A dedicated space to support your journey of relearning who you are and how you are wired
The Relearning Blog
Self-talk is a normal process that we all participate in daily, we all have an inner voice, and for some of us, that voice is an asshole. When we go with our automatic, reactive thoughts without recognizing and challenging them, it has implications that affect our emotions, motivation, resiliency and future accomplishments. Problems around self-esteem and self-confidence arise when our inner voice is persistently negative. This type of mental experience reinforces irrational, negative and black and white ideas that we have about ourselves, our relationships and our futures.
Someone once wrote: “If we talked to our friends in the same way that we talk to ourselves we would not have any friends.”
Ask yourself the following questions to challenge your inner critic, mitigate the impacts of negative self-talk and lessen your critical inner voice:
1. Challenge your thoughts
- What is my evidence for and against my thinking?
- Are my thoughts factual or are they just my interpretation of the situation or event?
- Am I jumping to conclusions? Mind reading? Predicting the future?
- How can I find out if my thoughts are actually true?
2. Look for alternative explanations
- Are there any other ways that I could look at this situation?
- If I were being positive, how would I perceive this situation?
- What would I tell a friend or loved one who has a similar experience?
3. Put it in perspective
- Is this situation as bad as I am making it out to be?
- What is the worst thing that could happen? How likely is it?
- What is the best thing that could happen?
- What is most likely to happen?
- Is there anything good about this situation?
- Will this matter in five years?
By acknowledging your self-critical voice and challenging its observations, you have the opportunity to create a change in how you relate to yourself and the world around you. Over time, being aware of your critical self-talk will actually rewire your brain. The more you practice pulling back from beating yourself up, the less automatic it will become.
Authored by Annie Amirault, RSW, MSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
Are you a people pleaser? See if you identify with one or more of the following.
- You don’t know how to say No. You never say No. It’s not even in your vocabulary.
- You apologize for everything. Even for breathing too deeply.
- You get along with EVERYONE.
- You don’t really experience fun and enjoyment.
If you can identify with one or more of these, don’t worry you are not alone. People pleasing is a common practice. Why are we people pleasing? The short answer, to meet our basic human need to feel a sense of belonging. As this is our primal instinct it also makes it difficult to stop the unhealthy ways in which we seek out and find (or not) this sense of belonging. Here are other reasons as to why we people please and maybe you can relate to these also.
Were you conditioned to say yes to your career or adults as a child? As a South Asian woman, it was frowned upon if I didn’t say yes to something that was being offered or asked of me from an adult or a career. Saying “no” would be considered rude and extremely disrespectful. It truly is difficult to unlearn these conditionings especially if the understanding through these messages is that if you say yes, you are a “good” girl, respectable and do as you are told. Evidently, this is one factor that determines your sense of self and more dangerously your sense of worth. So how could you ever say “no” when it only felt safe to say “yes”?
When did you or someone appoint you the group peace maker? I’m sure you find yourself avoiding conflict at all costs. Conflict or the anticipation of conflict can trigger one of our fear/trauma responses called fawning. This is our way of appeasing or smoothing things over quickly in order to feel safe again. Sound familiar?
Constantly seeking approval from others can feel like a full-time job. Without this approval, what will determine your self-worth? There is a constant need to receive external validation in order to fulfill a sense of worth and continue to fuel self-confidence. This pattern develops into a vicious cycle, hence most of us find it extremely difficult to break free from this role.
Most of us lack the skill of boundary setting. The likelihood is that we learned that it is wrong to do so, hence for our brain and body, a very unsafe skill to practice, so we don’t. When we don’t place boundaries though, often we hold resentment, neglect our own needs and desires, and very often overcommit and then feel exhausted.
The price you pay for being a people pleaser
I don’t think you need me or anyone to tell you how trying to please people for most of your life is impacting and affecting you, do you? But I will anyway 🙂 You probably feel frustrated, maybe holding onto resentment, wondering why people aren’t as considerate as you, burnt out, scattered, highly stressed and anxious and not really having a true sense of identity (as this is dependent on the who/where/how/where’s). If you don’t take the time to get to know yourself and accept who you are, just the way you are, then no one else will either. You are not living an authentic life. This is the biggest price you are paying as a people pleaser.
Ready to resign as a people pleaser?
So how do you stop pleasing everyone you encounter? Read that again. How can you, as a single human being, please everyone that you come into contact with? Here’s the honest truth. YOU CAN NOT. Are you able to acknowledge how absurd this expectation that you have learned to set for yourself is? (Yes, it may not have started with you, but you sure are enabling the voice inside your head and giving it too much air time).
Making the decision to stop pleasing people in your life will require you to take a risk. A risk in which you will disappoint people because you have decided to place boundaries for the first time and to take care of yourself in some way. Learn how you people please. What does this pattern look like for you? Jot it down. Taking this step will require you to challenge your narrative. The one that has been blabbing on, if you set limits and say “No” people will no longer like you and don’t want to be around you. Don’t get me wrong, you may lose people, but that would be saying more about them and their ability to accept and support you as opposed to you not being a good person.
Trust me, it’s scary and there really is nothing that will make it less scary. The only solace I can offer you (based on my personal lived experiences and as a therapist hearing the brave lived experiences from my clients), it gets easier to say no and disappoint people. With some patience, time, compassion for yourself and lots and lots of practice.
Authored by Kavita Patel, MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of ReLearning Human.
I see you there in the dark place, sitting alone. The silence is so loud, it’s deafening. Judgements of ourselves swirl around us, we are haunted by past versions of ourselves and taunted by predictions of the future.
Everything is heavy here. Everything is scary. The air is a thick fog of shame that weighs on every inch of the body. The weight is too immense. It’s invisible and crushing.
We work hard to make sure we’re alone in our dark places. It has always been safer to be alone. From the start, we have learned to manage everything on our own. We push people away, refuse help and withdraw from others. We don’t want people to see what it’s really like here. If they saw what it’s like where they wouldn’t understand, couldn’t understand. The dark place has convinced us that we are a burden and we are alone in this experience.
The dark place is a place I know well and I’ve have spent so much time I can recite the stories the dark place tells us by heart: to kill ourselves, that we are unloveable, we are inherently flawed, we escape this pain because it will never end, there’s something wrong with is, that no one really knows who we are, life will never get better or easier. The slippery story of this place weedles its way into the mind of the traumatized, the mind of the addict, the anxious and avoidant mind. The longer the dark story goes unchallenged, the louder it becomes and the harder it is to manage.
If you are there now, I won’t try to pull you out. The dark place has its hold on you, for now. I don’t want you to split in two. Instead I’m going to get in there with you, in your dark place, sitting beside you. Is that OK? Maybe we are on a bench together, maybe we are just staring at a wall. It doesn’t really matter what we do, just that we do it together. It is how we are hard-wired, to connect. Even though the dark place has convinced you that it’s safer to be alone, no one should be alone in the dark place. I’m with you, sitting beside you. Breathing in and out as the stories and self-judgments swirl around us. Let them swirl, watch them as they go.
There’s nothing to figure out or problem solve when we are in the dark place. Our goal is to simply survive. Accept we are in the dark place for now and do our best to hold on. Hold onto the bed you are laying on. Hold on to that memory of kindness from someone somewhere. Hold on to yourself and you can hold on to me too. We all need something to hold on to.
I know my dark place well and when the story is loud I will hold on. Even when the depression tells you horrible things about you, just hold on. You don’t need to fight or resist the story. Just let the story swirl. It’s just the story that depression tells you. It is not the truth, even when it feels like the truth. This is just a story of depression.
Hold on.
Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/Psychotherapist & Co-Founder of Relearning Human
In the book I’m reading (Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas), a main character says as they are about to engage in war:
“…and you will likely throw up again. But just remember that this fear of yours? It means you have something worth fighting for – something you care so greatly for that losing it is the worst thing you can imagine” (page 684).
Fear is undeniably part of the human experience. We all feel fear. It can show up as a tight knot in your stomach, racing heart, or a mental block and procrastination. Whether it’s going on a date, checking an email, or speaking up in a meeting, fear often holds us back from achieving our goals and living the life that aligns with our values. But, what if we could transform that fear into a catalyst for action? Managing the fear and moving forward anyway is a key strategy for personal growth and success. As the title says – feel the fear and do the damn thing.
Understanding fear as a natural, human response
Fear is a normal human emotion designed to protect us from danger. However, in today’s world, most of our fears are not life-threatening. Often when the fear response is activated, it is because we are doing something different and stepping out of our comfort zones. This distinction allows us to approach fear not as an enemy to avoid but as a simple, normal, human signal that maybe we are challenging ourselves or being given an opportunity to stretch and grow. Instead of becoming stuck in fear, we can use it as a guide to where we might want or need to grow and change.
Recognizing and accepting fear
ReLearning being Human is a continual process and it includes accepting fear. Accepting fear as a normal and expected part of the human experience is the first step to overcoming it. Instead of being overwhelmed, denying, suppressing or avoiding your anxiety, recognize it as a natural, human response. Mindful practices can help you build the muscle of awareness so that you can manage the fear when it naturally comes up day to day. You can find various mindful practices here. Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. The process of accepting your reality as it is without turning away from it, is about making peace with your fear and using it as a starting point for action.
Using curiosity to question fear
Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid of?”
“Why does this fear exist?”
“What do I think will happen if I do (or don’t do) X?”
“How is the fear trying to protect me and keep me safe?”
By understanding the root of your fear, you can address it more effectively and help support yourself to walk with the fear, instead of avoiding it.
Take small steps
Large goals are often overwhelming and exacerbate the fear and subsequent avoidance. Breaking down goals into smaller, bitesize tasks can help manage the fear and overwhelm when starting a task. Try using micro goals to create manageable goals that might be less activating. You can learn more about micro goals here.These incremental steps can make the process less daunting and help build a sense of accomplishment in the process.
Ask for help
Asking for help might be fear-inducing in itself! AND we can’t be an expert in everything. If you are struggling to manage your fear, reach out to fellow humans who both feel fear, and help themselves and others learn how to accept and manage it.
Authored by Annie Amirault RSW, MSW/ Psychotherapist & Co-founder of ReLearning Human
What are diagnostic labels and why do we use them?
As humans, we label ourselves to create a sense of identity and to make sense of our experience. Labels can help us understand the various facets of ourselves in relation to others and may offer a sense of belonging and community. Labels describe and simplify parts of our identity and might include personality traits, profession, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation and many more.
Diagnostic labels were created to cluster experiences in order to streamline treatment. Anxiety and Panic Disorder, Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder are all labels found in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
Understanding how you experience the label
Diagnosis is the first step of many in managing our labels – whether the labels are lazy and anxious with ADHD or Angry Borderline with Major Depressive Disorder – we need to hone in on how we see the label or diagnosis impacting our lives.
For the purpose of this, I’m going to use the Lazy ADHD folk as an example. If you align with a different label like the ones above, you can insert that label and look up a list of symptoms and experiences that others have noted and see which ones you align with, and which ones you don’t.
How I see the Lazy ADHD showing up in my life:
Shame (hello label of Lazy)
Perfectionism
Procrastination
Overwhelm with larger tasks
Interrupting conversations
Hyperfocus
The diagnosis or label of ADHD is not the issue. The issue is that too many people stop there because they lack the support to form a path forward to manage their labels (also the stigma, but I will leave that for another post). There might also be a sense of helplessness that comes with labels. Please understand that regardless of the label you have received from yourself or others, you can (generally) change your brain. Yes, we might need some help to make changes and there are people, places and things to unstick yourself when you are stuck.
How to move forward
Being aware of how your labels show up in your daily life and relationships is an integral step of acceptance and moving forward with the label. Once you develop a sense of understanding awareness, ask yourself the following:
- What part of the ADHD neuro-spicy brain gets in the way of me living the life I want?
- Are there parts of my brain I want to work on or change?
- What parts of my brain do I not want to change?
- What kind of support is realistic financially? Time and capacity-wise? (self-help, group support, therapy, course work, etc.)
Having a neuro-spicy brain is awesome and just like having a neurotypical brain, there are likely areas I can improve upon based on the above list, and just like neurotypicals, I likely have skill deficits I can work on. Making a list of the places you are getting stuck and what support is available to you can be a catalyst in moving forward.
Feeling motivated to start managing your label in a different way? Email
co*****@re*************.com
and we will do our best to find the next step for you.
If you want to learn more about the process of connecting with our therapists and starting therapy, read Getting Started here.
Authored by Annie Amirault MSW, RSW, Psychotherapist & Co-founder of Relearning Human.
