The Relearning Blog

We are in our “Let Them” era with Mel Robbins’ fabulous theory that advises us to let go of managing the emotions of others, letting go of other people’s actions, choices, opinions and judgements. Instead of reacting with anxiety or frustration, the concept of radical acceptance (a pillar of DBT and other modalities we use here at ReLearning Human) is coming into focus with the practice of accepting, instead of resisting. 

Accepting folks as they are might initially sound like you are allowing others to disrespect, abuse or treat you poorly but this is not the practice. Experiencing someone just as they are allows you to fully see the person, how they interact with the world, with you, their beliefs and perspectives. This vital information gives you the opportunity to make informed decisions about how you want to interact with this person. 

If someone is consistently defensive, closed, judgemental, comparative, or passive-aggressive and is not open to your feedback, then you may want to look at how you engage with them. Feedback, openness, vulnerability are needed and necessary for relationships to flourish. This does not mean cutting the person out, this means adjusting your expectations around how this person can show up for you. 

There is peace in power in letting go of things you cannot control. Hopefully the exercise below will help further and deepen your practice of acceptance, of letting go and letting others be as they are without resistance. 

The step-by-step guide to “Let them” & radical acceptance 

Build your awareness: The first and I would argue the hardest step in accepting, practicing awareness. Awareness is really about being able to identify your thoughts, feelings and behaviours and how your internal world impacts others.

In order to build your awareness, you have to slow down. This doesn’t mean Pamela Anderson in Baywatch slow, this means actually knowing what is happening for you in real time. Are you Angry? Anxious? Sad? None of these experiences are bad, they are actually a normal part of being human. How did you feel today and how might that be coming off to other people?

Know your triggers: With awareness as a solid foundation, recognizing what grinds your gears, what brings you to tears and what makes you shut down will help you pause when you are upset, angry or dysregulated. What bothered or upset you today? Unless your life is perfect, you experienced some reactivity today. 

Don’t react: When you feel upset, pause. Are you making someone’s emotion or behaviour about you? Stop. This is not about you, it’s about them. Refocus on your breathing, do a body scan or somatic exercise (peep the somatic exercise here or find some resources and mindful practices here). 

Share and set boundaries if needed: Let the person know that their behaviour felt bad for you.“Hey when you compared me to your other friend it hurt, I’m sharing this not to judge you but because I might have seemed off afterwards when I abruptly stopped texting. I don’t know why it hurt but it did and I want you to know because I care about our relationship.” You are not judging them, shaming or blaming them. You are sharing what happened for you (you can control you). 

If they are not open, if they are defensive, angry, judgemental or tell you are being sensitive you can repeat the same process. Let them know their actions hurt you. If they are not open, then it is boundary time. Change your expectations of them and how you interact with them. Let them be as they are, you change. 

Focus on You: Redirect your energy to your goals, passions and interests. When you find them occupying space in your mind, keep re-focusing. The less space we give people in our mental house, the less space they take up. 

Practice daily & forever: It’s easy to read a book about mountain climbing, it takes a lot more practice, effort and consistency to climb a mountain. Reading a self-help book and practicing are two different things. You cannot evolve if you do not practice. 

Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human