The Relearning Blog

Playing hide and seek has always been a favorite of mine as a child and even now in my 40’s and sooooo what? Watching my nephews and niece laugh with excitement and joy is priceless. We don’t play anymore as adults, do we? The world has weighed us down and most of us have lost our childlike innocence. We are often afraid of what others will think if we are rolling around in the park with our children or sliding down the slide without any children (OK fine, questionable) or skipping down the street!

This is not just about getting back to your inner child; however, playing has a significant impact on our mental health. For the better and here’s how:

Play can reduce our stress. When we engage in play we naturally shift our focus to something. Yes, just like that! This helps us even for a few moments to feel less stressed. Our body also releases endorphins (the feel good hormone) so we feel good. This can help us to manage our symptoms of anxiety and depression.

We won! Winning a challenge or learning a new skill can help enhance our self-esteem and confidence contributing to a healthier view of self.

Our ability to adapt: When we are engaging in play, it entails trial and error. If the stakes aren’t that high we can sometimes feel more at ease with setbacks and losses. Adapting and managing low level stress can be helpful in managing stress when the stakes are in fact higher. So losing in a game of scrabble can be helpful! You’ve allowed yourself an opportunity to learn how to manage your stress (good on you!).

Learn to build connections: We are social beings and engaging in social activities not only breaks us out of our isolation, it can help enhance and build stronger relationships. When we participate in play, specifically in team activities, we are learning how to work together, deepen bonds and work through conflict when the opportunity arises.

Stimulating your brain: As we age we actively need to work on keeping our mind sharp (remember, our brain is a muscle. If we don’t use it, we lose it). Engaging in activities such as word puzzles or strategy games can help with our attention, memory and problem solving skills.

Are you feeling playful? If you are but don’t know how, here are some ways you can introduce play into your life:

Be spontaneous. If you feel like playing, being a little silly, then go ahead. Play. If something stops you from acting out on this desire, you can check in with yourself. What’s stopping you? Is it enough to stop you from having a little bit of fun? 

You have the option of scheduling in play. We schedule everything in our day-to-day lives, so go ahead and schedule in some playtime. 

If you have forgotten how to have a little bit of playful fun you can also try to learn a new hobby, try a different activity and asking google is always an option. You can also try this worksheet https://static.showit.co/file/bsyLudH7O2-UxYvcGS73ww/182439/play_worksheet.pdf to support you getting started in your playful journey AND if you wish to experience the joys of play and incorporate it into your life right now, first put down your device and get out. Go on, take care of your mental health, have some fun and PLAY! 

Authored by Kavita Patel RSW, MSW, psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

There is a hype of the “how to’s, when to’s, who to’s, how many to’s” in the wild world of dating and romantic relationships. Whether you are looking for the “right” person (I’m sorry if you still think this is a thing), or you have been with who you thought was the right person and are still questioning it after 15 years of togetherness, then continue reading. You are exactly where you need to be.

You are one of the many humans out there who are trying to figure out this “love thing” or maybe not even love as the way we have been conditioned to think about it, but maybe the “companionship” thing. Can it be that they are the same thing? Maybe one just sounds sexier than the other. 

As human beings we are all seeking a sense of belonging and companionship. Makes sense right? To want company, to want to belong. To want to be accepted and loved for who we are. We are wired to seek this out, however we may be complicating our need for belonging more than we need to. We tend to do this as humans, don’t we? I’m not simplifying the complexities of a romantic relationship by any means. I can’t even, even if I tried. Romantic relationships are a beast, a chaotic and beautiful ecosystem in their own right. 

Truth is, as adults we do not allow ourselves (because most of us have learnt that it is unsafe) to be vulnerable with our feelings. Whether it be on our first dates, or with our partner of 20 years who has commandeered the right side of the couch. 

Some reasons that often prevent us from sharing and being our authentic selves and expressing our feelings is nestled in how we have learned to perceive ourselves, others and the world around us. These views are created by our earlier relational bonds. How we were loved, cared for, learnt about safety or feeling unsafe as a child, etc. From these learnings, most of us hold on tight to our shame, insecurities, pain, trauma that on the surface may look like resentment, anger, frustration of wanting something else perhaps or wanting to be someone we are not. Or the classic one, wanting our partners to be someone they are clearly not.

These views of ourselves can get in the way of being ourselves, our true selves and as a result, blocking the possibility of feeling connected in any relationship. So maybe we need to get back to the basics. Here are some very basic, very hard, very important, and maybe helpful questions that can get you started on figuring out what you want in a relationship (the one with yourself too) and/or what’s blocking you from being in one or jumping out of one.

What does your blueprint of a relationship look like? 

Who’s your role model for a healthy relationship? Do you have one?

What are you looking for in a partner? Why?

What are you willing to contribute in a relationship and offer to your partner? (Yes this is required of you.)

What do you feel in your body when you are close to your partner? 

Are your core values aligned? Do you know what yours are? Do you know theirs? 

(Yes you can ask this on your first date. What do you have to lose?)

Are you willing to put your ego aside? (There is no room for ego in a relationship if you want it to work.) 

If not, what’s stopping you?

Are you expressing your needs and wants? (No, your partner cannot read your mind, I don’t care how long you have been together!)

Relationships are so complex, and the one with ourselves is probably the most complex. Have you been able to answer these basic questions honestly? I commend you for even trying to answer them and if you had some difficulty in answering honestly, it’s OK. No one is judging you but yourself. If you are wondering why it was difficult for you, curious to learn more about yourself, the way you show up in relationships or why you’re not in one, you can reach out with our therapists at ReLearning Human (https://relearninghuman.com/starting-therapy#team)  who can help facilitate a deeper dialogue with you. To hold a safe space for you  so you can start to answer some of these questions, honestly. It’s hard, but not impossible. Maybe basic but not so simple and if you are still reading, it’s possibly because you’re wanting some kind of change in your life? Maybe you’re ready to take a chance, take care of your mental health to help you get back to some real connections.

Oh and a little nugget of hope there may be the “right enough” person out there 😉

Authored by: Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Individual & Couples Therapist and Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our freedom to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom” – Viktor Frankl.

Your phone dings and you immediately check for a message while eating dinner with your family

You walk by a bakery and start salivating and tears come to your eyes before your brain clues into your memories of freshly baked bread 

You see crumbs on the floor and become angry at your roommates (is that just me?)

An email comes through and you immediately start thinking “it’s my day off, why are they emailing”  

As humans we are constantly observing and reacting to stimulus (sights, sounds, emotions, thoughts). When we are moving about life in a reactive state, there isn’t time or space for our logical mind to kick in. Reading this you might think “well, I’m pretty logical and self-aware, I don’t need therapy”.  Think again. 

If you sometimes:

• Avoid conflict or shut down and retreat in conflict 
• Feel defensive and criticized with feedback 
• Blame other people or situations for your problems 
• Have blow up fights (including hypothetical fights in your mind)
• Replay conversations in your mind and overthink
• Feel blindsided or surprised by other peoples actions 

You might not be as aware as you think and that’s OK. Very few people are intrinsically self aware (I’ve never met someone who is). You can practice self-awareness and see great changes  through this simple practice. 

Stop what you are doing 

• When you feel yourself reacting – stop. Freeze. Say something like “I’m reacting” or “I’m reactive” (if you’re a nerd like me you can say “My amygdala has taken over”).

Take a breath – get our of your mind and into your body

• Tune into your body and create intentionality around your breathing. Notice how your lungs expand and contract with every breath you take. Slow everything down. If your mind is racing, keep breathing and focusing on your breath until it starts to slow. 

Label what’s going on (this is the hardest part because we don’t like to feel those damn emotions) 

• I feel angry, I feel anxious, I feel upset, I feel overwhelmed, I feel some kind of way 

Problem solve

This will look different for everyone. For me it includes breathing, prioritizing, asking for help, taking a break (2 mins), letting go of tasks, journaling, emailing my therapist in a panic, feeling through the emotion. 

Everyone’s process and problem solving will look different because we are all wired differently. What works for you might be detrimental for someone else. It’s important that you find a plan that works for you. Explore ReLearning Humans No B.S. Resources and team members anytime. You don’t have to do this alone, we are here to support when you are ready. 

Humans are not so different from computers. As humans, we are only able handle so much before we start to lag, short circuit, overheat and explode. Our bandwidth (pun intended) to manage information, experiences and stimulus depends on a number of factors including hormones, our sleep, weather, over-all health and nourishment, feelings of connection and many others. 

One of the challenging things about being human is that we actually haven’t evolved that much AND we believe we are much more evolved than we are. Our nervous system is still wired to constantly be on the lookout for anything that might impact our ability to survive. Yes, I am referring to the email notification, text message or upcoming doctor’s appointment that has us in a mental frenzy. 

What your mind perceives as dangerous is out of your control. What is within your control is how you respond when your brain jumps into survival mode. Being aware when your survival brain has taken over is a learned skill. Once you become aware of that, you can train your brain and body to cool down and respond instead of react.

One of the ways we can “restart” our system is by breathing. Slowing down and tuning in to our breathing signals to our parasympathetic system that we are safe, there is no danger and it can calm the f*** down. Use this breathing sphere to slow the pace of your breath and reset your system.

I decided to write on this particular topic as I have recently experienced the greatest loss of my life. I am grieving the loss of my sister. My person. She transitioned in December 2022. She fought Leukemia (AML) and lung GVHD (graft vs host disease she developed in her lungs from her stem cell transplant). If I were to write she lost her battle to cancer, I’m pretty sure she would deliver me a cosmic pinch on my arm.

As a mental health practitioner and may I remind myself and you, a human first, we are so often challenged with having (yes, the “I should” because I am a therapist) to practice “healthy” coping, implementing self care techniques and “doing the work” as I often share with my clients. However, as a human, when you are faced with these human challenges, all this shit often goes out the window.  Sometimes in order to merely survive we dive headfirst into isolation, numbing and avoidance, anything to prevent feeling the unsurmountable pain, both physical and emotional. 

Here are some of the ways I am experiencing and navigating with my grief and loss. Some of these reminders and choices may also help you navigate yours. Is it possible to cope and continue to live with and through your grief & loss. 

Some of the things you may experience after the loss of your loved one:

Fatigue   

Overwhelm with all the “feels” 

Grief fog  

Loss of appetite or increase in appetite.

Inability to be around people (those you love, maybe?)

Difficulty sleeping

Anxiety

Depression (extreme sadness)

Isolating yourself

Consuming yourself with your lost loved one 

This is not an exhaustive list of the symptoms you may experience. All the symptoms you experience are normal after losing someone you love. 

When you are ready to heal and take steps forward in healing, these are some tips that may help you:  No one knows the best way to heal but you!

Grieve in your own way. That is the only way.

I talk to my sister and hear her what her response would be and feel her presence. I incorporate her into my life in any which way I can (yesterday I made Shepards pie. It’s not my favorite but it is hers). And it’s ok. However, it feels isolating and most days I feel a little, a lot crazy.

I am learning to accept that no two people will grieve the same way. Sometimes it’s easy to feel guilty, angry and isolated when you don’t grieve in a certain way or the way people around you, or the world wants you to grieve. Let go of the guilt when you are ready, it will not help you heal and allow yourself permission to grieve exactly the way you need to in the moment. It’s ok.

Self care. Even when you’d rather not.

Grief engulfs every aspect of your life, it is a full body and mind experience and can be entirely debilitating and so confusing. The last thing I wanted (want to do some days) is get out of bed, exercise, at times I did not want to allow myself any opportunity to experience joy and moments of happiness. Guilt can be very loud sometimes, and you wonder why and what’s the point of taking care of myself? And you do it anyway.  Only you know what your capacity is, what you can and can not handle.

Here are some of the ways that I have been able to take care of myself. You may be able to resonate with some and try:

Spending lots of time in nature

Going to the lake at my sister’s (your loved ones) favorite spot (if possible, of course)

Exercising (this means movement of body)

Nourishing my body with healthy meals and drinking lots of water

Breathwork, Somatic exercises (this may not feel safe for everyone) Meditation.

Painting, cross stitch

Therapy 

Journalling 

Working less (saying ‘No’)

Zoning out, into my grief binge watching television (yes this is ok)

Practicing non-judgment and self compassion when I turn to alcohol or substances to numb the pain.

Reaching out for support from those who know what’s up. 

The exact dates and time frame is unclear however not long after my sister transitioned, I joined the Princess Margaret Hospital support group for bereaved family members at Wellspring. It was the start of feeling less isolated and enabled me to understand and fully accept that not everyone grieves the same. There were family members with unresolved anger towards their loved ones, denial (I was in this group) and still with courage and vulnerability we were able to share, feel seen and heard in the most difficult time.  Along with the support group I continued with my individual therapy sessions with my therapist (yes, every therapist should have a therapist!) and have had many conversations and continue to do so with those that have also lost loved ones. There is a comfort and ease when you know they get it. You don’t have to say much at all, and this means everything.

Surround yourself with people you love and love you. When you want to.

It’s not always easy to do. Most often being around people you love and creating new memories is a bittersweet and sometimes a painful experience, a reminder that your loved one is not here anymore. So, surround yourself with people you love when you want to because although your loved one is not here in physical form, there are others around who do love you and love for you to be around in any emotional state you’re in. Just as you are. Shifting your mind to what you still have and to want to create for your life and future is necessary in your healing journey.

Keeping memories alive and celebrating the life of your loved one

I think I’ve made it somewhat of a mission of mine to ensure that my sister is remembered and celebrated. We had a weeklong celebration for her where we released her ashes on her birthday in Jamaica as per her wishes. We are fortunate that we were able to grant her this wish. I have built strong connections with some of her dearest friends, and they share their memories of my sister. Together we are keeping her memory alive through the tears and the laughter.  There are photos of her in my home, some of her belongings that are the dearest to me and my family. Her clothes are still in her closet at my parents home. Periodically we step in and smell her clothes. Talk to her in her childhood bedroom and feel maybe a little closer to her. Beautiful paintings that she painted during her last two years on earth are placed all over the home. She is remembered, missed, loved and celebrated every day. 

You can keep memories of your loved ones alive. Creating an album, memory journal, recordings of your thoughts are some other ways you can do this for yourself and share with family and friends if it feels right for you.

Leaning into your faith and spiritual beliefs

I am a Buddhist by practice and what I mean by that is I chant/pray and create clear determinations daily for my life, the one I wish to create for myself. It is also the time (well one of many times throughout the day) in which I connect and feel closer to my loved ones that have transitioned. It is when I have conversations with my sister and wish her love and light in her continued journey. It’s what allows me to have hope in my healing journey and connectivity to all things within me and around me. It is my grounding. My anchor.

If you have religious or spiritual belief lean into this part of you for support and guidance through your grief and your healing.

Trust in time

My clients hear me say this, A LOT. Trust in timing or to be more accurate, “I trust in timing”. Time does heal. Maybe not entirely heal but what I am experiencing is that there are moments when the grief feels lighter and a little more manageable. I haven’t experienced this consistently though. Grief is not linear, sometimes we feel like we are doing quite well and managing and then the next moment, day or week we are feeling the intense loss and fall into the depths of our sadness all over again. I wake up some days with the thought of, “is this true?”, “Oh no she’s really not here”. With time however, these periods in between feel more spread out. 

Take time to heal, do not rush your process and be kind and gentle with yourself. You can do this and you are not alone. Your brain is trying to make sense of a new reality without your loved one in it the way they used to be. You are relearning to live essentially with loss, building a new life around your grief, hence time is an essential component in your process.

Try to take good care of yourself (when you can) & Breathe.

This blog is dedicated to my sister & soulmate Janki Patel. Her last words in her eulogy she left for us… 

You are strong. You are brave. You are loved. And you are enough just the way you are. All is well. Until we meet again.

Authored: Kavita Patel Co-founder of Relearning Human

For support, connect with our Relearning Human therapists.