The Relearning Blog

“Why aren’t we talking about this?” This question is seared into my mind. One of my closest friends called me this past January and this was the first thing she asked as she was experiencing her father’s transition. Sitting in the hospital parking lot in her car, that’s when she called me. And then, we had a chat about things that matter and things we don’t nearly talk about enough. That we are all going to die. That we have some dying wishes or not, that we have fears about dying or not. The conversation was brief but that didn’t matter. The experience of the conversation is what mattered. What we were curious about, compassion, empathy, lived experiences, exploring emotions- sitting with them, space to sit with them, patience and love. Nothing to do about right or wrong, no solutions. That didn’t matter. It never does when death is near.

We don’t talk about death. We avoid it.  We live deeply in a death-phobic culture and this avoidance to accept the inevitable may just be the cause of our suffering rather than dying itself. For some of us anyway. As human beings, our brains are programmed to survive. It is not programmed to die. When people are dying there is a moment in which the brain/body still fights to survive. There is a surge in energy in the dying person. It’s actually called a death surge. Whether this looks like movement when they have not been able to move for months, or they have an appetite for their favorite food. There is lucidity. This is the body’s way of trying to remain in function- trying to survive. 

There is fear around death predominantly because we succumb into an unknown landscape. Full of uncertainty. So it does make sense that we don’t talk about death.

Now, I welcome you to join me in my curiosity about death and your own death. How do you feel right now? Observe, be curious and breathe. It’s OK.  

Death and the fear of death of my loved ones has surrounded me over the past decade due to their life threatening diagnoses and, in December 2022, my sister died. The person that I feared to lose the most since I have been alive, she died. And I am still alive and surviving and I have fully accepted this notion of death. None of us can escape it. So naturally as a therapist and a curious human I want to learn and talk more about it. I started to ask myself some questions around death. These are some of the questions you can ask yourself too. If the question doesn’t ignite something in you, move on to the next. I encourage you to journal your answers so you have something to come back to as a reminder that you have started the conversation around death and dying, even if it’s with yourself.

• What do I fear most about death? 
• Am I afraid to die? Why?
• What do I think happens after I die?
• What song(s) would I play at my funeral? What does this song(s) mean to me?
• How does my religion, culture, spirituality view death?
• What have I learned about death & dying?
• How would I want to die? 
• How do my thoughts about my death impact the way that I live?
• Is death truly an end or a transformation of some kind?
• What would I regret if I died today?
• What do I want to be remembered for? (Maybe you can write a short obituary of yourself)

Journaling about death and your death in particular can help ease some anxiety you may experience when you lean into your curiosity around death and dying. Speaking to others about death and dying can also help normalize this life event. Maybe we don’t need to fear it as much as we do? How do you feel after exploring these questions? You can journal about that too. What I am learning is that the answers to these questions will change over time as we grow older, evolve and experience loss. There is no right or wrong in how we answer these questions, there is no right or wrong in how we experience death and dying. But it is going to happen, so just as we work so hard in living a fulfilled life, maybe we can also put some thought and effort into dying a good death.

If you wish to seek support around death and dying you can visit our website here and book a consultation here with our therapists to find the best fit and start your conversation around death, dying and grief. You don’t have to do this alone. 

If you’re not ready for therapy but still curious about death, here are some book recommendations:

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK” – Megan Divine

“Briefly Perfectly Human” – Alua Arthur

“The Lost Art of Dying”: –  L.S. Dugdale

“The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss”- Mary Francis O’Connor

“Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe” – Laura Lynne Jackson

“How We Live Is How We Die”- Pema Chödrön

“How to Live When a Loved One Dies”- Thich Nhat Hanh

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human 

Have you ever had the experience where your mind starts wandering, and it may start off small but before you know it, you’re thinking of all the big life questions and getting caught up in it? There is a word for this — existential dread — and it’s likely that we will all experience this at least once in our lives.

We can start with defining it. Existential dread is the feeling of anxiety or hopelessness when we think about life. This may include overthinking all of life’s questions and meaning, the actions we take, if what we are doing matters, and so on. 

If you’re feeling like this, it’s likely you’re not the only one – and I promise you’re not alone. It can be easy to get trapped in the thought process of all these questions, especially given the current state of the world. However, staying stuck in this place can and will have negative impacts on your mental health, but there are ways that we can live with and cope with these feelings as they arise.

First and foremost, know when to put the phone and social media away. I’m not going to make the argument that ignorance is bliss and that it’s better not to know, because that simply isn’t the case. Knowledge is important, but it is equally as important to know when to stop doomscrolling because there is a fine line between being knowledgeable and consuming too much. With social media, we have access to so much information, but our brains aren’t equipped to process the amount being thrown at it. So when you notice you’ve been reading and scrolling for too long, or it’s starting to make you feel anxious, make the choice to put the phone away and direct your energy toward something else.

Try journaling. Journaling can be a great tool in understanding how you’re feeling. It can be a safe and unfiltered method of getting your thoughts out on paper. If you’re unsure where to start, you can find some prompts here.

Find joy where you can and make the choice to create it. We’re not going to be happy all the time and that’s OK, but we can create and look for joy, even in the moments when we’re struggling. If you were to think about it now, what brings you joy? If you can’t think of anything, that’s OK too, maybe start brainstorming ways you can create joy for yourself, and start implementing them throughout your day and week where you can.

Look for comfort. What’s comforting to you? For me, it’s putting on one of my favourite movies or shows, or listening to a record, always in a dark room with a light projector on. But it can really be anything — putting on some comforting clothes, hiding under a blanket, watching a movie, cuddling with your pet, really focusing on anything that brings you comfort.

Engage with community rather than staying isolated. When we are feeling higher levels of anxiety or hopelessness, it can feel almost second nature to isolate ourselves. And we may do this emotionally or physically, but this is when I would argue it’s more critical to find yourself in community. What does community look like to you? It can be friends, family, support groups, or joining a local group of people with similar interests. Alternatively, if it’s more accessible, online communities can be an excellent way to connect with people, especially finding those with similar interests or experiences as your own. 

Accept the emotions as they come rather than hiding from them. From a young age, we’re taught not to experience or show emotions that are seen as “negative,” like anger, sadness, anxiety — but instead, we should allow ourselves to feel all the emotions. If you feel rage, let yourself feel it instead of bottling it up. If you feel sad, let yourself feel sad. What’s important is displaying them and moving forward with them in ways that support you. 

I’m not going to tell you this feeling will go away or that any correct set of coping or grounding skills will ‘fix’ this feeling, because simply put, that would be a lie. There’s just too much that is going on during the day to day for this feeling to just disappear. But because we’re in it, it can be helpful to find moments and things that bring you joy and comfort. And it’s best to remember, you’re not in it alone.

If you want to connect and explore therapy, you can reach out at co*****@*************an.com. If you’re not quite ready for this step yet, you can find mindfulness resources here or worksheets here.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

There’s nothing easy about a breakup. I have been navigating a separation with my ex-partner for the past four years. We still live under the same roof. Our home we were building dreams in. The way we would renovate it, children/no children? hosting family & friends, celebrating life milestones, growing old. You know all the stuff you dream about when you are building a life with someone. We are friends most of the time and we do our best to try to approach each other with love, care and understanding. We are not successful with this all the time. There is no right or wrong way of doing a breakup and the truth is there is no easy way. It hurts like hell, even when you know in your core that you have come to the end of your romantic relationship. Even when you know it is the right thing for you.

If any of this resonates with you, continue reading. I’ll share some things I’m learning along the way. Perhaps it will allow you to offer yourself some compassion and grace (consistent and necessary practice of mine) through the uncertainties, fears, and newness of your life if you have, are or will soon be experiencing a breakup of a romantic partnership. More importantly, so you know that you are not alone.

I think the hardest part is understanding and accepting that there has been a change in connection with your partner. The experience of acceptance is transient. Never the same. There are ebbs and flows, five steps forward, ten steps back. There is the confusion, the doubt, the reoccurring question, “Am I making the right decision?” It’s OK that this happens. Your brain is trying to understand this new reality, it feels unsafe and questionable because it is new. It is also a loss. And grief changes our brain and takes time to heal and relearn how to be. How to exist. It’s not only our heart that feels temporarily broken, our brain does too.

There is a difference between love and compatibility: Love is often what brings two people together and keeps the relationship intact for the most part. With life circumstances, grief and loss of loved ones, values or goals may evolve over time, it can often make it difficult for both people to grow together. This is why some relationships don’t last.

Emotional growth: This plays a big role in trying to see things from your (ex) partner’s perspective and it requires you to work on yourself emotionally; in doing so, it allows for compassion not only for yourself, but also  in approaching your ex (partner) with compassion rather than bitterness, anger or resentment (it’s OK that you feel all these emotions BTW).

Letting go… with grace? Easier said than done but not impossible. What often helps is reframing the narrative: the shame and fear of judgment is raw, and you often feel like a failure when you couldn’t make the relationship work. Reframing this life transition as a natural progression and an opportunity for growth helps. An opportunity to grow for the both of you.

Healing through forgiveness: This remains a work in progress and I imagine it will be ongoing throughout my life if I’m being honest. Forgiveness allows for healing and to navigate from a space of love even when things go wrong. There are no particular steps in how forgiveness works, and again it takes time, it does require intentionality though. Do you want to forgive? This question is a good place to start. A way to gain clarity and decide how you want to move forward. Or at least try to anyway.

Relearning and rebuilding a friendship after “that” kind of love: Not everyone does this, wants to or can maintain a friendship after a romantic partnership and it’s OK. Or at least not right away. Sometimes considering it as an option, even if in the future, can offer up some sense of relief (and if children are involved, there will be some form of contact I imagine). The point is, we don’t hear of good breakups, do we? So, not limiting what could be and how love can take on a new form, a healthier, more amicable relationship could be helpful.

What have you learned from this experience? Each relationship teaches us something valuable. We can choose to believe this or not. When the relationship ends you can still hold the love that you once had close to your heart and appreciate this as a learning experience. Whatever the learnings are you can carry these into your next relationships. Learning to love, knowing that you have and can love, maybe without regrets and you did/are doing your best is a powerful takeaway.

Self-care, self-reflection and self love: These are the three S’s that carry me through everyday. I value myself; I see my imperfections as perfections and this breakup broke me but didn’t kill me. You are able to experience breakups and understand that it does not diminish your self-worth (this is a constant battle with societal pressures. F**K ‘EM). Seeking support from friends who have also experienced a breakup/separation or divorce, whichever label you choose to place on it, is incredibly helpful. You don’t feel as isolated and alienated. Having a therapist is essential or any safe space where you can talk or express your feelings and feel validated with them. Do the things you love to do even when they feel like they are few and far between “nothing” most of the time. And remember, you are still lovable.

Breakups are hard and it doesn’t have to mean that the love you had is lost, it can evolve into something else- growing apart in a way that makes sense and fits for the life that you want to create now and for your future, whilst honouring the past. Love does transform and can take on many forms and it’s OK to move on. I promise, you will move on.

Remember you don’t have to do “your breakup” on your own. When you are ready, please reach out to our therapists: co*****@*************an.com.

Authored by Kavita Patel, RSW, MSW & Co-Founder or ReLearning Human.

Do you have a task that no matter how hard you work at it or know it needs to get done, you find yourself spiraling, avoiding the task until the very last minute? If this sounds like you, you’re not alone.

Maybe you’re used to hearing phrases like: “Everyone has to do XYZ, it’s not that difficult,” “Have you tried putting it in a planner so you’ll get it done,” or the infamous, “If you just tried a little harder.” No matter how hard we can work at improving our habits or take the advice that was given to us, we still can’t get past the obstacle which can sometimes lead to feelings of shame. But I promise you, no matter how much it feels like a personal failing, it’s not. There’s usually a reason why we are struggling with a task. Have you considered what your reason could be?

If you don’t know what your obstacle is, that’s perfectly OK. We’re humans, always learning and evolving. But, if you spend some time with yourself, exploring why a particular task is so difficult for you, you may be able to find a workaround. And if you’re ready to start having this conversation with yourself, here are a few prompts to get you started:

• Is there a sensory experience (i.e., sight, smell, hearing, taste or touch) about this task that you struggle with?
• Is a disability causing obstacles in completing the task? If so, what about the disability makes the task difficult?
• What about this particular task bothers you?
• Is the obstacle that you would rather be doing something else?
• Are you overwhelmed with the aspect of starting or transitioning into a new task?

Now, considering the above:

• What could you do to make this task easier for yourself?
• Is there something someone else could do to assist you?

If you spend a little bit of time being curious about what obstacles are standing in your way, you may be able to find ways that make a task more manageable. If it’s something specific that gets in the way of completing the task, consider what might counteract it or eliminate it entirely. For example, I hate doing dishes (I mean, does anyone really like doing dishes?) and found myself constantly dragging my feet to do them because I’d get so overwhelmed. After looking into why I hated them, I found that I really just didn’t like the noise. So now, if I’m doing dishes, it is almost guaranteed that I also have noise-cancelling headphones blasting my favourite music because it just makes the task feel easier. But maybe it’s just the sheer number of steps that have to be taken to complete a task. And if this is the case, using micro goals may help get you started. You can find a worksheet for this here.

Other times, it could be just the way our body functions, whether it be executive dysfunction, fatigue or another factor that makes the task harder. A lot of people struggle with deadlines, no matter how much time is given, it’s most likely the work was saved to the very end, and then anxiety ensues. In this case, maybe setting an earlier deadline to have preliminary notes done and checking in with someone would help move the workflow along. Alternatively, if it’s physical, maybe there’s a way you can adapt your environment to make the task easier for you (I’m a strong believer that sitting down to do something makes the task significantly easier, at least for me it does).

And these obstacles do not always have to be there, they may just be situational. But the amazing thing about being human is that we can be adaptive, we’re wired for it. So, while maybe your needs change from time to time, it’s worth it to explore what you need at that particular moment.

We’re human, all different and unique — and that includes you — so it would make sense that maybe you need to approach something from a different angle. And there is nothing wrong with that. This change won’t happen overnight though, it may take a few tries to figure out what works for you, and that’s OK. And with this all said, there may not always be a workaround, and that’s OK too.

So, while this will take time and effort — and you are absolutely worth this effort — you do have the opportunity to make something more accessible and tuned to your needs. No matter what they are and even if they look a little different than how others do it. But if we take a moment to explore why we may be struggling with these tasks with gentle, self-compassionate curiosity instead of battling the obstacle and getting frustrated with ourselves or the task, we open ourselves up to the opportunity to find adaptive ways that work for us.

You aren’t alone in this; if you are ready to explore therapy, contact us at co*****@*************an.com or you can read through our therapists’ bios here and start your therapy journey.

Authored by Dani Caruso, BSW

Ever sit on the couch with your mind telling you the long list of things you *should* or *need* to do and you can’t seem to get up and actually do any of them? You sit there for minutes, hours or even days naming everything you need to do and judging that it’s not being done. You are anticipating how hard the task will be, criticizing yourself thinking that it’s easier for everyone else. You might even go through your day-to-day completing your tasks, but it takes every ounce of energy for you to get them done. 

The longer you avoid a task, the harder your brain will believe it is and the less resources it will have to do the actual task.

Your mind has overwhelmed you to the point of poking at your sympathetic nervous system and BOOM you are frozen. 

You have a good body, it is trying to help you survive when danger is present. You might be thinking, “But no danger is present!” If your nervous system is activated and you are frozen, it is because it has perceived a danger. Your brain is trying to logic you away from this reaction, and unfortunately, the animal  just does not work that way. 

You can start to thaw your freeze response by following these steps:

TALK TO YOUR BRAIN – say “Thanks brain but you aren’t being helpful right now.”

NAME WHAT’S HAPPENING – I feel frozen and that is OK, this a normal response, even if the fear is not logical.

HELP YOURSELF – The feeling of helplessness creeps in and we might start to notice apathy, some “why bothers” or “what’s the points” floating around in your mind.

START SLOW – Look at the corners of the room that you are in. Move your neck. It’s hard to stay stuck when you are in motion. Keep trying to note all the corners. 

GET UP – Often we experience this functional freeze or freeze experience when our bodies are laying or sitting. Even though it might look like rest on the outside, the mind is jumping from thought to thought and feeling anything BUT peaceful. Even if it’s one foot on the ground, or bending your knees. Move your body. 

CHANGE YOUR TEMPERATURE – Once you have successfully shifted that freeze response, splash cold water on your face, grab an ice cube and let it melt in your hand. If you are brave, go outside in the cold for a moment. Feel that change of temperature as it shifts you further out of freeze.

Managing the human system is not easy and we do often need more help with our practice. We are here when you need that extra bit of support. Reach out to co*****@*************an.com for other resources or to find a therapist that might be the right fit for you. 

Authored by Annie Amirault RSW & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human