some people, they may have reminded them of their strengths and that may feel like a significant part of their identity.
While I would love to say that once we understand who we are, we will unlock all of the answers to our identity, the reality is, that couldn’t be further from the truth. We are human, always evolving and changing based on our lived experiences. There are things we will learn that remain static, but other things that will change based on the seasons of our lives. So, I would argue that this is a lifelong goal. We may know who we are at the moment, but that might change a little, even if many core aspects of our identity remain the same. And because of this, it is important to keep checking in, making this a process.
But if you’re feeling stuck in the fog and questioning who you are, there are ways to relearn and reconnect with yourself.
- Try journaling. It is an unfiltered way to check in with yourself and see where you are right now and track how things are going. If you’re not sure how to do this, you can start documenting things you enjoy now, or alternatively, try this worksheet here.
- Explore your interests and hobbies. These are important pieces of you and you can share them with the world if you feel a push to.
- Explore your strengths or talents, your passions, and your values.
- Is there something that you want to be remembered for? It doesn’t have to be anything extreme; it could just be kindness or humour. This question can reveal a large part of who you are and want to be, as well as the impression you want to leave on others.
- Consider who you are when nobody’s around. Sometimes we may feel most like ourselves if we don’t feel we have to perform an identity for others.
- And most importantly, spend some time with yourself. Try going beyond just watching a show or scrolling through social media. This is an important practice to carve time out for yourself. It’s helpful to check in with ourselves without the distraction every once in a while.
Remember, this is a lifelong practice, and it can be challenging to learn who we are right now, what our interests are, and in turn, share these with others. But it can be rewarding when we find spaces and people that celebrate who we are, as well as when we do this for ourselves. So try reconnecting with yourself, it may open up new possibilities.
Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW
