The Relearning Blog

Did you drop or quit your New Year’s resolution yet? We are two weeks into the new year so If I could take a guess, most likely you have broken one or two? You may think this is a “negative” outlook from a therapist and maybe my scrougieness hasn’t worn off yet? Probably accurate and what I want to share with you is that it’s OK if you broke or dropped your New Year’s resolution(s). If you did, they were most probably unrealistic, hence unattainable and definitely not sustainable. Or you never really wanted this change in your life? The beautiful, marvelous part about this real life situation is you get to start again. Any time of the year. And hopefully, when you are truly ready or not, but feel a little more determined by/from your internal wisdom and your life, rather than the date and month in the calendar (not to mention the ridiculous societal pressures/construct of NY resolutions). You might not agree with this and that’s OK. But if you are one of the people that have broken a New Year’s resolution, I would challenge you to give it another try… when YOU are ready.  Do you know what makes you ready for things? Ready for change?

What does your body feel like?

(Tense, ease, excited for this goal?)

What words are you using to speak to yourself?

(Are you being kind? Mean? Doubtful?)

What does the work and effort required on a weekly/monthly basis look like in order for you to reach your goal?

(Have you done this before? Is the change you are seeking going to shock your body? Your mind? How embedded and committed (willingly, consciously or not) have you been to this pattern you are trying to change and introduce newness? How many years?)

What support system do you have in place?

(Yes, you can ask for help. Who will you reach out to when you feel yourself slipping back into old patterns? When this change feels too hard? Do you have an accountability buddy? [I hate this term] Who’s your people?)

Get where I’m going with this? You need a plan. Some kind of plan is required in order for your New Year’s resolution to be attainable. With a realistic plan in place, you may even start to believe that you will be able to reach your goal. It becomes believable, maybe trust in yourself more through experiencing small and consistent change. There is a vision in mind (cheers to you lovers of vision boards and believers in manifestation!). The reason why a plan is key is that we are never really ready for change. Or I should say that our brain is never really ready for change; however, we know we have the ability to change and adapt. With a plan, determination, kindness and compassion to self, belief in one’s strength, internal wisdom, purpose and letting go of the limitations we restrict ourselves by, things can happen. This groundwork is required before & during the occurrence of change. Not always possible as there are external factors to consider, and we don’t have control over those elements. But we can plan with the flexible mindset that plans change and change is constant.

For some of us New Year’s resolutions do work and for some it just doesn’t. It becomes another reason to beat up ourselves and feel discouraged that we failed once again. If you are expecting your brain to adjust and be OK, and even like the change in just one day, week or month you are setting yourself up for failure. It will take time, patience, repetition and desire, discipline and determination (my three favourite “D’s”).

We are only two weeks in so, you have some time to try again if you want and if this change is a priority to you. Before you start again, please ask yourself this. Why the change? Why is it important to YOU now? And if it is truly important to you, what’s the kind, realistic, supportive and sustainable plan you will put into place for yourself? At any time of the year.

If you need some support like we all do in creating a realistic plan in achieving your goals and getting to root issues of why you don’t or feel you can’t, our therapists at ReLearning Human also experience the same human-like challenges and are here to support you when you are ready. Please connect with us at co*****@re*************.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here. If you are not ready to speak to a therapist, you can check out our micro goals worksheet here to guide you with taking small steps in making things happen.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Ever feel like your mind is jumping ahead of your body? It happens so quickly; our brain gets hijacked by future worries. Thinking about what to cook for supper? Then when do I buy the groceries? should I go to the bank first, shit I have to cancel my dentist appointment, I really need to sort out my banking… we are soon spiraling downwards. Breathing more heavily, feeling tightness in our chest or a fogginess clouds our mind. For some of us, this is how our anxiety shows up.

When the thoughts jump out at us, we don’t always notice it right away and we sure get caught up in our anxiety, dysregulated and feel out of control. Because we are. This is until we can bring awareness to our anxiety (name it) and learn to regulate our nervous system. In this moment of awareness, we can come back to our breath. This is the magic of breathing, we have access to it all the time until we don’t, and it doesn’t require a tremendous amount of effort, just practice.

Here are three questions to help bring us back to the now:

1)      Where am I?

2)      What am I doing?

3)      Who am I with?

In order to answer the first question, I have to completely stop. Breathe. Deep breaths and ask myself where am I? Firstly, this is to interrupt my mind from racing, being scared and to remind myself that my body is safe. Maybe at this point I have not entirely convinced my mind but I am present to my surroundings.

Secondly, what am I doing? Again, first I take a few deep breaths, asking myself what EXACTLY I am doing. I bring awareness to what my physical actions are, sometimes to the thoughts in my mind however at this point, not so important. At this moment I am bringing awareness to what I am doing. I am bringing myself back here. Also reminding myself that I am safe.

Who am I with? Am I alone, with someone else? Usually when I’m alone, I draw my attention to my body, most often rubbing my feet together or gently rubbing my arm or even my chin. If I have drifted off into my spiral and I am with someone, I do my best to bring my attention to the person’s eyes or some part of their face that draws my attention, and again, deep breaths and then reestablish connection with this person.

This practice has helped significantly when my mind is racing. It is not so easy, but with practice it can become a useful tool to bring you back to the present moment. With this practice it is also important to hold a space of kindness and non self judgment as you may be learning how to be present for the first time. So, it will take time for your brain to adjust to this newness.

If you would like some guided meditations to help with the practice of being present, coming back to the here & now, check out this link. If you feel you are ready to explore discussing your anxiety and learn other strategies in managing your anxiety with a therapist, check out our therapists’ bios here.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW, Registered Social Worker/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

…But there might not be. You are human. It’s normal to get carried away with your thoughts and have your mind going here, there and everywhere. Repeat after me, there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me AND there are things I might want to work on that will make life a bit easier or a bit brighter. 

As humans we have 70,000 – 100,000 thoughts a day and not all of them are happy and joyous. We can get caught up in some pretty wild and dark thought processes and that’s OK, that’s human. We are hard-wired for safety. You might think “but that meeting I’m ruminating about doesn’t impact my ability to survive” and you are right AND for some reason your brain thinks it does. I’m not going to attack or kill the squirrel when I walk up to it but it runs away anyways. We have to accept what our mind sees as a danger. That is the first step in managing our own version of humanness. 

Just because our mind is running a marathon and flitting from thought to thought like some sort of anxious and judgemental Ninja Warrior, doesn’t mean we have to go with it. When your mind runs away, try to become aware of it. Once you become aware of the mental race you’ve been running, exhale. Come back to the room you are in right now. 

What day is it? 

What time? 

Are you seated or standing?

What are you wearing?

Can you feel the weight of your clothes on your body?

Can you feel the support of the chair under your butt or your feet on the floor?

Do you notice anything around you? 

Any noises you can hear? 

Can you feel your hands? Your pinky fingers? 

Orient back to the here and now and train your brain. It sounds easy doesn’t it? It is not. Noticing when your mind has wandered off, away from the present moment and bringing it back is hard work. You deserve to give yourself credit for that hard work. Simply training your mind can help manage a whole host of mental experiences like: anxiety, depression, insomnia, stress, anger and more. We all have stuff, baggage, and things that are either getting in the way of us living our lives or things we just want to work on and manage. 

This type of activity is mindfully-based using your senses. Mindfulness is a really simple process of recognizing when the mind has wandered off into thought and coming back to the present moment. There are lots of ways to practice mindfulness including guided meditation, visualization, grounding techniques and lots more. You can find free resources for this here. 

Being a human is not easy. You likely have a lot on your mind and are managing a lot (even if your mind says it’s not that much). If you feel like you have done the self-help routine, if you have tried therapy, if you have tried alone reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com and we will do our best to support. 

Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human

Perfect doesn’t exist — it can be a painful sentence to hear and I’m sorry if it seems harsh, but it’s true. It can be especially difficult to come to terms with when it feels like we’ve been wired to be perfect all of the time. I get it, I really do, but it’s exhausting, right? The need to overachieve, sometimes overworking to reach high standards we set for ourselves, still not being happy with the outcome, and then the cycle repeats.  

While perfect doesn’t exist, perfectionism does, and this separate entity can feel really heavy at times. So why don’t we start with defining exactly what perfectionism is. Perfectionism is the tendency to create high standards of what may be deemed “perfect.” These high standards we set out for ourselves, may often lead to being hyper-critical of choices and what we’ve done. And this can find its way into various parts of our lives — if you’re not exactly sure how, think of aiming to get 100% on a test, but also applying this mindset to work, different relationships, social interactions, etc.

Perfectionism can be a bit of a downward spiral that we get trapped in, as a result, perfectionism can lead to different experiences, such as:

• An increase in anxiety and depression
• Higher levels of self-doubt and lower self-esteem
• Being overly critical of ourselves
• A decrease in productivity
• Not feeling like you’re living in the present because of overthinking about the past and what may be perceived as mistakes, as well as being worried about the future and the ability to perform
• An impact in functioning when perfect standards aren’t met 
• And overall, potentially spiralling into nothing ever feeling good enough

It can be helpful to explore where perfectionism stems from. This can help to quiet the anxieties around the need to be perfect all the time, especially when we realize that more often than not, the voice of “perfect” wasn’t originally ours to begin with. Perfectionism comes from the way we are conditioned — some of our earliest experiences are defined by the way we perform and that perpetuates into various stages of our lives. Because of this, it can be difficult to distance ourselves from these standards when so many facets of life can seem dependent on it, even when we aren’t fully conscious of it happening. But it is not impossible, no matter how daunting it can seem at times.

So how can we work with the desire to be perfect and lean toward acceptance? There are a few steps we can take:

• First, acknowledging that perfect doesn’t exist is a big step. We are all human and that means it gets messy and imperfect, and that’s okay.
• Remember, that when we make mistakes, it’s not a reflection of who we are or what we are capable of, it’s just a mistake. And mistakes are okay to make. 
• Understanding that it is hard to break out of this mindset; it’s all a process, sometimes it will be easier and other times it will be harder.
• Work through the stress associated with perfectionism — for instance, through journaling (not sure where to start or experiencing writer’s block? Start with this worksheet here).
• As well, perfectionism can be associated with fear of failure or other fears we experience. If this sounds familiar, it might be helpful to explore the fear and work toward facing it. You can learn about facing your fears here and try this worksheet here.
• Finally, one way to work on accepting that being perfect doesn’t exist could be to do something outside of your comfort zone that requires a little bit of practice. By doing this, you’re taking something where the perceived risk is small and working with it to overcome the need to be perfect in whatever it is that you’re doing. In my case, I decided I wanted to learn to crochet. And while I started with some basic tutorials, I still managed to make many funny mistakes along the way. Even now, I will sometimes look at a project and have a moment where I know that I haven’t followed a pattern correctly, but I choose to laugh at it and accept the imperfection. 

While it can feel overwhelming at times, there are ways to move through perfectionism rather than be run by it. Want support with this? Reach out to us at co*****@re*************.com .

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Did the title make you feel uncomfortable, or did it intrigue you? Or both? Your initial reaction might be linked to your learnings and experiences around the act of sex, sexuality and sensuality. What do you think about sex? Do you enjoy sex? Are you able to talk openly about sex and your sexual experiences? OR does thinking about sex bring up feelings like embarrassment, disgust, fear? If so, you are not alone and you may be struggling with sexual shame.

Sex shame can look and feel very different for each of us. If you grew up in a household where the tv channel was switched because a sex scene was on the screen like I did, the likelihood of feeling anything but uncomfortable is unavoidable. The message absorbed is that sex is dirty, taboo, and if you can’t watch it, you surely should not be “doing it.” It’s shameful.  

A simplified way of defining sexual shame is the sense or a feeling that something is inherently wrong or bad in you and anything remotely revolving around sex. You may feel this about the way your genitals look, the shape or size of your body, sexual fantasies, desires, who you are sexually attracted to or any kinks that you may have, and so on.

 So where have you learned sexual shame?

These learnings are not isolated to our family homes. Some of our culture or religious beliefs contribute to our sexual shame. We may not be aware of it or not want to believe it does have an influence, but it does. Some of the teachings around sex say that it is sinful, particularly outside of the construct of marriage (and you are having sex outside of marriage), or that sexuality as a whole is bad or dirty. This can instill feelings of guilt around normal, natural, sexual thoughts and behaviors.

What did we learn about our bodies growing up? From a young age we are bombarded with false messages about what our bodies should look like and how we should behave. Absorbing and believing these messages can lead to body shame. Body shame is closely tied to sexual shame. The media doesn’t help either. As we know, it often promotes constricted standards of beauty and what is sexy. Although we’ve made some strides in the past ten years or so, we still have a way to go. These messages formulate an unrealistic idea around sex and what is acceptable or not that can leave us feeling guilt (what I’m doing is bad) and shame (I am bad).

On a heavier note, individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or abuse may have internalized feelings of shame around their sexuality, associating sexual experiences with disgust, pain, fear or violence.

 How is sex shame showing up in your life?

There are so many consequences of sexual shame that we may not be aware of. Here are some of the experiences you may have or are encountering in your life. Sex shame can lead to sexual dysfunction such as lack of desire, inability to orgasm, inability to have penetration or full penetration (i.e.: vaginismus) without pain, difficulty with arousal, and so on. You may experience low self-esteem due to feelings of shame around your sexuality, often increasing levels of anxiety and depression. Shame around sex can often build walls in your romantic relationships prohibiting honest communication, misunderstanding and leaving partners feeling inadequate and dissatisfied. Not to mention even more isolated in their shame. You’re also most likely not able to experience full pleasure. Shame can make it difficult to fully enjoy sex, to evoke a sense of curiosity and explore your sexual desires in a safe way.

How can you reclaim your sexuality without shame? (Or at least try to)

It is possible to relearn your relationship with sex and your sexuality. Here are some things that might help:

Therapy: Talk to a trained professional. Someone that is able to hold a safe space for you without judgment. Your experiences and how you feel about sex are valid and talking to a therapist can support your need to be heard and validated. Learning ways in which to understand your shame can help you learn how to release it.

Consensual safe sexual practices: Sexual practices established around consent and respect will support transparent communication. Being able to share your needs and desires will increase chances of building positive experiences around sex and reducing shame.

Challenge your beliefs (a repetitive narrative doesn’t make it true): Check in with yourself and your beliefs around sex and your sexuality. Are these your beliefs? Are emotions such as guilt and fear motivating factors? Do these beliefs support your authentic self?

Educate yourself (SEX 101): You may need to go back to the drawing board. (I’m remembering the 50 mins of sex education class). It might be helpful to relearn about sex, sexual consent, sexual/reproductive organs, anatomy, etc. This may help debunk all that we think we know about sex or have learned about sex, what we should or should not be doing sexually and, more importantly, how to or not to feel. Learning that sex is natural and some of it not so sexy may help shed some of the shame wrapped up in these learnings.

Self-compassion: Being kind to yourself while working through shame will be necessary. Your sexuality is unique, no need to compare it to others and there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to work through your shame. Go at your own pace and what feels safe to you.

If you haven’t been able to label your sexual shame until now and wish to work on challenging and creating a new narrative around your ideas around sex, sexuality and sensuality, first and foremost, be kind to yourself during this process. It will require self-reflection, open communication, and a shift in your mindset. Healing from sexual shame is a brave and powerful step towards living an authentic life, having deeper and meaningful connections and cultivating a sense of empowerment and love for yourself. Reminder, you don’t have to do this on your own.

Please reach out to our team of therapists for support at co*****@re*************.com and you can check out ReLearning Human’s very own sex therapist Kehinde Ekpudu’s bio here. 

Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.